The Suicide Diary (17 page)

For once I’d made a special effort and felt surprisingly good as I walked up the stairs to the bar we were to celebrate our holiday season festivities. As I walked in to the room I recognized only a few faces but they smiled politely in my direction before returning to their conversations. I picked up a champagne glass and sipped it slowly.

The receptionist girl came over to me smiling and I was genuinely pleased to see her. As much as she probably knew everyone here, she was stuck behind her desk on her own all day and so didn’t really have the chance to strike up friendships the way the other employees who worked together did. Her name was Julia and we made small talk about the festivities and how nicely decorated the room was and the usual talk of how quickly the year had gone by. She seemed nervous and kept looking around the room so I suspected she was waiting on someone arriving. I knew the feeling and had glanced around myself more than once but Mike had yet to arrive.

Half an hour later I heard a loud outburst of laughter come from the other side of the large room and turned to see a group of the managers standing together. They were all facing Mike who appeared to be telling a story, which by the sound of it was more than a little amusing. I made my excuse to Julia that I best say hello to my boss and I would fetch us another glass on the way back. I was sure Mike would be busy with his peers most of the evening but I wanted to quickly thank him for my gift. I ran my fingers through my hair and began to work through the bustling room in his direction. When I looked across again, the men in front had shuffled slightly and my eyes fell on a beautiful, blonde woman with her arm entwined with Mike’s. There was no mistaking her relationship to him. I saw the adoring look in her eye and the slight smile on her lips and then my gaze dropped to the oversized, diamond engagement ring on her left hand. My grip on my glass tightened until I wondered if he would even hear it if it cracked in my hand.

I put the glass down stiffly and turned my back on them. I began wandering in a daze when I realised I was in his office. Even the devil may be beautiful but he’s still bad right? I should have listened to my body when it froze every time he tried to kiss me. Instead of forcing myself to melt in his arms, my instincts had been right this time.

I found myself staring at his whiteboard on the wall. I searched for a pen in his drawers then proceeded to write my resignation. ‘
To whom it may concern, please accept this as my formal resignation. I have enjoyed my time working for the company and thank you for the opportunity and experience. However, I feel I can no longer work with Mike Lisford as he is a lying, cheating, bastard.
’ Unfortunately for him the last sentence wasn’t just in my head and I noticed the pen was permanent black marker on the large white board on his wall. I finished with ‘
I will not be working my notice but expect a letter of recommendation to be sent to my home address in due course. I do hope you get all you deserve in the future. Yours sincerely, Ms. Nina Licari.
’ No one really entered his office apart from me now so he would be able to remove the board before anyone saw it, but I hoped it would motivate him to at least write a good reference since I would be needing a new job.

I still had the gift bag from my Christmas present in my desk drawer so I slipped off the necklace and put it back in the box and placed it in the bag. I couldn’t bring myself to keep it but he certainly didn’t deserve to have it back to return. As I walked towards the front door, I had an idea and snuck behind Julia’s desk in reception. I placed the gift bag under the counter and left before anyone saw me.

Was I so pathetic, he figured he could use me for his own gratification? Or did he think he had me so in his grasp that I would overlook the fact that was engaged to someone else? I could be genetically predisposed to make bad choices or maybe I'm just so unlovable it turns people bad when they’re with me.

1. Oliver
   

   By sheer luck, the bookshop I had worked in was looking for someone to replace the part-time girl who had recently left. They didn’t even bother to ask for a reference which was just as well as I wasn’t holding my breath. I told myself it would do until I could find something else and at least kept me busy in the meantime.

I intended to look for another job but the weeks turned into months and my nineteenth birthday passed without much excitement. The bookshop was familiar and I could hide away between the bookshelves, but my Mother was less impressed and had had several talks with me about ‘my life’. I knew she was right but it’s always easier to stay in your little bubble where everything is predictable. I promised her this was just temporary and I was just figuring things out and she resigned to stop pushing me (for now).

Out of the blue Kara emailed suggesting I join them for a mini-break in early summer. We had kept in touch sporadically over the past year and now and then I would meet up with some of them when they laid on the guilt about not making time for old friends. They had just finished their last exam in their second year and it was to be a girls-only, stress free, long weekend of wine and catching up with Kara, Melissa, Lucy and me. Kara talked me into going on the road trip to get away and have some fun – it took considerable persuasion on her part and my Mother threatening me with her ‘there is more to life’ speech again that got me in the end.

My entire flat and my bedroom at home were spotless from excessive cleaning, I had colour coordinated my wardrobe, organised my shoes, underwear and make up and collected up three bags of stuff for charity. When I offered to clean out the basement, my Mother had put her foot down.

Sometimes I could bite off my own tongue when I mention something in front of my Mother or to one of my brothers as she has an uncanny way of finding things out from them.

“Joshua brought your weekend case down from the attic for you and I’ve put your sunglasses and your wellington boots in your room – you never really know which way the weather is going to go.” My Mother called up from the kitchen.

“Thanks Mum.” I said. Most of my summer clothes were still at home since I didn’t have a lot of storage space in my flat. Opening my wardrobe I looked at the rows of mostly black, greys and creams and tried to pull together some summer outfits. I’d already packed the few new items I’d purchased for the trip and my bag was still three quarters empty.

The following morning my bags finally were packed with an assortment of clothing and Joshua carried them down to the hallway for me. It had been nice spending a night at home again but at the same time I was glad to be leaving to escape the scrutiny of my life again. I had barely set foot on the bottom step when I heard a car horn beeping outside.

I opened the front door to find Kara already on the porch. “You ready?” she asked.

“Yeah I think so, I didn’t know what to pack so...” I replied.

Cutting me off she responded “Well you’re about my size so we can swap.”

Joshua was already standing by the car with my bags loaded into the very full car boot. I kissed and hugged my Mother goodbye and promised to send a postcard. By the time we got down to the pavement, I noticed Melissa and Lucy were being very friendly with my little brother and for the first time I realised how grown up he had become. My younger brother was seventeen and a half and he already towered over me, which wasn’t hard, but somehow I’d missed when he stopped being a kid.

Kara had found a little town on the coast where the weather was meant to be good and there were plenty of touristy things to distract me. Since there were four of us, the car overflowed with clothes and food and wine. We each had our sunglasses on and Melissa turned up the radio as we pulled away from my house.

After a while the chat turned to other things and the girls took turns to catch me up on their lives. When it came to my turn, somehow Kara seemed to know it I really didn’t want to talk about myself and changed the subject – I just wish she had chosen another distraction.

“So you didn’t mention that your brother was hot!” she exclaimed.

“Well generally it’s against the rules to fancy your brother.” I shot back.

The girls laughed and I tried to switch topics but Kara wasn’t done.
“Is he legal or are we talking breaking the law here?” she continued.

“Oh are you serious, he’s my little brother! I complained.

“Well your little brother was totally flirting with Lucy.” chimed in Melissa.

Lucy meanwhile was staring straightforward through the windscreen but I could see the colour of her cheeks turning a faint shade of pink. Perhaps the feeling was mutual then – in the year since I’d known her, I hadn’t known Lucy to mention a boyfriend. She had left school in fifth year because she was clever enough to get into University with her grades, but she was a year younger than us and even then she was young for her age.

The awful thing was I realised then I had no idea if my brother had a girlfriend or not, or even if he had ever had one. He was confident and had lots of female friends and male too which I guessed could be a possibility.

The conversation switched to the days ahead and I could feel their excitement building as we neared our destination and tried to let it rub off on me a little. It did feel good to be escaping from life, even just for a few days.

We had booked into a little cottage for five nights and arrived in the seaside village just after twelve o'clock to the most incredible view of the sun high in the blue sky and views over the ocean. When we finally pulled into the drive about ten minutes or so later there was a figure leaning against the wall. We slid out of the car and began to pull our bags from the boot when the person made his way across to us. When I turned around, Kara was facing a very clearly annoyed boy who was storming towards us.

"You're late! I've been here since twelve o’clock and I couldn't leave without handing you the keys and giving you the welcome stuff." The expression on his face was anything but welcoming and I hoped this wasn't the start of an unpleasant week. Kara took the welcome folder from him and he dumped the keys into her hand as he took us all in.

“Sorry we got a little lost on the way.” She said and smiled her brightest smile.

"The emergency number is in the folder and a bunch of flyers for things to do around here. Try not to trash the cottage, my parents don't need to be cleaning up after you okay." His tone was still slightly unfriendly, but no one could fail to be disarmed by Kara’s smile and his mouth twitched just a little.

Everyone looked stunned but Lucy stepped forward. "Yes sir." The boy raised his eyebrow a little, "It's Graeme." He said, managing to barely move his lips. And with that he turned on his heel and began running up a winding path away from the cottage.

“Oh come one, I’m not letting some bad-tempered idiot spoil the start of our holiday!” said Melissa, who then grabbed a bag and made her way to the door.

“Actually I thought he was kinda cute.” Kara stumbled into the back of Melissa since she was too busy looking down the path that Graeme had just jogged up.

“Oh you would!” Lucy teased. And then the giggling started as we pushed our way eagerly into the pretty white-washed cottage.

There were three bedrooms – a large en-suite double room and two singles and from the swing-set in the garden it was obviously used mainly by families. Kara and Lucy opted to share the double nearest the living area. “It’s going to be so creepy at night-time in the dark and with the wild animals outside.” said Lucy looking deadly serious.

I took the single across the hall from them as Melissa had already dumped her stuff in the room at the back of the cottage. She shouted “Lucy, the only wild animals out there are foxes and probably some mice, so I think we’ll survive!” Melissa rolled her eyes at her friend and I smiled at the light banter between them.

Once we had explored the cottage front to back, we returned to the car and pulled the rest of our belongings out. We unpacked the car quickly, cramming the kitchen cupboards with vast quantities of food and wine and our little rooms with far more clothes than we would need. I unpacked my clothes and hung them in the large wooden wardrobe in my room.

My Mother had suggested that I use some of the money that my Grandmother had left to me for this trip as this was exactly the kind of thing she was talking about spending it on. I was reluctant at first but I had to agree, my doting Grandmother had loved trips to the coast when we were kids and although she had always encouraged us to save for a rainy day, she was a big believer in investment spending. Which in her terms, meant buying building designer and vintage pieces that would hold their value over the years.

She was always immaculately dressed and had wardrobes full of beautiful clothing, bags and shoes that I was never allowed to play with as a girl. Since my cupboard at home mostly consisted of leggings and office attire, which would look totally out of place on the beach, I had bought three new dresses, several pairs of shorts, vests and some pretty tops, two pairs of sandals, sunglasses and various coloured hair ties.

I listened to the girls laughing and banging cupboards and doors, which sounded even louder in the semi-quiet of the countryside. There were none of the usual sounds from home, but I knew if the girls were to be quiet for a moment, there would be different sounds. Instead of cars there would be birds singing and the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks. I pulled open the curtains and gasped at the view.