The Torn Up Marriage (18 page)

Kate couldn’t help but smile.

“Right, well enough of the serious stuff,” Mel resumed, “Let’s join Usain Bolt and the others outside.”

Mel poured herself a glass of white and they headed out to the broken sunshine and wafts of barbecue smoke. Kev’s brother and his family arrived soon after with their two young boys. The group of adults were starting to get merry out the back on bottles of lager, voices and laughter getting louder. After nipping to the kitchen to prepare a couple of salad dishes, Kate and Mel rejoined the party. It wasn’t glorious weather, a little cloudy and windy, but it was still warm. Kate relaxed, enjoying the buzz of the family barbecue, chatting to people who didn’t know too much of her background, playing kick-about football with the boys later on – a GB-versus-Brazil final, apparently, and got splashed and water-pistolled by the kids in the paddling pool. She had a burger and a chicken piece, more than she’d eaten in ages. By seven pm she was crashed out on Mel’s sofa with a cup of tea. She’d limited her alcohol to just two glasses of wine and then had a diet coke. She could do it. It was all fine. Where was the problem? She didn’t have to drink alcohol to enjoy herself.

Mind you, it wasn’t the “enjoying herself” times that were the problem.

As she turned her key in the lock of her own front door an hour later, her heart began to sink. In the kitchen the fridge called to her. She knew there was a bottle of Pinot Grigio in there, chilled and ready to go. As she went to open the fridge door, she spotted the magnet from the girls’ night in all those weeks ago: “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.” And she pulled out the plastic carton of milk, to make herself a cup of tea. She put the kettle on and as it boiled she headed for the living room, clearing the empty wine bottle and glass from last night. She took the duvet back upstairs and then carefully put away the photo albums, slipping the image of the four of them back into its place, before shutting them all inside.

Where the hell had the old Kate gone? Would she ever find her again? She felt like a shell of herself. Maybe, all these cocooning duvet times, where she found herself in the depths of gloom, were just times when she was silently growing, reassembling herself for the moment when she would break out, not quite the woman she was before, but changed, developed, ready to face the next stage of her life. She bloody well hoped so.

They were back, the evening shadows following them up the path as they dashed out of the car and into her arms, Michael walking slowly behind them.

“Hi, girls, had a good time?”

“Yep,” Charlotte began, “We went on a boat trip and saw puffins.” “And seals” Emily chipped in. “They were
sooo
cute, Mummy,” Charlotte again, “And Daddy wished you were there, too.” Emily spoke softly.

Kate glanced up, surprised by the comment, caught his eye.

He looked a little awkward, “Wondered why we hadn’t done it before ourselves,” he corrected, his voice stiff. He gave her a look she couldn’t quite fathom.

A lump caught in her throat. There were so many things that they hadn’t yet done together as a family, things they had talked about, things she had quietly hoped they might do some day, but then their imagined future had gone, changed, taken a whole new course. Michael held her gaze above the girls’ heads for a second, then smiled sadly. A second that left a question mark in her mind.

“Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass…

It is about learning to dance in the rain.”

Vivian Greene

“Hi, Kate.”

Kate turned from window-shopping at the boutique to the voice behind her. It was her sister-in-law Sally, Dan’s wife. She hadn’t seen her in ages. She felt a little awkward.

“I don’t suppose you’ve heard.”

Heard what? Good God, was Michael getting married again, but hang on they weren’t even divorced yet? Was Sophie pregnant or something?

“Hi, Sally.” Kate mustered a smile, trying not to look concerned. “No, I don’t think I’ve heard anything. Is everything okay?”
It might not be about Michael at all, to be fair
.

“Well no, not really,” She didn’t sound her usual chirpy self, “Actually, it’s Dorothy. I thought Michael might have told you.”

There was something in her tone that made Kate go cold.

“Oh, Kate, she’s found a lump on her breast, had the biopsy a couple of weeks ago. It’s cancer.”

“Oh no, poor Dorothy.” Poor Dorothy… and George. Yes, it made sense now, Dorothy feeling tired, the doctor’s appointments George had mentioned. She and the girls had visited again only last week, Dorothy had seemed to lack her usual spark, yet still managed to produce scones and tea with a smile. Damn! Kate felt she should have done more, offered to help. How hadn’t she noticed that something was wrong? These past few months she had been blinkered, going through her own version of hell, and hadn’t realised that other people were facing theirs, too. “How is she? Is she going to be okay?”

“Well, she seems to be coping pretty well. She had the operation yesterday. She needed a mastectomy, on the left side. They wanted to be sure they’d got it all. And she’ll have to have some chemotherapy treatments to follow it up, and probably radiotherapy, but the doctors seem fairly positive.”

“The poor love. Is she in hospital still now? I suppose she will be. Have you seen her?”

“Yeah, last night. I went with Dan. She’s down in Ashington. She seemed okay. Tired out, naturally, but you know what Dorothy’s like, putting a brave face on things.”

Yes, she was always like that. “Do you think she’d mind if I went to visit?”

“No, I’m sure she’d be pleased. I’ll tell George that I’ve seen you, that you know… I’m sure he would have told you himself soon enough. It was just the shock of it all. And I think Dorothy wanted to keep it quiet until she’d had the op.”

“Yes, of course.” It was a shock. And Michael, God yes, he’d be gutted. But why hadn’t he told her? He was just on the phone last night? He’d spoken with the girls briefly. Come to think of it, he had sounded quite subdued. Had he known when he’d dropped them off two days ago? But then, they hardly spoke nowadays, just the briefest of hellos at pick-ups, checking return times for the girls, the mere practicalities. But perhaps, knowing Dorothy, no one would have known a thing until the diagnosis was definite, until the op yesterday. She wouldn’t want to worry anyone.

“Well, I’d better get on. I’ve got to be at the dentist’s in ten minutes, a damn filling fell out… How are the girls? And you, are you getting on okay?” The unspoken lingering between them:
without Michael.
Why did it have to make every conversation so difficult?

“Oh, we’re okay.” In the light of Dorothy’s illness, she could hardly start complaining. “And your boys?”

“Yeah, good thanks.”

“We’ll have to meet up sometime, let them all play together,” Kate offered. It had been a bit awkward since the split, but it shouldn’t affect the children. They were cousins and playmates, after all. She felt a bit guilty now. She’d only gone round once since the break-up, it all seemed so difficult with Michael missing, but Sally had phoned for a chat a couple of times.

“Yes, we’ll do that. Sorry, but I really have to go.”

“That’s okay. You won’t want to miss your appointment. And I’ll definitely get down to the hospital to see Dorothy. Which ward is she on?”

“The general surgical. Ward 10, it is. I think visiting’s from 3:00 till 5:00 this afternoon. And she’ll probably be in for another day or so yet, if you can’t make it today.”

“Okay, thanks.” She’d get there. If she asked Mel to fetch the girls from school and nursery for her and keep them an hour or so, she could fit it in. They’d just started back and Emily was doing two full days at nursery now. Yes, that would be the best way, it wouldn’t be fair to take them with her; Dorothy might be shattered so soon after the op, and the girls would probably get upset. But she’d get there herself. She wanted to support Dorothy. Such a warm, lovely lady, who had always made Kate feel welcome in the family, even now.

“Bye then, Sally, thanks for letting me know.” Kate paused, wondering for a second if it was her place to ask any more, and Sally was obviously ready to dash, but the question burned in her mind, “How’s Michael taken it? And your Dan, of course?”

“Oh, not too badly, Kate, thanks. They’re both just a bit shocked. It was all rather out of the blue, and they’re worried too, of course.”

Should she ring Michael, see how he was? She knew how floored he would be. He had always been close to his mum. But would calling him seem strange? He had Sophie there now to comfort him, yet would she know how to deal with him? How he closed off in times of trouble, yet needed your patience and love even more.

“Look, I’ve really got to go, Kate. But give me a ring sometime.”

“Okay, will do. Take care, all of you.”

“You too.”

Her thoughts sped back to Michael. Should she phone him when she got home? He was likely to be at work. She was sure he’d be trying to carry on much as normal. Showing a calm face in the office, when inside she knew he’d be faltering.

Kate took Dorothy’s hand in her own, noticing how thin the skin there was, showing tired blue veins. Her mother-in-law looked pale, propped up on stiff white hospital pillows in a ward with five other ladies, lined up in cubicle areas separated by blue-patterned curtains. George was there by her side.

“Oh, Dorothy, I came as soon as I heard. I wish you’d have told me earlier! I could have helped. How are you?”

“Oh, I’m alright, sweetheart.” She managed a weak smile.

“At least the surgery is over,” George added, patting his wife’s hand as though he was reassuring himself more than her.

Kate’s eyes were drawn to where the dressings would be swathed across Dorothy’s chest, slightly bulky under her rose-patterned nightie, tried not to think of the scars there, the breast removed, the cruelty of cancer. She gathered herself and smiled at the weary face in the bed. This was still the same Dorothy here, her much-loved mother-in-law, who had been a friend since the day she had turned up at their house with Michael – nineteen, skinny and still at university. And they had welcomed her like the daughter they had never had.

Kate sat down on a chair the other side of the bed from George. “I’ve brought you a few things. Thought they might cheer you up a bit.” She’d dashed around the town after seeing Sally and chosen some juicy grapes and peaches, shortbread biscuits and some Crabtree and Evelyn toiletries, placing them all in a pretty pink gift bag. Then, after phoning Mel and making arrangements for the girls, she had made her way to the hospital.

Dorothy looked so pleased in the midst of her discomfort, wincing a little as she shifted to look at the gifts, that Kate wanted to hug her, for her bravery, her generous soul, but knew she couldn’t. The wound would be raw. She just squeezed the hand she held instead and held back the tears that misted in her eyes.

“That’s so kind of you, Kate. You always were such a thoughtful girl. Thank you… I was so pleased when Michael found you…” And then Dorothy stopped herself, stopped them all from revisiting the past, realising that the present had taken them all to a very different place.

George coughed and said he’d go on outside for a short while, offering to fetch them some tea or coffee on his return.

“Yes, thank you, George, I’ll have a tea,” Dorothy answered.

“Oh, yes, I’d like some tea, too. That’s if it’s alright to stay a while. You’re not too tired or anything, Dorothy?”

“Oh no, dear, the company is lovely for me. Thank you, George.” She turned to Kate again, “Well then, how are those darling girls? How’s Emily getting on at nursery doing the two full days now?”

“Oh fine, really good. She’s made some new friends this term and seems to adore the new assistant, Miss Giles.”

“Well, that’s good. Yes, that’s good.” She paused. “How’s Michael doing?” She asked kindly.

Kate hadn’t called him in the end, though she’d wanted to, it didn’t seem right, somehow. She felt she ought to come to the hospital herself, and support Dorothy in her own way. Did Dorothy think that they still kept in touch about everything? Kate gave her mother-in-law a quizzical look. “Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t know, Dorothy. He doesn’t speak to me that much these days. Not about personal things… I heard about you being in hospital from Sally. I saw her in the town this morning.”

“Oh, I see… He did call in to see me last night. I got George to ring him yesterday after the operation. We hadn’t told anyone until we knew what we were dealing with. It might have just been a silly scare. Well, I just wondered how he was, that was all, but of course…” she let the words drift.

She was still thinking of others, worrying about her family, as she lay there so fragile herself in her hospital bed.

“Well, I’m sure he’ll be alright.” Kate replied, “He’ll just be worried about you, that’s all. As we all are.”

“Well, the doctors and nurses are very positive. I saw that Mr… Oh, what was his name? The oncologist,” She paused a moment, creasing her brow, “Powell. Yes, Mr Powell, that’s it. He was on his rounds this morning. He was the one who did the surgery – lovely man. He seemed extremely positive about everything, so I’m sure it’ll all be fine.” She patted Kate’s hand encouragingly.

“Well, that’s good news.”

“And Kate, would you be a love and keep an eye on George for me? I’m worried he’ll not be eating right. He can hardly boil himself an egg,” she chuckled. “I might be in a few days. I don’t quite know how he’ll look after himself. I think he’s going back to Daniel and Sally’s for tea tonight. At least that was the plan when she popped in yesterday. The company will do him good.”

“Well, he can call in on us anytime for meals, too, or just a cup of tea and a chat. Or I can take him something over to the house if that’s better for him.”

“Thank you, my dear. That’s very kind.”

They sat quietly for a moment or two, both deep in their own thoughts.

“This is the first time he’s had a night on his own without me since we were married,” Dorothy’s voice was fragile, “The first time in 42 years.”

Yes, they’d not long had their Ruby Wedding Anniversary. Kate remembered the party held at their house, the girls wearing deep-red velvet dresses for the occasion, which they’d loved, prancing about like mini ballerinas. Forty-two years, a proper, old-fashioned marriage, where “till death do us part” really meant it, where they stuck by each other in sickness and in health; so very evident here in this hospital. And she thought of her own sham of a marriage. Had she done enough to try and get Michael to stay, could they have done things differently, talked about their problems? Had they just let go too soon?

George came back into the ward carrying milky teas in white plastic cups, “Best I could do, ladies.”

And Kate was sure it was.

In the greyness of the tarmac car park, she spotted a figure coming towards her, head bowed, checking a mobile phone, which he held in his palm. The way he walked was familiar, so familiar. It made her heart ache, for him, for them, for his sick mother.

He looked up, realised it was her and smiled.

Kate smiled back. What else was there to do? This was no place for bitterness nor reproaches. Only metres between them now.

“Oh, hi, have you been to see her? Or… it’s nothing else?” There was a hint of panic in his tone, “Not the girls?”

“No, no, they’re fine. I was visiting Dorothy.”

“Thank you.” A mix of emotions was there in his face, which she wasn’t sure how to read, “How did she seem? Last night, she was pretty drugged up after the op. She looked so tired and frail.” He had puffy bags under his eyes, as though he hadn’t got much sleep.

“She’s okay. Being brave.”

“Uh-huh. Good.” He nodded. “That sounds good.” He seemed lost, somehow.

“And you? How are
you,
Michael?” Kate’s tone was warm. “I wondered about calling you as soon as I heard, but I wasn’t sure if you’d want me to.”

“Thanks. Oh, I’ve probably been better. But it’s not me I’m worried about. I just want to know she’s going to be alright,” his voice wavered.

Before she had time to think about what she was doing, she placed her arms around him and held him to her. He trembled, felt so raw there within her embrace. She could feel his heart beating through his shirt. And it felt right to be that close, so natural, despite everything, whatever had come between them, whatever the divide.

He pulled away after a few seconds, seemed a little awkward, the reality of their situation back in his mind.

“I’m okay,” he murmured, “I just need to know that Mum will be, too.” He tried to raise a smile, but it froze on his lips.

“I’m sure she will be, Michael, she’s a fighter. And she said the doctors seem really positive about her recovery.”

“That’s good. Well, I’d better go on in.”

His phone beeped in his pocket, taking his attention.

Could it be Sophie? Always there between them. But then, why shouldn’t she be ringing him, checking if he was okay?

“Yes, well I’d better get on, too. Mel’s got the girls for me. And you take care. If there’s anything I can do for your Mum, for
you
,” she added, her voice gentle, “Just let me know.”

“Okay, thanks. And thanks for visiting her. I’m sure she’ll have appreciated that.”

He rushed away in through the large glass doors of the hospital. Had to get away quickly. Kate had been so damned graceful there, somehow, so kind. How come she hadn’t just walked on by and ignored him after everything he’d done to her? He didn’t think he’d have handled it so well if the tables had been turned.