The Sweet Gum Tree (11 page)

“Your Mama is hurting, too, Alix. Maybe she was wrong to lie to you, but she did it because she loves you.” He reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a slip of paper, and handed it to me. The only thing on it was a phone number. “I know you aren’t ready to talk to Ellie yet, but you need to talk to someone. Someone who can tell you the truth.

Call him, Alix.”

I stared at the number. I didn’t have to ask who it belonged to. “Does Mama know you’re giving me this?”

“We talked it over. She’s willing to try anything that might help.” 59

Katherine Allred

“I’ll think about it.” I stuck the paper in my pocket.

I stayed at Jenna’s for over a week, trying to pull myself together. Nick came by almost every evening, never coming in the house, and staying only a few minutes before he’d leave again. But I suppose it was enough for Jenna to put two and two together.

“You’re in love with him, aren’t you?” she asked me. “Don’t deny it. I can see it on your face every time you look at him.”

I was too tired to argue. “And you don’t approve, right?” We knew each other almost too well.

“It’s not that, exactly.” She hesitated. “Alix, it scares me. Nick isn’t like us. He’s not like
any
of the other boys we know. I don’t want to see you hurt.”

“Nick would never do anything to hurt me.”

She dropped the subject, but I knew she hadn’t forgotten it. Jenna could be almost as bad as my family when it came to worrying about me.

Nick wasn’t the only one who came by to check on me. Hugh began coming over, too. He didn’t know what was wrong, only that something traumatic had happened to me, and neither Jenna nor I enlightened him as to what. Jenna took over the duty of entertaining him when it became obvious I couldn’t, and they would talk and laugh while I sat silently, lost in my own thoughts.

Things couldn’t go on the way they had been, and I finally called the number the Judge had given me. He was right. I needed to know the truth and I wasn’t sure anymore that I’d get it from Mama. My hands were shaky when I lifted the phone, and I had no idea what I was going to say.

He answered on the first ring, almost as though he’d been waiting for my call.

“This is Alix,” I said, my grip on the receiver so tight I was surprised it didn’t crack.

“I’m glad you called. We need to talk, Alix. Can I come over?” I shook my head, then realized he couldn’t see me. “Maybe I could meet you somewhere?”

“Anywhere you want.”

“The city park.” It was the first place that popped into my mind, and at least I knew we wouldn’t be interrupted this time of day.

“I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

“Okay.” I returned the phone to the cradle.

Jenna had been listening and her eyes reflected her concern. “Do you want me to go with you?”

“No. I think this is something I have to do on my own.” She nodded. “You know I’m here if you need me.” I was waiting on a picnic table twenty minutes later when my father’s black car pulled to a stop beside the Chevy. He was dressed more casually this time, as though he 60

The Sweet Gum Tree

hadn’t wanted to take time to change, and he looked as nervous as I felt. Gingerly, he sat down beside me.

“Hi.”

I returned the greeting.

“You know, I’ve wanted to meet you for so long and been so afraid you’d hate me, that now I don’t know what to say.”

“Did you love my mother?” I hadn’t intended to be so blunt, but the words slipped out on their own.

“Yes, I did.”

“Then why didn’t you marry her?”

He took a deep breath and rubbed his forehead. “I should have. I was going to, but—” He shook his head and started again. “Alix, none of this is your mother’s fault.

We weren’t much older than you are now when we met, and I was engaged to another woman. But the first time I saw Ellie I knew I’d made a mistake. It was love at first sight, and she felt the same way about me, but my fiancée was a very special person and neither of us wanted to hurt her. We started meeting in private. It was wrong and stupid, and we tried to stop. Every time we’d sneak off to be alone, we’d tell each other it couldn’t happen again. But we waited too long. When she told me she was pregnant, I didn’t know how to handle it. I told her we’d get married, but we were both afraid, Alix. Afraid of what everyone would say, afraid of how your family would react, and most of all, ashamed of what we’d done to…my fiancée.” I think I knew before I asked. It was the only logical explanation given what he’d told me and the snippets of information I’d gathered growing up. “Who was she, this fiancée of yours?”

He propped his elbows on his knees and looked down. “Your Aunt Jane.” I nodded. “So you what? Just took off and left Mama to straighten the mess out alone?”

“Pretty much. I know, I was a son of a bitch. I’m not trying to make excuses. It was too much for me and I panicked and ran. You don’t know how many times since then I’ve regretted it. A few years later I called your mother, but by then she’d made up the story of our fake marriage and divorce, and she wouldn’t talk to me. Not that I blame her. After what I’d done, I didn’t deserve her forgiveness. But I did deserve the chance to get to know my daughter, Alix. In spite of everything, I loved you. I still do. All I’m asking is that you try not to hate me, that you’ll give me—us—the time to work this out together.”

“I don’t know what to call you,” I whispered.

“Dad would be nice, but if you’re not ready for that, Jim will do.”

“Where have you been all this time?”

“In the navy until a few years ago. Now I live in Jonesboro and work for an accounting firm. I wanted to be as close to you as possible.” 61

Katherine Allred

“You never got married?”

“No. I guess part of me still loves your mother and always will.”

“And Aunt Jane?”

He hesitated again. “I cared about her, Alix, but I don’t think I ever really loved her.

If we’d gotten married it would have been a disaster. I think she understands that now, and she’s obviously forgiven your mother and loves you. They all do. Your mother is waiting to hear from you. She’s nearly sick with worry.”

“You’ve talked to her?”

“Yes. Several times in the last week. It’s not going to be easy for either of us, but I believe she’s willing to work around her feelings toward me for your sake. Everything she did was to protect you, Alix. Don’t you think it’s time to go home now?”

“I don’t know.” Part of me longed to, felt only half-alive without my family. But the other part still hesitated, unsure of how to behave now that everything I’d believed in had come crashing down.

“You don’t have to do it alone,” he said. “I’ll go with you.” I couldn’t move in with Jenna permanently. Sooner or later I had to face my mother.

It might as well be now. Slowly, I slid off the wooden seat. “Okay.” My father was a stranger to me. I don’t know why his presence seemed so comforting at that moment. Maybe it was
because
he was a stranger, someone who could take a neutral stance in the emotional upheaval I knew was coming. If he’d blamed my mother, or tried to excuse what he’d done, things would have been different. But he hadn’t, and for that if nothing else, I thought I might come to like him.

Mama was watching for us at the back door. She met me halfway, her step hesitant as her eyes searched mine. And suddenly, I was three years old again, depending on her to fix all my injuries, to make my world safe. “I’m sorry, Mama,” I whispered, tears choking my throat until it hurt.

Without a word, she held her arms open and I stumbled into them, both of us crying and apologizing, each tripping over the words in our rush to make amends, then laughing through our tears. My father stood quietly beside us, a bit of moisture in his eyes as well.

Eventually the waterworks dried up and the three of us spent a long time talking that night. Mama refused to let Jim take all the blame for what had happened. She said if she’d handled the situation differently, been honest with herself and Jane from the start, things would have worked out better for all of us. She also agreed that I should get to know my father, spend some time with him occasionally.

But while I gained a father, in the long run I lost an element of closeness with my mother that we could never get back. I was changed by the experience I’d gone through, as was she. We still loved each other and always would, but I wasn’t a naïve little girl anymore. I had found the hidden closet in our lives and dragged the skeletons out into the bright light of day. We could never put them back again.

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If our relationship hadn’t changed, maybe I could have talked to her later when I needed to so desperately. But it had, and I didn’t, and a hundred wishes won’t change the past. Mama had found that out the hard way. My lesson was still coming, and it would be the most grueling thing I’d experienced up to that point. But maybe I needed it. Maybe I couldn’t have gotten through what came afterwards if I hadn’t been tempered by the flames of Nick’s leaving.

63

Katherine Allred

Another year went by. Life gradually settled back to its normal routine after my father’s first appearance, and if I was a little quieter no one seemed to notice, not even Nick. But then, I hadn’t seen much of Nick lately. When he’d first gone to work at the garage, he’d lived almost exclusively in his room in the barn. That continued through the winter I was in eleventh grade and on into the summer. Now, inexplicably, he began staying at the salvage yard again and rarely showed up at the farm.

I didn’t think too much about it at first. Other things occupied my mind. My eighteenth birthday had come and gone, I had a father I was trying to become accustomed to, and I was a senior that year. On top of that, Hugh had stepped up his campaign to get me to go out with him.

Hugh was a nice looking young man, tall and well-built with his mother’s thick, light brown hair and his father’s green eyes. He was popular, too, and could have had his choice of any of the girls in town even without his family’s money backing him up.

Although she’d never admitted it, I think Jenna had a mad crush on him during most of our school years. But I suspected that his family, like mine, was pushing him to date me. Helena Morgan had very definite ideas about who was suitable for her son, and I was on the top of her list. If she’d known the circumstances of my birth she might have changed her mind, but as far as anyone but a handful of people knew, my father was merely my mother’s ex-husband.

All in all, I was simply tired of telling Hugh “no” every thirty minutes. That’s why, a month into my final year of school, I decided it was time for Nick and me to bring our relationship into the open. I didn’t want to hide anymore. I wanted the entire world to know I loved him.

It had been two weeks since I’d last seen him and I didn’t know when he’d be back in his room. Not willing to wait, I headed for the garage as soon as school was out that afternoon. I parked the Chevy on the far side of the air pump so it wouldn’t be in anyone’s way and headed for the work bay. I never made it.

I had only taken a few steps when I saw him. He was in back of the building, old worn-out tires scattered around him in haphazard piles, and he wasn’t alone. Lindsey was with him. I could have ignored that if it weren’t for their postures, but the way they were standing brought me to a sudden halt.

Lindsey’s face was lifted to his, and Nick was looking down at her, his expression intense while he talked to her in a low gentle voice I could hear, but not understand.

His hand curled around her nape in a possessive way that even I couldn’t miss, his thumb moving over her cheek. Lindsey’s body curved toward his as if drawn by 64

The Sweet Gum Tree

magnetic forces beyond her control. And just like that, I knew why he hadn’t been coming to the farm. I was only surprised I hadn’t realized it until now.

Coming as it did, while I was still wrestling with having a father in my life and dealing with the changes in my relationship with Mama, it was too much for me to take.

I didn’t get mad, or jealous, or throw a fit. My emotions simply shut down until all I felt was blessed numbness. I can only imagine that’s what Nick saw when he looked up abruptly, his eyes meeting mine.

I turned around, got back in the car, and left. If Nick made any attempt to stop me, I didn’t hear it and wouldn’t have listened if I had. Couldn’t listen. But I don’t think he did.

Once home, I went straight to the phone and dialed Hugh’s number. Still reacting, not thinking. Anything to keep from thinking.

My voice was calm when he answered. “Hugh? It’s Alix. Do you still want to go to the movies tomorrow night?” I listened while he said yes. “Great. Pick me up about six-thirty.”

If Nick thought I’d confront him about what I’d seen, demand an explanation like I would have a year ago, he was wrong. I couldn’t seem to make myself care enough to bother. For the next three months I moved on autopilot. I ate, I went to school, I studied like I never had before, and I dated Hugh every time he asked me. Gradually, people began to link our names together like they always do with couples. It was Alix and Hugh, never simply Alix alone, or Hugh alone. People started to take it for granted that we’d be married as soon as we graduated, and the only one who wasn’t thrilled was Piggy Treece. She’d always thought she and Hugh were meant for each other and she didn’t appreciate my interference. She and her friends did their best to start nasty rumors about me, but it’s hard to wound someone who doesn’t care, and they finally gave it up.

Hugh never took more liberties than a goodnight kiss while we were together. He was a friend, first and foremost, and I think he suspected that something wasn’t quite right. He treated me like I was some rare and fragile egg that might shatter if he held me wrong. Who knows? Maybe he was right.

On Christmas, we spent most of the day together, first with my family for dinner, then with his for supper. He gave me a beautiful charm bracelet adorned with a multitude of tiny, delicate charms. I gave him a plaque with his name embossed on the front and the words “Vice President” etched underneath to put on his desk when he started working with his father. His family got a big kick out of it, but I think they were all secretly pleased at my faith in Hugh.