The Suicide Diary (40 page)

He kissed me gently on the cheek, touched my hands and walked back to his girlfriend. I hadn't said a word or even moved while he spoke, just stood there while he forgave me for not loving him back, confirmed what I suspected about Alex and picked up on my inner turmoil as if he had been rooting around in my head.

I tried to take in Oliver's words but all I kept coming back to was that maybe he saw that Alex had fallen for me the way he had because I kept the worst of myself hidden. I had done Oliver a favour by walking away, although Emily hadn't been right for him either he had finally found someone who loved him the way he loved her. I watched him dance with his arms around his pretty girlfriend and they looked into each other’s eyes as if there was no else on the room. I tried to imagine an outsider watching Alex and I dancing like that but no matter how I tried to see it we could never compare to Oliver's and his girlfriend or Kara and her new husband.

I stared down at my hand when I felt his palm touch mine. Alex’s fingers intertwined with mine tentatively as if he was worried I would suddenly shatter into pieces. And then he pulled away just as unexpectedly. While his first touch had terrified me, the thought of him letting go again was almost worse. I looked up to see the edges of his mouth pull up in to a gentle smile. His fingers still grasped mine and instead of letting me go, I found myself being pulled forward as he walked towards the dance floor.

“At weddings it is mandatory for the chief bridesmaid to dance.” he said.

“No, I can’t…I don’t dance.” But the words somehow got stuck in my throat and my feet seemed to have a mind of their own as they moved towards him and closer to the dance floor. Movement by the DJ corner caught my eye as I saw Kara move away from him, but her eyes were on me before she smiled shyly and headed back to her new husband.

"It's just a dance Nina." he said.

I noticed from the corner of my eye Alex staring at me. Intensely, with slightly pursed lips and a slight frown across his forehead. It was as if he was trying to will his way into my thoughts and it terrified me. I flinched and turned to smile a little too brightly in his general direction. It was easy to lie to myself but it was a struggle to look at him and deny my feelings.

We had barely shuffled for a minute when the beat came to an end and a slow track came on and I watched the ripple effect as the men took their partners in to their arms and pulled them closer.

“May I have this dance?” he asked.

I could only nod and watch in dumb silence as he slid his hand around my waist and took my hand with his other. We moved together slowly swaying to the gentle tones. He was a good dancer and weaved us in between the other couples on the dance floor. I looked everywhere but at him until I couldn’t resist peaking up from under my lashes to find him staring down at me with a smouldering look in his eyes. Did he always look like that or was it just the lighting in here? I realised I couldn’t remember the last time I’d looked him straight in the eyes. We moved together in silence until the beat started on a fourth song and I excused myself.

Kara’s wedding day went perfectly from beginning to end. The weather was cool but crisp, the surroundings were beautiful, the guests were all in high spirits and the day was full of romance. Perhaps a little of it rubbed off on me, as Alex and I danced under the twinkling lights and I let my head rest on his shoulder.

After a while his hand cupped my face and tilted it up his and he looked at me. It wasn’t with lust, it was something else, a look I didn’t understand. Alex had never looked at me like this before. His thumb stroked me cheek and I could already feel my shoulders pull up and my stomach tightening. His fingers brushed my lips and he moved his face closer to mine. My heart and mind were warring with each other and I’m not sure which one actually ended up winning but I didn’t stop him as he pressed his lips to mine. It was feather like and he pulled back slightly to look in my eyes. Whatever he saw in my eyes obviously answered the question in his as he kissed me again. I leaned into him and I felt his hand brush behind my ear. His arms wrapped around me and pulled me towards him.

And then like Cinderella the spell was broking as I heard the distant chimes of a clock somewhere nearby as it struck midnight. Suddenly his lips parted from mine and he took a step back from me.

The music came to a halt and people began to say goodbye if they were leaving and goodnight if they were staying in the hotel. I was in a room with another of the bridesmaids and Alex was sharing a room with one of Kara and Graeme’s mutual friends. We made our way to the stairs and I couldn’t help but notice Alex hadn’t let go of my hand yet.

“I’ve got a bottle of wine from the bar, why don’t we sit on my balcony and toast Kara and Graeme’s happiness.” he said and his eyes didn’t leave mine as he spoke.

I wasn’t ready to end the evening, since tomorrow we would be heading home and I would have to decide whether I was going to push Alex away like I did with Oliver.

He unraveled the foil and popped open the bottle and I held out my glass while he filled it almost to the top. We pulled two chairs out on to the little balcony and grabbed blankets to keep warm. It was cold but that wasn’t the only reason I had goose bumps on my arms. We talked in between sips of the delicious bubbly as we sat so close our arms were touching.

After a while my eyelids began to flicker and I felt the tiredness begin to set in after a long day. If it wasn’t for the thought of freezing, I would have happily stayed right where I was.

“My roommate met someone and won’t be back so you can sleep here if you like.” he said in almost a whisper.

I just nodded and he stood up and reached down to lift me wrapped in my blanket and carried me in to the room. He handed me a pair of shorts and t-shirt and then went to the en-suite to give me a moment to change. I tried not to think any thoughts because if I started thinking I would probably talk myself out of staying and although I couldn’t explain it I wanted to be there.

We sat down on either side of the bed not taking our eyes off each other. Since I’d never lived with a guy or really been in a proper long term relationship I’d never just slept in a bed with a guy, so I tried to pretend to myself this was just like a sleepover with a friend.

Alex leaned over and kissed my forehead and pulled us both down to the bed. We talked a little about nothing in particular until I felt my eyelids become heavy and I heard him whisper to me before I fell into a deep sleep. “Sleep well sweetheart.” he said.

As always I woke in the middle of the night and I felt a little sad at this, perhaps I’d hoped I would feel comfortable enough to sleep through the night. I realised I was alone in the bed and looked in the direction of the en-suite but there was no light under the door. Noises outside the room made me suddenly very awake. I crept across the floor slowly since I had no idea where the light switch was. Suddenly the door opened and light flooded in from the corridor and I had to close my eyes against the brightness. I blinked in the bright sunlight and tried to make sense of it.

“Good morning sleepyhead.” said Alex as he walked in to the room.

“But it was dark?” I asked.

“Ah yeah there’s a blackout blind, I’ve got one at home, can’t sleep unless it’s total darkness.” he replied.

Just like me then. The realisation that I had actually slept through entire the night came as a bit of a shock. It was a good thing but what was I to do now, ask if I could stay at his whenever I needed a good rest! I could feel heat spreading under my cheeks when I thought of that.

I yawned self-consciously and made my way to the little table while Alex laid down the tray with two plates piled with breakfast and glasses of orange juice. He pulled up the blind and daylight filled the room and I noticed it was after ten o’clock.

There were no words. Well, actually there were lots of words to describe how I felt right there in that moment but the ones on the tip of my tongue were ‘Please just go away.’

Which sounds terrible, I had this amazing guy in front of me who might actually want to be with me and I was struggling not to physically push him away and run. Again.

It was so much easier when I thought he was gay. I missed when he was just my friend. I loved that guy. He is Alex. I love Alex.

Oh no, no, no, no. That can’t be right.

I could never admit it to him but I felt it. Every tearing moment my heart beat faster and when I felt that unfamiliar butterfly feeling in my stomach. Then the sadness washed over me and ruined the moment. If this was perfection and inevitably it would come to an end then I would never have it this good again.

I didn’t know what was worse, the thought that I may have taken my life before ever experiencing this feeling, or that I now had to live with it in my heart and not have the strength to do anything about it. I could only hold on to this moment and remember it as well as I could. I am writing of it in my little notebook so I can recall it whenever I wanted. So I could look back on these moments with Alex and know that I had this time when I was truly happy. Whether I deserved it or not at least I had that.

He had pulled me to him on the dance floor and I had watched as his eyes fell from mine to my lips. In films where the girl falls in love and the guy kisses her, they look into each other’s eyes and they just know it’s for real. This was nothing like that. I felt sick, my stomach was churning and I was terrified. Not exactly the sweet feeling of romance calling.

I had a taste of perfection and I was going to let it go. It felt like I had already been dead for so long and suddenly my heart was beating again, bringing me back to life. I could have just stayed there forever, so close to happy and falling in love. I rolled the word around in my head like a new toy I couldn’t quite work out. I think part of me had known this for a while as I didn’t feel surprised. In fact it only made it harder to walk away. But it was the right thing to do. He deserved to be loved by someone good and who didn’t have so many issues. I would only end up hurting him even more in the end if I stayed.

Once Kara and Graeme had bid everyone farewell and driven off to the airport for her honeymoon, the rest of us said goodbye and began to make our own way home. I slid in to the passenger seat of the car once our bags were loaded in and Alex started the engine. My hands were clenched on my lap and I stared out the window, wishing the next three hours would just disappear.

“Shall we stop off somewhere and have lunch?” said Alex.

“Actually I really would rather just get home if that’s okay with you.” I said and then realised he was driving and it wasn’t entirely fair of me to ask. “I mean, unless you really want to stop for a break.” I said.

“No it’s fine, if we head straight home, we’ll be back for lunch anyway. Do you have plans?” he asked.

I’m just really tired, it’s been a busy weekend looking after all of Kara’s needs.” I replied half jokingly.

“Well I had a great time and I hope you did too, in between fluffing her dress and carrying flowers and drinking champagne I mean.” he said.

“It was a nice weekend, thank you for coming. I know Kara was pleased that you did.” I said.

“I’m beginning to feel like she was the only one who was. Nina, last night…” he began.

“It was a mistake.” I said cutting him off. “I’m sorry I shouldn’t have kissed you.”

“Actually I believe I was the one who kissed you.” he replied.

“I didn’t stop you and I should have. We’re friends and I don’t want to ruin that.” I said.

“Right, friends, for a moment there I forgot, my mistake.” he replied.

He didn’t say a word to me for the next half hour and eventually I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep until I hear the engine purr to a stop and I opened them to see I was home.

I didn’t hear from Alex for three days. It was never going to be the worst three days of my life but it was somewhere near the top. I had read a book cover to cover, watched every movie I had and moved my furniture around just to try to keep myself sane.

When he called me on the fourth day, I nearly tripped trying to grab my phone only to hold the handset second guessing myself over whether to answer it. I hadn’t made up my mind before it stopped. My heart had barely began to slow when the buzzer on my door went. When I pressed the button, Alex’s voice came through the intercom and I realised he was outside my building.

I had about two minutes before he would outside the door so I pulled a brush through my hair, brushed my teeth and pinched my cheeks since that was all I had time for. I opened the door to see a large plastic bag which proceeded to walk in to the flat.

“Hey I brought dinner.” came Alex’s voice from behind the large bag and I followed him in to the kitchen. He dumped the bag on the counter and began pulling plates and cutlery out so I sat on one of the stools and waited for him to say something.

“So I figured you wouldn’t have eaten yet and seeing how empty your cupboards are, I don’t know what you were planning on having so it’s just as well I’m here!” he said.

“I was going to order in.” I replied.

“Well the delivery is here now, let’s eat.” he said “and we have about ninety minutes before we have to leave so don’t eat too slowly.”

“Ninety minutes, for what?” I asked.

“My classmate is having a party and I promised I would go.” he said casually. “and I said I’d be bringing a friend so find something to wear and we can go.”