The Tangled Web (20 page)
Authors: Lacey Dearie
From: [email protected]
Subject: REVENGE IS A DISH WORST SERVED DRUNK
Date: 5
th
March
Hi mate :(
When I started this company along with Flic, I thought it
would be glamorous and sexy. I saw myself as a sort of real life Bond girl,
all smouldering glances across the roulette table, sipping champagne and
pulling my dress down a tad to reveal cleavage and entice my client’s husband
or boyfriend.
Clearly there are loads of other women who feel the same.
HunE-trap Investigations has received more enquiries from women wanting to be
HunE-trappers than from people who actually want to use our investigation services.
The emails are all pretty similar. “I’m interested in
being a HunE-trap girl. Do I need any training or previous experience?” The
answer is no. To quote Flic, “All you need is the ability to crawl without
laddering your tights.”
We’ve found out the truth is, it’s not glamorous, or sexy.
It’s plain boring most of the time. We’re not real life Bond girls. We’re not
sophisticated spies. We’re just girls with Internet access. I still sit at
the computer in my pyjamas every night, looking dowdy, but now I also feel icky
because I’m part of an organisation where we’re paid to flirt with some
repulsive letch with a daft girlfriend who lets him away with it. Perhaps the
most depressing thing is that even though they’ve gone to all the trouble to find
out for sure what rats their men are, about eighty percent of the women who use
our service just carry on with their relationships, regardless of what we
discover.
Our job is not a happy one.
I need to tell you about our most disturbing assignment so
far. Flic and I agreed not to tell anyone, but I need to get it off my chest.
We have been investigating Flic’s ex-husband, George, at the request of his new
wife, Amy – her ex protégée. How did this unhappy assignment fall into our
laps? Courtesy of Adam, our newest team member, the appropriately named Lame
Bond. Lame was on account of his broken leg before but now it has a whole new
meaning. He stupidly sent a marketing email to Amy, the new wife and ex
protégée “for a laugh” and she took us up on it. Yes, we should have declined
the assignment. But after a few glasses of champers, Flic decided revenge
would be sweeter than the cocktails she drinks for breakfast, lunch and
dinner. We are now legally required to fulfil our contractual obligations and
HunE-trap Flic’s ex. Oh joy.
We did make a rule that we don’t accept anyone we know as a
client. That’s now had to be disregarded. The problem we had was how to trap
the rat. We couldn’t use our own pictures because we would be found out.
We decided the best course of action was to pay a Big Issue
seller to come to my house, get a makeover and pose for pictures. Then we used
those photos for the fake profile. Obviously. Isn’t that what everyone would
do faced with our problem?
The stupidity doesn’t stop there. Oh no. We haven’t
actually told Lame Bond or Sherlock Poems (I’m going to stop calling him that,
his poems are shite) about the assignment. Because we know they would
disapprove. And possibly hate us. And Flic would get dumped. And Magnus
would never get romantically involved with me after it. So to cover our tracks
(ha!) we decided to use the same honey we’re using to trap George to befriend
Adam and Magnus. Because they would never suspect the honey was us. We all
agreed that our honeys wouldn’t be friends online, in any way, shape or form,
with our real selves.
It blew up in our faces because Magnus recognised the girl
in the picture. He started asking questions and we blocked him. That was
three weeks ago. He hasn’t mentioned anything about her to us. Well, he
wouldn’t. We did, however, try to find the Big Issue seller and warn her. We
had no success. She seems to have vanished now. Someone else is selling
magazines on her pitch and they don’t know where she’s gone.
In the meantime, Flic is still trying to trap her
ex-husband. She said it was best if she did it because she knows him inside
out and knows exactly what turns him on. Well, clearly she doesn’t because
it’s taken her three weeks already.
The lengths she has gone to in order to make the honey
appear convincing are extraordinary. The character she created is a young
Polish chambermaid, living in London, working at the Dorchester and enjoying a
good social life. She’s now befriended everyone she can find who ever worked
at the Dorchester hotel in London so that she can find out more about the job.
She’s hoping to visit London soon to do some reconnaissance work. Flic has
even signed up for Polish lessons, as her ex-husband has studied languages at
uni and keeps trying to persuade the honey to teach him Polish.
It feels like I’m watching a very slow car crash. HELP!
Vicky
xx
*****
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: REVENGE IS A DISH WORST SERVED DRUNK
Date: 5
th
March
Hi Vicky
I’m not giving
you a lecture, but seriously, what the hell were you thinking? Everyone in the
town knows the girl who sells The Big Issue! I can’t believe you and Flic
thought you’d get away with it.
If I were you,
I’d just leave Flic to it. It’s her mess. Let her clear it up. But I’d
delete Adam from the friends list too, if you haven’t already.
How are things
going with you and Magnus?
Christos
xx
*****
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Re: REVENGE IS A DISH WORST SERVED DRUNK
Date: 5
th
March
I know I should
leave Flic to it, but I feel partly responsible for all this because I should
have taken control at the very beginning when I heard that Amy had been in
touch. I should never have let it get this far. Part of me thinks I should
tell Adam what’s going on due to family loyalty, but he’s already feeling so
unhappy because of his accident. I can’t kick him when he’s down. And I
sometimes feel that HunE-trap Investigations and his relationship with Flic are
the only things keeping him going at the moment. I honestly think the best
thing to do is keep quiet.
Things are
going really well with Magnus. We’re not officially an item yet but we’re
seeing each other three or four times a week now. And he’s stayed over, so
surely that means we’re involved? I’ve been keeping an eye on his relationship
status on Tête-a-net but he hasn’t changed it yet. That’s my signal. Once he
changes it I’ll know he’s serious :)
Vicky
xx
*****
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Re: Re: REVENGE IS A DISH WORST SERVED DRUNK
Date: 5
th
March
That’s a tough
call. I don’t know what I would do in that situation. You obviously want to
be loyal to your brother, but it will affect your working relationship and
friendship with Flic. I think you’re probably right to do what you’re doing
though and keep quiet. Adam’s an adult. He can make his own decisions. I’d
stay out of it.
I think this is
why people should never date their friends’ brothers/sisters. It gets messy.
Or their brother’s friends, for that matter. I’m not sure getting involved
with Magnus in this way is a good move for you right now. You’re still fragile
after Colin leaving, and then having a few disappointments when you started
dating again. I don’t want to see you having another disappointment, agapi
mou. Why not wait until you’re fully ready for a new relationship?
Concentrate on yourself and Sasha right now. You don’t need a man to be
happy. And I don’t think Magnus would be able to enhance your life at all.
Christos
xx
*****
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: REVENGE IS A DISH WORST SERVED
DRUNK
Date: 5
th
March
I’m not as
fragile as you think. I’m always concentrating on Sasha. She’s the most
important person in my life. But I need to be happy too, and I’d like to have
someone to share my life with.
Vicky
xx
*****
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: REVENGE IS A DISH WORST SERVED
DRUNK
Date: 5
th
March
Ok, sorry. I
just want you to be happy. That’s all.
Christos
xx
7
th
March
Flic looked down at the name of her tutor on the letter she
had received confirming her place on the course. Mr. Pawel Dutkowiak. How on
earth was she going to pronounce that? She then corrected herself. She
didn’t need to be able to pronounce Polish correctly, just write a few words in
order to make Diana a convincing honey.
She had searched the whole area looking for an evening
class in Polish but had been unsuccessful. Then she went back to the Debenhams
café and asked the man who had served her the day she created Diana if he would
consider teaching her the basics. He had taken the idea on board and a week
later, not only had he called her to arrange a time for her first lesson, he
said she had given him the idea that he should run an evening class teaching
his native language. He had made flyers and put an advert in the local paper.
He now had ten students.
Flic smiled and congratulated herself on making a positive
difference in this man’s life. Perhaps some good would come of the unsavoury
situation that had been created after all – in other people’s lives, if not her
own.
She lightly touched the doorbell and waited just a few
seconds before Pawel opened the door.
‘Flic! We’ve been waiting for you. Class is about to
start. Please come in, you’re very welcome to my home,’ he enthused.
‘So nice to see you again!’ She lightly kissed Pawel on
each cheek, unaware if this was acceptable to Polish people or not. Well, it
was how she greeted most people she liked, and she wasn’t going to stop just
because he was foreign. ‘What a lovely home you have,’ she complimented
without even caring enough to take the time to look at the surroundings.
‘You’re too kind, Flic. Please sit down. Help yourself to
some tea or coffee and a cake,’ he smiled.
Flic briefly scanned the room for an empty chair and found
one in between a burly looking man with grubby hands and a woman holding a
notepad and pen. She gingerly perched on the edge of an uncomfortable looking
high backed chair and removed her coat and gloves. Returning a smile from the
woman with the notepad, she decided to follow the woman’s example and prepare
for note-taking. She reached for her bag from the floor and removed her iPad
and stylus.
‘Ooh, an iPad! Are they any good? I’ve always fancied
one,’ boomed a male voice directly across the room from her.
Flic looked up and opened her mouth to reply when the woman
sitting next to the man caught her eye. She looked very familiar. Flic was
momentarily distracted and had to struggle to draw her attention back to the
question.
‘Well, it’s come in handy in my line of work,’ she
replied. Her eyes darted back to the woman. Was that…..? No, it couldn’t
be. She looked a lot like Lumi. Except cleaner. And healthier. Her eyes
were wary and guilty at the same time and they rolled around, looking anywhere
but in Flic’s direction.
‘Oh, and what line of work is that?’ asked Mrs. Notepad.
‘I’m a private investigator,’ Flic winked. A chorus of
oohs and aahs followed and Flic smirked. She still enjoyed the image of her
line of work, even if she’d lost the enthusiasm for every other aspect of it.
Flic’s eyes again turned toward the woman she suspected may
be Lumi. It was her. It had to be her! She was the only one who hadn’t
looked impressed when Flic said what she did for a living.
She was tempted to continue looking at Lumi, waiting for
eye contact, but decided it might attract attention and seem sinister to the
other people in the room. She would wait until after the class was over and
then approach her - if she was able to concentrate.
