The Tome of Bill Compendium Vol. 1 (Books 1-4) (56 page)

Wait, it seemed familiar because it
was
familiar, as in I had been here just a few short hours ago.

“Are we at the loft?” I asked Sally.

“Looks like it.”

“I guess the question is, why?”

“Christy,” said Tom.

“What?”

“Christy...you know, my girlfriend? The one I
tried
to tell you about earlier when you just blew me off.”

“What about her?” I asked. “You said she was a bitch or something.”

“I said she was a
witch
.”

“Aren’t all women?” slurred Ed.

I ignored that and asked, “So why do you think she’s a witch?”

“Well, for starters she told me,” Tom said. “Secondly...” he looked around at us all, “Duh!”

“Point taken,” I conceded. “Sally, what do you know about witches?”

“They like ruby slippers?”

“Not particularly helpful.”

“Sorry. What do you want me to say? I’ve never met one aside from a few of those Wiccan hippies. All I know are stories.”

“Well, since we all seem to be gathered ‘round the campfire, why don’t you tell us one?”

“I don’t know much,” she replied. “Supposedly we’ve tangled with them in the past. But we’re talking
King Arthur and Knights of the Round Table
timeframes here.”

“I guess the question then is, why is one tangling with us now? How would she even know we’re vampires?”

At that, Tom made a slight coughing noise.

“What the hell did you do, dipshit?” Sally hissed at him.

“I might have kind of told her Bill was a vampire,” he replied sheepishly.

“Kind of?”

“Well, she seemed to already suspect it...no idea how, but I guess she needed me to confirm it.”

I gritted my teeth. “And you did?”

“Dude, sorry. I didn’t think anything of it, and she can do these things with her mouth that would just cause you to lose your fucking mind.”

“It’s so nice to know that the
secret
of vampires existing is up for grabs to the first bimbo who gives you a blowjob,” snarled Sally.

“If it helps, it was a really good blowjob.”

“It doesn’t!” she replied in a tone that said she’d gladly break my ‘no killing the roommates’ rule had she been able to. Right at that moment, I might have even been tempted to let her. Still, that wouldn’t exactly get us out of this mess.

“Okay, enough! What’s done is done,” I Interrupted. “Tom, I accepted the fact that you’re a fucking dumbass years ago. I guess I can’t fault you for being you.”

“I can,” said Sally.

“Save it for later,” I snapped.

“You know,” Tom said, trying to change the subject. “It’s kind of weird?”

“What is? I can think of about fifty weird things right now off the top of my head.”

“Well, think about it,” he continued. “Six months ago, if someone had told us they’d seen a ghost, we’d have laughed our asses off at them. But today...well, have you noticed how lately we can’t take a crap without running into some creature straight out of a fairy tale?”

“Come to think of it, I guess you’re right. That is a bit weird,” I replied. “However, it’s not really too relevant to our situation. For now, we should probably be wondering why we’re here and why Sally and I can’t move.”

“I can answer that,” said a voice from behind us.

* * *

The owner of the voice stepped in front of us. She was a cute brunette of average height and wearing a simple white dress. She had a pretty nice figure, along with bright blue eyes and what I guessed was at least a C-cup rack. I could see what Tom saw in her.

“Nice to meet you, Christy,” I said dryly.

“Likewise, Bill. I’ve heard
a lot
about you,” she said with a sly smile.

“So I’ve heard,” I threw a glare at Tom.

She smiled at that. “Don’t be mad at him. We’ve been aware of you for a while now. I just needed to confirm our suspicions.”

“
We
?” I asked.

Before she could answer, though, Tom had to jump in and do his best to
help
the situation along. “Are you saying you just used me...like a piece of meat?” He looked thoughtful for a moment, and then added, “I guess I can live with that.”

Christy walked over to him and playfully ruffled his hair. “And who says I’m through using you?” she asked with a wink.

“I don’t suppose you’d mind just killing me now before I throw up in my mouth?” Sally commented.

Tom ignored her outburst and said to Christy, “Sorry, babe. As much as I like being used in that way, it’s not cool when you mess with my buds. I’m thinking that might put a damper on our relationship...as in welcome to Dumpsville, population you.”

She gave him a pouty look in return, but didn’t remove her hand from his head. “Well then, lover, it’s a good thing you won’t remember any of this.”

She started chanting under her breath. It was low, but it had an odd echo to it, almost as if she were hooked up to an amp set to reverb. Within a few seconds, the hand on Tom’s head actually started to glow in a yellow light. His body convulsed once, and then his eyes glazed over and closed.

I was too stunned to speak for a second. Fortunately, Sally managed to blurt out what I should have. “What the fuck did you do to him?”

“Nothing much,” the witch replied. “Just erased the last four hours from his memories and sent him off to LaLa land for a while.”

“Guess that answers the question of whether you’re good witch or a bad witch,” snapped Sally.

I finally found my voice. “Are you sure he’s okay? Because if he’s not...”

“Don’t worry, my dear Freewill,” she answered. “We have no quarrel with him.”

“There’s that
we
word again.”

“Me and my coven,” she answered.

“You do know you guys stole that one from us, right?” I shot back.

I heard the door click open behind us, and then a new voice answered my question, “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.” This one I recognized.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” I said as the newcomer walked in.

Christy bowed as he entered view. “Master, I have done as told.”

“And you shall be rewarded, my child,” said Harry Decker, stepping in front of me. He gave Christy a loving caress on her cheek before turning to face me.

“Son of a bitch,” I exhaled.

He in turn replied, “I bet you’re wishing right now that you hadn’t ruined my night.”

* * *

“So let me get this straight, you’re a witch, too?”

“
Wizard
,” he corrected. “Women are witches, men are wizards.”

“And either way, you’re still an asshole. Although I guess that explains how you were able to hang on to that cushy job without doing dick.”

“No. That’s just knowing how to play corporate politics. No magic necessary. You might want to consider learning a few lessons there yourself,” he jabbed back.

“So what is all this?” I asked, gesturing around as best I could.

“This is what must be done,” he answered cryptically.

“Please don’t tell me that all of this is because Bill sent you home tonight with a giant case of the blue balls,” chimed Sally.

“Don’t be absurd, woman,” Decker replied. “That little trollop (
oh yeah, those are fighting words
) is meaningless to me. But I knew if word got out that I was courting her, Mr. Ryder here would have to respond in some way.” He turned back to me and continued, “And in case you’re wondering, no magic was needed for that either. The whole office is more than aware of your pathetic little case of puppy love.”

“The
whole
office?” I asked.

“You might as well wear a sandwich board with it written in block letters,” he sneered. “As it were, it turns out tonight was just a fortuitous coincidence that allowed me to accelerate my plans. It is as if fate itself has delivered you unto me.”

Gan’s eyes suddenly opened. “You should have let me kill him,” she said, her tone implying she had been listening in on things. “I told you his kind would not be missed.”

My mouth dropped open. “You knew he was a wizard, Gan?”

“Of course,” she replied. “You did not?”

“Gan, if we get out of this, we need to have a little talk about this thing called assuming.”

Decker interrupted, “It’s safe to say that you won’t be having that conversation.”

Gan merely bared her fangs at that and replied, “In that, you are wrong, wizard.”

* * *

Gan began to flex against her...whatever it was that was holding her in place. After a few seconds, flashes began flaring up and down her arms as she encountered the same resistance I had. Decker and Christy both smiled smugly as the smell of burning flesh began to permeate the room; however, those smiles began to crumble as Gan continued her assault, heedless of the fact that she was rapidly starting to turn all crispy. I have to say I was impressed...and a little dismayed that I was being shown up by someone who looked like a sixth grader.

“You cannot escape. Those are bonds of faith,” spat Decker, but there was worry behind his voice.

“Then...perhaps...” Gan said, continuing to struggle, “you...need... stronger...faith.” and with that, there was a flash of light - and suddenly she was standing on her feet. She looked like five miles of bad road, but an experienced vampire can take a lot of abuse before going down. Gan was apparently no exception to that.

She snarled and leapt at Decker to finish the job that, in hindsight, maybe I should have allowed her to do in the first place. As she did, I made a mental note to have a conversation with Sally about her lousy timing regarding humanity speeches.

Decker appeared to be caught completely surprised by the attack, but his pet witch, Christy, was not. She screamed, “Master!” and threw up her hands in a warding gesture. Whatever it was, it managed to snag Gan in mid-air just centimeters away from connecting with her target.

Gan struggled against it, but the witch made another gesture, barked something inarticulate, and suddenly Gan was no longer there.

“Gan!” I yelled as Christy slumped to the floor, apparently drained from the effort.

“What the hell did you do to her?” Sally snarled.

Decker ignored us and went to Christy’s side to help her up.

She looked semi-stunned by whatever she had just done, but she managed to pant, “Forgive me, master. I only had time to send the child beast back.”

“Back? Back
where
?” I snapped.

“Fear not, Mr. Ryder,” Decker turned back toward me. “Your little pet isn’t harmed. My assistant merely reversed the spell that brought you all here. She’s back in your apartment, safe, but in no position to cause us further interruption.”

I let out a sigh of relief. Psycho or not, I felt a responsibility for Gan. There was also the fact that her getting dusted on my watch would most likely put the kibosh on any chance of talking the assassins out of killing me.

“Speaking of which,” Sally spoke up. “Why the hell are we here? What, you didn’t think Bill’s apartment was creepy enough for you guys? Trust me, I’ve seen it. It is.”

Decker turned and answered in a slow voice, “Because this is where it all began.”

* * *

“Not following you,” Sally replied.

“This is where the Freewill was born, you simpleton of a slut,” he spat back at her. Before she could open her mouth to reply, he continued, “Yes, we
know
. We’ve been aware of your coven and your kind for a
long
time. We’ve been watching you.”

“So now you’re a voyeur in addition to being an asshole?” she shot back. Go, Sally! I could see what she was trying to do. It was
Superhero 101
: piss off the villain until he started monologuing all about his grand scheme. Once he’s distracted by his own delusions of grandeur, then *WHAM* - we bust out and take him down. I just wasn’t sure how that last part was going to play itself out yet. Hopefully, it wasn’t with “and now you know my plan so... *ZAP*” Fortunately for me, Sally was playing a game that I was qualified to be in the pro leagues for.

“Yo, Decker,” I said. “I have a question for you.”

“Yes, Freewill?” he replied with a sly grin. “How may I enlighten you?”

“Something that’s been bugging me. What the fuck is up with wizards named Harry?” He looked confused, so I continued. “I mean, seriously, it seems like every freaking wizard I’ve heard of lately has been named Harry. There’s you,
Harry Potter
,
Harry Dresden
, Harry Houdini...”

“I don’t think that last one was a real wizard,” commented Sally.

“Actually, he was,” Christy replied.

“See!?” I said. “Do wizard mommies just have zero in the way of creativity, or is there something mystical about having a name that probably earned you multiple ass-kickings on the playground?”

“What does that have to do with anything?” Decker angrily asked.

“Listen, dude, I’ve played Dungeons and Dragons for the better part of a decade. I’ve run at least a dozen wizards...not a single Harry amongst them.”

“This is irrelevant.”

“Zoltar the Arcane...now there was a name for a wizard. And let’s not forget about my fifteenth level gnome mage, Professor Blastingus...”

“Enough!” roared Decker. “I tire of your games, vampire.”

“There was also Magnifico the Merciless, although I’m not so proud of that one...”

I was stopped as Harry grabbed me by the chin and moved his face to within inches of mine. “Do you want to know why you are going to die, or not?”

“Sure, as long as you pop a breath mint first.” This was going swimmingly...at least as long as he didn’t follow through with the killing me part.

“Six months ago, the portents all spoke of your coming.” He backed up and began ranting. “The return of the vampire Freewills, who so long ago were wiped from the Earth.”