Authors: Sophie Kinsella
Tags: #Fiction, #Humorous, #Contemporary Women, #Romance, #Contemporary
The Undomestic Goddess
Would you consider yourself stressed?
No. Im not stressed.
Im... busy. Plenty of people are busy. I have a high-powered job, my career is important
to me, and I enjoy it.
OK. So sometimes I do feel a bit tense. But Im a lawyer in the City, for Gods sake. What
do you expect?
My handwriting is pressing so hard into the page, Ive torn the paper. Dammit. Never mind.
Lets move on to the next question.
On average, how many hours do you spend in the office every day? 14 12 8
Do you exercise regularly?
I regularly go swimming
I occasionally go swim
I am intending to begin a regular regime of swimming. When I have time. Works been busy
lately, its a blip.
Do you drink 8 glasses of water a day? Yes Someti No.
I put down my pen and clear my throat. Across the room, Maya looks up from where
shes rearranging all her little pots of wax and nail varnish. Maya is my spa beauty
therapist for the day and is in her forties, Id say. Her long dark hair is in a plait with
one white streak woven through it, and she has a tiny silver stud in her nose.
Everything all right with the questionnaire? she murmurs.
I did mention that Im in a bit of a hurry, I say politely. Are all these questions
At theGreenTreeCenter we like to have as much information as possible to assess your
beauty and health needs, she replies in soothing yet implacable tones.
I glance at my watch. Nine forty-five.
I dont have time for this. I really do not have the time. But its my birthday treat and I
promised my best friend, Freya.
To be more accurate, its last years birthday treat. Freya gave me the gift voucher for an Ultimate De-stress Experience
just over a year ago. Shes my oldest school friend and is always on at me for working too
hard. In the card that came with the voucher she wrote Make Some Time ForYourself, Samantha !!!
Which I did fully intend to do. But we had the Zincon Petrochemical Group restructuring
and the Zeus Minerals merger... and somehow a year went by without my finding a spare
moment. Im a lawyer with Carter Spink. I work in the corporate department on the finance
side, and just at the moment, things are pretty hectic with some big deals on. Its a blip.
Itll get better. I just have to get through the next couple of weeks.
Anyway, then Freya sent me this years birthday cardand I suddenly realized the voucher was about to expire. So here I am,
on my twenty-ninth birthday. Sitting on a couch in a white toweling robe and surreal paper
knickers. With a half-day window. Max.
Do you smoke? No. Do you drink alcohol? Yes. The odd glass of wine. Do you eat regular
home-cooked meals? What does that have to do with anything? What makes home-cooked meals
superior? I eat a nutritious, varied diet, I write at last.
Which is absolutely true.
Anyway, everyone knows the Chinese live longer than we doso what could be more healthy
than to eat their food? And pizza isMediterranean . Its probably more healthy than a home-cooked meal.
Do you feel your life is balanced? Yes N Yes.
Im done, I announce, and hand the pages back to Maya, who starts reading through my
answers. Her finger is traveling down the paper at a snails pace. Like weve got all the
time in the world.
Which she may well have. But I seriously have to be back in the office by one.
Maya looks up, a thoughtful expression on her face. Youre obviously quite a stressed- out
What? Where does she get that from? I specifically put on the form, I am not stressed- out.
No, Im not. I hope Mayas taking in my relaxed, see-how-unstressed-I-am smile. She looks
Your job is obviously very pressured.
I thrive under pressure, I explain. Which is true. Ive known that about myself ever
Well. Ever since my mother told me, when I was about eight. You thrive under pressure, Samantha . Our whole family thrives under pressure. Its like our family motto or something.
Apart from my brother Peter, of course. He had a nervous breakdown. But the rest of us.
I love my job. I love spotting the loophole in a contract. I love the thrill of
negotiation, and arguing my case, and making the sharpest point in the room. I love the
adrenaline rush of closing a deal.
I suppose just occasionally I do feel as though someones piling heavy weights on me. Like
big concrete blocks, one on top of the other, and I have to keep holding them up, no
matter how exhausted I am...
But then everyone probably feels like that. Its normal.
Your skins very dehydrated. Maya is shaking her head. She runs an expert hand across my
cheek and rests her fingers underneath my jaw, looking concerned. Your heart rates very
high. Thats not healthy. Are you feeling particularly tense?
Works pretty busy at the moment. I shrug. Its just a blip. Im fine. Can we get on with it ?
Well. Maya gets up. She presses a button set in the wall and gentle pan-pipe music fills
the air. All I can say is, youve come to the right place, Samantha. Our aim here is to de-
stress, revitalize, and detoxify.
Lovely, I say, only half listening. Ive just remembered that I never got back to David
Elldridge about the Ukrainian oil contract. I meant to call him yesterday. Shit.
Our aim is to provide a haven of tranquility, away from all your day-to-day worries. Maya
presses another button in the wall, and the light dims to a muted glow. Before we start,
she says softly, do you have any questions?
Actually, I do. I lean forward.
Good! She beams. Are you curious about todays treatments, or is it something more general?
Could I possibly send a quick e-mail? Mayas smile freezes on her face. Just quickly, I
add. It wont take two secs
Samantha, Samantha... Maya shakes her head. Youre here to relax. To take a moment for
yourself. Not to send e-mails. E-mails an obsession! An addiction! As evil as alcohol. Or
For goodness sake, Im not obsessed . I mean, thats ridiculous. I check my e-mails about once every... thirty seconds, maybe.
The thing is, a lot can change in thirty seconds.
And besides, Samantha, Maya goes on. Do you see a computer in this room?
No, I reply, obediently looking around the dim little room, at posters of yoga positions
and a wind chime and a row of crystals arranged on the windowsill.
This is why we ask that you leave all electronic equipment in the safe. No mobile phones
are permitted. No little computers. Maya spreads her arms. This is a retreat. An escape
from the world.
Right. I nod meekly.
Now is probably not the time to reveal that I have a Black-Berry hidden in my paper
So, lets begin. Maya smiles. Lie down, please, under a towel. And remove your watch.
I need my watch!
Another addiction. She tsks reprovingly. You dont need to know the time while youre here.
She turns away, and with reluctance I take off my watch.
Then, a little awkwardly, I arrange myself on the massage table, trying to avoid squashing
my precious Blackberry.
I did see the rule about no electronic equipment. And I did surrender my Dictaphone. But
three hours without a Blackberry? I mean, what if something came up at the office? What if
there was an emergency?
If they really wanted people to relax, they would let them keep their Blackberries and mobile phones, not confiscate them.
Anyway, shell never see it under my towel.
Im going to begin with a relaxing foot rub, says Maya, and I feel her smoothing some kind
of lotion over my feet. Try to clear your mind.
I stare dutifully up at the ceiling. Clear mind. My mind is as clear as a transparent...
What am I going to do about Elldridge? Hell be waiting for a response. What if he tells
the other partners I was lax? What if it affects my chances of partnership?
I feel a clench of alarm. Now is not the time to leave anything to chance. Try to let go
of all your thoughts... Maya is chanting. Feel the release of tension... Maybe I could
send him a very quick e-mail.
Surreptitiously I reach down and feel the hard corner of my Blackberry. Gradually I inch
it out of my paper knickers. Maya is still massaging my feet, totally oblivious.
Your body is growing heavy... your mind should be emptying...
I edge the Blackberry up onto my chest until I can just see the screen underneath the
towel. Thank goodness this room is so dim. Trying to keep my movements to a minimum, I
furtively start typing an e-mail with one hand.
Relaax... Maya is saying in soothing tones. Imagine youre walking along a beach...
Uh-huh... I murmur. David, Im typing. Re ZFN Oil contract. I read through amendments. Feel our response
What are you doing? says Maya, suddenly alert.
Nothing! I say, hastily shoving the Blackberry back under the towel. Just... er...
Maya comes round the couch and looks at the bump in the towel where Im clutching the
Are you hiding something? she says in disbelief.
From under the towel the Blackberry emits a little bleep. Damn.
I think that was a car, I say, trying to sound casual. Outside in the street.
Mayas eyes narrow.
Samantha, she says ominously. Do you have a piece of electronic equipment under there?
I have the feeling that if I dont confess shell rip my towel off anyway.
I was just sending an e-mail, I say at last, and sheepishly produce the Blackberry.
You workaholics! She grabs it out of my hand in exasperation. E-mails can wait . It can all wait . You just dont know how to relax!
Im not a workaholic! I retort indignantly. Im a lawyer! Its different!
Youre in denial. She shakes her head.
Im not ! Look, weve got some big deals on at the firm. I cant just switch off! Especially not
right now. Im... well, Im up for partnership at the moment.
As I say the words aloud I feel the familiar stabbing of nerves. Partner of one of the
biggest law firms in the country. The only thing Ive ever wanted, ever.
Im up for partnership, I repeat, more calmly. They make the decision tomorrow. If it
happens, Ill be the youngest partner in the history of the firm. Do you know how big a
deal that is? Do you have any idea
Anyone can take a couple of hours out, interrupts Maya. She puts her hands on my
shoulders. Samantha, youre incredibly nervy. Your shoulders are rigid, your hearts
racing... it seems to me youre right on the edge.
Youre a bundle of jitters!
You have to decide to slow down, Samantha. She looks at me earnestly. Only you can decide to change your
life. Are you going to do that?
I stop with a squeak of surprise, as from inside my paper knickers there comes a judder.
My mobile phone. I shoved it in there along with the Blackberry and turned it onto VIBRATE
so it wouldnt make a noise.
Whats that? Maya is gaping at my twitching towel. What on earth is that... quivering?
I cant admit its a phone. Not after the Blackberry. Erm... I clear my throat. Its my special...
er... love toy. Your what? Maya looks taken aback. The phone judders inside my pants
again. I have to answer. It might be the office. Um... you know, Im reaching a bit of an
intimate moment right now. I give Maya a
significant look. Maybe you could... uh... leave the room?
Suspicion snaps into Mayas eyes.
Wait a moment! She peers again. Is that a phone under there? You smuggled in a mobile phone as well !
Oh, God. She looks furious.
Look, I say, trying to sound apologetic. I know youve got your rules and everything, which
I do respect, but the thing is, I need my mobile. I reach under the towel for the phone.
Leave it ! Mayas cry takes me by surprise. Samantha, she says, making an obvious effort to keep
calm. If youve listened to a single word Ive said... youll switch the phone off right now.
The phone vibrates again in my hand. I look at the caller ID and feel a twist in my
stomach. Its the office.
They can leave a message. They can wait.
This is your own time. She leans forward and clasps my hands earnestly. Your own time .
She really doesnt get it, does she? I almost want to laugh.
Im an associate at Carter Spink, I explain. I dont have my own time. I flip the phone open and an angry male voice bites down the line.
Samantha, where the hell are you?
Its Ketterman. The head of our corporate department. Hes in his late forties and his first
name is John, but no one ever calls him anything except Ketterman. He has black hair and
steel glasses and gray gimlet eyes, and when I first arrived at Carter Spink I actually
used to have nightmares about him.
The Fallons deal is back on. Get back here now. Meeting at ten-thirty. Back on ? Ill be there as soon as I can. I snap the phone shut and look ruefully at Maya. Sorry.
Im not addicted to my watch.
But obviously I rely on it. You would too, if your time was measured in six-minute
segments. For every six minutes of my working life, Im supposed to bill a client. It all
goes on a computerized time sheet, in itemized chunks.
11:00-11:06 drafted contract for Project A 11:0611:12 amended documentation for Client B
11:1211:18 consulted on point for Agreement C
When I first started at Carter Spink it freaked me out slightly, the idea that I had to
write down what I was working on, every minute of the day. I used to think: What if I do nothing for six minutes? What am 1 supposed to write down then ?
11:0011:06 stared aimlessly out of window 11:0611:12 daydreamed about bumping into George
Clooney in street 11:1211:18 attempted to touch nose with tongue
But if youre a lawyer at Carter Spink, you dont sit around. Not when every six minutes of
your time is worth money. If I let six minutes of time tick away, Ive lost the firm £50.
Twelve minutes, £100. Eighteen minutes, £150. And the truth is, you get used to measuring
your life in little chunks.And you get used to working. All the time.