The Suicide Diary (42 page)

It seemed his Mother knew him more than he gave her credit for. “I was trying to, I think it was my way of dealing with it all. I know better now, things changed and I realised I need to live my own life.” he replied.

“You have changed, the last time you were here, you seemed different, happy even. I wondered if it had anything to do with the girl you had introduced us to. Nina, she’s such a pretty girl and so polite too. How is she?” she asked.

“I don’t know. She left, I’ve no idea where she is.” he said.

“I don’t know what happened between you two and as my son, of course I will always take your side. That said, you haven’t made it easy these last few years for anyone to know you, not really.”

“I know, I just wish I had known how she felt.” he said.

“Sometimes in life we think it would be so much easier if we could just read the other person’s mind and know exactly what they are thinking. You have to learn that the hard way though Alex, it’s why we live our lives, learning lessons and figuring out our own feelings while we make mistakes until we work out what we want in life.” she said. “How people feel doesn’t always match what they are thinking at every single moment. I know your Father and I don’t always see eye to eye and there are no doubt times when we would have ended up in divorce if we had been able to read other’s minds. We filter our thoughts to protect those we love, because you don’t always agree with absolutely everything the other person is saying or doing.

He couldn’t read Nina’s mind but he suddenly thought of something almost as close. He had forgotten about her diary and although there was every chance she would have taken it with her, he thought of her words in her text. In amongst the paragraph about being sorry how things had ended and that she would always care for him but this was the best it had said ‘I’m leaving everything behind and starting again.’ Everything could include her diary and if she had left it behind, it would be somewhere in her Mother’s house.

I was leaving every part of him, every memory, every thought, every shared second with Alex. I would never forget a moment of it, but I didn’t know how to stay so I was going to leave it all behind. And yet I knew I would be leaving a huge part of myself with him. Even if he didn’t know it, a part of me would always stay with him.

I closed my eyes and clenched my jaw, trying to stop the tears that threatened to fall. Matthew would be arriving soon to take me to the airport. I looked around my room one final time. I wasn’t sure when I’d be back, I was adamant the room was to be put to good use but my Mother insisted it would be here for me when I wanted to visit or if I decided I wanted to come home. It was the only reason I felt comfortable leaving the diary in the room, since I knew no one would use the room until I got back. I wasn’t ready to say ‘if I came back’ as it seemed to final.

My Mother and Joshua met us at the airport and my little brother unloaded my luggage on to a trolley for me. He seemed lighter and he had a smile I hadn’t seen for a while and I hoped it might have something to do with Lucy. We walked together with my Mother and Mathew and Amelia behind us. It wouldn’t be long until there would be a new member of our family and they had promised to video chat with me so I could meet my little niece, at least until I might come to visit.

As I approached the line to check in I saw our Father standing there and when he saw me he stepped forward a few paces and then paused as if unsure of what to do. I reached out and put my arm around his until we were almost hugging. We weren’t quite there yet, nevertheless, it was closer than we had been since I was a child and I had promised to write as often as I could.

“Nina!” I heard a voice shouting from behind and spun to see Kara running towards me. I had already said goodbye to everyone a few days before and yet here she was, of course, the sweet, kind-hearted girl who is and I hope always will be my friend.

“I had to come and wave you off.” she said.

“Thank you Kara, thanks for everything, you’re the best friend a girl could ask for.” I replied.

“Aw now don’t, you’ll make me cry. I’m going to miss you, we need to stop leaving each other like this. You promise you’ll keep your promise to keep in touch?” she asked.

I laughed at her question. “Of course.” I said and I meant it. Whether I deserved her or not, I had a good friend and I intended to be there her if she ever needed me. I was ready for a new start for my own life. I’m not sure the pain will ever leave me, but it’s lost some of its power over me.

Walking away from the check-in desk I found myself slowing my pace. It wasn’t that I had changed my mind, yet something had me scanning the crowds of people coming through the entrance. I felt a tug towards the door but I knew it wasn’t the need to say here. I made myself walk towards departures and with one last look behind me, I crossed the threshold.

I slumped forward, holding my head in my hands. I’d put all my feelings for her in a locked box and spent these last few months cooped up with anger.

“Alex, will you look at yourself, you’ve got it bad.” said DJ. “These last few months you’ve been distracted, keeping yourself to yourself, I’ve barely seen you.”

“I know, I’m sorry I’ve not been a very good friend. After that party that night with Nina and Dean, I don’t know, I just needed to deal with some stuff.” he replied. He’d told DJ about Nina’s diary, although he left out the suicidal thoughts and most of the relationships.

“Look, none of us said anything to you about it after the party because, well you had us convinced she was going to sleep with Dean after you two had kinda gotten close, and of course we were going to take your side. But now you know the truth.” he said.

“What difference does it make?” asked Alex.

“I don’t think you’re angry at her for leaving, maybe you’re just angry at yourself for letting her go. Anyone could see you two were crazy about each other, in fact I think the only people blind to it were you both. Look I don’t know what’s happened in Nina’s life but anyone can tell she hasn’t had it easy so yeah she didn’t have the strength to stay but the question is do you have the guts to go after her?”

Alex looked at him then and DJ nodded as if reading his mind.

Standing on the doorstep in the pouring rain, the water running down the back of his neck, Alex was suddenly reminded of Hugh Grant in Notting Hill – “I’m just a boy standing in front of a girl, asking her to love him”. Except on the other side of this door wasn’t the girl he had fallen in love with. He banged on the door, grateful it was only seven o’clock or this could go a whole other direction. This wasn’t the first time he had graced these stairs since she had left. Each time her Mother had politely informed him, they had no idea where she was and she only phoned home now and then to let them know she was safe. He wasn’t sure he believed her but there had been little he could say or do about it. Well apart from breaking and entering, stealing her diary, finding out the truth and now, well he wasn’t entirely sure what his next step was.

A shadow moved in the doorway, a woman silhouetted by the hall light. He heard the click of the door opening but held himself steady even though he wanted to walk in. He had to force myself not to stare at the plant pot containing the spare key that had allowed him into her home only the week before. 

“Alex?” she said. As always she didn’t look particularly surprised to see him but he saw the sadness in her eyes – he used to think it was pity but now he wondered if she knew how Nina felt and he could only hope she felt sadness that she couldn’t do more to help her daughter take the risk to stay and be with him instead of running away.

“Hi.” my voice came out raspy and choked. The sound of a broken man.

“I need to find her.” I pleaded. “Before you say anything, please just listen to me. I know everything and I can’t possibly understand what she’s been through, but I won’t let her throw away everything we had, everything we could have because she’s afraid. I love her and I know, I think she feels the same for me.” As confessions of love go, he knew it wasn’t the best, and all the less dramatic because he was saying it to her Mother but he could see her determined look faltering. He knew she was struggling between wanting to protect her daughter from more heartache and hoping that maybe this could be just what she needed if only she would be open to it. It was what he needed her to hope.

“Just let me try, please, and if she really doesn’t feel the same way then I’ll let her go for good this time and you’ll never see me again.” he said.

She turned suddenly back into the house and didn’t return for a minute or two. First he wondered if he should have followed her, but not wanting to invite himself in and realising he was soaked through and would only make a mess of her floor he continued to stand on the doorstep. Eventually she returned holding something rectangular in her hand. She seemed almost hesitant to hand it over but on looking at his face she nodded and pushed it into his hand. Alex tried to shield it from the rain but it was a pointless gesture as the water ran from his sleeves, down his hands and onto the card.

“Good luck” she whispered “I won’t tell her.” and left him standing on the porch wondering what she meant.

In his car he flicked on the light and recognised her now very familiar handwriting on what he now realised was a postcard. The ink was beginning to run on the note so he hurriedly pulled his wet jacket off his back and used a dry area of his tshirt to dry the card. It wasn’t the words that mattered to him, it was small print on bottom right of the card - the return address.

Now he understood what her Mother meant - she wouldn’t give her warning of his arrival. She was giving him a chance to get to her before she ran again. And if her Mother believed in him, then maybe there was a chance Nina would believe him too.

1. Italy
   

   I blinked in the bright sunlight and held up my hand to shield my eyes. The figure walking towards us was no more than a silhouette against the brightness. Even before he was close enough to make out his face, I knew it was him. I tried to move forward but I was rooted to the spot. So it was all I could do to stand there unable to move or speak and wait for him to come to me. His pace quickened I think when he recognised me.

“Nina.” he said.

My mouth opened to say something but if I had managed to think of anything worth saying he placed his finger on my lips to stop me.

Out of breath and nervous looking, his eyes, flicked from side to side as if trying to read mine until finally he straightened and a sense of calm came over him.

“Alex, how did find me?” I asked.

“Is there somewhere we can talk?” he returned.

The children I had been talking to were now surrounding Alex and touching his clothes and trying to make conversation with this new person they wanted to know about. They would have far more questions for him than I did. I gestured towards the building over my left shoulder and began walking away from him and after a second I heard him follow.

I closed the door behind us much the children’s dismay, however, this was definitely not a conversation for their ears. Taking the seat furthest from him, I tried to make myself as comfortable as I could. The last time I had seen him I knew he must have hated me for what he thought had happened with Dean. I had left without saying goodbye thinking it was best for him and yet there hadn’t been a day since that I hadn’t thought about him.

“I read it, your diary, I know I should be sorry for that but I’m not.” he said.

“How, no one knew about it, how did manage…” I began.

“I took it from your house and I’m glad I did. You should have told.” he said.

“I couldn’t, Alex it was too much, it was too messed up for anyone to hear.” I replied. My eyes fell to the floor and I wished it would open up and take me away. He stood up then and my head jerked up to see what he was going to do.

“You don’t just get to come into my life, make me care about you and then back out okay.” he said.

My stomach knotted almost as tightly as my fingers were, reminding of all the emotions I couldn’t afford to have in this moment.

“Alex you made me believe I was worth something and I never thought could happen. You shouldn’t have come here. I didn’t tell you everything because I didn’t want your pity.” I replied.

“I’ve never pitied you, I knew that you had a past, I had no idea what you had been through, why didn’t you talk to me?" he asked.

There was never a good time for that conversation.

“What would’ve been the point, you couldn’t change anything. My life may not be worth anything to me, but it can still have value to others like the kids here. I needed to leave, it was the right thing to do.” I answered.

"You’re not perfect, but I never asked you to be. You made assumptions about what I wanted and made my choice for me by running away.” he said.

I hung my head again, unable to look him in the eye.

“I’m sorry, I should have at least tried to explain instead of letting you think I’d…” I couldn’t finish.

“I know that nothing happened with Dean. That was another stupid mistake on my part, I should have known better. I know why you let me think you did though and it worked. For a while I was so angry, it was like with Will all over again. I didn’t know where you were and I couldn’t tell you how I felt, it drove me crazy!” he said.