The Tao Of Sex (15 page)

He walked without jarring her, his steps small glides to his bed where he set her down carefully. He dared not dry her body for fear of disrupting the trance, so he wrapped her in his sheets. He peered at her face, alert for signs of distress. None. Her eyes beneath her lids were in the steady left and right motion of deepest trance.

Without turning away, he grabbed a pair of shorts and pulled them on. He was cold. His shirt was wet where it plastered against his skin, but he didn’t want to abandon her even for that short moment to change. So he knelt down on the floor beside her, watching and waiting in silent awe.

It took twenty minutes before he noticed that his knees were numb. His back began to ache soon afterward. Then awe slipped away into other thoughts. That was when it hit him. That was when Nathan realized what he had done.

He’d convinced himself that she could resist the call of a tigress. He’d told himself that they could be friends, sharing their time together outside of her sexual needs. But all he had done was let down his guard. Tracy had no understanding of how a tigress called unconsciously to a man. It was in her energy, and it slipped into a man’s soul and led him along until it could pounce.

Her shower had gone on too long. He had begun to worry and had pushed open the bathroom door to see if she was okay. That was all it took. One look at her sleek, wet body and he was lost. Perhaps he could have resisted. He had told himself to step away, to back into his living room though the vision of her beneath the shower had already branded itself in his mind. He’d even learned from years in a tigress temple that sometimes a man simply had to stimulate himself or lose his mind when surrounded by so many gorgeous women. He could do that alone and never risk a deeper connection with Tracy.

But then she had begun to soap herself. Her one leg extended as her hands slipped up and over her calf, her knee, until…He could not resist that sight. He had to watch. He didn’t even remember opening his pants. All he knew was a desperate hunger for her.

Then the tigress had pounced. She had slammed open the curtain and taken what she needed from him. He could not resist Tracy. And so she had taken his seed and his yang power. And he had stroked her until she’d soared to heaven—heaven!

She would abandon him now. Once a tigress danced with the divine, the men became nothing more than a source of power for their next journey. Yang seed as jet fuel. The man was a means to an end.

That was why he’d left the temple never to return. He was done with being used. But then he had met Tracy and given in again. He didn’t regret her ascent, only the result. There was no hope for them now. She would abandon him. What woman—what person—would ever choose the mundane over the divine? No one. And of all people, Tracy deserved to walk among angels.

He leaned forward, touching her belly with the lightest of strokes. She was still contracting, still deep in her trance.

But it had happened so fast! And she was untrained! He’d never heard of such a thing before, never heard of anyone ascending until after years of study. He couldn’t understand how this had happened. Unless…He shook his head, his eyes going to her core. Could it be? Could Tracy be a virgin? It was the only possible explanation for abilities so early in her training.

The reasons didn’t truly matter. It had happened. She was a full tigress now. He sat back on his heels, watching over her tigress play. But in the darkness, he remembered his many rejections by other tigresses. Bit by bit, his heart hardened. It was time, he decided, to be done with all tigresses.

TRACY BLINKED HER EYES and wondered where she was. It was heavy here. And cold. She closed her eyes again. No, wait, they’d never really been open. She missed where she’d been. It was…It had been…Where was it?

She forced her eyes open, needing to orient herself. She saw Nathan. His gaze was trained on her, and for a moment he was suffused with such light that she blinked. Then it was gone. He was simply a man again. A beautiful man of smooth skin and serious dark eyes. He wore a wrinkled shirt that looked as if it had gotten soaked then dried on his body. She couldn’t see farther down because he was kneeling beside her—beside the bed—his gaze incredibly intent on her face.

“Don’t try to move yet,” he said. His voice grounded her. “You have been in the divine realm. Try to hold on to what details you can. They will fade quickly.”

“You looked…You were light and love and kindness.” She smiled. “Mom always said to find a kind man.” She blinked only to discover that her eyes were already closed. So she opened them again. “Now you just look sad.”

“Tell me what you remember.”

She felt his hand, large and strong, surrounding hers on the sheet. She wanted to twist her wrist to touch him back, but couldn’t force herself to do it. So she sighed happily and allowed his heat to sink into her.

“Tracy? Are you in pain? Are you hurt?”

She frowned, trying to put meaning to his words. “Pain” had no reference in her mind. Other things reigned in her thoughts. “Lights,” she murmured as her eyes drifted shut. “Lights in harmony. They tasted like music.” She tried to float back to that special place. “I was love, Nathan. Pure, divine love.” How she ached to go back there.

“Were the lights swinging?” he asked. His voice was low, the texture to it velvety rough. Not that velvet was rough, but compared to what she’d been listening to, his voice was different—like granite compared to glass. And yet, she found she liked his voice, liked the weight of his hand on hers, liked everything about his presence right beside her.

With Herculean effort, she turned her hand over so she could touch him palm to palm. “Talk to me some more,” she said. “Tell me about where I’ve been. Tell me how to go back.”

She felt his other hand on her cheek, stroking gently. She gasped at his touch, but then released the breath on a sigh. Another point of warmth. Another place on her body that remembered who and where she was. She let the weight of her head press her cheek into his caress.

“I don’t know where you’ve been,” he said. “I’ve never gone.”

“You were there.” She opened her eyes. It was easy now. “I saw you and wanted to be with you.”

He smiled, the expression so tender it nearly broke her heart. “And so you came back here. Where I am.”

“No…” she said. “Maybe.” Her eyes drifted shut again. “I don’t know.”

“I wasn’t there, but you were. What did you see?”

“It was so fast. Thirty seconds, maybe a minute.”

“You were there for nearly two hours.”

She opened her eyes again and focused on the ceiling. It was shadowed and dark, and she saw nothing. “A minute, maybe a little more.”

“Time in the divine realm flows differently. Or not at all. The texts are unclear.”

“It was so perfect.” Then she looked around. Her awareness of this place was returning. She was naked in his bed and wrapped in wet sheets. “I was in the shower. I was trying to seduce you.”

“It worked,” he said. “I couldn’t keep my hands off of you.”

She smiled. “It did work.”

“Then you ascended to the antechamber. Not quite heaven but close. We call it the Chamber of a Thousand Swinging Lanterns.”

Tracy lifted her head. “I remember the lights. The sound was love. How can sound be love?” It didn’t make sense, but she knew it was true. There was love. Here was cold and noise and loneliness. “I want to go back.”

“It is the gateway. No novice has ever been so blessed. Never before, ” he emphasized. “I’ve been trying to think of why it happened—” He cut off his words, obviously stopping himself before saying something. Then she felt a swift chaste kiss on her lips. She would have deepened it, but Nathan gave her no chance. “You should rest more before moving around. Ascension takes a great deal out of a body. I will get you some of your excellent meat loaf if you think you can eat.”

Meat? She grimaced. Too heavy.

“Tea, then,” he said. “It will settle your energies without weighing too much.”

So he left her side to wait upon her. She watched him go, trying to remember what it was she was doing, what she wanted, and why she was here. Not here in his apartment, but here in the world. She had no answers and wasn’t even sure of the questions. In truth, she felt like formless potential without direction or purpose. Until he returned with her tea.

He helped her sit up, and once he touched her, all became easier. With his assistance, she unwrapped the wet sheet, opening up to the air as she settled against the headboard. Her breasts bobbed as she moved, and the room felt very cool on her bare skin, but those thoughts scattered when he pressed a steaming mug into her hands.

Tracy inhaled deeply, trying to draw the steam into her body. But what she felt most were Nathan’s hands around hers, his breath as it touched her forehead, and the sight of his large toes. She was looking down at the mug when she saw his lower half. First the long basketball shorts in Illini-orange, lean shins with well-formed calves, and then his solid feet and manly toes. Yes, manly toes. The toes were broad; the nails were blunt, and there was absolutely no hair anywhere that she could see.

She blinked, startled at what she was noticing, what she had never seen until now. She lifted her gaze to his. “Can I go back there again?”

He stiffened. She might not have noticed but she was watching him closely. “Drink.”

She did, but she never broke eye contact. In the next apartment, Nathan’s neighbor switched on his television. Tracy winced and her mind kicked into gear. She began thinking about the cost and time it would take to soundproof the wall. “It’s noisy here,” she murmured. “It was so quiet there.” She huffed in disgust. “The details are fading.”

He sat back on his heels, watching her with guarded eyes. She sipped her tea and struggled with her memory.

“Tracy, are you a virgin?”

She gaped at him, unable to understand his words. “What?”

“Have you ever had a man penetrate you? It’s the only explanation why it happened so fast, so early in your training. A virgin’s energies are stronger, more pure.”

Any residual heavenly glow faded. She became well and truly grounded here. Instead of answering, she shifted her legs off the bed. “I’m going to get dressed now.”

“You need to rest. Many tigresses remain in bed for days after ascending.”

She didn’t even dignify that with an answer. Instead, she pushed to her feet, pleased when she made it with only a tiny case of the dizzies.

He held her by the elbow to steady her, and she didn’t throw him off. She was too busy smelling the sweet warm scent of him. God, she liked his smell.

“Please, Tracy, answer the question. It’s important.”

She opened her eyes and grimaced at him. “My hymen is not intact. Happy?”

He shook his head. “A man, Tracy. Has a man ever penetrated you?”

She stared at him. It was ridiculous to feel embarrassed about this, but she was. Unfortunately, there was no compromise in his tone or expression. “I’ve been Joey’s mom since I was eighteen. It’s not so odd.”

His free hand touched her face, and she was startled to realize that he trembled. “You are the rarest of the rare. Your tigress is awake, Tracy, and you are still untouched by a man. No wonder you can travel to the immortal realm.”

“You’ve touched me.” She jerked her arm out of his grip.

“Yes, and I probably should not have. I probably weakened—”

It was abruptly too much for her. This place was too confusing, too hard, and she hated it. “Stop it! Just stop it!” she screeched. “I don’t get you, Nathan. You push me away, you bring me close. You touch me and I go amazing places, and then you say we shouldn’t have.” She pressed her hands to her head. “I don’t understand any of this!”

“Calm down,” he said, his voice low enough to be soothing. “The texts say that a return from heaven is unsettling to even the most experienced tigress. She wants to return to heaven, and yet she is stuck on Earth. It tends to create anger and fury.”

She dropped her hands and glared at him. “I am angry at you. It has nothing to do with…with…that other place.” Except maybe he was right. Everything there had made sense. Everything was love. Here was confusion and separation. “I am so alone,” she whispered.

He closed the distance between them in a heartbeat. His arms came around her, and she was once again enfolded in his warmth. She hated herself for closing her eyes, for leaning into his strength, but she needed it deep in her core.

“You should rest,” he murmured against her hair. She stiffened and shook her head.

“I don’t need to sleep.” She needed the world to make sense. She needed him to make sense, but that was too far a stretch. “I think I should go home.” At least there she could think. Maybe even remember.

Nathan sighed. “I will drive you. I will even remember to drive on the right side of the road.”

She nodded. She wasn’t in any condition to drive herself. With his help, she managed to dress with some semblance of her dignity. He was unfailingly kind, reverent even, and though his tender care of her was certainly nice, she wondered what had happened to her ardent lover.

“I don’t like it when you treat me with awe,” she said as they made it to her truck. “I’m just a person.”

He didn’t respond. Apparently he needed all his concentration to stay on the right side of the road. By the time he’d escorted her inside her house and up the stairs, she’d given up all hope for an answer. But then he stopped just inside her bedroom door.