The Tao of Pam (11 page)

Generous Pam always included Sandra and Tom’s family, too. And because Tom’s parents were divorced, the two of them alternated holidays except for the first picnic after Marie’s death when they both attended. It was cordial, but Virginia decided being with her ex-husband’s younger wife was like having another daughter she had to worry about. For her own personal comfort, she’d let Gwen be the wife in residence every other holiday. “I’m perfectly fine if they decide to come, but I think I’ll take a break. I get the baby all week; they can enjoy her on national holidays.”

Tom had burst out laughing when she said it. “Okay, Mom, if that’s what you want.” So this weekend, Virginia was staying in Brooklyn.

Tom could hear the phone ringing, the murmuring of Sandra’s voice, then her footsteps coming down the hall. “My sister isn’t coming Monday. Surprise, surprise.” Her sister, Sylvia, was trying to be more involved in Sandra’s life now that Miranda was in the picture, but it wasn’t always easy to get her own family to agree to holidays spent with strangers, even if it was at the beach.

“Oh, too bad,” Tom said. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing, they just don’t feel like braving the traffic. I can’t say that I blame them. I don’t get it. Pam always used to include us for the whole weekend. What changed?”

“She’s got Lisa’s in-laws now,” Tom said, trying to placate her. “There’s no room for us.” But he felt the same way.

“I think I might try to weasel an overnight visit for July. They don’t have to go out of their way to see Mandy, ever. It’s always us taking her to Pam’s. And there’s nothing written that we have to go to them.”

Tom didn’t say anything in reply, knowing from experience that Sandra was just blowing off steam. Pam would probably do anything they asked of her; the very house they were in was made possible by her generosity. No one he knew on the police force could afford to live in a four-story brownstone in Williamsburg.

“Why don’t we have Christmas here this year?” Tom said. “We can show off the house, and Mandy will really know Santa is coming, so she should be in her own place.”

Sandra was frowning; Tom could almost see the wheels turning in her head.

“Christmas is six months away. If I plant the seed in everyone’s head now, no one will have an excuse not to come. Do you thing Virginia will mind?”

“She’ll love it. She wasn’t thrilled with the ride to the beach last year. The six inches of snow the night before threw her off.” The blizzard continued into Christmas day, and by the time they carved the turkey, it looked like no one would be able to leave the beach. Then the power went off. Tom had felt it was necessary to get his family back to Brooklyn in case they needed him at work, and after a three-hour harrowing drive, Virginia said that was the last time Christmas would be spent with the rich people.

Miranda ran to Sandra and put her arms up to be picked up. “What time do you think you’ll be back?” Sandra asked.

He pulled them over for a hug. “Let’s not rush, okay? I’ll call Gwen and see when she is expecting us. Hopefully, it won’t be for lunch.”

Sandra was relieved. The workweek had been brutal. Tom’s mother made her life so easy, having dinner ready every night, doing grocery shopping for them, even cleaning the house although they hired a cleaning lady. All she had to do was come home. To have a leisurely Saturday was crucial.

Going to John and Gwen’s was not relaxing. Gwen was high energy, every minute packed with planned activities. They went for walks, to the zoo, to flea markets and farmers’ markets. She made a major production out of every meal, and it was never just a few items. She always had fresh baked goods for breakfast, bagels and lox, omelets, waffles. Sandra would be ready to explode, and two hours later Gwen would be telling her about their lunch plans, either a meal out at the latest new restaurant they found or something monumental that she was cooking. How she and John stayed so thin was a real mystery.

The only good thing about staying with them was that they both loved Miranda and never seemed to tire of running after her or entertaining her. Just thinking about the next two days was exhausting. Miranda was rubbing her eyes and whiney; they were both ready for a nap. But while Miranda was sleeping in her crib, Sandra called Pam.

“You have no idea what’s going on here,” Pam whispered into the phone.

Sandra’s ears perked up. “If I had been invited to spend the weekend, I would be there now, helping you through it.”

“Look, you never, ever have to ask. Just come now, for God’s sake. That ass of a son-in-law of mine was doing something in public that I
think
may have entailed his penis, and after he went off to jail last night, Dan came to the rescue. I haven’t heard a word from Lisa yet, since they left. Ed’s mother and father are here, and I have no idea what to say to them about why the kids left.

“But that’s not all. Julie Hsu called and gave me an earful. Brent’s supposed to be here this weekend, but I have no idea when, and as usual, he’s not answering his phone.”

Sandra felt awful about the bad vibes she’d been sending Pam when all along the poor woman was clearly having a terrible time.

“I don’t know what to say to you. Why now? Why both kids’ significant others being a-holes now?”

“I have no idea. Brent and Julie broke up, so she isn’t even involved anymore. Come over now if you want.”

“Tom went into the city for work, and then we’re due at Gwen’s. I’ll ask if they mind if we go early. Do you have room?”

“I’ll get rooms down the beach. Come,” Pam repeated.

It would work out that, as Sandra suspected, Gwen would have every second of the next two days planned, and they would only be going to Pam’s for Monday. But whenever they could, Pam and Sandra would speak on the phone for the latest updates.

***

By lunchtime, Ed was sitting leaning against the quartz countertops next to the farmhouse sink in Lisa’s lavish kitchen, drinking coffee. Little Megan was sitting in her highchair, trying to negotiate pieces of banana, missing her mouth most of the time. Lisa was still sleeping. Nerves shot, knowing his parents were probably wondering what was going on because they weren’t at the beach, he was afraid to wake Lisa up. He could hear water running upstairs, and breathed a sigh of relief. Then her footsteps on the stairs. She came into the kitchen, still in her nightgown.

Without saying good morning, she looked at Megan. “Is that all she’s had today?” she asked, referring to the banana.

“Yes, so far.”

Lisa flashed him a dirty look and started pulling little jars of food out of the refrigerator. “How’d you like it if all you had to eat all day was fruit? Has she had anything to drink?”

“She had a milk bottle at seven.”

“Ed, that’s not enough,” she said angrily. She opened a new jar of rice cereal and started feeding her with a tiny spoon. “Get a sippy cup with milk in it.”

Ed wanted to start screaming. He didn’t feel violence or aggression toward his wife, but the urge to scream and cry and kick things was overwhelming. He did as she said and got a sippy cup out of the cupboard, pouring milk into it, but he could never get the tops on correctly, and they always leaked all over the baby. Lisa grabbed it from him when she saw he was struggling.

“Give it to me,” she said. She saw his hands shaking, and although she hated what was happening to them, she was powerless to change it. She couldn’t go to Ed as she wanted, throw herself at him, begging him to be strong, to feel good about their life because he would just fuck up her effort by not responding. She was exhausted from trying to be his cheerleader, encouraging him and supporting him, trying not to make any demands on him.

The lack of intimacy in their relationship had taken such a toll on her, her most basic needs not met because he was unable to do so, and now when he really needed her to stand by him, she had to force it. But she was determined to be honest with him.

“I had a revelation last night after you fell asleep. I think that week on the boat, the week I thought we were falling in love, that you were so enamored of me, was nothing more than a very immature exploration of your own sexuality. The reality hit me like a bag of cement. I thought it was the ultimate in intimacy, and all it was, was a little boy in a big body playing doctor.” She looked over at Ed and was shocked to see that he was considering what she said. He wasn’t angry, or even shocked. He agreed with her.

“Part of that is probably true,” he said. The pain his easy acknowledgment of her statement made her heart jar in her chest. She was worried that fears that he might have emotional problems that had been undiagnosed were true.

“Why do you say that, Ed?” she asked, almost whispering. She offered Megan a sip of milk from the cup.

“We need to be completely honest with each other, okay? Please don’t start screaming at me.”

“I promise,” she said, not knowing how difficult that might be.

“I think I have some kind of mental illness.”

Lisa looked away, willing herself not to throw the sippy cup in his face.

“We probably would have been okay, but everything happened so quickly, with my stupidity not using protection while we were on the boat, and the stress of work and then the house renovation, I guess I just couldn’t handle it. But just for a second. If this arrest doesn’t destroy us, I think I’ll be okay.”

“We would not have been okay, Ed. Eventually, something would have happened.”

Lisa wasn’t sure, though. She didn’t know enough about it. Later, she’d discover that he had the characteristics of an adult with mental illness. She didn’t love that Ed, the childish Ed who made bad decisions. She wanted the Ed who tried so hard to please her, the Ed who worshiped her, who, for the first year of their life together would watch her bathe and insist on shaving her legs for her. It was so erotic, she still shivered when she thought of him doing it to her.

Then, one of the first signs of change, she discovered him shaving his own legs. “What are you doing?” she asked, shocked.

“I like how smooth yours feel, and I want mine to feel that way, too.”

Ed was a hard worker, but now that he’d decided to jack off in her mother’s car, he may not be employed much longer.

“I’m not sure we will be okay, Ed.” She fought the urge to yell at him; he was like a defenseless adolescent. “I think we need to call Dan right away and tell him. A diagnosis like this might get your arrest charge dropped, or whatever they call it.” She turned from him, thinking. She’d have to get him in to see her therapist right away. He had another week of school; if they didn’t find out about the arrest, he could finish off the last week. It would look good on his record.

“Keep an eye on Megan, please,” she said, now aware that he might not be capable of parenting without some kind of supervision. The thought gave her the chills. She had a lot to learn. She went into the den and closed the sliding doors. The enormity of what she’d taken on, buying this ridiculous house and the renovations she’d insisted he participate in, being a parent, and now being the wife of a man who may require more support than she was capable of giving, flooded her. She picked up the house phone and dialed Pam’s number.

“Mom, I think we’re in trouble here,” she said.

“You
are
in trouble,” Pam’s unfiltered reply blasted. “You’ve also got Ed’s parents here, pacing the floor.”

“I need to speak to Dan,” Lisa said, trying to keep her voice low. “You can admonish me all you want later.”

“Lisa, you need to deal with this on your turf. I’m sending your in-laws to your house. What you choose to reveal to them is completely up to you. And Dan would be more than happy to talk to you when he’s not entertaining fifteen of his closest friends and family.” In the past, Pam would have dropped everything for Lisa, even cancelling the picnic. But not anymore. And whatever it was that was unfolding at Lisa’s house needed to stay there.

“Mother, I don’t think you realize the magnitude of what we are faced with.”

“Yes, yes, I do, Lisa. But nothing is going to happen this weekend. Dan has already assured me that Tuesday will roll around soon enough, and at that time he will do what he can for Ed. But in the meantime, if you have issues that need to be dealt with now, your in-laws top the list.”

“So what are you saying? You won’t let me talk to Dan?”

“No, I’ll give him your message, and when he gets a free moment, I’m sure he’ll call you back. In the meantime, get ready for Gladys and Big Ed.”

“I need you right now, Mother,” Lisa said, sobbing into the phone.

Pam sighed. Her daughter was determined, if nothing else.

“And I am so sorry I can’t be there for you, Lisa. If this had happened any other time but the Memorial Day picnic, you know I would do whatever you needed.”

Lisa doubted it, but decided to buck it up. Her mother was not budging.

“Whatever. Please have Dan call as soon as he can.” She hung up without saying goodbye. Having to grow up suddenly, the backup you always depended on refusing to help as Pam had just done; Lisa knew she had no one but herself to rely on.

She tried to focus on the basics. Ed was her husband. They’d had an immediate attraction, no matter what the psychological explanation for it was. He was a great teacher who had the respect of his peers and students, whose parents loved him. Everything about Ed was sweet and pure. Except for two things: he’d quickly gotten sick of conjugal sex and had masturbated in front of a cop. If she could keep her eye on the fact that she was married to him and that she took her vows seriously, she would get through this day. One day at a time. She’d do all the cliché things she’d heard older people did to get through life. Taking one day at a time, deep breathing, do unto others, be kind in every word and deed. Just the laundry list of those things brought her to tears. She was so selfish and unkind. Why did it take a tragedy like this to wake her up
? Get real, your husband just pulled his dick out at the wrong time,
she said to herself.
No one died.

Grabbing the phone again, she quickly dialed Pam’s number. “Mother, I apologize for being ungrateful,” she said after Pam said hello. “I’m truly sorry for expecting so much. Thank you for trying to help me.”