The Tao of Pam (4 page)

On the way home from the store, sitting together in the back of a hired car, Ashton told her the story of Jack, his childhood love who’d gone on to marry and have a family while Ashton stayed behind, waiting for him. He’d wasted his life, never having a relationship that amounted to anything. Then by a wonderful coincidence, after Jack’s death, he met Ted. Discovering Ted had a child, they ended up with a ready-made family. However, the trip to Costco exposed the awful, brutal side of Ashton. Witnessing it, Natalie decided that she didn’t want to be his bosom buddy after all, but to stay in touch with Ted, she’d keep her mouth shut to keep the peace. The weekly trips to spend time with the men ended right after that weekend. Never pressuring Natalie for an explanation, Ted didn’t really want to be that involved with her after all, and Ashton already knew the truth behind her refusals.

The unspoken arrangement was they’d get together on behalf of Deborah. Natalie’s aged parents provided a multitude of excuses to refuse invitations from Ashton and Ted. Unless Deborah invited her, her answer to Ashton was usually
no
. Now the prospect of spending the summer with him loomed ahead, and she didn’t want to dwell on it. How could he leave his design firm for three months? She didn’t think to ask what his time frame was, if he was coming for weeks or for months. Deborah didn’t seem to mind, but she wasn’t thrilled either. They couldn’t very well tell him not to come since the place belonged to his husband. “Oh, I thought we were going to be alone,” Deborah said. “And we’re going to need a car while we’re up there regardless of how we arrive. It isn’t exactly Manhattan.”

“Oh well, whatever,” Natalie said as she puttered around her apartment. Two more weeks and she’d be free from school. As it turned out, he planned to spend June at the cabin. Even a whole month with Ashton was better than having to spend one extra hour at work.

***

Ted Dale was counting the days until Ashton left with Natalie. His constant fussing and planning and chatting was driving Ted crazy, but he didn’t want to criticize him so soon before the exodus because of the fear he wouldn’t go if they were fighting. Marriage was difficult. So much had happened; a year after they got married, Ted found out he’d fathered Deborah, and she’d slowly become integral to their life together, providing definition to areas that were formerly blurred. Holidays once spent with friends who had nowhere else to go, who were single or had substance abuse problems or refused to grow up, now revolved around family. Sunday was family day and included outings with Deborah and Zach.

Natalie was a wonderful woman, and Ashton had bonded with her right from the beginning. They flirted unabashedly, sexualizing the most innocent conversations. But a few months later, something happened between them. Ted noticed immediately reluctance on Natalie’s part to get together as often as they had. Not wanting to question her, Ted was getting tired of the continuous interaction anyway. Having her around all weekend was getting to be too much. He had lunch with her during the week, and that was enough. So the relationship leveled off from constant, to special occasion. Ashton was secretive about what happened, avoiding any discussion about it and, after the raucous start to his relationship with Natalie, was proper and quiet when she visited now. Ted watched them, curious, but not enough to inquire. It was nice having the quiet.

On the morning of the Thursday before Pam’s party, Ashton sat at the dining table reading the
New York Times
, looking out the window facing the East River. He could see Roosevelt Island, the tram and the weather. It was projected to be beautiful weather for the next week.

“It wouldn’t dare rain on Mrs. Perfect’s party,” he said with the bitterness clear in his voice.

“What do you care? Stop torturing yourself,” Ted said. He wasn’t used to making his own coffee or breakfast in the morning, unless Ashton was pouting. And he’d been pouting for days over the party. As far as he knew, Ashton had never been invited, and Pam didn’t suspect her husband was having a gay affair until Ashton went to her house and told her so.

“I care because I should be there, that’s why. Sandra Benson is invited. She took more from Pam than I ever did. I know he was thinking of leaving Pam for Sandra. She got his business, too. Why is Pam able to forgive her and embrace her as her best friend, even give her niece to the woman to raise? I was less of a threat; Jack wouldn’t have left Pam for me. Well, that’s obvious.”

Ted knew there was a big piece of the story he was missing, but he was willing to stay in the dark if it helped maintain the peaceful state he had. He decided to halt the inquiry and just be the supportive husband. He could do that much while he waited for Ashton to be gone for the month.

“Well, it must be very difficult for you,” Ted replied.

Ashton looked at him with eyebrows down.
Was Ted being a smart ass?

“It is. Thank you for acknowledging it. Now the question is, what am I going to do all day while everyone that was important in Jack’s life eats and drinks at his expense, except for me?”

***

Not everyone who was important in Jack’s life would be at
the party
. Actually, the only people he’d know besides his family and neighbors were Sandra, business associates and their families. Newcomers would include Dan Chua’s large family. He was the youngest of eight, his sisters closer to Pam’s age. Lisa’s in-laws, the Fords, were arriving for the weekend, and Lisa could hardly wait for Mrs. Ford to take over Megan’s care. She was the most wonderful mother-in-law, able to move beyond her disappointment that her son left the priesthood and married a girl five years younger than he was. But Megan’s birth changed all of that. Gladys was present in the delivery room and would have moved in with the couple if her husband had allowed it. Now that Ed and Lisa had their own home, she took the bus from Mount Holly as often as they would have her. Pam wasn’t jealous of the love Lisa was showing to Gladys, understanding the importance of another grandparent; there would be fewer demands made of her with Gladys Ford hovering around.

Conveniently, Lisa, Ed and the baby got to the beach Saturday morning with Gladys and Ed Senior arriving right after. Gladys could barely contain her excitement at the anticipation of seeing her granddaughter. Ed was holding Megan, standing near the doorway leading to the veranda, when his mother approached.

“Oh Lord, look at how big she’s gotten!” Gladys said, reaching for her while Big Ed stood aside, waiting his turn. Although the Fords would meet all the guests, they planned on only having eyes for Megan that weekend, giving Lisa and Ed time to be together.

Lisa went back to her old room to put her bathing suit on. Working out to a favorite fitness program, she had her prebaby body back and planned to show it off to Ed every chance she had. After braiding her hair, she gathered suntan lotion and a beach blanket. Ed was waiting for her on the wood walkway, looking out over the water. He liked staying with his mother-in-law because the ocean was right outside. It was peaceful, and he needed peace. The last week of school before vacation was coming up. He hoped he could get his energy back; Lisa told him that she was bored and lonely, so he’d try to pull it together. Energy wasn’t the only thing he lacked. Interest in anything would be wonderful.

“Ed?” He turned to see Lisa, the mother of a sixth-month-old baby, looking fabulous in a bikini, standing behind him. “Let’s get on the beach before there’s no room for us,” she said, laughing. The joke being the beach was deserted. They walked down the wooden path Jack had built for his mother years before. Memories of summers past flooded over Lisa that day. In a few days, the house would be full of people from her childhood. Her grandmothers would be there, her aunts and uncles and cousins, and hopefully, her brother.

Pam hadn’t heard from Brent, and she wasn’t sure of his flight, but was confident he was coming. “He missed last year. I don’t think he’ll miss this one,” she said, hiding her fear that he was ignoring his mother’s invitation.

After the call she’d received from Julie Hsu, she wasn’t sure of anything. “Mrs. Smith, I think you should know you’ve raised a maniac.”

“Who’s calling?” Pam asked.

“It’s Julie!” she replied, yelling. “Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten me already.”

“Of course not,” Pam said, playing dumb. “What’s happened?”

Julie audibly exhaled, crying. “We broke up. He couldn’t have loved me, no matter what I may have thought.”

“Julie,” Pam said softly. “I know you’re upset. It’s understandable after all you gave up moving to Pasadena.”

“That’s not why I’m pissed,” she said, yelling again. “He’s insane. And he told me about his father, so don’t claim one thing doesn’t have anything to do with the other.”

Pam discovered she was holding her breath, letting it out a little at a time. That Brent would be disloyal to Jack overshadowed Brent’s issues in Pam’s troubled mind. Slipping into old ways, hiding her head in the sand, Pam knew she was facing one of the worst nightmares a parent could face. Her omission had harmed her child. For the next several minutes of the phone call, Julie let loose with a barrage of accusations using words and acts Pam had never heard of.

The things Julie said couldn’t be true of Brent. He’d been Pam’s touchstone since infancy. Brent was pure and good. He’d never caused Pam a second of concern during the years he was growing up; she could never understand what other parents meant when they complained about their teenagers.

“Julie, I’m sorry you’re upset, but I don’t believe you.”

“What don’t you believe? That he is an immoral pig? That he’s been on the down-low the entire time we’ve been together, since high school? He admitted it to me!”

Pam had no idea what she meant. The conversation was reminiscent of one she’d had with her sister Marie shortly after Jack died. Marie claimed she’d gotten pregnant by Jack twice. Pam couldn’t believe it. She didn’t want to believe it, so she refused to. Cringing now, remembering that she’d called her a selfish liar, Pam decided to stop the conversation before it took a similar route.

“Julie, let’s stop arguing. I’m sorry my son hurt you. I’m sorry if he did the things you have accused him of doing. But it’s not my fault. I don’t want to hear anymore, because if it’s true, there’s nothing I can do about it anyway.”

Julie hung up on her. The phone rang again as soon as Pam put it down. It was Dan.

“What on earth does
on the down-low
mean,” she asked without saying hello.

Dan gasped. “Who
is
this?” he asked, not knowing he was echoing Pam’s greeting to Julie just minutes before, laughing so loud he snorted. But Pam didn’t think it was funny at all, still seething about Julie’s comments.

“Just answer my question.”

“What was the context?” Dan asked gently.

“Julie said Brent was on the down-low. What does it mean?”
Oh great
, Dan thought.
I either tell her or say I don’t know and she’ll ask someone else, inappropriately.

“It’s a slang term for having a homosexual relationship on the sly,” Dan answered.

Pam gasped.
Not Brent! Nonononono!

“I don’t believe it!” she said passionately. “If my son was gay, he’d live openly. I can’t believe it’s sport for him. Not like Jack.” She hung the phone up without saying good-bye, sliding down the wall with hands over her face, sobbing. “Not Brent, I don’t believe it,” she repeated again. She stayed on the floor for a long while, thinking about Brent. She remembered the day she found out she was pregnant with him, her firstborn. When Jack finished his master’s thesis, he made it his duty to impregnate her. He’d come home at lunch and they’d have wild sex in daylight, and he always made sure she had an orgasm. “We want my boys to get pushed up as far as possible into that sexy body of yours,” he said, laughing. He’d take her by the ankles and pull her legs up in the air while she screamed, laughing.

“Jack! I don’t think this is necessary,” she said, coaxing him to put her down. She’d never been with anyone else but Jack, so what they did together in bed was special. It was never boring, never routine. At least not as far as Pam was concerned. She thought their romance was wonderful. And she thought he must feel the same way. Why else would he be after her for another shot at it all the time? How was it possible that he would leave her and drive across town to have sex with Ashton? When she found out the truth, that he was like a wild man going from her bed to the next one, it almost killed her. The week after Ashton’s confrontation in Costco she spent in seclusion, with Jeff Babcock making sure she was eating and drinking, making excuses for her to Dan. Their relationship was too new to tell him the horrible secrets. But now she didn’t want to think about Jack. She wanted to remember Brent.

Being pregnant was so wonderful; she couldn’t believe she had life, life Jack placed within her, growing inside of her body. Everyone said she glowed. Even Nelda, Pam’s most severe critic couldn’t get over it. “If it’s possible, our Pammy looks better than she ever has. There must be something special about the child she’s carrying.” Pam’s grandmother, Frank Fabian’s mother, Genoa, was concerned, old country superstitions clouding her usual common sense.

“Don’t speak like that in the open air daughter-in-law. It’s bad luck.” Maybe it was. Who would’ve thought that sweet little boy who grew into a loving and well-behaved teen would become what Pam thought could be a clone of his father, if everything Julie said was true.
Is it too late for Brent? Could he have some kind of intervention?

She pulled herself up off the floor. He was going to come home for the picnic. She would have a plan in place to confront him. Going into the hall bathroom, she looked in the mirror. Examining her face, she had a moment of regret regarding the face-lift.
Who was she trying to kid? She looked like a fifty-plus woman with a recent face-lift.
She took a length of toilet paper off the roll and blew her nose. Recently, she’d had anxiety attacks where she would feel physically ill when she was worried about something out of her control. She’d tried to reason with herself, and the only rational that would work would be to say she was just going to feel this way until she didn’t feel this way anymore. She’d go to the gym and run on the treadmill. Once, the same day Ashton had visited her after Jack’s death, she went to the gym to work off her anger, and a trainer had come over to her and mouthed, “Take it easy, lady, you’re going to kill yourself.” But it was the only way she knew to work out these feelings. Run herself to death or die of a broken heart. It was easier to run.