The Sweetness of Forgetting (16 page)

“Whatever,” she repeats. She places the mixing bowl in the drying rack. “Can I go now? I have a lot of homework.”

I nod slowly and watch as she takes off her apron and hangs it carefully on the hook near the larger refrigerator. “Sweetie?” I venture. “Are you okay?”

She nods. She grabs her backpack and crosses the room to give me a quick, unexpected peck on the cheek. “Love you, Mom,” she says.

“I love you too, honey. You’re sure you’re fine?”

“
Yes,
Mom.” Her annoyed tone has returned, and she rolls her eyes.

She’s gone before I can say anything more.

I go to see Mamie that night, after I’ve closed the bakery. On the drive over, my insides are swimming with a mixture of trepidation, sadness, and dread that I can’t quite understand. In the space of a year, I’ve become the divorced owner of a failing bakery, whose daughter hates her. Now I might be Jewish too. It’s like I don’t know who I am anymore.

My grandmother is sitting at her window, gazing out to the east, when I let myself in.

“Oh dear!” she says, turning around. “I did not hear you knock!”

“Hi, Mamie,” I say. I cross the room, kiss her on the cheek, and sit down beside her. “Do you know who I am?” I ask hesitantly, because this conversation will ride on how lucid she is.

She blinks. “Of course, dear,” she says. “You are my granddaughter. Hope.”

I sigh in relief. “That’s right.”

“That is a silly question,” she says.

I sigh. “You’re right. Silly question.”

“So how are you, my dear?” she asks.

“I’m okay, thanks,” I say. I pause, struggling with how to bring up the things I need to know. “I was just thinking about what you told me the other night, and I had some questions.”

“The other night?” Mamie asks. She tilts her head to the side and stares at me.

“About your family,” I say gently.

Something flickers in her eyes, and her gnarled fingers are suddenly in motion, kneading the tasseled ends of her scarf.

“At the beach the other night,” I continue.

She stares at me. “We did not go to the beach. It is autumn.”

I take a deep breath. “You asked Annie and me to take you. You told us some things.”

Mamie looks more confused. “Annie?”

“My daughter,” I remind her. “Your great-granddaughter.”

“Of course I know who Annie is!” she snaps. She looks away from me.

“I need to ask you something, Mamie,” I say after a moment. “It’s very important.”

She’s staring out the window again, and at first, I don’t think she’s heard me. But finally, she says, “Yes.”

“Mamie,” I say slowly, enunciating every syllable so that there’s no chance of her misunderstanding, “I need to know if you are Jewish.”

She whips her head toward me so quickly that I shift back in my seat, startled. Her eyes bore into mine, and she’s shaking her head violently. “Who told you that?” she demands, her voice sharp and brittle.

I’m surprised to feel my heart sink a little. As much trouble as I’m having believing in what Gavin has said, I realize I’ve been buying into the possibility.

“N-no one,” I say. “I just thought—”

“If I were Jewish, I would be wearing the star,” my grandmother goes on angrily. “It is the law. You do not see the yellow star on me, do you? Do not make accusations you cannot prove. I am going to America to see my uncle.”

I stare at her. Her face has turned pink, and her eyes are flashing. “Mamie, it’s me,” I say gently. “Hope.”

But she seems not to hear me. “Do not harass me, or I will have you reported,” she says. “Just because I am alone does not mean you can take advantage of me.”

I shake my head, “No, Mamie, I would never—”

She cuts me off. “Now if you will excuse me.” I watch, openmouthed, as she stands with surprising agility and walks quickly toward her bedroom. She slams the door.

I stand up and take a step after her, but then I freeze. I don’t know what to say or do. I feel terrible that I’ve made her upset. The violence of her response confuses me.

After a moment, I follow after her and rap lightly on her door. I can hear her get up from the bed, the springs of her old mattress creaking in protest. She pulls open the door and smiles at me. “Hello, dear,” she says. “I did not hear you come in. Forgive me. I was just reapplying my lipstick.”

Indeed, she has a fresh coat of burgundy on. I stare at her for a moment. “Are you okay?” I ask hesitantly.

“Of course, dear,” she says brightly.

I take a deep breath. She seems to have no recollection of her explosion just moments before. This time I reach for her hands. I need an answer.

“Mamie, look at me,” I say. “I’m your granddaughter, Hope. Remember?”

“Of course I remember. Do not be foolish.”

I hold her hands tightly. “Look, Mamie, I’m not going to hurt you. I love you very much. But I need to know if your family is Jewish.”

Her eyes flash again, but this time, I hold on and make sure she doesn’t look away. “Mamie, it’s me,” I say. I feel her hands tighten around mine. “I’m not trying to hurt you. But I need you to answer me.”

She stares at me for a moment then pulls away. I follow her as she strides back to the window in the living room. I’m just beginning to think that she’s forgotten my question when finally she speaks, in a voice so soft it’s almost a whisper.

“God is everywhere, my dear,” she says. “You cannot define him in any one religion. Do you not know that?”

I put a hand on her back, and I’m heartened when she doesn’t flinch. She’s staring at the oyster sky as the blue seeps into the ground along the horizon.

“No matter what we think of God,” she continues in the same soft, even tone, “we all live under this same sky.”

I hesitate. “The names you gave me, Mamie,” I say softly. “The Picards. Are they your family? Were they taken away during World War Two?”

She doesn’t answer. She continues to stare out the window. After a moment, I try again. “Mamie, was your family Jewish? Are you Jewish?”

“Yes, of course,” she says, and I’m so startled at the immediacy of her reply that I take a step back.

“You are?” I ask.

She nods. Finally, she turns to look at me. “Yes, I am Jewish,” she says. “But I am also Catholic.” She pauses and adds, “And Muslim too.” My heart sinks. For a moment, I’d thought she was speaking with clarity.

“Mamie, what do you mean?” I ask, trying to keep the tremor out of my voice. “You’re not Muslim.”

“It is all the same, is it not? It is mankind that creates the differences. That does not mean it is not all the same God.” She turns to look out the window again. “The star,” she murmurs after a moment, and I follow her gaze to the first pinprick of light against the sunset. I watch with her for a moment, trying to see what she sees, trying to understand what makes her sit at this window every night, searching for something she seems never to find. After a long while, she turns toward me and smiles.

“My daughter Josephine will come to visit one day soon,” she tells me. “You should meet her. You would like her.”

I shake my head and look down at the floor. I decide not to tell her that my mother has long since died. “I’m sure I would,” I murmur.

“I think I will rest,” she says. She looks at me without a glint
of recognition. “Thank you for coming. I have enjoyed our visit. I will show you out now.”

“Mamie,” I try.

“No, no,” she says. “My
mamie
does not live here. She lives in Paris. Near the tower. But I will tell her you say hello.”

I open my mouth to reply, but no words come out. Mamie is herding me toward the door.

I’m over the threshold and the door has almost closed on me when Mamie suddenly cracks it open once more and stares at me, long and hard. “You must go to Paris, Hope,” she says solemnly. “You must. I am very tired now, and it is nearly time for me to sleep.” And then the door is closed, and I’m staring at a characterless palette of pale blue paint.

I stand there for so long, dumbstruck, that I don’t even notice the nurse, Karen, approach me.

“Miss McKenna-Smith?” she says.

I turn and look at her blankly.

“Are you okay, ma’am?” she asks.

I nod, slowly. “I think I’m going to Paris.”

“Well . . . that’s nice,” Karen says hesitantly. She obviously thinks I’ve lost it, and I don’t blame her. “Um, when?”

“As soon as I can,” I tell her. I smile. “I need to go.”

“Okay,” she says, still looking bewildered.

“I’m going to Paris,” I repeat to myself.

Chapter
Ten

Rose

The sunset that night was brighter than usual, and as Rose watched the eastern horizon, she thought about how the vivid illumination of the sky was one of God’s most marvelous tricks. She remembered, with a clarity that surprised her, sitting at the window of her family’s apartment on rue du Général Camou, watching the sun set in the west, over the Champ-de-Mars. It had always seemed to her that the view at sundown was the most beautiful blend of the magic of God and the magic of man; a beautiful light show surrounding a glittering, mysterious tower of steel. She used to imagine that she was a princess in a castle, and that this light show was being put on just for her. She was sure that hers was the best window in the city, perhaps the best view in all the world.