The Unexpected List (The List Trilogy) (26 page)

“That’s right…they moved in May, didn’t they?”

“Oh, geez, remember the freak rain storm that day?”  Chuckling at the memory, “Craig and I were scrambling to get the couch from the U-Haul into the house before it got drenched.”

“And you dropped it!  Kelly and I were laughing our asses off.  We were in the living room, unpacking boxes…watching you guys fumble around…”  My voice trails off as I say, “…she was just pregnant with Kendall.”

“Are you okay, Chrissy?”

“No.  Are you?”

“No.”

“Will we ever be?”

“I hope so, for Kendall’s sake.”

After a long pause, I turn to him, “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, Kurt.  It’s really scary.”

“Me neither, but she’s only four, it’s not like she’s been through this before and can correct our mistakes, right?”

“How do you do that?”

“Do what?”

“Stay positive all of the time.”

“Trust me, you taught me how to see the negative in all kinds of things.”

“I knew you were gonna say that.”

“What was that you said after you tormented Kayla at the house in Orinda?  Oh yeah, it was just too easy.” And then he shows me a sliver of his infamous half smile.

“I guess I deserved that.”

I see his eyes shift down to my ring finger and his mood takes a nose dive. “And a whole lot more if you ask me.”  And now his smile’s gone.

“And, why do you do that?”

“Do what?”

“Flip-flop your emotions.  It’s like one minute you can go from being nice and cracking jokes with me to the next when you clearly hate my guts.”

“Just drop it.  I’ll go lock up.”

“C’mon, Kurt, I know I deserve all of the crap you throw at me and it would make more sense if you hated me one hundred percent of the time, but sometimes you give me these little signals that we might be able to have a working relationship and then other times you’re cutting me down.  I never know where you mind is.”

“You wanna know where my mind is?  It’s with Kendall all of the time.  And, I can have a working relationship with you, for her.  I think I’ve proven that to you. But, when I remember what’s-his-name is coming back, and he’ll have a hand in raising her, it makes me sick. That’s why my emotions flip-flop.”

How will things ever be normal for Kendall when Kurt calls Leo, ‘what’s-his-name’, and Leo calls Kurt, ‘numb nuts?’  This parenting set up is doomed.

“What am I supposed to do, Kurt?  I mean, think about it, we’re divorced.  I was bound to meet someone eventually and probably get married again.  You are too.  Is this how you expect me to act when you bring a woman into the picture?  Am I supposed to give her an insulting nick name and act angry all of the time?”

“Yeah, if she was fucking me while we were married.”

Yep, this parenting set up is definitely doomed.

“You know what?  You’re right.  And, I know you don’t believe me, but I’d give anything for things to have happened differently.  But, if it’s Kendall’s happiness you’re concerned with you’re going to have to find a way to handle your emotions, and what’s-his-name will have to too.  Because, I swear to God, I won’t let anything stand in the way of that girl’s happiness.  I mean it, Kurt.  I’ll rip that visitation away from you faster than you can say Yosemite National Forest, and I’ll break off my engagement with Leo faster than he can say capital divided if you two can’t get your shit together!  Got it?”

Instead of threatening me right back, Kurt doubles over and starts laughing like crazy.

“What are you laughing at?  I’m serious!”

“It’s Yosemite National
Park
and capital
dividend
!”

I’m only able to hold back my own laughter for two seconds and then it takes us way more than that to compose ourselves.

“Oh, man…why am I so damn stupid?”

“Oh stop, you’re not stupid.”

And now more seriously, I confess, “I’m gonna screw that little girl up, I just know it.”

“Not a chance.  All it takes is love, and she tells me all of the loving things you do for her.  I hear about the places you take her, the songs you sing her…the food you
try
to cook her.  You’re doing a good job, so don’t beat yourself up and certainly don’t call yourself stupid.  You’re far from it.”

“So, I’m not as bad of a mom as you always thought I’d be, huh?”

Clearly disgusted with himself, “I might’ve said some stupid stuff to you over the years, but I hope you believe me when I tell you I never meant for any of it to make you feel inadequate.”

“But, can you see now how it would’ve?”

“Obviously.  We’re standing here divorced and you have that thing on your finger.”  After a long pause he looks back toward the house and murmurs, “I think we’re done here.  You ready to lock it up?”

Feeling overwhelming sadness at the finality of it all, I exhale, “I don’t think I can.”

“I’ll take care of it.  Why don’t you head to my house to pick up Kendall.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.  My time ends with her at five o’clock sharp.  I’d hate to lose my visitation because I didn’t have her ready for you in time.”

“Hey, I’m not that mean!”  Pausing before I open my car door, I turn back to him.

“Kurt?”

“Yep?”

“Thank you…for everything.  I never could’ve done this without you.”

“No problem.”

Just when I’m about to close my door he yells back, “Hey Chrissy…”

“Yeah?”

“How come what’s-his-name didn’t offer to help?”

 “I never asked him to.”

“Why’s that?”

Looking back up at the house, “I guess I needed to mourn it without explaining exactly what it was I was mourning.”

“That makes sense.  I bet he hates getting dragged back into your past.  One of the downsides of starting over, huh?”

“I wish it wasn’t that way, but yeah.”

“I remember that with Kayla.  I felt like she couldn’t possibly understand the pain associated with my losses because she wasn’t around to celebrate the joys once linked to them.”

Even though Leo is about as compassionate as any man could possibly be, Kurt’s right.  He’ll never truly understand how heartbreaking my divorce was or how painful the deaths of my dear friends were.  It’s like Kurt’s the only person in the world who can identify with what I’ve gone through.

Gazing back at the house, “I hate to be the dramatic one all of the time, but it kinda feels like the end of an era.”

“Not dramatic at all.  What lived in this house was supposed to be forever, but something came along and messed things up.  I can probably relate to that sentiment more than anyone else.”  And then he walked inside to lock all of the doors.

I'm knocking down buildings

Searching high and low

l'm looking for a feeling

Just one more time before I go

(Back to Her, Five Way Friday)

Lube and Tune

April, 2002

“Hunny, you know what your problem is?”

“That’s good news-- I only have one?”

“You need to get laid.”

“Well unless I can screw myself, I don’t see that happening anytime soon. Leo’s knee deep into this Hedge thing and I can’t find a two-day gap in my schedule to make the quick trip to New York.  Besides, even if Kurt picked Kendall up from school on a Friday afternoon, it only gives me thirty-seven hours with Leo until I have to be back on Sunday.  Hardly satisfying.”

“Why don’t you just ask Kurt to take her for an extra day?”

“No way!  It’s not what Kelly wanted.”

“Well I bet she didn’t want your huha to go to waste either!  And, would you look at yourself?  You’re starting to look like…a mom.”

Walking over to a full length mirror in one of the studios, I too am repulsed by what I’m looking at.  The roots of my blond hair are grown out to Courtney Love-like proportions, my eyebrows are now an
eyebrow
and my outfit looks like something I pulled out of the lost and found.

“Tsk-tsk...You’re starting to look like Barbara before I got my hands on her.”

“Oh my God, when did this happen?”

“December.  When Leo left.”

“I better make some appointments and get myself back on track.  He’s supposed to move back next month.”

Exhaling as I look in the mirror and play with the dark strands of hair dangling in my eyes, “I’ve got to do something about this.  One look at me and he’ll rip this ring off of my finger and catch the first flight back to New York.”

“Here doll, this should help.”

Taking a small red box from the palm of my sweet Slutty Co-worker’s hand, I flash her a look that says, “what have you done?”  Then I open it.

“Oh my gosh, this is a two day spa retreat at The Ritz Carlton in Half Moon Bay!  ARE YOU SERIOUS?”

“Yep, and you better get going.  Your cut and color starts in two hours!  And hunny…do yourself a favor and wax more than those eyebrows.  If the carpet matches the drapes…you’re in some serious trouble!”

Jumping up and down like a four-year old, my rejoicing comes to an abrupt halt when I remember I have a four-year-old.

“Shit.  I can’t go.  Kendall.”

“Such a good mommy.  But, even the best mommies need a break.  It’s all taken care of.”

“How?”

“Megan’s picking up Kendall from school and taking her to Kurt’s.”

Adamantly shaking my head, “I can’t ask her to do that.”

“You didn’t, I did.  Listen, it’s his two days with her anyway, who cares who delivers her to him.  Besides, she wants to talk to him about that Nepal charity crap.” Placing my car keys in my hand and nudging me out the door, “All you have to do is go home to pack your bag.  Oh!  And hunny, here’s one more little gift.  But don’t open it until you’re told to.”

“Told to by who?”

“Me.  I’ll call you tonight.  Now get going!”

On the way to The Ritz, in between shaking the box that Slutty Co-worker told me not to open, I try to call Leo to tell him about my surprise.  But to my disappointment he never picks up.  Never-the-less, I make it to my afternoon of pampered bliss and immediately forget about the letdown of not hearing his voice.  I get cut, colored, massaged, waxed, mani’d and pedi’d to absolute death and then float out of the spa and into my room where I order room service.  After staring at myself in the mirror and proudly proclaiming, “Now there’s my girl!” I get all cozy in a big white fluffy robe and then make my way to the balcony to enjoy the ocean view.  My enjoyment is immediately disrupted by the countless number of couples I see walking hand in hand along the shoreline.  Just as I’m beginning to feel sad about being all alone at such a fabulous resort, a loud knock pulls me away from the melancholy moment. I pull my robe tighter as I make my way to the door and open it expecting to find my Cobb salad.

“Oh my God!  Leo!”

Rushing into his arms, I nearly knock him over, kissing his face, his neck, his eyes, his ears…anywhere my lips land.

“Are you really here?”

He cups my face in his hands and with that voice that will forever spellbind me, he says, “Yes, baby, I’m really here.”

It’s been months since I’ve had his arms around me and I’ll die if I have to go that long without them again.  There’s so much to talk about, so many details about our new life together with Kendall, and so many things I want to know about his new business, but everything can wait because there is so much about each other’s body that we have to get reacquainted with. 

Closing the door with his foot and throwing his bag to the ground, Leo keeps one hand on my neck while he kisses me and unties my robe with the other.  Thank you, Lord Jesus, who I’m still struggling to believe in…I’m
soooo
glad I paid extra to get the super lube and tune wax job!  I tear off his belt and rip the buttons off of his shirt while trying to remove it.  The scent of him makes my legs go weak and each inhalation makes them weaker.  Every girl part attached to my body is throbbing and I don’t care about anything other than having him inside me.  Mercifully, within thirty seconds of laying eyes on my love, that’s exactly where he is.

Over and over again I keep saying, “I never want you to stop, I never want you to stop.”  Breathlessly, he whispers back, “Not until you tell me to, baby…not until you tell me to.”

My hands travel from his shoulders to his forearms and then back up, taking in all of his strength.  Then they trail down the middle of his back and rest on the lower part of his hips where I can feel his muscles tighten with every thrust.  I’m in absolute heaven with his intoxicating smell, his breathless confidence and his powerful focus until…

“Oh my God!  Stop! Stop! Stop!”

Slowing down but not leaving me, he smiles and says “No way, baby.”

Pushing him off of me, “I’m serious, Leo!  You have to take it out!”

Now lying beside me, he breathlessly admits, “That didn’t go as well as I planned.”

Out of breath myself, I explain, “I’m not on any birth control.  I never got that other shot, and I have no idea when my last period was.  Jesus, it’s like I can’t keep track of anything anymore!”

Climbing back on top of me like he could care less about what I just said, I push him away again.

“Are you crazy? 
We just got Kendall!  We can’t risk another one, not right now.”

“Remember the night we met?”

“Yeah…”

“Did you plan for it to happen?”

“That would be a big, NO!”

“Would you say meeting me was the best thing to ever happen to you?”

“Of course.”

“Do you still plan on marrying me?”

“Leo!  Yes and why are you asking me these questions?”

“Remember that one time we were in Monterey and I pointed out that woman who was pregnant and I told you I couldn’t wait until you looked like her.”

“How could I ever forget?”

“I meant what I said.  Chrissy, not one damn thing about our relationship has been conventional.” Now laughing, “The timing of us having a baby is irrelevant to me…” Moving back on top of me, “…it’s the fact that we’ll be together forever that matters.”