The Suicide Diary (16 page)

My hotel room wasn’t much bigger than my old Uni one but was far nicer and I enjoyed hanging my clothes in the wardrobe and laying out my new make up on the dresser. My first work weekend away, it made me feel so grown up and thoughts of a future career ran through my head while I passed the hour. I brushed my hair out and instead of the neat bun I often wore to work, I pinned it at the top with the length hanging loose on one side. I took off the short coat that matched my dress and added some jewellery – Mike had firmly advised that we had to come across as a smart, forward-thinking company with real people and not too ‘corporate-y’ on this weekend so I tried to relax my formal work attire in to something a bit more feminine. As I stood in the lift with the mirrored walls I tried not to look at my reflection as my nerves jittered in my stomach. The bronzer and blush blended across my face hid the white fear that was draining my natural colour, and I suddenly wished I had sprayed my entire body with deodorant.

Mike and the rest of the team were each in rooms spread out over the various floors of the hotel, so he suggested we all meet in the bar before dinner to discuss tactics. I saw him as I edged in to the room, his jaw was set hard and he was staring at his watch while his other hand held what looked like a glass of whisky. His eyes swept from his watch to the floor where my feet were suddenly glued to the floor and I watched as his eyes ran up the full length of my body. When he looked up to my face, I noticed his eyebrow rise slightly and his mouth twitched. It was hard to tell what he was thinking and I could only hope I had managed to get the dress-code right.

They had a tough crowd to win over, so Mike got to work running through the itinerary with me and the other six people there from the company. I was there to make sure everyone had the correct paperwork, coordinate our team and generally make sure no scandals happened in front of the clients. Essentially my job was the fun police but thankfully no one grudged me for it - the whole team seemed to think the account was a particularly important deal and stayed on (mostly) their best behaviour.

By the Sunday afternoon the contract was signed and all their hard work had paid off. I was exhausted but it was a good feeling and I had been so busy that my thoughts only momentarily lapsed in to the past. When I got home I threw my case full of clothes in to the washing machine and crawled in to bed for the first full night’s sleep I’d had in a long time.

The evening after I had arrived home, my phone buzzed with a text. “
Nina we are going out to celebrate. Dinner on me. I’ll pick you up at eight
.” It was from Mike.

I got ready without even a thought to how much this job was becoming my life, at the very least my social life. I’d had no plans to cancel to go away for the weekend and here I was sat home with nothing to do when Mike had sent the text. Dinner was in an intimate little restaurant and I realised the table we were being led to was only set for two people.

"Just the two of us?" I queried.

He just smiled in response as if I'd commented on the obvious, rather than asking a question. We spent the first half of the meal discussing the account and our new clients and the rest talking about our lives, although I tried to keep the topics light and mostly on him.

“My house is being refurbished after some flood damage. The house is pretty old now, I took it over when it became too much for my parents. It’s been in the family for years but with a little TLC, it’ll be a proper home again. I’m living in a flat in the city for now but it’s so minimalistic and has no personality - feels like I’m staying in a hotel. Probably just needs a woman's touch.” he said.

This guy was about as subtle as a brick. And it looked like Nina was falling for every word. Although, she had obviously learnt a lesson or two somewhere along the line, Alex knew if he had pulled that line, she would have given it the sarcastic response it deserved. He wondered when she stopped wearing her heart on her sleeve and always seeing the good in people and if he had met her earlier in her life if things might have been different. Nina would have been different but then so was he once upon a time. He knew he could just have easily turned out like Mike, if he’d stayed on the same track he had planned in his teens. He had wanted that life, the suit-and-tie job, with the big paycheck, flashy cars and flashier women. In school he had been a bit of a player too and no doubt he had broken a couple of hearts in his younger years.

Everything changed when his brother Will took his own life, and Alex had gone from being a younger brother to being an only child in one horrific act. There wasn’t a word to mean what he and his parents were after that day – other people had words like widow, orphan - there should be a word for siblings who have lost a brother or sister and parents who have lost their child. 

Since that day, Alex had two lives to fulfill and needed to make his parents twice as proud - he wasn’t entirely sure he was doing either but he was trying. The degree Alex was nearly finished the one his brother had chosen and it should have been Will sending postcards while travelling the world during his summers.

At the end of the evening Mike offered to drive me home. I declined thinking we had spent enough time together in close company but mostly because I’d watched him finish off two bottles of beer and a glass of wine so I wasn’t risking it.

“You were good enough to pick me up and besides there’s a train due in ten minutes so I’m good. Thanks for dinner, it was kind of you.” I said and smiled politely.

“Goodnight Nina.” Mike leant down and kissed me gently on the cheek. He turned and was gone before I even had time to process whether it had actually happened or if I’d imagined it.

All the overtime I had been doing had been building up in my savings account and when I received a bonus as part of Mike’s team when we secured the latest account, I decided it was time to move out. My Mother found me a one bedroomed flat only fifteen minutes drive or three train stops from our family home and it was closer to the office. It was small but nicely furnished and it didn’t take long to move in my few belongings.

Two weekends later I worked away again with Mike and his team. This time there was less subtly to his gestures. His praising comments on my quality of work were replaced with compliments on how I looked in my outfits. On our return he invited me to a get together with some friends in his flat. I worried where this was going, but as he was my boss I didn’t want to offend him by refusing. I had the uncomfortable feeling there were signals I should be paying attention to but he hadn’t actually acted upon them. And so I turned up at his flat with a bottle of good wine. I pressed the buzzer and waited on the step nervously.

"Hello?" came his familiar voice from the intercomme. My mouth opened and closed again.

"Hello, anyone there?" he repeated.

"Mike it's me, I mean it's Nina…from work." I added just on the off chance he had forgotten he had even invited me.

"Nina, just push the door on the buzzer. It's the third floor, second on the right."

Even though I was expecting it, I still jumped at the sound of the door buzzer. Pushing the door inward, I stepped onto the mat and wiped my shoes as best I could, terrified I would mark the carpet. The lift moved smoothly and opened to a ding on the third floor, I had barely had time to listen to more than a few bars of the pleasant music playing inside. I made my way along the nicely decorated hallway, I passed the first right and then turned into the second. There were two doorways and I paused for a moment until I remembered he had told me it was apartment thirty-eight when he had invited me.

I paused outside waiting to hear any sound coming from inside; I told myself I could leave anytime, just show face and hand over the wine. Music and laughter came from the other side of the door and I felt a little reassured. Some part of me had worried it would just be Mike alone on the other side of the door but now I chastised myself for being so stupid. He may have been flirtatious but I was hardly the kind of girl he would fuss over and it wasn’t as if he had the reputation for mixing business with pleasure.

I didn’t recognise anyone and worked out I was the only one from the office after talking to a few of the others for a while. The girls ended up in the kitchen chatting and I found they were all city girls working in various offices and dating one or other of the guys sat in the living smoking cigars and laughing loudly. Mike was equally attentive to everyone and acted in such a friend-like way towards me that I wondered if I’d even imagined the flirting before.

And then he whispered in to my ear. "You look beautiful." He had the decency to at least act sincere.

"Oh, this old (brand new) thing, I just threw on something at the last minute.” I said (or rather I’d spent an hour and a half changing my hair and outfit several times over) I thought.

"Not the dress, you Nina, you look stunning." His compliment was working its way through my body like a fever and I turned my attention to the rest of the room to conceal my blushing.

I stayed long enough so it wouldn’t seem like I was running out after his comment and then I made my excuses to leave.

“I have a family lunch tomorrow so I need to be fresh.” I said to the group as I made my way to the hallway to collect my belongings. “I had a nice time though, thank you…” I said to Mike as he helped me on with my coat.

“You are very welcome but it was my pleasure.” He leaned down to kiss my cheek again as he had before and I told myself he probably did the same with all the girls here on saying goodbye. The thought made me even more uncomfortable but I didn’t want to think about the reasons for that.

We had lunch together most days when he was in the office. Sometimes with clients and on other occasions just the two of us. Mike always ordered for us both. At first I thought it was rather nice being taken out and catered to until one afternoon he ordered a veal dish for each of us and I stopped appreciating the gesture.

After yet another dinner meeting with potential clients, he walked me to the taxi as usual. “Nina, you look so beautiful.” He spoke the words slowly as if he was still thinking it through.

His lips were on mine before I even registered he had moved. Being taken aback didn’t allow for actual thoughts to what I should do, and his lips continued to move against mine for just a moment. When he pulled back just as suddenly, his hands were resting on my hips and he stared into my deer-caught-in-the-headlight eyes.

The meeting had run late, I hadn’t eaten much and the one glass of wine had already made me lightheaded. I’d opted to leave Mike and his clients to the heavy drinking before Mike had surprised me. Not for the first time I walked to the train station with my mind trying to catch up with what had just played out.

The following day nothing was said about it and I tried to respect him for not wanting to mix business and pleasure at work (his pleasure, I was still lost on how I felt). On the Friday evening we both said goodnight to a new set of clients and left yet another bar. His lips found mine before we had even turned the corner and we stepped as one until we were leaning against the wall. After the heat of the busy bar, it was almost pleasurable to feel the cool of the brick behind me as he pressed his body against mine.

My spine went rigid and my movements felt mechanical, as if I was responding to his kiss after reading instructions on how to kiss.

“Shall we get a taxi?” he asked. It seemed to be a rhetorical question as he stepped towards the kerb and raised his arm.

I hadn’t moved from my spot, since the wall seemed to supporting me now.

“Mike, I think I should go home, I’m not feeling too great.” I was staring at the ground but couldn’t help but peak up at his face as he turned back from the kerb.

His face was almost in shadow, but when he moved toward me the light from the street lamp crossed his face and I saw him pull his mouth into a smile. It only made me wonder what expression he was wearing the moment before.

“No need to make excuses, you’re not ready and I understand. Not tonight, but one night soon.” He nodded in that persuasive way he had that made me echo him. I thought this must be how his clients feel when he wraps them around his fingers.

Christmas I had always loved; office Christmas parties not so much. The office had been buzzing with talk of outfits, what this year’s entertainment would be and previous year’s shenanigans. I’d heard all this only in passing as I made my way to and from my desk or in the ladies when I overheard the office girls gossiping.

All the existing and new accounts were up to date in time for the events planned all this week and then we would finish up for two weeks over the holidays. I had come in on the Monday to find a gift on my desk.

Merry Christmas!

Love Santa x

I opened the small box and found a pendant necklace inside to match the bracelet Mike had given me. The outfit I was planning to wear to the party had a small v-neck so I could wear it then. Although it was part of a set, it was too much to wear so much bling all at once so I decided the necklace would be enough on its own.

My tiny office meant I was shut away for most of the time and the constantly busy days, meetings and overtime left little chance for potential office friendships. The only person I ever really spoke to was the kind girl in reception who had helped more than once with directions when I had to take files to someone’s office. So I told myself it was good opportunity to involve myself more with my colleagues.