The Undomestic Goddess (7 page)

You should say, Good afternoon, the Geiger residence, prompts Eddie.

Obediently I get up, walk across the room, and lift the receiver.

Good afternoon, I say in my most charming, head-school-prefect tones. The Geiger
residence. How may I help?

Eddie and Trish look like all their Christmases have come at once.

I wake the next morning to an unfamiliar, smooth white ceiling above me. I frown in
puzzlement, then lift my head a little. The sheets make a strange rumpling sound as I
move. Whats going on? My sheets dont sound anything like that.

But of course. Theyre the Geigers sheets. I sink comfortably back into my pillowsuntil
another thought strikes me. Who are the Geigers?

I screw up my face, trying to remember. I feel as though Im both hungover and still drunk.
Snatches of yesterday are vivid in my mind, amid a dense fog. Im not sure whats real and
whats a dream. I came on the train... yes... I had a headache... Paddington Station...
walking out of the office...

Oh, God. Oh, please, no.

With a sickening whoosh the whole nightmare comes rushing back. The memo. Third Union
Bank. Fifty million pounds. Asking Guy if I had a job left...

His silence...

My career is wrecked. My life as I knew it is over.

At last I push back the covers and get out of bed, feeling weak and spacey. This time
yesterday I was in my kitchen, getting ready for work, blissfully unaware of what was
about to happen. In another worldin a parallel universe to this oneI would be waking up
today a partner of Carter Spink. Id be surrounded by messages of congratulation.

I squeeze my eyes tight, trying to escape the sickening if-only thoughts. If Id seen the
memo earlierif I had a tidier deskifArnold hadnt given me that loan agreement

But theres no point. I walk to the window and take deep gulps of fresh air. What happened
happened. All I can do is deal with it. Until this moment in time my whole life has been
mapped out to the hour. Through exams, through holiday internships, the rungs of the
career ladder... I thought I knew exactly where I was headed. And now I find myself in a
strange room in the middle of the countryside, my career in ruins.

Plus... theres something else. Somethings nagging at me. A final piece of the jigsaw still
missing in my dazed brain. Itll come to me in a minute.

I lean against the windowsill and watch a man on the distant horizon walking his dog.
Maybe things are salvageable. Maybe its not all as bad as I thought. Guy didnt actually say Id lost my job. I have to call himand find out just how bad it is. I take a deep breath
and run my hands through my tangled hair. God, I flipped out yesterday. When I consider
the way I acted, running out of the office, jumping on a train... I was really on another
planet. If it werent for the Geigers being so understanding

My train of thought halts abruptly.

The Geigers.

Something about the Geigers. Something Im not remembering... something thats ringing
slight alarm bells...

I turn round and focus on a blue dress hanging on the wardrobe door. Some kind of uniform,
with piping. Why would there be a

The alarm bells are getting louder. Theyre starting to clang wildly. Its coming back to me
like some kind of terrible, drunken dream.

Did I take a job as a housekeeper?

For a few instants I cannot move. Oh, God. What have I done? What have I done ?

My heart starts to thump as I take in my situation properly for the first time. I am
staying in a strange couples house under completely false pretenses. Ive slept in their
bed. Im wearing one of Trishs old T-shirts. They even gave me a toothbrush, after I
invented a suitcase-stolen-on-the-train story. The last thing I remember is hearing Trish
gloating on the phone. Shes English! she was saying. Yes, speaks English perfectly! Super girl. Cordon Bleu trained!

Ill have to tell them it was all lies.

Theres a rapping at my bedroom door and I jump in fright.

Samantha? Trishs voice comes through the door. May I come in?

Oh! Urn...yes!

The door opens and Trish appears, wearing pale pink exercise clothes with a diamante logo.

Ive made you a cup of tea, she says, handing me the mug with a formal smile. Mr. Geiger
and I would like you to feel very welcome in our house.

Oh! I swallow nervously. Thanks. Mrs. Geiger, theres something I need to tell you. Im not
a housekeeper. Somehow the words dont make it out of my mouth.

Trishs eyes have narrowed as though shes already regretting her kind gesture. Dont think
youll be getting this every day, of course! But since you werent feeling well last
night... She taps her watch. Now youd better get dressed. Well expect you down in ten
minutes. We only have a light breakfast as a rule. Toast and coffee. Then we can discuss
the menu for the week.

Er... OK, I say feebly.

She closes the door and I put the tea down. Oh, fuck. What am I going to do?

OK. Prioritize. I need to call the office. Find out exactly how bad the situation is. With
a spasm of apprehension I reach inside my bag for my mobile phone.

The display is blank. I tap it in frustration, but the battery must have run out. I must
have been so spaced out

yesterday I forgot to charge it. I pull out my charger, plug it into the wall, and attach
the phone. At once it starts charging up.

I wait for the signal to appear... but theres no bloody signal. How am I going to call the
office? How am I going to do anything ? I cannot exist without my mobile phone.

Suddenly I remember passing a telephone on the landing. It was on a table in a little
window bay. Maybe I could use that. I open my bedroom door and look up and down the
corridor. No ones about. Cautiously I creep into the bay and lift the receiver. The dial
tone rings in my ear. I take a deep breaththen dial the direct line forArnold . It isnt
nine yet, but hell be in.

Arnold Savilles office, comes the cheerful voice of Lara, his secretary.

Lara, I say nervously. Its Samantha. Samantha Sweeting.

Samantha ? Lara sounds so gobsmacked, I wince. Oh my God! What happened? Where are you? Everyones been She draws herself up.

I... Im out ofLondon right now. May I speak withArnold ?

Of course. Hes right here... She disappears briefly into chirpy Vivaldi, before the line
clears again.

Samantha.Arnold s friendly, assured voice booms down the line. My dear girl. Youve got
yourself in a pickle, havent you?

OnlyArnold could describe the loss of a clients £50 mil lion as a pickle. In spite of
everything, I feel the beginnings of a smile. I can just picture him, in his waistcoat,
his woolly eyebrows knitting together.

I know, I say, trying to match his understated tones now.

Its... not great.

Im obliged to point out that your hasty departure yesterday did not help matters.

I know. Im so sorry. I just... panicked.

Understandable. However, you left a bit of a mess behind.

BeneathArnold s jolly veneer I can hear unfamiliar levels of stress.Arnold never gets
stressed. Things must be really bad...

I want to fall to the floor in a groveling heap, crying, Im so sorry! But that wouldnt
help. Ive already been unprofessional enough.

Sowhats the latest situation? Im trying to sound matter-of-fact. Is there anything the
receivers can do?

I think it unlikely. They say their hands are tied.

Right. His response is like a hammer blow to the stomach. So thats it. The fifty million
is gone for good. And...the insurers?

That is the next step, of course. The money will be recovered eventually, Im sure. But not
without complications. As I think you will appreciate.

I know, I whisper.

Theres no good news. Theres no silver lining. Ive fucked up.

Arnold... I say, my voice quivering. I have no idea how I could have made such a... a stupid mistake. I dont under stand how it happened. I dont even remember seeing the memo on my
desk

Where are you now?Arnold breaks in.

Im... I look helplessly out the window at the Geigers gravel drive. To be honest, I dont
even know exactly where I am.

You dont know?

Im in the country somewhere. But I can come back right now! My words tumble out. Ill get
on the first train... Ill only be a few hours...

I dont think thats a good idea. Theres a new edge toArnold s voice, which pulls me up
short.

Have I... have I been fired?

There have been slightly more pressing matters to consider, Samantha. He sounds testy.

Of course. I feel the blood rush back into my head. Im sorry. I just... Ive been with
Carter Spink all my working life. All I ever, ever wanted was...

I cant even say it.

Samantha, I know youre a very talented lawyer.Arnold sighs. No one is in any doubt of that.

But I made a mistake.

I can hear tiny crackles down the line; my own pulse beating in my ears.

Samantha, Ill do everything I can, he says at last. I might as well tell you, a meeting
has been arranged this morning to discuss your future.

And you honestly dont think I should come in? I bite my lip.

It might do more harm than good at the moment. Stay where you are. Leave the rest to
me.Arnold hesitates, his voice a little gruff. Ill do my best, Samantha. I promise.

Thank you so much... I say quickly. But hes gone. Slowly I put down the phone.

I have never felt so powerless in my life. I have a sudden vision of them all sitting
gravely round a conference table.Arnold . Ketterman. Maybe even Guy. Deciding whether to
give me another break.

Theres still a chance. IfArnold is on my side, others might be too...

Super girl.

I jump at the sound of Trishs approaching voice. Well, of course Ill check her references,
but, Gillian, I am a very good judge of character. Im not easily fooled...

Trish rounds the corner, holding a mobile to her ear, and I quickly move away from the
telephone.

Samantha! she says in surprise. What are you doing? Still not dressed? Buck up! She heads
off again and I scuttle back to my room.

I suddenly feel bad.

In fact... I feel terrible. How are the Geigers going to react when I tell them Im a total
fraud? That Im not a trained Cordon Bleu housekeeper at all, I just wanted a place to stay
for the night?

I have a sudden image of them bundling me furiously out of the house. Feeling totally
used. Maybe theyll even call the police and file charges. Oh, God. This could get really
nasty.

But, I mean, its not like I have any other option. Its not like I could actually... ...
Could I? I pick up the blue uniform and finger it, my mind whirling round and round.

Theyve been so kind, putting me up. Its not like Im doing anything else right now. Its not
like I have anywhere else to go. Maybe itll even take my mind off things, doing a little
light housework

Abruptly I come to a decision.

Ill busk it for a morning. It cant be that hard. Ill make their toast and dust the
ornaments or whatever. Ill think of it as my little thank-you to them. Then as soon as I
hear fromArnold Ill find a convincing excuse to leave. And the Geigers will never know I
wasnt a proper housekeeper.

Hurriedly I put on my uniform and run a comb through my hair. Then I stand to face myself
in the mirror.

Good morning, Mrs. Geiger, I say to my reflection. And... er... how would you like the
drawing room dusted?

The Geigers are standing at the bottom of the stairs looking up at me as I descend. I have
never felt more self-conscious in my life.

Im a housekeeper. I must behave like a housekeeper.

Welcome, Samantha! says Eddie as I arrive down in the hall. Hes wearing a polo shirt with
some crested logo, and golfing trousers. Sleep all right?

Very well, thank you, Mr. Geiger, I reply demurely.

Thats good! Eddie rocks back and forth on the soles of his feet. He seems just a little
awkward. In fact... they both seem awkward. Underneath the makeup, the tans, the expensive
clothes... there seems a hint of uncertainty about the Geigers.

I walk over to the bench seat and straighten a cushion, trying to look as though I know
what Im doing.

Youll be wanting to get to know your new kitchen! says Trish brightly. Of course! I say
with a confident smile. Im...looking forward to it! Its only a kitchen. Its only one
morning. I can do this.

Trish leads the way into the vast maple kitchen, and this time I try to take in the
details. Theres a huge hob set into the granite counter to my left. A bank of ovens built
into the wall.

Everywhere I look I can see shiny chrome gadgets plugged into sockets. Racks of saucepans
and implements of all descriptions are hanging overhead in a jumble of stainless steel.

Youll want to get it the way you like it, of course, says Trish, gesturing around. Just
change anything you like. Knock it into shape. Youre the professional!

Theyre both looking at me expectantly.

Absolutely, I say in a businesslike way. Obviously I have my own... um... systems. That
shouldnt be there, for example. I point randomly at a small metal gadget resembling a
torpedo. The... um...

Juice extractor, supplies Trish.

Exactly. Ill have to move it.

Really? Trish looks fascinated. Whys that?

Theres a beat of silence. Even Eddie looks interested.

Kitchen... ergonomic... theory, I improvise. So, youd like toast for breakfast? I add
quickly.

Toast for both of us, says Trish. Whole wheat. And coffee with skim milk.

Coming up. I smile, feeling slight relief.

I can make toast. And the bread bin is helpfully marked Bread .

So, Ill just bring that through in a moment, I add, trying to chivvy them out. Would you
like to eat in the dining room?

Theres a small crash from the hall.

Thatll be the newspaper, says Trish. Yes, you may serve breakfast in the dining room. She
hurries out, but Eddie loiters in the kitchen.

You know, Ive changed my mind. He gives me a jovial smile. Forget the toast, Samantha. Ill
have your famous eggs Benedict. You whetted my appetite last night!

Last night? What did I say last Oh, Jesus. Eggs Benedict. My famous signature dish as
beloved by Lord Edgerly.