The Suicide Diary (21 page)

Just after Christmas I met up with Ali again and it was really nice to see him and feel like I did when we first met. He was so happy now and a little of his mood rubbed off on me. He insisted we go shopping first and once more I found myself buying colours I would never wear, in styles that apparently suited me but I wouldn’t know one from the next.

“You are becoming a true stereotype Ali.” I said.

“Oh Nina you got something on your sleeve, looks like a grease stain. You’re going to have to change before we go for lunch, oh you can put on the blue top you bought. Maybe brush your hair and put on some lip gloss too and we’ll go somewhere nice!” As he was throwing out instructions me, he was pushing towards the ladies toilets.

I pulled my top over my head in one of the cubicles but couldn’t find any marks on it. I pulled on the blue top anyway, figuring it was probably just Ali’s polite way of saying he hated what I had been wearing. Once I’d given my hair a brush through and applied some lip gloss I headed back out to meet him...only to find him standing talking to someone familiar. Adam.

"Nina, you look lovely" said Ali, smiling at me. “and looked who was passing by and such perfect timing as my boyfriend just called and I have to skip out on you I’m afraid.”

If Adam hadn’t already tried asking me, I would have had to believe this was just a coincidence. He was seriously good looking and so far seemed nice and fairly normal too.

"What a coincidence." I replied and sighed. How did Adam even know Ali? Had they spoken about me in the club when I wasn’t looking I wondered.

Neither of them would comment further on the convenience of Adam being able to save me from being stood up. Plausible deniability had a lot to answer for.  Despite my annoyance, I hadn't eaten yet and the hunger pangs over ruled any other thoughts.

Lunch was pleasant and we chatted easily about this and that, exchanging stories and as little of my history as I could reasonably get away with admitting. He didn’t try to kiss me or even hug me as we said goodbye an hour and half later when I made my excuses. In fact the closest he came to me was helping me on with my coat before we headed back out in to the cold. Either Ali had already warned him to take it easy with me, or now that he had a chance to get to know me a little more, he’d realised I wasn’t for him. I was half hoping for the latter as I walked to the station.

When he called me the following day and asked to take me on a real date instead of a surprise one it made me laugh. I considered that I really had nothing left to lose at this point and just tried to focus on my Grandmother’s words about love being a process of trial and error.

Adam was relentless; no matter how much I tried to keep him at arm's length. I guess he liked a challenge or maybe some guys are just into damaged girls. On our third date he took me to a salsa bar and after a couple of drinks, he circled me with his arms and we danced in the middle of the room as if we were alone moving to the music. He spun me out and pulled me back tight against his chest and I didn’t know whether to laugh or what was it girls used to do in the movies…swoon?

My twenty-first birthday was thankfully a fairly quiet event and I had lunch with my family and met with the girls for dinner and a rare night out. It was good to see them and they were pleased I was seeing someone and demanded to meet him soon. I wasn’t ready for that yet and teased that they were jinxing it.

Spring came around again and I guess it’s always easier to feel a little more positive when the sun is shining. Adam made me feel strangely adored and he told me I was beautiful - a word I would never have associated with myself although I’d been told it before I knew there had been motive behind it. Even with all this it wasn't perfect, he was a manager in a new nightclub and although we both worked unsociable hours he was constantly on call and when I did get to see him he was exhausted.

If our schedules hadn’t allowed us much of a chance to cross path then sometimes he would come to my bar or I would sit at the end of one of the bars in his club, chatting to the regulars and the staff until he had a chance to take a break. Some of them told me how happy I made him, that he was a lucky guy, that I was something special. I didn't feel it though and it began to make me feel uncomfortable.

And then Adam began working more and more hours, the times we spent together became fewer and far between. The first time we argued I felt panic rise up in my throat and flinched when he raised his voice. Whether he was pulling away from me or perhaps there was someone else or I suppose even it's possible that he was genuinely working hard to prove himself in a new job. It was enough for me to give up again.

I made a clean break, told him it was over, deleted his number and went on with my life again. My thoughts kept drifting to my very loose plan to go away somewhere and I found myself day dreaming about leading another life altogether.

Later that evening I pushed open the door of my work and walked in. Maria the assistant manager was standing behind the bar with her back to me, but turned with a smile when she heard the door. The smile quickly faded to be replaced with pursed lips and a raised eyebrow. “Your shift was last night Nina.” she said.

I started to speak but she cut me off “I’m sorry but you’re not reliable, I’m hiring someone to replace you.”

I stumbled out onto the street; the next train was in thirty minutes so I found myself wandering in to another bar nearby and ordering a drink. Admittedly I should have been looking for a job but hindsight only arrived along with the outstanding rent bill.

"Matthew?" I said.

"Nina? he answered.

“Yep, it’s me.” I replied.

“Are you drunk?" he demanded.

"I only had a few but I can't find my purse and I need to get home to my flat." I said.

"It's nearly 1am, I was in bed." he said.

"I'm sorry, it's okay just forget I called." I responded.

"Of course I can't forget my sister calling me in the middle of the night too drunk to get home safely. Give me the address, I'll come pick you up." he said.

I waited inside the bar, resisting the temptation to order another drink. I was tired and just wanted my bed. I couldn’t remember feeling tired in a long time, the alcohol must have helped.

Twenty minutes later my mobile vibrated and Matthew’s name flashed up. I did my best to walk all the way to the car without falling over and was genuinely surprised when I climbed in to the front seat of his car in one piece.

"Where are your friends?” asked Matthew.

“It was just me, I had a tough day and just need to blow off some steam.” I replied as steadily as I could.

“What were you doing out drinking on a Wednesday night Nina, you're a mess. You're becoming more like Dad every time I see you." He said it with such vehemence, but I pretended to myself his bitterness was aimed indirectly at our Father and I was just baring the brunt of it.

I loved my older brother but we had never really seen eye to eye and he lectured me even more than our Mother ever did. I was limited on the choice of people to call so late at night and I figured Matthew would only find something else to pull me up about even if I hadn’t called him. At least that’s the way one half of the conversation in my head went. When I collapsed in to bed that night fully dressed, my eyes flickered and closed within minutes and I only woke when the black turned to red with the sun flooding in through the window in the afternoon.

A few nights later I went back to the Gin Bar to see if they needed anyone to covers shifts. Joe wasn’t in but one of the girls recognised me. “I’m really sorry Nina, he’s just taken on two new people so he’s got all the shifts covered.” she said.

“Oh okay, thanks anyway.” I said and made to leave.

“I know it’s really tough finding work at the moment, that’s why I can’t seem to quit this place. Look I used to work a kind of events company, one of my friends still work there so I can give you her number. It’s maybe not your thing, but we all gotta earn right! You just accompany men to various events and they pay you basically to look good on their arm. Some of them just want some eye candy to inflate their ego and others just want company when they’re visiting here on business. You’re a pretty girl, maybe just a bit of effort with your hair and some make up and you’d do really well. Here take this number and give her a call, just ask for Lissa.” she said.

I debated about asking the bank to release some of my savings, but using my Grandmother’s money to pay rent just didn’t sit right, especially when she had requested I use it for something to make me happy. I needed a job soon and ‘events’ sounded just as good (or bad) as any other, every job takes advantage of you in some way and maybe this would make me make an effort with myself since apparently I needed to do that.

A few days later I was in my room and my phone rang and the woman Lissa had called me back to talk me through the process. I listened in silence as my stomach churned. When my phone rang three nights later and the same number flashed up, I just stared at it. I needed the money but I knew I couldn’t do it. No matter what the woman had said, there would be pressure to sleep with these men and I just couldn’t.

1. Cam
   

   Have you ever found yourself standing in a room full of people and felt so alone? Knowing that if anyone there knew what was going on in your head, they would probably think you were crazy. And every time someone asks you how you are you reply brightly ‘I'm fine’ instead of the awful truth. I’d planned to enjoy a long soak in a hot, bubble bath and see out the evening reading a new book.

It had been a humble plan and yet I’d been looking forward to it. Nevertheless, there I was all dressed up, my make-up done, my hair tousled and a smile fixed on my face. It was the birthday party of friend of Kara's and she had insisted on my coming. Despite my objections about job hunting, she had turned up at my flat with a case full of dresses and make up. I sat like a mannequin while she teased my hair and applied countless products to my face. Sitting as patiently as I could, I waited and tried not to imagine myself made up like some sad doll with too much rouge on the cheeks and a false smile drawn on.

After what felt like hours, Kara made me stand and held up a few dresses against me before selecting one, and pulled it over my head as delicately as she could without disturbing my hair. She then shuffled me towards my cupboard where she swung open the door with a flourishing gesture. My Mother had insisted that I should have my Grandmother’s vintage mirror, which I'd then concealed on the back of a cupboard door where I stored everything I rarely used. As Kara opened the door, I held my breath and prepared myself - I had rarely seen myself in a full length mirror since I'd had to cover my bruised skin with long sleeves and leggings.

“Open your eyes silly!” exclaimed Kara.

I drew my eyes up from the floor to look at the pale girl with dark shadows under her eyes. But my reflection deceived my eyes - my skin had regained some of warmth with a hint of colour in my cheeks and my hair was almost glossy. Kara had created a smoky effect on my eyes and the fit of her pale green dress suited the slight curves I had begun to develop.

"I knew there was a beauty hiding under there, your skin is glowing now it’s been exfoliated and all your hair needed was a little tlc. I’ve just highlighted your eyes and that dress looks stunning on you." she said and smiled at my reflection.

"I don't look like me." I said almost under my breath.

"No, you weren't yourself, this is the real you sweetie." She replied shaking her head then gesturing at me like she was introducing me to myself.

“Thank you.” I said. There really wasn’t a way I could describe to her how I felt in that moment. My own reflection was rarely a source of joy for me and so this was a strange feeling to look upon it now.

Alex knew how much Nina avoided mirrors, and having her photo taken too come to think of it. He couldn’t recall ever seeing her check her reflection and if there was ever a camera in her presence, she was usually the one behind the lens. He had one single photo of them together, which to his shame he had thrown in a drawer out of sight three months ago. He couldn’t bear to look at her face until a few days ago when he took her diary and now he would do anything to see her face again. The same anger he had felt towards his brother had reared its ugly head once more, but this time it was different and it didn’t last as long.

I sat looking through Kara’s dress options and make-up while she got ready. Her hair hung poker straight down her back and she settled on a fitted hot pink dress.

“You look beautiful Kara, I mean more than you usually do of course.” I commented.

She smiled in reply and then realised how late we were going to be so went in to panic mode checking we had everything in our bags and fastening on our respective shoes.

Some of Kara's friends that I knew from her stories were by my side, giggling at some gossip and enjoying the evening. Melissa was seeing one of Kara’s friends and had met us at the party but I had barely seen her all night. From the outside I was almost as buoyant, but in reality I felt tense inside. Standing there in Kara's pretty, silk dress all I wanted to do was walk out, go home, undress and pull on an old sweater.

Seven months had passed since I had ended things with Adam. I couldn't bear to face him because it felt too much like rejection again, but in the beginning it had felt like the start of something good. I wasn't sure it was that I missed him or wanted to be with him, but he was the closest thing I had to something in that moment. And yet I couldn't convince myself to see him – I had walked away and he had let me.