The Tao of Pam (18 page)

Chapter 14

Pam

Tomorrow is finally Memorial Day, thank God. This year’s picnic is modest compared to the last one Jack hosted. I am so tired of the distribution of that disgusting video that makes my picnic appear to be a lavish gala given by a wealthy sheik. Jack insisted on renting all of those potted palms in urns and dozens of white umbrellas. He said his motive was to keep people outside. It worked, but I was embarrassed in front of the neighbors; it was so ostentatious. The uniformed waiters walking around in tuxedos in the heat was a little over the top. The spectrum of fashion was from thong bikini to long evening gown, golf shorts to black tie. I was never sure where the formal theme originated, unless those guests were attending another party that evening.

This year I invited my family come for the entire weekend so they could spend time with Miranda and get a chance to see little Megan. Then I forgot to ask Tom and Sandra to come early. In the past, the house was always full of people for the long weekend. Well, it’s just too much. I’m getting too old for it. Gladys Ford has helped as much as she could, but even with the food catered, I haven’t had a minute to myself all weekend.

I’m hiding out in my bedroom. It’s nine at night, and Jeff Babcock is out on the veranda with Dan. I can hear their laughter; Jeff’s boyfriend had too much to drink, and his voice is echoing out over the ocean. His behavior is beyond raucous. Someone is going to have a vicious headache in the morning. My sister Susan is out there with the men, doing shots with Jeff. She’d give him a shot at more than alcohol if he was interested in women. I peeked out, and both Jeff and Dan were staring while she did a seductive version of the cha cha. Watching Dan take interest surprised me and disappointed me. He’s just like any man, taking a mighty tumble off his pedestal tonight. Her husband disappeared right after dinner. Last year, he drove to Atlantic City and didn’t come home until the next day, long after lunch. I had to lend them money to get home. I wonder if he’s gambling again.

Of course, you know about Ed by now. Honest to God, I had no idea when Dan said he’d exposed himself that it meant, well you know! Are you kidding me? My daughter just confides in me that her husband has lost interest in sex, and two days later, he’s in
my
car at the Taco Bell,
doing that
. Lisa told me what he was doing. I went right to Dan and accused him of treating me like a child instead of telling me what really happened.

“Why would I tell you something so awful? I didn’t want you to think the worst of your son-in-law. The next thing I’d know, you’d want to sell your car because of it,” he said.

“I do want to sell it! It’s disgusting. It has to be disinfected now, no matter what.”

“Jack bought that car for you,” Dan said gently. “I’ll have it detailed, but I don’t think you should sell it.” He was right, of course. Jack did buy me that car. One thing about Dan, he has no jealousy at all about Jack. He’s said that he enjoys the fruits of the man’s labor enough; he’d be a jerk to be jealous. I wonder if that’s a warning bell?

I miss Jack so much. My life revolved around the man for thirty years. Did I really expect to get over his death in a matter of a few years? Lately, I feel that I’m on the edge emotionally, but if Ed’s shenanigans didn’t push me over, I think I’ll be okay. There is no one to talk with since Marie died, and I had to measure my words with her. Now that Lisa has Ed’s problems to deal with, I really don’t want to burden her. The sadness runs its course. And then something will remind me, and I’ll miss him again.

To get back to Ed, he says he has a mental illness. The laundry list of symptoms is long. My daughter is as big a pushover than I was. Or is it something about our psychological makeup that predisposes us to look the other way? Lisa is at her wits’ end, worrying about Ed’s job and the anticipation of having to live with a mentally ill man.

Lisa came to me a while ago and said she couldn’t find Ed; it’s possible he went to Atlantic City with Susan’s husband. I can’t picture them together. My brother-in-law is a jocular guy, loud and obnoxious, the polar opposite of Ed.

Brent arrived from Los Angeles; I didn’t tell him that Julie had been in contact with me. He and Lisa have been lying on her bed in the same position talking for the past six hours, only coming out for food and drink. Lisa texted me a while ago, saying that Brent mentioned coming back to Babylon for good, to live here at the beach, with me. I’m fine with it. I never wanted him to stay away in the first place. I’m a little nervous thinking that possibly he wants to live here and not work, because that would be unacceptable. So who knows what is going to happen. I might have both children here after all.

Marie would be so happy.

Chapter 15

Monday at dawn, Pam woke up in the middle of a dream about Marie. She tried to go back to sleep to see if it would continue, it was that interesting. Marie was with her in the den during a winter snowstorm. They were sitting in the leather chairs facing the mullioned windows that looked out over the ocean, and darkness was just beginning to fall. The snow was coming down heavily, and Marie was worried that they wouldn’t be safe at the beach.

“There’s no one here to protect us,” she said.

Ashton was putting wood logs in the gas fireplace. “I’ll protect you,” he said.

“How can you?” Marie asked. “You don’t even know how gas logs work.”

“Jack will tell me how,” Ashton said.

“Jack’s dead,” Pam said gently, knowing Ashton would be sad.

“I’m dead, too,” Ashton replied.

“Ashton?” Pam woke up, startled. “Why in god’s name did I dream of that maniac?” Closing her eyes for a moment, she tried to go back to sleep, hoping to shed light on what the meaning of the dream was. But nothing was revealed as she meditated, so she got up. Sitting on the edge of the bed, she moved the drapes to look out. It was overcast and a little gray. “Oh, please, let the weather be nice for the day.” They were expecting almost one hundred people by noon.

“What’s it look like?” Dan mumbled from the other side of the bed.

“Cloudy,” she replied. “This is the last time. If we’re still together, I am asking you to hold me to it. The world-famous Memorial Day picnic will be no more.”

“You’ll change your mind next year,” Dan said, sitting up. “And what do you mean,
if we’re still together.
Of course, we’ll still be together. And you’ll have a picnic next year.”

“Like heck I will,” Pam said. “Next year, I want to be working on the farm. I’ve always wanted to plant vegetables. Now’s my chance.”

“You don’t need to devote every waking minute to it,” Dan said. “You can have a garden
and
a party. Those two things aren’t mutually exclusive.”

“Ugh.”

“Besides, my sisters would never forgive you. Evidently, Agnes’ stature at the hospital has improved since her photo appeared in the
New York Times
Style Section at last year’s party,” Dan said, laughing into his pillow.

“Oh great, now Agnes is a snob,” Pam said, moaning. She wanted to run away and hide and be left alone. “Did you tell Catherine I wanted to work in the kitchen? I’m basing my summer on Lisa and I doing farmworker breakfast.”

“No, I forgot. You can tell her yourself today.” He frowned at her, but kept his back turned. Pam Smith and her daughter would not like serving breakfast at the farm, no matter how altruistic they were feeling. It wasn’t possible. But he didn’t say anything. Agnes would use just the right words.

“Well, I guess I better get up and face the hordes. I don’t smell coffee brewing or bacon frying. I miss my sister most on days like this. My mother, too, before she got old. Nelda was always up getting breakfast together on picnic day.”

“She’s used to being waited on now,” Dan said, stretching. “What can I do to help you?”

“You can mingle,” Pam said, finally moving toward her closet. “I better pull myself together. Sandra and Tom said they’d be here first thing with little Miranda.”

A car honked; Dan looked out the window. “Crap. The band is here already,” he said, pulling sweat pants on. He’d show them the temporary stage set up outside of the veranda. The party was moving forward whether they liked it or not.

Judge Fredrick was among the first guests to arrive, and he and Pam were in the vestibule talking when Dan’s sisters came to the door. The hired butler let them in, and Pam went to greet them.

“I am so glad you’re here,” she said. “I’ve looked forward to visiting with you all week.”

They gave each other pecks on the cheeks, while the women looked around for Dan. Pam didn’t seem aware of the awkward moment of silence, standing with her hands folded, smiling at the pair. They were as unlike as three women could be. Pam had on a pale blue sleeveless linen dress that ended just above the knee, showing her toned calves and arms. Dan’s sisters, both in capris and summer tops, looked at her admiringly. If she could do it, couldn’t they?

“Dan tells me you’re looking for someone to take over the kitchen at the farm,” Pam said.

Catherine squeezed her arm. “That’s right, but hold the thought. I need to use the ladies’ room,” she said, scurrying off to the powder room.

“I think I would love to do it.” Pam continued talking to Agnes. “I love to cook, and my specialty has always been quantity cooking. It’s like I can’t make enough or big enough portions. Since the children have gone, I don’t enjoy it like I used to, but when Dan mentioned the opportunity; I knew right away I wanted to do it.”

Agnes looked at Pam, trying to keep her expression neutral, wishing she didn’t know the woman had AIDS. Although she knew it would be safe to have Pam working in the kitchen, her having AIDS would make a huge difference to Catherine, who wasn’t as broad minded as Agnes was.

“It’s really not a very glamorous job, Pam,” Agnes replied. “I go right to work after we serve, and someone always has a crack to make about me smelling like bacon.”

Dan walked up just then and hugged Agnes as they greeted each other.

He laughed. “I’m not surprised,” he said. “How many pounds do you cook?”

“At least one hundred strips,” she said, hesitating.

Pam smiled. “Wow, that’s a lotta bacon fat,” she said. “But I’m up for it. And I know my daughter is looking forward to helping.”

Agnes didn’t say anything else, but she was in a tizzy. She never,
ever
should’ve said anything to Catherine about Pam’s secret. Dan would be furious with her if he found out. Somehow, she had to corner her sister the second she came out of the bathroom.

But there was no opportunity to get to her before Pam started in again. The woman wasn’t going to give it a rest. “Catherine, I was just telling Agnes that I want to do the farm breakfast for you.”

Catherine looked at her, and then to Agnes and back to Pam. “You’d hate it,” she replied.

Pam laughed out loud. “Dan said the same thing. I think just the opposite; I think that I’d love it. Please let me at least give it a try.”

Catherine was slowly shaking her head. “Out of the question. We couldn’t have
you
cooking in our kitchen.”

Dan caught on right away and flashed a horrible look at Agnes, but Pam was in the dark.

“You probably think I’m not up to the work, but I assure you, I’d make you both very happy. And I’d do it on a volunteer basis.” She didn’t say, “Because I don’t need the money,” but where they were standing, the gorgeous hallway that led to a view of the Atlantic Ocean only money could buy, the implication was clear. Pam couldn’t help it; she was as unfamiliar as possible negotiating a simple farmer’s breakfast.

Catherine’s jaw dropped.

Dan picked up on it and put his hand out. “She doesn’t mean what you think,” he said.

Pam looked from him back to Catherine. “Oh god, I’m so sorry. That is not what I meant! Good lord, no. That sounds so insincere, but I truly mean it.”

Catherine stood up straight and shook her head. “I know what you meant,” she said. “And that’s not my reason for not wanting you to cook. However, I don’t want to talk about it here, and I doubt you want to either.”

Pam was sweet, and even naïve, but she wasn’t stupid. Slowly, the realization came over her that they didn’t want her to cook in their kitchen, not because she wasn’t up to it, or even because she was a snob, but because she had AIDS. It was an issue that she had AIDS. She involuntarily took a step back and gasped. “Dan,” she said, looking at him. The betrayal of his words went straight to her heart. The only thing she could think of was that she had an entire day with a houseful of people, many of them Dan Chua’s friends, fellow attorneys and judges, his family. Despite of it, she was going to tell him to get out of her house. The sisters looked at Dan with remorse; they, in turn, had betrayed him.

He grabbed Pam’s arms in his strong hands. He could feel her muscles flexing, and she pulled away from his grasp as gracefully as she could. His sisters watched it, embarrassed, watched the elegant woman in her beautiful house as she smoothly banished them.

“Get out,” she said softly and, turning to his sisters, said, “You too, please. Get out of my house.”

“Pam, we’re sorry,” Agnes said and, taking Catherine’s hand, quickly left.

“Hear me out,” Dan said. “I can explain to you, I promise.”

“Get out.” She stood rigid, her face set in stone. He went to her room and picked up his wallet and money clip off her dresser, walked out into the hallway, and stopped in front of her again.

“Get out,” she repeated.

The party went by in a fog. Sandra and Tom came with Miranda and Tom’s parents, but they were caught up in the party and talking to everyone so much that Pam’s busyness and preoccupation didn’t bother Sandra until much later. Pam directed the wait staff and chef, got the meal served, champagne toasts all around, entertainment until dusk and then fireworks. She looked like a beautiful statue, unaware of the conversation swirling around her. Gladys Ford got her water and made her a plate, encouraging her to eat, knowing intuitively because she was a woman that something had devastated Pam, but in her naiveté, thought it was what her son, Ed had done. It took another hour, but finally everyone was gone, and only the children, Bernice and Nelda and Ed and Gladys were left in the house. When they were alone in the kitchen nearing midnight, Gladys finally broke down and mentioned it.