The Suicide Diary (19 page)

The girl’s excitement on this second journey there was infectious and I timidly joined in their singing - it was the first time I'd sang out loud since that party with Chris. I forced the images out of my head and focused on getting the words right. I had booked my first holiday off work and packed my little travel case with all my new clothes courtesy of my job.

Oliver and I found we had a lot in common via text so I knew there were any number of topics I could bring up in conversation to save any awkwardness. He had seemed pleased we were coming back down to visit but I kept telling myself the kiss hadn't really meant anything. 

Half way into the second night Melissa disappeared back to the cottage with one of the guys and Kara and Lucy were caught up in conversation with Graeme and a few of his friends. Oliver brought some drinks back to the table and sat beside me.

"Hey, you having a good time?" he asked.

"Yeah I really like it here and it's good to get away from city life." I replied.

My awkwardness soon faded as he made me laugh with stories about his friends and some of the town residents. The week went in too quickly and we were on our way home four days later. Oliver hadn't kissed me again but I couldn't figure out if I was disappointed he hadn't or happy my life wasn't complicated again.

A few weeks later I was tidying my room when my mobile rang and Oliver's name flashed up.

"Hello." It came out sounding like a question.

"Nina, hey how are you?" asked Oliver.

"I'm good, what’re you up to?" I replied.

"Well, I was just calling to see if you would like to go for a drink?" It sounded like he was trying to hold in a laugh.

"What?" What was he talking about?

"Well Graeme and I had the weekend free, and we thought we'd come down and see what's so great about your town. “ I could hear the grin in his voice.

"You're here? Oh my God, when did you get here, where are you?" My words were spilling out like a verbal waterfall and I couldn't seem to stop so thankfully he interrupted me.

"We're in a bed and breakfast, I think Graeme and Kara want to go out to some club. I know it's last minute but I thought I'd see if you were free for a drink?"

Ha, if only he knew the truth, the next three things on my calendar were more training at work, a dentist appointment and taking the dog for his annual check-up. When I agreed and hung up to get ready, I noticed my voicemail icon was flashing. I struggled to decipher Kara's excited message about Graeme surprising her but she sounded happy.

I had an hour to get ready but I was still grateful I had already showered and washed my hair that day. The weather was still pretty good so I pulled on a pair of tan shorts and a rifled through my wardrobe to find something to go with them. I realised how much blue I had but somehow I couldn’t bring myself to wear anything in that colour again. Despite my favourite colour being green, I had bought dresses, tops and even a pair of shoes in various shades of blue when I had been seeing Chris. It didn’t seem right to wear black in summer, and so I finally settled on wearing a pretty white top and tan wedges with a green bag and ring for some colour.

I met Kara at the underground station and we headed into the city together – it was busy and uncomfortably hot and of course there was no chance of a seat. We stood clinging on to a pole and each other, trying not to get dragged out with the crowd every time we pulled into a station. When we finally arrived, Kara insisted we go to the ladies and she spent ten minutes adjusting her hair and reapplying make up. I wasn’t sure much could be done for my wavy hair and hastily applied mascara but I appreciated the chance to cool down. I could feel the nerves in my stomach and wished I had drunk some wine before rushing out the door.

Kara spotted Graeme within seconds of walking into the bar and ran straight into his arms. I dragged my eyes from their very public embrace to Oliver to find him doing the same. He smiled and started towards me. “Hey.” He gave me a light kiss on my cheek and gestured to the bar as if reading my thoughts. Having Kara and Graeme there took the pressure off and we settled into conversation about the city and where the boys should visit while they were there for the weekend.

The next two months went by with Kara and me taking road trips in turn with the boys visiting. All Oliver and I had done was kiss and I kept telling myself this was really just for Kara and Graeme’s mutual benefit since Kara keep insisting that I come along with her on her road trips.

My Mother was so overcome with delight she even let Oliver sleep in the spare bedroom. Oliver's parents agreed to the same arrangements and I had the nerve-wracking experience of meeting the parents for the first time. I guess it should have been a notable sign that this was now my third relationship after Conor and Chris (if you didn’t count Ali which I really couldn’t) and I had yet to meet any parents.

Oliver's were unexpectedly normal and welcoming, which was a relief after Kara and Melissa had told me some of their previous experiences. It was Oliver that made me feel uncomfortable, like I was spending time with a friend who wanted to kiss me and told me I was pretty.

But even then he took me by surprise one evening when he cradled my head gently in his hand and looked deep into my eyes. "Nina, I'm falling in love with you." he said.

It was all I could do to stop myself from running out of the room. "Thank you" I stammered. I watched as the colour drained from his face, around the same time my throat choked up. Heartbreak isn't an actual physical thing - when you are in pain, your heart doesn't actually crack or shatter. But what I saw in his face looked a lot like his heart had just broken inside his chest.

After my first fleeting attempts at relationships, I thought I was unlovable and now the first time someone tells me they love me and I felt nothing. No butterflies in my stomach, no quivering lip or warm fuzzy feelings. For a moment I considered lying and saying the three little words but I could see it was too late. He already knew the truth but I wanted to tell him it was my fault, he was good and kind and would make someone the perfect boyfriend. I had pushed my feelings so far down I didn't know how to reach them again. It was the truth, but I knew it just would sound like ‘It's not you, it's me' and that’s the last thing people want to hear.

His hand slipped from my face to his side and then it was his turn to want to leave the room – he moved from my side and went out of the room. I could hear the bathroom door pulling closed and I was alone. It was a terrible thing to feel momentary relief for that, but I began to panic what I could say to him when he returned. Was that it, were we over or should I try harder to make myself love him? He was loveable; he deserved to be loved, what was wrong with me that I couldn’t have feelings for someone so good.

Before I could answer my own question, the door opened and he walked back in to the room. “I think I’m just going to get some sleep, I’m kinda tired.” His eyes flicked between the floor and the wall and then he turned and went to his room leaving me alone with my thoughts.

“Okay.” I replied too late.

I knew I was a coward; I could have told him everything and asked him to be patient. But what would he do once he knew the truth, about how I wasn't enough for Conor, how I'd angered my ex so much he took it out on my body or that Ali had rejected me. He would see me the way they had seen me. It's better to push someone away, than get hurt and hurt them more by staying.

He only thought he loved me because he didn't really know me. We saw each other nearly every fortnight for two days and the rest of our relationship was via our mobile phones. If we had had a normal relationship he would have never wanted to call me his girlfriend. It would be kinder to walk away. I behaved horribly but it beat the hell out of pretending to love him and having him find out the truth the hard way. At least I hoped it did.

Eventually my emotional self-beating exhausted me and I closed my eyes. I slept with my back to the wall facing the door as if waiting for the inevitable moment when he would come in. In the morning I opened my eyes as the sunshine streamed in through a gap in the curtains. I heard his parents leave the house but I couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed. The silence in the room felt like it was closing in on me and I waited until my stomach began to rumble.

I knew I had to face him; I could hardly just pack my stuff and leave the house, although it was tempting. Just then the door opened and in walked Oliver carrying a tray. “I thought you might be hungry.” he said and laid the tray of food and orange juice down next to me.

“Thanks” I replied not sure what else to say.

The rest of the morning passed awkwardly and eventually I mentioned I should probably be heading home. I’d text Kara feigning illness and she agreed to come a bit earlier than usual. Half an hour before she was due to arrive, Oliver and I were sitting in front of a DVD that I doubt either of us was really watching.

“If you don’t love me Nina – could you just lie to me a little longer?” he said. I didn't know what to say - he was asking me to just pretend. I thought it was best to pull away, but he would rather have the idea of something than have nothing at all and I could understand that.

I couldn't say the words - not when I didn't feel it - but I wouldn't end what we had either. I didn't know how to feel anything anymore, love was something I heard my friends talk about, that I saw in films, a thing that happened to other people. I knew that I cared for him as much as I did my friends, but how were you supposed to know when you were ‘in love’. It had only been a few months, perhaps I just needed time.

And so we carried on like that for a while, he kept pushing and I kept evading his questions. I could see the pain in his eyes; it was unbearable to watch someone I cared about suffering because I was incapable of any kind of emotional connection. After five months together I couldn't take it anymore, he wanted more than I could give and it's a terrible thing to watch someone blame and question themselves for your problem. Again I found myself ending something before it really had a chance.

It was as much a relief as it was unbearable. I hated to see him so heartbroken but I couldn’t go on living a lie. I waited until after Christmas and New Year because it just felt horrible to break up with him before the holidays. The end was inevitable and better to hurt him now than keep leading him on thinking I might one day feel the same. It was for the best I told myself – and him- but I’m sure it didn’t feel that way from his perspective. I couldn’t understand that he would continue in a relationship knowing I was not in love with him but perhaps denial is easier than the truth.

We kept in touch at his insistence and I even found I was pleased when he told me he was seeing someone else two months later. Emily, had been a friend since his first day at university and she knew all about me. So of course, I expected the first time I met her to be a little awkward but I wasn't prepared for the pure, undisguised, hostility in her eyes. In spite of the atmosphere in the group, his friends did their best to ignore it and I tried my best to join them. But apparently I wasn't the only one who noticed and when I stood at the bar waiting on our drinks order Oliver approached my side.

"Graeme thinks that maybe there's a little drama going on between you and Emily?" he said.

"Yeah I guess she doesn't like me and I get, I do but I’m just trying to enjoy my evening amongst friends." I replied.

"Well you think maybe you could try to make my new girlfriend a bit more welcome, maybe she feels like you're freezing her out." he said.

"Oliver, I introduced myself and said I liked her shoes and since then she's done nothing but glare at me. I really don't get the feeling she's looking to be bff's with her boyfriend's ex." I countered.

Oliver defended her reaction. "Nina, she's entitled to feel uncomfortable meeting the girl I said I'm in love with a few months ago." But there was a slight pause before those last four words that made them seem like an afterthought. "She listened to every detail of our relationship as a friend and now here you are looking just as beautiful as I described. Try to imagine how she's feeling right now." he said.

I did try to understand her perspective, but Oliver wanted me in his life and for whatever reason I couldn't seem to figure out why I wasn't quite ready to let him go. "Okay I'll try to be nice even if she is mentally throwing daggers at my back as we speak." He laughed and I rolled my eyes - he really wasn't helping the situation by talking to me alone at the bar and now laughing, did he understand girls at all!

I knew it was selfish of me. Was I such a terrible person that I would keep him in my life despite the fact that I had caused him so much pain? He made it clear I was a part of his life and so I made the decision to make it as easy as possible for him. And so I called him enough to be a friend but not too often, keeping him informed about my life without getting too involved and I was as friendly as I could be towards his new girlfriend. I was trying so hard to be a friend to him.

That is until Oliver's friends told me his new girlfriend's attitude towards me hadn't thawed in the least behind my back. It was so stupid - I wasn't a threat; I was the emotional equivalent of dried husk. She had Oliver in a normal, healthy, loving relationship - what more did she want? She had everything I was living without. He treated me as no more than a friend and he obviously cared a lot about her and yet she treated me with contempt. And it only got worse over the next few months. Our conversations were stilted and uncomfortable if she was in the room. Whenever Oliver called me, we would barely get a few minutes into a conversation when his phone would beep and it would be Emily ringing him as if she had some psychic ability to know we were talking. I knew she had to be his priority but it bothered me that he immediately had to hang up and answer her call to save an argument.