The Suicide Diary (26 page)

“I was pretty scared too.” I admitted.

I walked back in to our room and started getting ready for work.

“I care about you so much and I don’t want to lose you. Look I know this thing between us isn’t going to be forever and at some point you’re going to go back home to your life. I just want you to know that I will always be here for you.” she said.

Nika knew a lot of my past but as far as she knew that’s exactly what it was and she thought I had learnt to leave it all behind when I had come here. The truth was I wasn’t returning to it because it was still with me, in those moments in between the distractions.

Not all the time like it was before, but when I wasn’t kept busy or whenever I thought about returning home eventually.

And then ‘eventually’ came sooner than expected when my whole world fell apart. My Mother was seriously ill. As I stood in the cramped phone box, I couldn't breathe and it felt it was spinning. I thought I was going to be sick or faint. I wanted to faint, wished desperately I could fall into unconsciousness and then awake to find this had all been a terrible nightmare. But I didn't and it wasn't. My little brother was on the end of the line trying to rhyme off long, unfamiliar medical phrases and sounded like he was reading them. My lungs screamed for air and I sucked in a deep breath.

Joshua had left a message at the bar and when Amy told me I had to call home straight away I froze for just a moment before running to nearest pay phone. I’m not so sure if it was the similarity to that phone call I had had when my Grandmother was taken into hospital but I felt the terror stealing up my spine.

"Nina, are you listening?" said Joshua “She collapsed but she’s stable now.” Every word punctured a fresh hole in my already damaged heart. I couldn't listen to any more, I had to be home.

"I'll be on the first flight I can get, I’ll be home soon. Just tell her....tell Mum that I love her okay, will you tell her Josh?" I tried to keep my voice steady for the sake of my brother who was being so brave.

I needed to hold her and tell her it would be alright. Why her, my Mother, why did she have to be sick? It should have been me, she was the most loving, caring, sweetest person I knew and I was hollow, a waste of a life. Take me instead.

My begging became prayers in my head as I ran all the way back to my little apartment until I finally pushed open the door and stepped over the threshold. Sobs broke through my incoherent prayers as I sank to my knees on the floor, my arms wrapped around my stomach as if trying to hold myself together.

I didn’t care about the discomfort as I crouched over on the tiled floor. I eventually cried myself out until I just lay listening to my ragged breathing and the ticking of the kitchen clock. The passing of time only served as a reminder of the minutes I was apart from my Mother and I pulled myself to my feet and ran to my room.

When Nika arrived home, she took one look at me and wrapped herself around me. It felt like I was going to come apart at the seams. I had another twenty hours before my flight and they were the longest I’ve ever lived through. Only then did I begin to understand a little of what Connor must have gone through all those years ago. I knew then that giving myself to him, wouldn't even have begun to fill the hole in his life.

While I tried to pack up what had been my sheltered little life, Nika made dinner because she didn’t know what else to do but she thought it was important that I had something to eat. Not once did she ask if I would be back or if I would call. Perhaps she was trying to make it easy for me but a small part of me - much later - felt maybe it was just easier for her to let me go.

Amy came by to help me pack but mostly watched and cried as I threw everything I had haphazardly into my suitcase. Amy was the closest I’d had to a real friend while I was there, it wasn’t the same as the friendship I had with Kara, but she was a really good person and I would miss her. I had told her nothing about myself and she never asked and yet somehow we managed to become close and made each other laugh. I booked a taxi to the airport and sat waiting for the hours to pass.

Nika went out to get me a few things for the flight and stopped in to the bar to tell them I would be leaving. I didn’t think I would be able to say goodbye, not really and so I wanted to write her a letter. By the time I finished, the floor around me was covered in pieces of paper with various attempts at explaining how I felt. I adored her so completely and she had made my life a little more bearable in the months we had been together.

My heart tugged at me as I agonised over leaving. There was no question of my not going home but there was a small part of me that desperately wanted to stay there in my little bubble. I filled the letter with all the words I couldn't say in person, put it in an envelope and quickly sealed away the little piece of my heart that I had allowed to open in this temporary life.

The airplane bumped roughly onto the landing strip and came to a grinding halt. The man sat next to me had white knuckles and didn’t let go of the arm rest until the engines completely stopped. I had always loved flying but I guess when life doesn’t hold all that much for you, the thought of dying doesn’t bother you too much either. It was raining. It seemed almost symbolic.

My older brother Matthew was waiting in arrivals with Anna, who was at least trying to look at least enthusiastic to see me again. Matthew could barely keep eye contact but I could see his eyes were bloodshot. He was too proud to admit he was upset but I knew he was hurting inside. Anna spoke more than was necessary in trying to overcome the awkwardness of the situation. I answered her questions as briefly as I could and eventually we fell into an uncomfortable silence.

It continued like that all the way home, up the drive and the stairs and through the front door of my childhood home. Then out of nowhere I was swooped up and spun around. Eventually the room stopped spinning enough for me to get a good look at my little brother. He had grown again over the few months I was away and his face had lost that childish appearance. He was still young in nature though, too young to grow up without a Mother and a Father. He was grinning at me but the smile didn't reach his red rimmed eyes.

It was late by the time we got to house and Matthew and Anna went to bed to catch up on some sleep. They had been at the hospital since they got the phone call and they were exhausted. Joshua looked pretty tired too but he wanted to sit with me a while. There was no way I was going to be able to sleep for at least a few hours so we sat drinking hot chocolate on the family couch and whispered to each other.

He didn’t know all the medical terminology but Matthew had already reassured me repeatedly that the worst was over.

“Dad was at the hospital.” said Joshua.

I made a noise that was supposed to be ‘what?’ and almost spat my hot chocolate.

”Yeah apparently he’s still listed as Mum’s next of kin so he got the call! When the house phone rang I wasn’t even going to answer because I was hurrying out the door but when I did, he was on the other end. I didn’t even know who he was and he was telling me I needed to go to the hospital. He said he would come and pick me up but I called Matthew and he drove us straight over.” said Joshua.

“What happened?” I asked. I could only imagine Matthew marching in to the building and throwing our Father out.

“It was like he knew what Matthew was going to say, so he just nodded to us and left as soon as we got there. To be honest, he was the last thing we were concerned about right then so we ran in to the room and she was just lying there.” he said.

“It’s going to be okay, you know that right?” I said to my brother.

Despite his twenty years and six foot build, he would always be my little brother and I hugged him tightly. In the morning I woke in the same position on the couch with Joshua slumped against my side. After the flight and then a less than comfortable night, my body was stiff and sore and it took a few minutes to climb the stairs to my old room. I quickly washed and changed and went back down to make breakfast for everyone.

Alex woke with a start to the sound of his alarm screaming at him. He hit snooze repeatedly until his consciousness finally kicked him awake. He sat straight up, looking around for the diary. He eventually found it on the floor under his quilt which had also found its way there. Obviously it was a restless night. As much as he wanted to stay in bed and continue to the next part, he had to get ready for work.

Normally lunch involved a sandwich while spending the hour chatting with his colleagues or checking emails for uni notifications, but today he spent it in the manager’s office with the door locked and his phone switched to silent. The perks of being friends with the boss also extended to moments of crisis. Alex pulled the notebook from his laptop bag and opened it to the page marked with a receipt from Starbucks which for the moment was substituting as a bookmark.

I hadn't told my family about Nika and I wasn't sure I could. In the months I was in Italy I had thought about just living a lie and staying there together but to never see my family and friends, to lie to them, could I do that? And then the decision had been made for me. I had to focus on my family, my Mother. I knew I really shouldn't have had space in my head right then to miss her but I did.

Matthew drove me to the hospital and then went to get coffee to let me see our Mother alone. Eventually the doctor came through the door in to the waiting room and I was allowed to go in.

“Mum.” I whispered unsure if she was sleeping or just resting her eyes.

Her eyes flashed open instantly. “Nina, your brothers said you had come home. It’s so good to see you.” she said.

“Joshua called me.” I said..

“I told them not to call you – I didn’t want to worry you, especially with you so far away.” she replied.

“It’s a short flight away and even if I’d been on the other side of the world I’d have been on the first flight.” I said to her.

“Exactly hunny. The doctors are taking care of me and there was really no need for you to come rushing all the way here in a panic and getting yourself all upset.” She took my hand as she spoke.

I couldn’t help but noticed how fragile they suddenly felt. I think it was even more obvious that she was ill because my Mother had always been the kind of women to care for her appearance. Her body was thinner and paler than when I had left and there were dark shadows under her eyes too. For the first time in my whole life I saw myself in my Mother but it only made me feel worse.

“I don’t understand why you would keep something like this from me. I’m a grown up mum, I don’t need to be shielded from bad news.” I said.

“My sweet little Nina, I didn’t want you to know because you always worry so much more than you need to about everything.” She sighed and continued “When you were a child you were such a delicate thing and so often things would upset you, but you would never come to me even when you were so small. Your brothers seemed to take things in their stride” she said quietly “but you would always suffer things gladly for an intense period and then you would be okay again. I could only stand by and watch as nothing I could say or do would help, but I always found you managed to pull yourself through. I wanted to wait until I was out of hospital and then you might be less inclined to worry unnecessarily.” She ran her hand over mine gently and I finally took the seat beside her.

She had collapsed with a pain somewhere around her abdomen area and the doctors had checked her appendix and were waiting on blood tests. After a few more days and when nothing untoward showed in the results, they put it down to stress and sent her home with strict instructions to take it easy.

I had been home for a week already and my brothers and I had taken turns to visit the hospital. Since Joshua and Matthew both had jobs to go to, I went up the most and then did everything else around the house to pass the hours in between so it was at least tidy when she arrived home again.

Since I didn’t have a job, I made it my business to be my Mother’s carer when she came home from hospital. Every time she sighed or made a noise of discomfort I found myself whipping my head around to check she was okay. Of course this drove my Mother insane and she complained I was fussing over nothing and that I needed to get a life.

I had nothing else to do but make sure my family was okay. So I had the house running like clockwork with cleaning rotas and ordered food online so I could cook healthy meals for us all. For the most part I seemed to be getting under everyone’s feet, still at least it gave me something to do.

After a few weeks of rest she was bored and one Monday afternoon she called her office and insisted she would back at work the following week and would work from home until then. When I suddenly had more time on my hands, now I wasn’t hovering over my Mother and brothers all the time, I realised I had barely been out of the house in the last month. They hadn’t needed me but it felt nice to be useful at least.

Later that evening I read an email from Kara. Usually I read them fleetingly as if it were a story in a magazine rather than from an old friend. I’d tried to put a little more distance between us and not just physically while I was away. However, she had other plans. Her emails came in like clockwork, on a Saturday morning once a fortnight. I rarely replied to her group emails but she still included me for some unknown reason.

Her life sounded so fun and unpredictable – while she was in her final year at uni, she and Graeme had talked about spent a summer travelling abroad. After finishing her degree she had wanted to travel, but the job offer had been too good to turn down. The dreams of greener pastures never really went away though, and eventually they both gave in and handed in their notice at work. Not too long after I had settled in to my life in Italy, she had sent me an email to say I had inspired her and they were off to see the world. They had backpacked for months around places I had never even heard of and then headed to Australia for their autumn where they had stayed for the last for the last six months. I had absolutely no doubts that Kara would have gone after her dreams regardless of whether she had met me or not.