The Ultimate Stonemage: A Modest Autobiography (13 page)

There you have it then. This was the secret of Directional Exhaustion which Saint Elifax imparted to me.

The next day, when it was light, I crossed the bridge with my myrmidons, which took some hours, but which was accomplished without the loss of any myrmidons or slaves. The bridgekeeper was nowhere to be seen during this time, but as we marched away over the hills beyond the river, I happened to look back in the direction of the bridge. To my astonishment, I saw it had vanished, together with the house. Also, trees had appeared at the spot where the house had been, and the shape of the river had changed. Furthermore, I saw a grey bird flying over the trees, and the appearance of this bird in many ways resembled the old bridgekeeper.

Now, a sceptic might say I simply looked back in the wrong direction and saw some other part of the river, but this was not so, for my sense of direction is excellent, and even though we took a winding route over the hills, I do not think I would have become confused in this way, and if I had become confused, I would have admitted it. As proof of this last fact, I will tell next of a navigational error I did make, and the tragic consequences of it.

The Ninth Part

In Which I Describe A Series Of Terrible Calamities Which Befell Me

For three months I marched
westward across the continent of America with my myrmidons. I was filled with a great energy to return to my homeland and to unleash my myrmidons upon the enemies of the
Duke of Oaster, who, as I believed it, had been greatly wronged by the
king.

My plan was to march across the continent until I reached
Great Tasker, upon the western coast, where I would once more take possession of my ship (since I judged it should arrive ahead of me by several weeks).

So, I marched for a month or so, and at last I came to a great body of water, which I took to be the
Pacific Ocean. I followed the coast, and then inland a little, until I came to a town, which I believed to be
Great Tasker. It had been a very tiresome journey, and I was grateful it was finally at an end.

You will imagine my dismay, however, when I entered the town and discovered this was not
Great Tasker, but the town of
Sudbury, and this body of water, which I had taken for the
Pacific Ocean (for it certainly seemed very flat and peaceful) was merely one of the huge lakes in the region.

And if you do not have a sense of the geography of the world (for in this ignorant age, many people do not), this means, instead of crossing the entire American continent, I had crossed only a fifth part of it, and was sitting in the heart of
Manitario, with thousands of miles of travel remaining to me.

Upon making this discovery, I was filled with a
Sad Mood. I left the town again, and for many hours I sat on the shore of the huge lake, surrounded by my soldiers as I gazed out at the waves and splashed my feet, and, it seemed, the longer I sat, the sadder I became. I felt I would never return to my homeland. The way behind me was blocked by my cruel enemies, while the march ahead seemed impossibly slow and wearisome. And at the end of the march would come not rest, but a long and dangerous ocean journey.

It was all too much for me, and I felt close to weeping. I am a hardy soul, however, and not given to emotions of weakness. Instead, my sadness turned outwards, transforming itself like a mighty phoenix into anger. In my mind, I raged at the town whose presence had so cruelly tricked me, lifting my great hopes and dreams, only to dash them upon the millstone of hardship and crush them to the rancid flour of despair.

Then, I fear, my Sad Mood got the better of me, and I commanded my army to lay waste to the town of Sudbury so no trace of it should remain to sadden me further.

Here is how I did it.

I had my myrmidons surround the town, then I sent the
Behemoths scaling the walls to deal with the guards patrolling at the top. Those great black brutes were excellent climbers, and were up those walls as quickly and easily as you or I might climb a ladder. Once at the top, they were dangerous fellows indeed, for they ran around the walls, and when they came upon a guard, why, they just gave him a swipe with their long arms, sending the myrmidons flying off the wall and tumbling to the ground.

With the walls cleared, the Behemoths returned to me. We then moved forward together, the Behemoths surrounding me to protect me from arrows or spears. When we reached the wall, I placed my hands upon it and began to remove the bindings which held it up. It took, perhaps, an hour to walk around the entire wall, removing every large binding I found, and replacing them with the same unstable
Struts of Atlas I had used to destroy the three ships on the
Duck Islands, for I find these bindings are ideally suited to the demolition of buildings. Then we retreated, and, after a few minutes, the bindings collapsed, bringing the walls down, together with a good many buildings which stood in the shadow of those walls.

Next, I advanced my myrmidons, telling them to kill any people they might see, and to remove from the town any items of gold or silver, or any items which contained gemstones, or any other small and valuable items.

This they promptly did, storming through the gates and setting upon the unfortunate citizens with a fury terrible to see and hear. Indeed, at times the spectacle was so horrible I was forced to place my hands over my ears and to close my eyes.

When the myrmidons returned, they bore a great fortune in gold, which I had them place in a large pile before me. We also captured many vats of
sweet-oil, which is used in the manufacture of certain metals.

Most of the town was still standing, and, since I did not wish to go through the streets taking down the bindings on every house and hall, I ordered my troops to spread some of the sweet-oil upon the buildings, then to light great fires, so the town might be utterly destroyed.

Many people had escaped the assault and fled into the forest, but when I saw this, I called, “Ho! None of that!” I sent groups of myrmidons to encircle the refugees. The myrmidons quickly rounded them all up, then dragged them back inside the town walls, where they tossed them into the inferno. Some of these folk were nobles, and they pleaded for mercy, claiming they were closely related to the region’s ruler. That was nothing to me, though, and they met the same fate as the rest.

The town burned for three days and nights, like a great bonfire. It was a jolly sight, I will confess, and it gave me a very slight, short-lived relief from my Sad Mood.

When the flames had subsided, I had the myrmidons divide up the treasure and place it in their packs. We took the remaining vats of sweet-oil too, for I saw it made a fine weapon. I marched my myrmidons southwest, along a great road which connected Sudbury with
Enek Tireal. I could hear the singing of birds as we marched, and in my Sad Mood this was abhorrent to me. I therefore commanded the myrmidons to throw rocks into the trees to hit such birds as they might see. Also, I told them to sing songs of war as they marched, so the town ahead of us might hear our sound and be terrified.

There were travellers on the road. Most turned hurriedly and fled when they saw my advancing army, but some came fearlessly towards us, whereupon my myrmidons seized them and brought them to me, saying, “What shall we do with these innocent travellers?” Alas, I was still gripped by my Sad Mood, and I said “Hang them at once,” and although the poor wretches begged and protested they had done nothing wrong, my heart was hard to their pleas, and I watched without pity as they were put to death.

Upon reaching
Enek Tireal, I found the town had received word of my approaching army and had closed its gates and set myrmidons upon the walls. These preparations on the part of the citizens of
Enek Tireal, while they might seem reasonable precautions to take in the face of such a mighty force, were the very worst thing they could have done for my Sad Mood, for they made me feel I was hated and reviled. Therefore, still under that mood’s terrible influence, I commanded my myrmidons to do to that town what they had already done to Sudbury, which is to say, remove the valuables and use sweet-oil to destroy it utterly, leaving no trace. Once this was done, we marched away from the remains of the town, travelling at a leisurely and dejected pace through the forest for many weeks.

One day, while I was relaxing under a crab apple tree, still very much afflicted by my Sad Mood, my myrmidons brought a young man before me who, they said, had been found hiding a short distance away. I interrogated him thoroughly, and, before he died, he admitted he was acting as a spy for various officials of
Manitario. These officials, he admitted, wanted to know the size of my army, so they might send a much larger force against me.

Unfortunately for my enemies, my Sad Mood had not diminished my cunning in any way. In fact, if anything, my mood focused my intelligence upon the task at hand.

Without an hour’s delay, then, I ordered my myrmidons to march south. We marched for six days, passing, and destroying, many towns and villages on the way, as well as killing cattle, pigs, sheep, goats, geese, and any other livestock we found in those places. I shudder now to think of the ferocity of my Sad Mood.

Then, having left a terrible path of destruction in my wake, I ordered my myrmidons to turn westward once more, but to go with speed and subtlety. I knew my enemies would find the southward path and would think I had continued south through the forests there, whereas in fact I was proceeding west.

We continued west for a week, travelling with great stealth and discretion, although, according to the dictates of my Sad Mood, I was obliged to destroy five more villages, and hang several groups of merchant-travellers.

I thought I had fooled my enemies very well with my cunning stratagem, but, in my naive sadness, I little realized the extent of the treachery which was in the hearts of my unseen opponents. They laid a trap for me which was very wicked, for they knew, although I was afflicted with a great sadness, I was still virtuous, trusting and innocent, and I would not anticipate the depraved nature of their monstrous plot.

I will tell you of their trap now. It is a very gripping tale, and you will very likely sweat with fear as you read it.

As we marched west, I came, with my army, to the town of
Grim. You may laugh at this name, for I too laughed when I heard it, yet it would have been better I had heeded the divine warning being sent to me by this word.

I approached the town without fear, my army at my back. My scouts had told me the town was small, with no more than two thousand persons. There were forests around, and mountains behind. The buildings were small and neat, with bright colours and many ornamental gardens. It was a pretty place, although, naturally, in my Sad Mood, I could think only of how it would look once it had been committed to the flames.

Since the town gates were open, I said to myself, “First I will have myself a good luncheon, then I will destroy the place.”

As we passed through the town gates, though, we received such a welcome as I had not ever received before, with cheering and music, and with men and women throwing themselves down before me to kiss my feet. They showed no fear of me, as folk from other towns and cities had done, but instead showed only joy.

They set foods before me—even as I marched through the streets—and threw flowers, and placed garlands upon my myrmidons and my bodyguards.

I was pleased at the reception. No, I must be truthful, I was more than pleased—I was deeply moved, and at once I felt the ice melt from my heart, as my Sad Mood began to weaken. I said to myself, “Perhaps I will not burn this town immediately. Rather, I will wait a day or two and enjoy the fruits of the place.”

So, I remained there, and whenever I wandered the streets the people cheered, and all about me were joyful faces. When I asked several townspeople the reason for their rejoicing, they said it was because, with my holy presence, I brought good fortune to their little town, at which words I made a holy gesture, applying a blessing of luck upon the crowd, and upon seeing this they cheered still more.

I struggled terribly with my Sad Mood during those days, for a part of me did not wish to see this charming town destroyed. I told myself I was planning a special destruction for this town, and I ordered my myrmidons to gather great piles of wood from the forest, which they placed against the walls.

While this work was going on, an old woman came up to me and asked me if I planned to burn the town and kill its occupants.

I said, “Yes, it is very likely I will.”

I expected her to plead and beg for mercy then, but she did not. Instead she said, “Then we are truly blessed.”

Naturally, I asked her to explain herself.

“It is inevitable every one of us must eventually die,” she said. “Only the manner of the death is uncertain. It seems to me that being put to death by a revered holy man is a very godly death, and one to be grateful for.”

I was astonished at her great faith in me, and, the grip which my Sad Mood had upon me loosened still further.

Now, for a time I remained cautious, and although I was soothed by these people, still I went about the town with my bodyguards around me. After a time, though, I began to feel foolish, and not a little cowardly, to go so well protected, so I bade my myrmidons set up camp some distance from the town, and I reduced the size of my escort, keeping only five Behemoths around me, a number which later fell to two, and then to none at all, for there seemed to be no need of it. Neither did any harm come to me from this action, for the people of Grim were all very peaceable and tame, and even without my Behemoths I felt no fear of them. In this, however, I was deceived, for, as you may well suppose, there was false dealing being done in that town.

I was one day sitting upon the steps around a statue which is in the marketplace of Grim, eating a delicacy called summer-and-winter. This is a type of fruit-ice made from fresh strawberries and snow. The snow is collected in the winter, then stored in caves until the summer months when the strawberries are out.

In any case, as I sat, my eye fell upon a very lovely young girl, no more than sixteen years of age, I should say. She was gazing at me, and I saw tears upon her cheeks. I said to her, “What troubles you?” to which she replied, “Archbishop, I wish in my heart to beg a favour of you, yet I know you have not the time to help a common person such as I am.”

“Nonsense,” said I. “Though you may be small and insignificant, yet I am not so proud that I will not hear your plea.”

Upon hearing these gentle words of mine, she threw herself prostrate before me, saying, “Archbishop, my little baby son has died not two hours ago. They say the words of a holy man have powers to heal the sick and to raise the dead. Please, will you say these words to my dead son and raise him up to life.”

I was touched to hear this request, and I said to the girl, “Your faith in me is very great, and, if God wishes it, will be rewarded. Lead me to your son.”

Thereupon, she led me a short way, talking of her dear son and the untimely death he had met, until we came to a small house. She said her son’s body was in the cellar, so I opened the trapdoor and climbed the ladder. But when I reached the bottom, a man seized me from behind, while another threw a liquid in my face.