The Suicide Diary (25 page)

I felt the warmth of the sun on my shoulders, but thankfully there was a light quiver of a breeze beginning. As I walked I took in the scene, the four white buildings stood close together set against the bright, clear blue sky and the surface of the ground had a light dusting of sand. From a distance it might have looked like a few holiday villas but as I approached, I began to notice the cracked paintwork on the buildings, the path was well used but not very well kept and everywhere there were signs of age and disrepair. Around the side of one of the buildings I looked upon a group of children playing on the ground, whilst others sat at a wooden table playing with something. A woman stood hanging sheets on a makeshift wash line. There were too many children to belong to her but I couldn’t see any other adults and I wondered why none of the children were in school. One of the children advanced toward me cautiously but curiosity spread across his face and he smiled at me.

Between my conversational Italian and the woman’s basic English, I discovered the tiny village was actually an orphanage and some of the children were disabled or not educated enough to attend the local traditional schools. A few hours passed while I sat with the children building a series of blocks only for one of them to knock it down and then they would roll around giggling. The woman looked tired and gave me a smile when the children clustered around me. When the sun began to set she ushered the children inside and I think offered me a place for dinner but I declined. I didn't like to be caught out by missing the last bus in an unfamiliar place. It should have been a sad place and yet the children seemed almost content with their simple lives. I left the tiny village with mixed feelings, but before I had even climbed back on the bus I made the decision to visit again.

I felt my pillow buzzing beneath my head and groped in the darkness for my phone. Amy was calling me at two am and she wasn’t the type for drunken, prank calls so I was on full alert when I answered.

“Nina.” she said.

“What’s wrong? Are you okay?” I asked quickly.

“I’m okay. I’m safe, I just…I need….” she stuttered.

“Amy where are you, I’m coming to get you?” I asked.

“I’m almost at your apartment, can I…do you mind if I stay with you tonight?” she replied.

I climbed out of bed and only just got the door unlocked in time to see a very tired and teary Amy walking up the path. I pulled her to me and she wrapped her arms around me as if I alone could protect her from whatever had caused this upset.

“I’m so sorry, I just didn’t want to be alone tonight. Someone broke into my apartment and that piece of shit that calls himself my boyfriend wouldn’t come over. He just told me to call the police and he would see me tomorrow. Well that is the last late night call he will be getting from me – I’ve already deleted his number and all his texts and tomorrow I’m going to collect all of our photographs together to burn them.” Amy was a big believer in purging your life of all that is negative; it had just taken her a while to come around to accepting that Illandro was one of those things. She rambled on as I pulled her inside and went to make some hot chocolate.

I went to my room to find Nika up out of bed. “She can sleep in here with you, I’ll sleep in the spare room. Won’t be quite as nice without you of course.” And she kissed me lightly on the cheek and slipped into the other room.

Amy curled up on Nika’s side of the bed and I climbed in next to her as carefully as I could so I wouldn’t spill my drink but I still felt the sting of the hot liquid on my leg. I winched and tried to ignore the sting as I settled under the covers.

“I hope your girlfriend’s not mad at me for putting her out of her bed?” said Amy.
“It was her idea to let us share; she figured you needed me more tonight.” I replied.

“I guess I underestimated her, she’s a nice girl. And thanks for letting me stay – although this is one situation I never thought I’d find myself in, laid in bed with you haha.” She said but her laugh sounded odd as she was choked up from crying.

“Hey you can stay but don’t be expecting anything more, like you said before we are just friends.” We giggled as quietly as we could and that’s the last I remember before I fell back asleep.

I loved the sunshine, the feel of the heat on my skin and being outdoors so much was bound to do me some good. Not every day was perfect of course, but it was easier not to think about anything while I was distracted with work and at least once a week, I found myself returning to the orphanage whenever Nika was busy with work rehearsals or sleeping. I came to know it as a happy place with lots of sad memories. I read stories in English which the woman I came to know as Agnese encouraged me too. The hours flew in as I sat in the shade of the large Cypress tree with the children. I estimated they ranged from as young as four up to around sixteen or seventeen but many of them didn’t even know their real names or where they had come from, let alone their ages. I would often spend the morning and afternoon with them and head home for dinner with Nika before we would walk to work together. It was a comfortable routine that I came to rely on and only now and then would something unexpected break that semblance of normality.

It began as a heated argument but I recognised that look on the faces of the two men facing each other in the bar. Nothing was said but with their jaws clenched and bodies stiff and their arms held at their sides and fingers twitching I knew the signs. I moved to warn the manager but I didn’t make in time. The first man threw a fast punch which connected with the mid-torso of the second and caused him to stumble back. But he recovered quickly and returned the blow. People around them began to move away although a few stood either gawping in shock or enjoying the display of masochism.

Violence terrified me to my core and my heart was pounding so hard if the room had been quiet you would have heard it. But the room was far from quiet, some girls were screaming in fear, one was crying and trying to pull at one of the fighters. I figured she must be his girlfriend or sister perhaps. But her tears fell to no avail as the fight continued. Jeers began from behind the two men and I watched as another man moved to try to get between them only to be grabbed by another. The friends of each man obviously saw this as a call to arms and glasses and pool cues were lifted to be used as weapons.

It felt like minutes had passed but it had only been seconds and I saw the manager come running from his office and lift the telephone to call the Polizia di Stato.

I saw the girl again in the middle of the crowd, trying desperately to pull the first man away. My fear for her overcame my own and I finally managed to move my feet. Pushing through the crowd, I reached for her.

“You have to get out of here, come this way.” I shouted at her.

“No, I can’t leave him.” Her eyes were wild and tears stained her cheeks.
“The police are on their way, they will stop this and it will be okay. But you will get hurt if you stay here.” I said.

She made no move so I grabbed her by the arms and dragged her to the edge of the room and pushed her behind the bar.

“Stay here and do not move okay.” She nodded and I could see she was relieved to be out of it. The two other members of staff and the manager were doing what they could to get others out safely and break up a few of the pairs that were scuffling together. Chairs and tables had been pushed aside and knocked over and there was glass and blood on the floor. It was like a scene from a film and I could only watch as it unfolded.

The sound of the police arriving rang in my grateful ears. Unfortunately the ones fighting also heard it and a stampede began as they tried to escape the arms of the law. The violence didn’t stop then, as some became aggressive and tried to break free or continue to take out their frustration on the armed men in uniform. It only lasted minutes until they were rounded up and put none too gently into the caged vans. I gave a brief statement and my name and contact details to an officer. I would be contacted tomorrow to go and make a full account of the incident. My shoulders slumped as I watched the vans drive off with far less haste than when they had arrived. The sun was only beginning to set as the late evening arrived and the manager placed the closed sign outside. My shift should have been over but I moved towards the bar to begin the clean-up. We worked in silence; I think we were all in a shock after the fight.

“Oh, what did happen to this here?” came a voice from the door.

I looked up into the shocked face of an Italian girl who lived near to me; her name was Carlita and she was the biggest gossip I had ever met.

“There was a fight.” I replied curtly as if it wasn’t obvious enough.

“Yes, it look very bad. You are not hurting though no?” she asked.

“I’m okay really, just a little shaken up.” I replied a little kinder. Her face screwed up as she translated in her head. I’m not sure if she believed my words or not, but one look over my body and the lack of blood or bruising and she nodded and left.

After a long, busy hour or so of cleaning, brushing and reorganizing the bar, I set off home. It was a struggle not to run home but I wanted to get myself in order before I saw Nika. I couldn’t afford to get upset in front of her, I think if I started to cry I might not be able to stop. Memories were trying to flood my mind and I kept forcing them back in my little box but it was like I had suddenly lost the key.

Seeing the look in the eyes of the guy who pulled the first punch had terrified me. It was pure, blind hatred directed at a man he barely knew all because of a game most likely neither of them even played considering the size of them. And the girl, she made me angry most of all; her complete lack of self-preservation and disregard for her own safety was unbelievable. How could she just stand there and even worse try to protect the guy who started it all?

Then I realised why I was so angry; it wasn’t even the girl, she was doing exactly what I had done. I had defended the actions of a man who was violent and I had had to be pulled away rather than leave of my choice. I stopped for a second, closed my eyes and focused on steadying my breathing. My hand searched for something to lean on and found the wall next to me. My body wanted to slid down against it but I couldn’t, not there, not after all this time. I forced open my eyes and took a deep breath to calm myself and made my way back to the apartment.

I wouldn’t take these feelings into my little bubble.

“Hey” I said as I walked in to the living room and dumped my bag on the floor.

I looked into the face of a very worried looking Nika. She knew already.

“I’m fine, really.” I said. Brief and to the point. Her eyes scanned my face for a moment and then ran down my bare arms and back to my face.

“I know, Carlita told me what happened. I’m making us something to eat so you can have a bath and relax and I’ll shout when it’s ready.” she said.

She looked on edge but as if she was trying to hide it behind her smile. She knew I didn’t want to talk about and so she was acting as normal as she could. The table was laid out with plates and glasses of wine and I could smell something coming from the oven.

She shooed me away and I stumbled towards the bathroom. I pushed open the door and stopped in the doorway. The room was lit by so many tiny, flickering candles and the bath was three quarters full and topped with floating petals. There was a glass of something, a box of chocolates by the side and fluffy towels resting on the end. It was so thoughtful I had to bit the inside of my cheek to stop the tears.

I turned the hot tap on and let it warm the cooling water until it was almost too full and then peeled off my clothes and sank into the water. I lay there with my eyes closed, allowing the still hot water to soothe my tired body. I stayed there until I began to feel goose bumps on my skin and when I heard Nika call from the kitchen, regretfully I drained the water and wrapped myself in a warm towel.

I sat and gratefully ate the meal, realising only then how hungry I was. The wine felt good going down and I hoped it would settle my nerves. Nika chatted away about her day and plans we’d made to visit a nearby town soon. She stacked the plates in the sink and left me to finish my third glass of wine.

In our room I found her lying peacefully on the bed and I joined her under the sheet not caring about my still damp hair.

“You can talk when you’re ready but for now, let me help you relax.” And with that she pushed my hair from my face and kissed me on the lips, her eyes looking into mine with no sign of the stress I saw in them earlier.

When I woke in the morning we were wrapped up together still, which was unusual since I always preferred to sleep on my side alone. It made me uncomfortable that my subconscious was working from a different script. I moved as gently as I could to the other side of the bed but she began to stir anyway.

“Morning beautiful” she said quietly.

“Hi” was all I could manage in return.

“Want some breakfast?” she asked.

I shook my head and feigned dozing until she got out of bed. Once I heard her in the kitchen I finally crawled out of bed. In the bathroom I washed the sleep from my face and brushed my teeth until my gums were sensitive. I heard her footsteps behind me and lifted my head to see Nika standing next to me. I could always tell when she was nervous, she had this particular smile that I recognized like she was trying really hard not to bite the inside of her lip.

“Last night I wanted to come to the bar as soon as Carlita told me about the fight but I knew you wouldn’t have wanted a fuss made in front of other people. I was so scared for you Nina.” she said.