The Undesirable (Undesirable Series) (18 page)

“You’re not the same,” he concludes through clenched teeth. “Thinner. Different hair.”

I pull my hand on my new brown locks. “I changed it. They made me.”

“Who?” He whispers.

“The people who helped me.”

“You mean the people in the SSR,” he says, and for the first time I don’t hear him spit the name out with disgust. “They’re the ones who helped you.”

“Right.” I glance over at the front door of the apartment. My thoughts drift to Glenn’s dead body. My next words come out fast. “Listen, I don’t know if anyone knows I’m here.” I focus on the front door and will it to stay shut. “Can I join you?”

After a long moment, he gives me a curt nod. I throw my backpack down onto the cot. I follow up with the flashlight and jump down to the dirt below. He helps me close the shelter’s lid and secure it in place. We’re alone together in this small space.

Fostino grabs the flashlight, places the backpack on the chair beside the cot, and turns to me. He sizes up my new appearance as he holds the light low on the left side of his body. I can’t think of what to say, so I try anything.

“You know, you’re not the same either.”

“Nope.” He’s cold.

I try something else. “I couldn’t stop thinking about you.” I take in his sharp jaw and mocha skin. He’s better than I remembered, still so handsome. As I wait for an answer to my question, I notice he doesn’t wear the medal-strewn uniform from the Homeland Guard. He’s replaced it with simple black shorts, a white t-shirt and silver tennis shoes. Even though he’s also lost weight, the tight shirt clings to his chest in a way I can’t ignore. His bicep pops out of the sleeve.

“I thought about you a lot, too.” He shrugs. “And then a few days after you left, I heard about you, too.”

“Did they tell you why I left?” My words come out quickly.

“No,” he replies. “They came in one morning before we left for the factory and told all of us in the Homeland Guard that you topped the Most Dangerous List. They said we had to step up our work, and that instead of looking for Undesirables, we would be looking for you.”

“What happened after they couldn’t find me?” My breath quickens because somewhere deep inside, I know his answer won’t be good.

Fostino closes his eyes. “It got bad. Very bad. Really.”

“What happened? Tell me.” I don’t bother to hide the urgency in my voice. My thoughts turn to Farrah and his parents.

Did they die?

Fostino opens his eyes again. Anger rims his pupils. He grits his teeth and takes a step to me. “No. I won’t tell you. Not until you tell me what you did that put you on the Most Dangerous List. Tell me.”

“They didn’t tell you?” I wince.

“No. Tell me. Now. What did you do?”

CHAPTER FORTY-THREE

I chew on my lower lip before I answer. I don’t quite know how to reveal this to anyone, but I’m about to confess it to him.

“Fostino,” I start after yet another deep breath. “It’s not what I did. It’s what I am.”

He raises a thick black eyebrow and a quizzical expression takes over his face. He doesn’t speak.

“A few weeks ago, Thompson, one of the members of the SSR, found me after work.” The words flow like the Colorado River. “And he told me the truth about my father.” My eyes search Fostino’s face to see if he has any idea of what I’m about to say. His expression doesn’t change. I swallow before I say the next words. “My father is Maxwell Cooper.” A beat passes before I continue. “You know. Maxwell Cooper, the Supreme Leader.”

The last sentence comes out as the smallest of whispers. I bite my lip once I finish. I don’t know how I expect Fostino to react, but the way he does surprises me.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he says in a hush. He shakes his beautiful head hard. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.” Fostino crosses his arms in front of his chest and the action makes the muscles bulge. He looks right into my eyes so I can’t break away. “You should have told me.”

“I couldn’t, they, the SSR, they told me to not to. Too dangerous, they said. I needed to escape right away.” I offer any excuse I can to try to make him understand. “They said you couldn’t come with me. Not at all. No way. Besides, you’re a member of the Homeland Guard.”

“Was a member,” he says. His eyes darken again. “
Was
.”

“Huh?” The revelation makes me stop my rambles and excuses. My mouth hangs open a little. “What do you mean?”

“Yeah,
was
a member.” Pain wraps his words. Fostino sits down on the cot and sighs before he explains. He puts his head in his hands and all I focus on is his curly mane. “Not any more. Nope.”

“What happened?” I move the backpack to the floor and sit down, too.

At first, Fostino doesn’t move his hands from his head. “When you left, after the searches, they — The Party — they got angry when they didn’t find you. When no one gave you up, it got worse.” Fostino sits up and leans his back against the metal wall of the shelter. “They ran another Count two days ago. They questioned people in rounds, like they did the day of the massacre. They wanted someone to tell them what they wanted to know about you.” His eyes glaze over a little bit. “Everyone, even the members of the Homeland Guard, had to stand in line and then sit on a stool at the steps of the civic center and answer questions from regular Party members. The whole process took hours. I had to stand in the back with the other members of the Homeland Guard and wait. Mom and Dad stood further away, at the front with Farrah—” He breaks off as if the next words hurt to say.

I only gape at him. Fostino continues with his story.    

“When my dad reached the line, they asked him the questions about you.” Tears pool at the edge of his eyes. “I guess he knew. He knew more than I gave him credit for, and I guess he was tired of all this.” Fostino waves his hand in an ambiguous way above our heads to help make his point. “He wouldn’t answer any of their questions. He wouldn’t say one word. Not about you, not about me, nothing.” The first tear falls down his beautiful cheek and pools at the edge of his jaw. I guess where his story goes.

“They decided to make an example of him,” he reveals. He blows out a breath. “They brought my mother over to him and hit her when he wouldn’t answer. They brought Farrah too. Then, when he wouldn’t talk about me, or you, the soldiers forced mom and Farrah onto a flatbed truck with about 20 other people.” He looks at his hands again. “Dad fought back. Then they shot him. Right after, they shot other people — ten or fifteen of them.”

CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR

My hand covers my mouth and I bite down on my palm. The skin tastes salty and bleeds a little under the force of my teeth. I don’t care. I deserve this pain. Tears threaten to fill my eyes and slide down my face, but I choke them back. I will not cry anymore over what I can’t change, the things I can’t take back. Even as I do this, what Fostino has said hangs around us like a heavy metal chain neither of us can break.

“This is hell. We live in hell.” I lock eyes with the boy I love. “Oh God, Fostino, I am so sorry that happened.”

“The worst part is I don’t know what happened to them. I don’t know. It kills me. Farrah’s so young.” He focuses on the wall and not on me. “I don’t think she can make it through a camp. She is the youngest one they took.”

Deep inside, I fear I can’t bear the force of this news. 

“I snuck away that night, like such a coward. I took off the uniform and stole some clothes from the back of the store. I made up my mind. This is not for me.” His jaw flexes and his eyes take on hardness. “All of it’s a lie. Mom and Dad weren’t bad people. They didn’t do anything wrong. They weren’t Undesirables. And neither are you.”

I swallow my emotions and he continues.

“I was really mad.” He shrugs. “I never wanted to see you again after you left. You just— well, none of it made any sense to me. I couldn’t understand why you would leave, and then The Party kept saying you were the enemy, an Undesirable. No, the
ultimate
Undesirable.” He stops for a second and rubs his hands over his face. “But I’m okay now. I know— I know more now.” This his voice breaks. “And all I can think about is my sister. She’s probably dead. Maybe it’s better if she is.”

“God, this is so awful.”

“I’ve thought a lot, and it’s not you. It’s not you at all. It’s
them
. It’s The Party. They’re the problem.” He scoots a little closer to the chair where I sit. He’s close enough to touch me but he doesn’t yet. “We always were on the ragged edge, Char.”

God, I love when he uses my nickname. 

“Now we’re both orphans,” I say. “And we really
are
Undesirables.” The word makes me shiver.

“I may be, but you’re not, Miss Regime Royalty.” Fostino raises an eyebrow and smiles a little bit. “And you’ve never been an Undesirable to me.” Then he pauses. “Did you really think leaving me would protect me?”

“At the time, I did. Yeah. It seemed like it made sense. They wouldn’t be able to find me, and then no one else would get hurt. I’d remove myself from the danger, and keep everyone else safe. I’m the main target they want. I figured they’d move their search on to another town.” I shrug as acknowledgement of how wrong that turned out. “Ugh… so stupid.”

“So,” Fostino says after a few seconds. “You didn’t mean what you said that day at all, right?”

“Right.” As we sit together in the shelter, I grow even more aware of how much my feeling for him intensified over our time apart. “I didn’t mean any of it.” I emphasize my next words. “
Please believe me
.” I don’t even need to think any more about it. I know I love him, and being in this room with him again has made me love him more. I never want to know a life without him again.

“But then you came back here.”

I shrug. “I had to try to save you. The SSR had information that The Party was going to kill everyone in Harrison Corners. Everyone. Even you.” I run my hand through my hair. “I couldn’t let that happen to you. It wouldn’t have been right.”

Fostino’s mouth scrunches and twits as if he is considering what I just said. Then he shrugs. “When I think about what I know about you, it fits. You take risks and you question authority. You’re not like any other girl I’ve ever met.”

“You’ve known plenty.”

“Well, yeah. The thing is… all the girls at school I used to know seemed only interested in being the best thing, the best person, for the government. They dressed the way the teachers wanted, they did what the school demanded, and they never questioned anyone. Followers. I was a follower. Not you.” Fostino yawns. “And since we’re confessing here, I had a crush on you for a long time, you know.”

“You did?” My head cocks to one side. “How long?” I ask in a small voice, figuring I’ll go ahead and find out the whole story.

“I don’t know.” He sighs. “Years, I think. I had a crush on you for years. And now it’s more than just a crush.” He tosses me a weak smile.

I can’t help but grin back in relief. “All those times when I caught you staring at me in the lunchroom or the hallways make sense now.” 

“I guess so.” Fostino runs an index finger over his upper lips as he studies me. “And don’t think I didn’t notice that all those times, you stared right back.” I don’t have to look in the mirror to know I’m blushing. Then he yawns. “What time is it?”

“11:15.” My mind wanders. “How long did you plan to stay in here?” I motion to the supplies I see stocked on a small bookcase on the far end of the shelter. Peanut butter, canned beans, granola bars, bottled water and a few canned fruits all live there. “That’s enough food for just a few more days.” 

“I hadn’t thought all that out,” he admits before he yawns again.

I state the obvious. “You’re tired.”

“Yeah,” he says, and stretches his lean back against the wall. “We should get some sleep.”

“Agreed.” I stand up, unlace my boots, and throw them into the corner of the shelter next to the ventilation grate. “Is it weird to see me wear The Party uniform?”

He doesn’t have to reply. We both know it is.

“I bet not as weird as it is for me to see you without the Homeland Guard uniform.”

Fostino laughs. “I wish we hadn’t waited so long to figure all this out.”

The mood shifts again. I don’t know what to say as I feel the air thicken around us. 

“So, uh, where do you want me to sleep?” I take off my outer jacket and stand in the center of the small room in a black tank top and pants. Feeling awkward, I blush a little.

“Don’t be silly.” Fostino gives a quick response as he hands me a blanket and small pillow. “You’ll sleep on the cot.” He motions for me to get on it, but when I do, he makes no move to join me.

“Wait a minute,” I whisper. All of the sudden, the air between us changes again. Now, there’s another charge. I know the next few words count. My stomach twists, but in a good way, as I ask the next question. “So, where will you sleep?”

“Depends,” Fostino says as he looks down at me. “Where do you want me to sleep?”

CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE

“Well, I don’t want you to sleep on the floor,” I say, even though I’m shy to admit it. I position myself on the cot so my back lines up with the metal wall. “I want you sleep next to me.”

“Good.” Fostino places the flashlight on the ground next to the cot and the blue light hits the shelter door and illuminates a section of the room. He straightens the blanket and then lifts the end of it up from the cot.

I stiffen a little as he lies down next to me on his side. I suck in my breath through my teeth. His nose is a few centimeters away from mine; I watch the rise and fall of his chest. The weight of our bodies makes the cot creak.

“You said you loved me once…” I say after a long moment.

“Yes.” He says in a firm voice but he keeps his hands against his side. “And I still love you.”

I shake my head and allow myself to confess all. “I love you, too. I love you so much. I should have said it before, but then when I heard The Party wanted to kill everyone, I had to come back and try to save you. And I needed for you to know how I really felt.” Now I’ve said it, it comes out easy. Of course, I’m not finished with what I need to say. “I should have told you the night you said it, Fostino, and said it a thousand times. I never want to stop saying it.”

“I’ve waited to hear you say you love me, Charlotte.” Fostino takes my hand and squeezes it. Then he bites his lip. “Do you ever wonder what it would have been like if we’d met some other time, if it hadn’t been this way?”

“Yes.”

“Easier, I think.” Fostino’s left hand creeps up through the blanket now, and it finds the bend in my neck. He massages the weary muscles underneath my pale skin. I moan a little. He knows what he’s doing. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I can smell him all around me, and it’s delicious.

“I will always love you, Char,” he whispers into my left ear. “No matter who you are, no matter where you go. That won’t change. Ever.”

His lips crash into mine seconds after he speaks. His breath is hot in my mouth, his tongue fills the space, and his arms haul me to his body. This kiss goes deeper than any he’s ever given me before. I return it because I need it. Deep underground, hidden from the hell that awaits us, the moment is ours and ours alone.