The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women (2 page)

At lectures, workshops, hell, at cocktail parties, people from all walks of life approach me with inquiries about anal sex. Some follow up with: “Are you sick and tired of being asked about anal sex?” The answer remains the same: absolutely not. I welcome their questions—questions their doctors avoid, questions they can’t ask their closest confidant, questions no high school health teacher I know would entertain—and I’m glad they had the courage to ask them.

Recently, at a class in New York, a beautiful blonde woman in a light blue sweater raised her hand and queried, “After the initial penetration of a guy’s cock in your ass, when should it start to feel good?” “Honey, it should be feeling good all along, and if it’s not, then something’s wrong,” I said. She went on to describe a first-time experience that was painful, something I know other women can relate to. “Was there warm-up, or did he just stick it in?” I asked. The latter, as I suspected. The guy sitting next to her even copped to being the owner of the (understandably) overzealous dick. I told them to make a pact: they will go slow , do plenty of warm-up, and, if it hurts at all, stop without any consequences—no frustration, no feeling guilty, on either side. “Once you’re in,” I told him, “don’t go all the way. Hang back with just the head inside to allow her ass to get used to the feeling. Oh, and was there clitoral stimulation going on? Because you usually can’t go wrong with some clit stimulation.” They looked at each other, then back at me, smiling.

My job is never boring.

As a kid, I was taught by some pretty great, underappreciated public school teachers, and, although they weren’t talking prostate glands and anal beads, they influenced the way I inform others about my favorite subject. I just put it all out there. Nothing is off limits: enemas, poop, hemorrhoids,
why you shouldn’t use Vaseline as lube or candles as sex toys. It’s important not to shy away from the so-called embarrassing stuff and to just be honest. My goal is simple: debunk the myths, fight the taboos, explain the basics, and give people information and tools they can use. And do it in a way that’s less boring lecture, more stand-up sass. I’m one of those teachers who wants to get my students so excited about the material that they beg for extra-credit assignments (hint: my butt toys need to be inventoried!). I challenge them (“Every man in this room should be fucked in the ass at least once before he dies!”), and I hope I inspire them. It feels good to know that I’ve contributed to improving someone’s erotic awareness, and ultimately her sex life. Sometimes, I want to go home with my students (no, not like that…well, not with
all
of them anyway), peek into their bedroom for a night, and coach their anal pleasure session from plug to plow. But usually I must send them on their way with a reassuring nod and a tube of Astroglide Gel.

 

When I began work on this second edition, several friends asked me, “A second edition? Do you actually have
more
to say on the subject?” Well, as it turns out, I do. Through teaching anal sex classes, being asked questions I didn’t know the answer to, having lots more anal sex (both in front of a roomful of students and in private), I have learned so much more. The publisher didn’t just stick a new cover on the old book and call it “pdated.” Every single page has been revised; there are new chapters, new illustrations, new tips and techniques, new answers to new questions.

The title is still
The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women
, and it is written from a woman’s perspective and geared toward all women, regardless of their sexual orientation. It’s so important for women to have information and inspiration about our bodies and the pleasure they can bring us. That said, women aren’t the only ones who bought the first edition, who attend my workshops, or who write to me, and I hope this edition can be equally useful for people of all genders. Although the book concentrates on the experiences of women, many of the guidelines and generalizations about anal sex apply to everyone.

Growing up in America, it is nearly impossible to escape the taboo about anal sexuality and all the myths surrounding it. From an early age, we are taught that our assholes are private, dirty , and shouldn’t be touched in a sexual way. Whether we learn about the birds and the bees from popular
books or in sex education class, the ass is rarely mentioned, unless to say it’s behind our genitals. When anal sex is acknowledged as an erotic preference in sex research and popular advice columns, it is portrayed as a fantasy of straight men whose female partners endure pain in order to please them. There are rarely representations of women who enjoy anal sex with either men or women. Myths like these are based on fear more than fact, and often prevent people from voicing their anal desires and acting on those desires. The first chapter is a good place to begin exploring these myths more closely. If we challenge the deeply ingrained notions behind them and discover how they have affected our own attitudes about the ass and its erotic potential, we can begin to replace those myths with truths. In addition, you may find the facts useful for talking about anal sex with your partner.

In the second chapter, I provide a brief anatomy lesson, covering related muscles and body parts, and encourage you to get better acquainted with your ass. In chapter 3, I discuss some ways we can take care of ourselves emotionally and psychologically, covering topics like desire, communication, and fear. In addition, I explore some of the issues that may come up during anal sex with a partner, including fantasy, power dynamics, and trust. Chapters 4 and 5 cover basic preparation tips you should know about before beginning anal exploration, including hygiene, grooming, and enemas.

Safer sex practices are the subject of chapter 6, and there is a guide to lubricants in chapter 7. Sex toys are the focus of chapter 8, including anal beads, butt plugs, anal probes, dildos, vibrating and inflatable toys, and strap-ons. Plus, there are some hints about how to assess the safety of any other tool you’re thinking of using for anal sex.

Chapters 9 through 11 cover the ins and outs of anal masturbation, analingus (also called rimming), and beginning and advanced anal penetration, including information on positions. Chapter 12 highlights specific issues and techniques for male anal pleasure. In chapters 13, 14, and 15, we move into more edgy territory, with BDSM, long-term butt plug wear, and anal fisting. Based on my work over the years, I’ve compiled a troubleshooting guide of some of the most common issues and problems people ask me about for chapter 16.

Chapter 17 is an important one for everyone; it covers general anal health, common anal ailments, as well as sexually transmitted diseases
(STDs)—their symptoms and treatments. The information about various diseases is written specifically as it relates to anal sexuality.

In each chapter, you’ll see sidebars called Ask the Anal Advisor: these are questions from real people and my answers. Throughout the book, I have also included brief excerpts from erotic literature and quotes from popular books and magazines about anal pleasure. I hope these words will encourage you to enact your own anal fantasies and enjoy the full range of anal eroticism. At the end of the book, I have included a resource guide, with selected books, videos, websites, and other sources for people who want to learn more about anal pleasure.

 

I want this book to empower you with knowledge about your body and sexuality. I want you to have safe and pleasurable anal sex, alone or with your partners. And, while the cover touts this book as the “Ultimate Guide,” I don’t consider it the final word by any means. I hope it is just the beginning—the beginning of more discussion, more research, more investigation, and more exploration of the world of anal sexuality.

The moment I discovered anal eroticism and shared it with a lover was a huge turning point in my sex life. It still drives me crazy after all this time. I hope that you—beginner, fan, or expert—will use this book to help fulfill, improve, and enhance your explorations of anal pleasure.

 

Tristan Taormino
New York City
November 2005

TRUTH: Religion, medicine, science, government, education, media, and other important institutions dictate what is considered acceptable behavior (and what is considered deviant) in all areas of life, including sexuality. The anal sex taboo has been well established and reinforced by these institutions in order to maintain the status quo. For example, most sex education programs for students under eighteen do not include any mention of anal pleasure or anal sex. The majority of sex self-help books for adults include little or no information on the subject. When anal sex is represented in mainstream media (which is still infrequently), it is more often portrayed as negative, violent, or degrading than positive or pleasurable. Up until the 1960s, under sodomy laws, anal sex was a crime; in some states, it only applied to same-sex partners, while in others, it applied to everyone. As recently as this decade, it was still illegal for anyone to engage in anal sex in nine states in America. In the case of Lawrence v . Texas in 2003, the Supreme Court ruled that sodomy laws were unconstitutional.

The good news is that history teaches us that sexual norms are constantly changing. There was a time when masturbation was thought to be unhealthy and sinful. In the 1970s, oral sex was considered out of the ordinary, even a little kinky. Today, masturbation and oral sex are considered a healthy part of a person’s sex life. Today’s taboo is tomorrow’s norm.

Most of us have grown up learning something negative about our asses, so the myths that follow will sound familiar. The legacy of anal sex taboos continue to linger and inform how people perceive anal pleasure. New sexuality research, changes in sex education, and legal victories like Lawrence v. Texas will hopefully go a long way toward shifting public opinion.

TRUTH: The notion that anal sex is kinky, abnormal, or perverse is based on the assumption that one form of sexual expression—specifically, heterosexual penis-vagina intercourse—is natural, normal, and conventional. All other activities, including manual stimulation, oral sex, and sex toys, are considered abnormal. From the perky girl next door to the daring dominatrix in the dungeon, people of every age, gender, sexual orientation, socio-economic class, race, religion, occupation, and ability practice and enjoy anal sex.

TRUTH: It’s true that the anus and rectum are parts of our body’s efficient waste management system. But, in addition, the ass is full of sensitive,
responsive nerve endings, and the stimulation of these nerve endings can be intensely pleasurable—and orgasmic—for both men and women. When we get turned on, and our pussies get wet, our cocks and clits erect, our asses aren’t left out. They too become engorged, aroused, and extra sensitive. Through anal penetration, women can experience indirect G-spot stimulation and men get direct prostate stimulation.

TRUTH: In general, Americans have an obsession with hygiene and cleanliness, so this myth plays into our fears of being dirty. We imagine our asses to be a lot filthier than they actually are. Feces are stored in the colon and pass through the rectum and out the anus during a bowel movement. If you’re a healthy person with regular bowel movements, than only a small amount of fecal matter will be present in the anal canal and rectum. As long as you practice standard hygiene, anal sex is no more messy than any other kind of sex. If you have a bowel movement and take a shower or bath before sex to clean the anal area, no other extraordinary measures are needed. Some people like to have an enema before anal sex, but that is not necessary.