The Twitter History of the World (13 page)

@TonyBlair
#FF @GeorgeWBush – you should see the DMs he’s been sending me about WMDS in Iraq #terrifying
09:32am, September 12, 2001

@GeorgeWBush
@Tony Blair – that’s ma boy!
05:04am, March 20, 2003

Following the September 11 attacks on America, President George W Bush beat the drum for war on Iraq. His closest overseas ally was British Prime Minister Tony Blair. They never did find those weapons of mass destruction.

@CherieBlair
#weallgotthatonefriend who introduces us to homeopathic dowser healers and conmen who help us buy property in Bristol. Right?
3.01am, November 1, 2002

@CherieBlair
Oh. Just me then.
4.56am, November 1, 2002

@PiersMorgan
@CherieBlair How is that ‘moral compass’ coming along, Chezza? PS – I’ve got more Twitter followers than you!
6.47am, November 1, 2002

Cherie Blair hit the headlines in 2002 due to her relationship with controversial ‘lifestyle guru’ Carole Caplin.

@BoJo
‘How to cover-up extra-marital affairs’
9.12pm, 21 June 21, 2004

@BoJo
Oh blast – I thought this was Google!
9.13pm, 21 June 21, 2004

@BoJo
Putting a jolly good editorial in tomorrow’s
Spectator
, about how mawkish Liverpudlians are.
10.12pm, October 8, 2004

@MacKenzieKelvin
@BoJo LOL – good luck with that, old boy.
10.13pm, October 8, 2004

@BoJo
It seems Boris hath been a naughty boy again. But
all I said was they have orgies of cannibalism in Papua New Guinea! Must be more careful.
9.13pm, September 19, 2006

@BoJo
Portsmouth, eh? Full of drugs, obesity, underachievement and Labour MPs!
10.45am, April 10, 2007

@BoJo
Oh dear…
10.46am, April 10, 2007

@BoJo
#FF @HelenMacintyre You should see her little baby’s hair – a wonderful unruly mop!
0.46am, November 7, 2010

@BoJo
Oh. Gosh. You don’t think…Oh no, not again!
10.47am, November 7, 2010

With regular gaffes, some romantic affairs and other headline-grabbing moments, Boris Johnson has kept the British public entertained for years. He has also been a Conservative MP and London Mayor.

@DailyExpress
Chavs are the new terrorists (who were themselves the new dangerous dogs). WE MUST STOP THEM!
6.00am, 1 May, 2005

@BluewaterShoppingCentre
This is terrifying! – There’s nothing else for it – we’re banning hoods from our premises.
9.00am, 1 May, 2005

@KentMonk
I was just got flung out of my local shopping mall - anyone know what that’s about?
11.11am, 1 May, 2005

@DavidCameron
Like everyone else, I’m terrified of chavs. I’ve got the answer: We should all hug a hoodie.
2.02pm, 2 May, 2005

@DavidCameron
Ah. Apparently ‘Hug A Hoodie’ is the name of a gay porn film. To clarify: I wasn’t suggesting that sort of thing.
2.03pm, 2 May, 2005

@DavidCameron
Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But, look, we do need to do something about happy slapping.
2.04pm, 2 May, 2005

@DavidCameron
Right. I see. Apparently there’s a ‘risqué’ film called
Happy Slapping
, too. Dear me, a man can hardly open his mouth these days.
2.05pm, 2 May, 2005

@DavidCameron
What dirty minds you have. All I’m saying is that we need to discipline wayward youths. Perhaps it’s time to bring back spanking?
2.09pm, 2 May, 2005

@DavidCameron
Let’s drop it.
2.10pm, 2 May, 2005

Scare stories about the white working-class caused panic and posturing in the 21st century. Newspapers, retailers and politicians alike jumped on the bandwagon.

‘It’s not exactly ROFLcopter…how about trying a novel?’

@AlGore
Listen people, we have to reduce energy consumption at home NOW or @ThePlanet is going to blow up! #AnInconvenientTruth
04.00am, May 1, 2006

@ThePlanet
OK, @AlGore how about you cut your energy consumption at home? It’s 20 times the national average! #heatedswimmingpool #electricgate
04.01am, May 1, 2006

@AlGore
@ThePlanet Gimme a break – nobody’s perfect…
04.02am, May 1, 2006

@ThePlanet
True, @AlGore. Anyway, don’t let us stop you from private-jetting around the world to tell everyone to…stop jetting round the world.
04.03am, May 1, 2006

@TrudieStyler
@ThePlanet It’s not easy being a green campaigner! Anyway, off to a party tonight so I’m
flying my hairdresser from New York by private jet.
5.01pm, May 12, 2009

@PrinceCharles
One is flying to Copenhagen to give a speech at a climate change conference. Flying back three hours later. Thank goodness for private jets!
7.12am, 14 December 2009

@PrinceCharles
Taking the Royal train on a nationwide tour for a week to promote how important cycling is for the environment. #livestrong
11.12am, September 4, 2010

@JohnTravolta
@PrinceCharles Adaboy! We all need to do our bit for climate change…as I was telling the pilot of one of the five private jets I own.
11.13am, September 4, 2010

@ThePlanet
With friends like these…
11.17am, September 4, 2010

Environmentalism became increasingly popular and fashionable in the 21st century. Not all the campaigners were as sincere as they could be.

@TonyBlair
Resigned as PM today. Looking for new work. CV: bombed Iraq and Afghanistan. Any offers?
4.44pm, June 24, 2007

@TheUN
Fancy becoming Middle East Peace Envoy?
8.44am, 27 June, 2007

@TonyBlair
@TheUN Erm, I assume you’re taking the piss?
8.45am, 27 June, 2007

@TheUN
@TonyBlair Nope, quite serious.
8.47am, 27 June, 2007

@TonyBlair
Fuck me…
8.49am, 27 June, 2007

Many felt there was a certain irony in Tony Blair becoming an envoy for Middle East peace. Not least lots of people in the Middle East.

@CherylCole
I beat-up a black woman in a toilet, me marriage to football’s most hated man has failed & me band’s seen better days. What next?
10.02pm, May 30, 2008

@SimonCowell
@CherylCole Hello you…
10.02pm, May 30, 2008

Cheryl (formerly Cheryl Tweedy and Cheryl Cole) was offered X
Factor
salvation by Simon Cowell. It all worked beautifully… until they tried the same trick in America.

@SarahPalin
Honoured that @JohnMcCain has chosen me as his running mate. Can’t wait to become the Deputy co-Prime President of Romania!
11.34pm, August 29, 2008

@SarahPalin
Discovered a great thing today – newspapers. You should check ’em out – they have photos and everything. Which do I read? I read ’em all!
4.44am, September 1, 2008

@SarahPalin
Foreign policy is my speciality – you can see Russia from my house in Alaska. And I’m telling ya, we gotta stick by our North Korean allies!
2.12am, September 4, 2008

@SarahPalin
Just got asked what my view on gay marriage is. I dunno, I don’t buy into all that climate change shizzle. Put that in your pinko pipe!
2.34am, September 5, 2008

@SarahPalin
Can’t wait for the #AmericanIdol final. Vote for me and @JohnMcCain because we’ve got #TheXFactor. We gonna kick JFK’s ass!
2.34am, September 5, 2008

@SarahPalin
What are my views on the credit crunch? I’m here to talk about politics not pop music. #KeepingItReal
2.35am, September 5, 2008

@SarahPalin
In an interview. The dude asked me for my intellectual heroes. I said George Dubya, Ronnie McD and Jabba The Hut.
11.11am, September 6, 2008

@SarahPalin
Apparently I need five, though. Can you think of one more?
11.12am, September 6, 2008

@JohnMcCain
Sorry I’ve not been on Twitter for a while, been busy campaigning. What have I missed?
4.13pm, September 6, 2008

@JohnMcCain
Oh. Shit.
4.14pm, September 6, 2008

When John McCain chose Sarah Palin as his running mate for the 2008 American Presidential elections he had no idea what an impact she would make.

@IraqiJudge
Hey @SaddamH, you used to kill Iraqi people - and now Iraqi people are going to kill you. Isn’t it ironic?
06.00am, December 30, 2006

@SaddamHussein
@IraqiJudge Totally – it’s like raaaa-aaiiin on your wedding day, it’s a free ride when you’ve already paid…
06.01am, December 30, 2006

Saddam Hussein was executed by hanging after being found guilty of crimes against humanity following a year-long trial.