The Teacher from Heck (7 page)

A few nights later I lay in bed, thinking…thinking. I was desperate now. I knew none of us could survive much longer.

Through my open window, I could hear my poor dog, Gassy, out in the cold. Coughing his head off from all that fresh air.

And what was that other alarming sound? It was my stomach growling, from eating only tree bark. Tree bark three times a day.
Raw
—not even cooked!

My stomach rumbled and grumbled. Every muscle in my body ached from two hours of drill practice
every morning. My head ached, too, from four hours of homework.

And there was no time to get our revenge on Sherman Oaks. He was still bragging to everyone that he'd won the Water War.

This had to stop. Skruloose had to go.

Okay, dudes. Plan C.

Headmaster Upchuck has a tiny, red brick house next to the School House. He and his wife live upstairs. His office is downstairs.

The next morning I made my way to Upchuck's house. Could I talk him into getting rid of Skruloose? I had to try.

“
My door is always open.
”

That's what Headmaster Upchuck always says. “If you have a problem, come see me. My door is always open.”

So I walked up to the white front door. Sure enough, a sign above the door read: MY DOOR IS ALWAYS OPEN.

I tried the doorknob and pushed. Then I pulled.

The door was locked.

I read the sign again. I knocked on the door, softly
at first, then with pounding fists.

“Who's there?” Headmaster Upchuck called.

I saw an eye peek out of the little, round peephole. Then I heard him groan. “Oh, no. Please tell me it isn't
you
again!”

“Yes, it's me. Good morning, sir,” I said brightly. “May I come in?”

A long silence. Then he said, “Would you believe there's no one here?”

“No,” I said. “I see your eye peeping out at me. And I can hear you.”

“Oh. Okay. Well…can you slip it under the door, Bernie?”

“No, sir. I need to talk to you, sir,” I said. “If you could open the door…?”

“I put a lot of locks on the door, Bernie,” he said. “You know. To keep you out in case you ever came back here.”

“Well, I'm back, sir,” I said. “I'd love to see your handsome face again. It always inspires me, sir. And I need to talk to you about something important.”

“I was afraid of that,” Headmaster Upchuck said.
“What if I
begged
you to go away, Bernie? Would that work?”

“No, sir,” I said.

The Headmaster's eye disappeared from the peephole. Then I heard
click-click-click
. The sound of twenty locks being unlocked.

The door swung open. I gazed down at the little guy.

“Thank you, sir,” I said. “You're looking good today. Is that a new sweater? I like it! They have some great new styles in the little boys' department—don't they? I won't take up your time, sir. I just have a quick question.”

The Headmaster sighed. “The last time you had a ‘quick question', it cost me a fortune. I had to build a hot tub for the boys in your dorm.”

“They were desperate, sir,” I replied. “They couldn't relax without it, sir. It saved their lives. We're so grateful. We named it after you, sir. The Upchuck Tub.”

Upchuck shook his head. He was speechless.

“May I come in, sir?” I asked.

“No, Bernie. Stand back,” he said. “You can't see
it, but I put an electric fence across the doorway. To keep you out. Take two steps forward, and you'll be
fried
.”

“I see, sir. Very clever,” I said. “Well, perhaps I could talk to you right here. You see, it's about Mr. Skruloose, sir.”

The Headmaster clenched his teeth. “What about him?”

“He's treating us like soldiers, sir,” I said. “He's cruel. He's heartless. He's a maniac.”

Headmaster Upchuck smiled. “He
is
?”

“Yes, sir. He makes us march for two hours every morning. He makes us run laps around the dorm. He makes us do push-ups in class. He feeds us nothing but tree bark!”

Upchuck burst out laughing. “That's
wonderful
!” he cried. He jumped up and down happily. “Wonderful news. The man knows how to do his job! He's a genius! Thanks for brightening my day, Bernie!”

“Yes, sir!” I said, and I gave the Headmaster a salute. “We love it, sir. It's just what we need!”

“Huh?” Upchuck's smile vanished. His whole body sank.

“We need the discipline, sir,” I said. “We need the hard work. We
love
having a teacher who whips us into shape!”

Upchuck's tiny eyes bulged. “You…you DO? You
love
it?”

“Please don't ever take him away from us, sir,” I said. “We need him, sir. The guys all love him. If you brought Mrs. Heinie back, it would be a punishment. A terrible punishment.”

Upchuck rubbed his chin. I could see he was thinking hard. “It would be a punishment?” he asked. “Really?”

“Really,” I said. “A terrible punishment.”

“Thanks for telling me, Bernie.” He closed the door in my face. I could hear him chuckling through the door. I recognized that evil chuckle.

“Yes!” I whispered, pumping my fists into the air. “Yesss! Bernie B., you're still a genius!”

I hurried back to Rotten House. Feenman and Crench were finishing breakfast.

“Want some tree bark, Bernie?” Crench asked. “I saved you some soft pieces.”

“Forget the tree bark,” I said. “We'll all be eating
peanut-butter pie again real soon.” I grinned my famous grin at them. “Check your watches, dudes. Trust your leader. Life will be sweet again by tomorrow morning!”

Mr. Skruloose barked out the rhythm as he marched us across the field. “Stand up straight, soldiers! We had to march in total darkness. The sun wasn't up yet. My stomach growled. My legs ached. But I was happy. I had a smile on my face.

I kept checking my watch. I knew what would happen next.

And, yes, here he came. Headmaster Upchuck, trotting across the grass, his gray suit jacket flapping behind him.

“Soldiers, halt!” Mr. Skruloose shouted as the Headmaster ran up to us. We all stopped, breathing hard, drenched in sweat.

Upchuck saluted Mr. Skruloose. Then he turned to us. “Boys, I have sad news,” Upchuck said.

I stepped forward. “Sir, may we keep marching?” I said. “We love to march. Marching for two hours is the best part of our day.”

Skruloose picked me up and dropped me back with the other guys. “Be quiet, Bridges,” he said. “Let the Headmaster get a word in.”

“Of course, sir,” I said, saluting. “See, Headmaster Upchuck? See how we love it when Mr. Skruloose gives us orders? Do you think maybe we could march for
three
hours today?”

Upchuck cleared his throat and pulled himself up to his full three-foot height. “Sorry, boys. Bad news. Mr. Skruloose is too good to be wasted on you
Rotten House bums.”

“Yes, he's brilliant, sir,” I said. “That's why we need him. That's why we'd follow him anywhere.” I saluted again.

Upchuck turned to me. “Thank you, Bernie, for telling me how brilliant Mr. Skruloose is. Because of that, I'm taking him
away
from Rotten House—and from the fourth grade. And I'm naming him
Assistant Headmaster
!”

Whoa. I hadn't planned on that. But, okay. As long as Skruloose was out of Rotten House…

I had to make sure. I dropped to my knees and started to beg. “Please, sir, don't take him away from us. We don't want him to leave.”

Upchuck chuckled. “If
you
want him, Bernie, I have no choice. Say good-bye to him.”

“Good-bye!” we all shouted at once.

Mr. Skruloose gave us a long salute. “Keep eating that tree bark, soldiers,” he said. “You look tougher already. I'll miss you guys.”

He started walking away with Headmaster Upchuck.

“We won't forget you, sir,” I called. “Can we help
you pack your bags? We know you'll want to hurry—won't you, sir?”

We didn't start celebrating—laughing and cheering and high-fiving and slapping knuckles and hooting and rolling around on the grass—until the two of them were out of sight.

The next morning I awoke with a smile. Sunlight poured through my window. Belzer came in humming, carrying my breakfast tray.

“I didn't know if you wanted eggs or French toast,” he said.

“Just put the eggs on
top
of the French toast,” I said. “Pour the syrup on gently…gently. Just a drizzle. Did you take the pulp out of my orange juice?”

“Of course,” he said. “I strained it twice, and I drank half of it—just to make sure.” He set the tray on my lap.

“A beautiful day!” I said. “No marching. No tree bark.”

I hugged Gassy. He was tucked under the covers next to me. I slipped him a slice of bacon. He burped in my face—his cute way of saying thanks.

Feenman and Crench came bursting in. Feenman made a grab for my French toast. I had to stab him with my fork to keep him away.

“How great is this?” Crench cried. “No more tree bark. Skruloose is gone, and everything is back to normal!”

I handed the tray to Belzer and climbed out of bed. “One more thing to do,” I said. “Finish the Water War.”

“Huh? Finish it?” Crench said.

“I invited Sherman over here,” I said. “To congratulate him on his victory.”

They stared at me. “Bernie, have you totally lost it?” Feenman asked.

“Sherman's victory will last until he reaches the eighth step,” I said. “I rigged up the water balloon in the ceiling again. When he reaches the eighth step, I pull the rope. Sploosh. Sherman sinks under ten
gallons of cold water. We win—big-time.”

“Brilliant!” Belzer said. “Then everything
will
be back to normal!”

I heard footsteps from downstairs. “He's here!” I whispered. “Feenman—quick. Get your camera. I want to e-mail this photo to everyone in school!”

Feenman disappeared into his room. The rest of us hurried out into the hall. I leaned over the banister and gazed down the stairs. “Shh. Quiet, dudes. Here he comes.”

Feenman raised his camera.

“Wait for it. Wait for it….” I whispered.

I grabbed the rope. I counted and listened to Sherman's heavy shoes clomp up the stairs.

“Wait for it…wait…NOW!”

I tugged the rope hard. The camera flashed.

I heard a startled scream. The splash of cold water.

He hit the floor. He made a choked sound.

“YESSS!” I cried, jumping up and down. “Yesss! A direct hit! Bull's-eye!”

My buddies jumped to their feet, cheering, clapping, and laughing their heads off.

We all touched knuckles. Then we did the secret Rotten House Handshake.

I heard the gurgling sound again.

I turned and gazed down the stairwell.

“Uh-oh—!” I gasped in horror. Then I gasped again.

“Mrs. Heinie?” I called. “Mrs. Heinie? You're back? Welcome back, Mrs. Heinie. What a surprise. I can explain! Really! I can explain!”