The Summer of Jake (13 page)

“I hear we’re going to be parents.” I smiled as I watched thoughts travel across her face. First surprise, followed by amusement, very quickly replaced by seriousness with a repressed smile.

“Godparents, Jake.”

“It still means we’ll have a baby together.” I was enjoying watching her struggle to keep her amusement in check. Why would she bother? Or was it some other emotion she was forcing down?

“A godbaby. So Adam talked to you today?”

“Yep, we had lunch. Before I came to your place with the flowers.”

“Speaking of that, how did you know about the meaning of hyacinth?”

“A couple of phone calls until I found a florist in North Sydney, Blooming Lovely, who knew which flower was right and had some in stock.”

Her hand fluttered to her throat. “You didn’t have to go to that much trouble.”

“Yes, I did. I still feel bad.” I leaned over closer so we couldn’t be overheard. “I took advantage of you last night. You wouldn’t have let it go that far if you hadn’t been drinking.”

And I would’ve read the situation better if I hadn’t,
I silently added. My gut clenched.
I’ve become my father.

“Jake, there’s something I need to tell you.”

“It’s only fair to have a go at me. Fire away.”

She stilled and looked me in the eye. “You didn’t force me into anything. I wanted to kiss you.” Her gaze dropped to her lap. “I’ve had a hard time not kissing you since that morning in your closet.”

This was good news. Very good news. In fact, the best news I’d heard in a long time.
Excellent
. I felt the weight of guilt lift and a substitute take up residence. I couldn’t quite name it, but it felt quite a bit like hope, maybe excitement.

“You have?” I raised an eyebrow and grinned. “Tell me more about wanting to kiss me.”

She shook out her napkin with a little more force than necessary. “I’m sure you don’t need to be told about another one of your conquests.”

There was an edge to her voice. There was more to this than she was telling me, but my contemplation was interrupted by the waiter bringing out our meals. When he left, I leaned back in my chair and looked at Annalise. She seemed restless, perhaps nervous. And, now that I thought about it, if she wanted to kiss me so much, why had she stopped us in her kitchen? Yep, there was definitely more to this. “Annalise, what’s going on?”

She took a deep breath, then, with a trembling hand, she took a sip of water. “You may not want to hear this, but I’m going to tell you anyway.” She sat the glass back on the table and flicked her hair over her shoulder. “I love you, Jake. I’ve loved you since I was fifteen. I thought it was a crush and that I was over it, but it’s stronger now, and I think spending this time with you has made me fall in love with you more. Now I know parts of you I hadn’t seen before. And I love those parts, too.”

Oh, hell.
I’d just been hoping she’d like me. Now I was on uncertain ground. My brain was working overtime, piecing information together, trying to work out what to do. Then the jigsaw fell into place—and it was worse than I’d expected. “It was me, wasn’t it? The man who hurt you?”

“What are you talking about?”

“You sometimes look at me with sadness in your eyes, and I wondered if someone had hurt you. I thought maybe it was the guy you took to Kelly’s wedding. But it was me, wasn’t it?”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” she said, dismissing the idea with a flick of her wrist. “How could you hurt me? We never dated.”

“By not noticing you. By not realizing how you felt all this time. I hurt you, didn’t I?”

She sighed and picked up her napkin again, fiddling with the corner. “Maybe.”

“I’m sorry,” I murmured. I understood now why she’d stopped me last night. Not because she didn’t want me, but because she wanted more from me than one night of passion. Or a string of nights of passion.

Suddenly, I felt the responsibility of the situation land on my shoulders. As well as being attracted to her, I genuinely cared for Annalise. She was a friend. If she felt this way about me, I couldn’t have a relationship with her—she’d wind up more hurt when I ended it. And I
would
have to end it. Donna was right, I couldn’t do long term.

Or could I? Maybe if I gave it a go…

No, I wouldn’t let myself hurt Annalise by using her as a crash-test-dummy in an experiment destined to fail. I could risk my own heart and soul, but never someone else’s.

Especially Annalise’s.

Besides, Kelly and my mother would kill me if I did. Hell, this was getting complicated. It was worse than the guilt I’d had for the last twenty-four hours.

I looked over at Annalise and saw she was watching me carefully.

“Jake, I know what you think of yourself and what Donna told you. I don’t really understand why you believe it, but you do. So I know you can’t give me what I want, even if you were attracted to me.”

“Annalise—”

“No, Jake, you asked me to let you speak this afternoon, now let me say this.” She took a shuddering breath. “I want you to know that I don’t expect anything from you. In fact, one of the reasons I agreed to come tonight was to explain that I don’t think we should see each other anymore. You don’t need me to make you over. You never did. I couldn’t see anything that needed changing about you. I always thought you were perfect.”

One corner of my mouth tugged up at the irony. “You gave a pretty good impression of finding things that needed changing, then.”

“That was because you wanted to be something else. You want to attract Scarlett. But what you are is fine. More than fine.”

“When I’m around you, I forget about that stupid plan for Scarlett.” I spoke quietly, noticing her surprise before she again used the shield of her hair to cover any expression.

She looked out the window and hesitated before replying. “Anyway, if you ever needed help to catch a girl, you don’t anymore. Finding out about the hyacinth and leaving me that note was the most romantic thing a man has ever done for me. And add this dinner… You won’t have trouble impressing any woman. Although, as I said, I never thought you needed help in that area.”

“I don’t want to impress any woman, I only want to impress you.” I knew it was true as I heard myself say the words, and my shock at the revelation caught my breath.

Her broken smile cracked my heart. “Jake, please don’t. Unless you can give me what I want, please don’t.”

I rubbed a hand around the back of my neck. “I know, I’m sorry. You’re right, I can’t give you what you want, but don’t think for a
second
that I’m not attracted to you.” I knew I was floundering—trying to cope being in a place I’d never been before—but her words
even if you were attracted to me
replayed in my head, and I
had
to make her understand. “I don’t think I’ve ever been this attracted to anyone. Right this minute, I wish more than anything I was capable of making a relationship work, because I’ve never wanted one more than I do now.”

I watched her wipe a tear from her cheek, her eyes tormented, and felt my heart constrict. I grasped her hand across the table. “Annalise, I’m sorry, but I just can’t do it. I’m only capable of playing with things in life—business, sport, relationships. I can’t make a genuine commitment to anything or anyone. The only real thing in my life has always been my family—Mum and Kelly.”

She gave a sad smile. “And you do that well.”

“I had to—I became the man of the house when I was a kid. I can do that but, Annalise, I don’t think I can give you what you need from me.”

“I know.” She retracted her hand. “But you understand why I suggested we don’t see each other anymore?”

I wanted to disagree, to find a way—any way—that we could repeat that amazing kiss without anyone getting hurt. My whole body heated at the memory of her mouth, warm and moist under mine, and my eyes drifted back to that same mouth across the table.

Except it didn’t look warm and moist now—it looked pale and vulnerable.
I’d done that.
I was still doing it.

I dragged a hand across my face. The only thing I could give her now was what she’d asked for—what I knew was the right thing to do.

I nodded and felt my body flinch in response.

Chapter Twelve

Jake

I ran a finger inside the neckline of my shirt. The only other time I’d worn a suit like this was to Kelly’s wedding, and I made a vow then that nothing would make me wear one again, except maybe my own wedding.

My own wedding? I swallowed hard and looked nervously around the room of law firm employees and “valued clients” as if they could read my thoughts. No one seemed to be paying me much attention, though. I was sitting beside Scarlett, who was wearing an amazing black dress, and was talking to someone on her other side. It was one of only a few moments her attention had wandered from me all night.

That dress was a feat of engineering—fitted in all the right places. I idly wondered how Annalise would look in it.

Crap, I had to stop thinking about Annalise and focus on my date. I leaned over and touched her arm. “Would you like to dance?”

She turned to me and smiled. “I’d love to.”

We walked out onto the small dance floor, finding a space among the other couples. As we began to move to the music, I closed my eyes and imagined it was Annalise I was holding. Annalise’s skin under my palms, Annalise’s breathing I could hear. Just Annalise.

“Are you having a good time, Jake?”

Abruptly, I opened my eyes and stared down at Scarlett. “Yep. It’s been a great night.”

“You seem a bit distracted. Anything wrong?”

“Nope. Hey look, Artie Campbell is sitting over there—do you know him?”

Scarlett followed my line of vision. “Never met him.”

“Great guy. I’ve known him for years. My sister tells me he’s, and I quote, ‘handsome as sin’. Rich, too. Do you want me to introduce you?”

Scarlett leaned her head to one side. “Jake Maxwell, are you trying to set me up?”

“Who me?” I grinned and tried to look innocent.

“Well, let’s just say subtlety isn’t your forte. If you want me to back off, all you have to do is say so, you don’t need to set me up with Artie.”

“I’m sorry. I haven’t been myself lately.” That was an understatement—I was alternating between having trouble breathing through the tightness in my chest and wanting to kick something.

“How long?”

I sighed and pulled her close again, looking over her head. “Couple of weeks now.”

“Hmm, having trouble sleeping?”

“Yep.”

“Let me see. Distracted when out with a woman in a sexy dress, trouble sleeping, and not feeling yourself. Does she have a name?”

A little stunned by her evaluation, I caught myself before betraying it and shrugged. “No, there’s no woman. Well, there is, but she doesn’t want to see me again, so…” I left the sentence hanging.

“Jake, if she doesn’t want to see you again, then she’s either not paying attention or she’s stupid. And, frankly, I’m not prepared to hand you over to an inattentive, stupid woman.” She poked a finger into my shoulder as she made her point, and I laughed.

“Thanks for the vote of confidence, but she’s neither. Anyway, it’s not just her, but I can’t put my finger on what it is.”

“You know, Jake, I like you. If you want to talk about this, let me know.”

“Thanks, but I think I need to work it out on my own.”

“Okay, but the offer’s there.” She looked up at me under her lashes. “You know, we could be good together.”

I blew out a breath, running a hand through my hair. “I’m sorry, Scarlett, you’re gorgeous and—”

“Stop right there, Jake. Save me the kind letdown. I’m a big girl, I get the message. It’s a shame, though.” Scarlett gave me a rueful smile and slipped a hand through my elbow. “Come on, take me over and introduce me to Artie. Your sister’s right, he
is
handsome as sin.”

After making the introductions, I slipped out and drove down to the beach. I sat staring at the rhythmic pounding of the waves until I was too stiff from sitting to stay any longer.

…

Annalise

“Have you seen Jake lately?”

I wasn’t surprised by Kelly’s question, but the concern as she asked was strange. “Not for a couple of weeks. Why?”

Kelly looked around the café and played with her straw. Then she shrugged. “I don’t know. There’s something different about him. I’m not sure what. He hasn’t been over for a while, and, when I call him, he says he doesn’t have time to chat.”

I was torn between desperately wanting any scrap of news about Jake and knowing how dangerous that information could be. It was like the warnings not to feed the wild birds or risk them becoming dependent, obsessed with being hand-fed again. I knew it wouldn’t take much to turn me into an overgrown magpie, haunting Kelly for snippets, updates,
anything
. “Maybe he really doesn’t have time. His business could be keeping him busy.”

“It’s never kept him away from us before. We normally see him a few times a week. And he sounded sad.”

A flash of guilt flared through my body. Had I upset him, or was it something else? “I wouldn’t worry about it. He’ll probably be back to his old self soon enough.”

Kelly cast an appraising gaze over my face. “Did something happen between you two?”

I tensed. Kelly may be my best friend, but she was also Jake’s sister, and I couldn’t get into this with her—I didn’t have the energy. It was like I had full-body emotional exhaustion. It was taking all my strength to get up in the mornings for my shift at Barbara’s. I idly wondered at what point it’d be considered depression. Oh, my parents would love that. Depressed over a man. That would live up to their expectations of me.

Kelly was watching me, waiting for an answer.

“Nothing happened between us. I was just meeting with him about my designs. I’m sure he’s okay. He’d let you or Adam know if he wasn’t.”

“I guess you’re right.” But Kelly didn’t seem convinced.

Trying to change the subject, I asked, “So why did you ask me out to lunch?”

“There’s something I want to tell you, but lunch was really an excuse to spend more time together. I miss you.”

Smiling, I reached for her hand. “I want to spend more time together, too. Especially now you’ve got the baby coming. I’m prepared for any godmotherly duties you have for me.”

“That was the excuse for this lunch, actually. Mum’s organizing a dinner for all the baby’s parents. The grandparents, the godparents, and the actual parents.”

“Oh.” It’d be the first time seeing Jake since
that
night.

“There’ll be seven of us. Adam’s father and stepmother, Mum, Adam, me, Jake, and you.”

I tried not to give away that her plan had set off a chain-reaction of spasms throughout my entire nervous system. “When?”

“This Saturday night. Is that okay?”

My heart kicked into high gear.
Is that okay? Sure, if “okay” is on a par with a tooth extraction or a broken ankle.
“It’s great.”

…

Even though I didn’t have a particularly close relationship with my parents, I was feeling the need to be nurtured. My father answered on the third ring.

“Hi Dad, it’s me.”

“Annalise, darling. How lovely to hear from you.”

I settled back into the couch, Rover on my lap. “How are you?”

“Very well, thank you. Actually, I’m glad you called. I’ve been thinking about the conversation we had the last time you came for dinner.”

I swallowed—this couldn’t be good, especially when I’d called for nurturing. “Which conversation?”

“The one about you and marriage.”

My hand stalled, mid-stroke on Rover’s fur. “Dad—”

“I think you should do what makes you happy.”

“What?” Rover nudged my hand to start the patting again. Absentmindedly, I scratched behind her ear.

“Our marriage works for your mother and me, but it wouldn’t work for you.”

My stomach fluttered. “Because I’m too flaky?”

“No, of course you’re not. You’ve always been more…vibrant than either of us. I don’t know where you got it from, with both of us being so conservative.” He chuckled.

Was this really my father? The voice sounded like him—maybe he’d been imbibing Mike Brady and Wally Cleaver on old re-runs. “I didn’t know you thought that,” I said carefully.

“It’s not always appropriate to say things like this.” Yes,
that
was my father.

Disgusted with my inconsistent attention, Rover moved to nudge the hand holding the phone. I switched hands. “Are you disappointed that I’m…like this and not more like you?”

“Maybe I should have said this before, but I could never be disappointed in you, darling. Quite the opposite.”

“Really?” This was a lot to take in. Next, I’d have my mother asking for advice on belly button piercing.

“There’s a certain…passion in you. You’re very…alive.”

I could tell by his pauses and the gruffness in his voice this was hard for him to say, but I wanted to hear this, needed him to continue. “I am?”

“From when you were small, you weren’t content with how things were. You’ve always wanted to have it all. That’s the passion I’m talking about.”

I laughed at that and Rover jumped down and stalked away, her tail in the air in a very feline display of contempt. “It’s not all it seems, Dad. It’s led me into a lot of heartbreak.”

“Then here’s some fatherly advice. Embrace the heartbreak. It’s because you can feel it so strongly that you can feel other emotions passionately as well. Don’t stop searching for the love you want, Annalise. You
will
find it, and, when you do, grab it with both hands.”

“Oh, Dad.” My throat was too tight to say any more.

“Is something wrong, darling?”

How could I tell him that I’d found that love yet couldn’t grab it because it wasn’t reciprocated?

I swallowed and tried to speak past the lump. “No, nothing. It means a lot to me that you told me that. Thank you.”

“It’s my pleasure. I’ll see you next dinner.”

…

Jake

As I pulled the Jeep up in front of my mother’s house, I looked around at the other cars. Seemed I was the last to arrive. Adam’s father’s car was parked beside Kelly’s, and Annalise’s car was on the street in front of mine.

Annalise. How would it be to see her again? I’d made sure to avoid her since she asked me to, but it’d been harder than I’d have guessed. Everything reminded me of her. When I was in my office, I thought of the day she’d been there, sitting on the couch. When I walked down to my shop, I saw her designs proudly on display and remembered her modeling them for me. The first time I’d seen them there, I’d become so turned on at the memory, I had to leave the shop.

Even surfing, always my refuge, would never be the same after seeing her lying on my board, smiling softly at me in the deep water.

I walked slowly to the front porch, my desire to see her fighting with uncertainty about how she’d react to me now.

Kelly opened the door before I could knock and threw herself into my arms. “We’re waiting for you, come in.”

I left an arm around her shoulder as we walked into the dining room. My mother loved entertaining and had pulled out all the stops for this dinner in honor of her first grandchild. Seven places were set on her white lace tablecloth, with crystal glasses and linen napkins in antique holders. There were short candles along the middle of the table, surrounded by curling stems of jasmine.

I forced myself look at the table and compliment my mother as I kissed her cheek. Then I forced myself look at Adam’s father and stepmother, who were like family to me, as I smiled at their greeting. I forced myself look at Adam, my best friend in the world, who was beaming his delight at becoming a father.

Then, finally, I allowed myself a look at Annalise. If I’d looked any sooner, I knew I wouldn’t have been able to greet the others.

“Hey, Annalise. How are you?”

“Fine, thanks. How are you?”

“Oh, you know. Surviving,” I said lightly. The others laughed, but I’d been serious and, as I held her gaze, I thought I saw her recognize that.

My mother caught my attention with a hand on my arm. “Jake, I’ve put you here with Annalise. We thought the godparents should be side by side.”

I smiled and sat down, glad the conversation around me seemed to pick up where it had been interrupted by my arrival. I pretended to follow, even throwing in a comment here and there, but most of my attention was focused on the corner of my eye, where I could see Annalise. Except for the moments when she spoke and it was acceptable for me to turn and look at her.

“Annalise,” Mum said, “I hear your designs are finally for sale in Jake’s shop. Congratulations.”

“Thank you.” She blushed, and I wanted to kiss the redness of her cheeks. In that moment, I needed her to look at me, and the only method I could think of was to ask a question.

“Have you seen them on display yet?”

“No, I haven’t had a chance. Barbara’s given me some shifts at her shop.” She raised a shoulder in an offhand manner, and I wondered if anyone else noticed it was an act.

“Oh, Lisey, you’ve got to see them!” Kelly said. “I was in there yesterday to meet Jake, and I couldn’t miss them. They’re out front in a big exhibit thing, with all the colors of each one on display and mannequins modeling them.”

Annalise smiled shyly. “I’ll go. I promise.” The subject eventually changed, and the focus moved to Adam’s parents on the other side of the table.

I took the opportunity to lean over to Annalise and whisper in her ear, “You look gorgeous.”

She turned to me and seemed to search my eyes for something. “Thank you, so do you.”

I looked down. I’d worn the dark red shirt and paired it with jeans. I was becoming more at ease with dress shirts, but still liked the comfort of jeans.

“Have you had any luck finding your passions yet?” she asked tentatively.

“Not so much,” I admitted. But now I’d let the plan about Scarlett go, I should probably be spending more time trying to work it out. I had the urge to ask her for help—she probably knew me better than anyone. But I couldn’t ask her for something else. Not now.

I gave her a tight smile. “I’ll give it some thought.”

She nodded and glanced away.

Everything inside me seemed to shrink in on itself. I missed our friendship—the easy way we’d been chatting, the way I could relax and simply be myself around her—before I’d ruined it by pushing too far.