The Unusual Life of Tristan Smith (62 page)

Chemin Rouge, 426

Deposition given by Margaret Kram, Produkter, to the Bhurgercourt of Voorstand

It came to me disguised as one of God’s Creatures. Its true nature was monstrous, like the Hairy Man, the thing with scales that Bruder Duck saw in the woods, the little black thing that swished its tail and stamped its foot with rage.

It was charming, ingratiating, with numerous stories and songs. It walked upon the public street, moving without let or hindrance amongst the folk. It performed many tricks, some with eggs and spoons. I never saw it eat or heard it complain of hunger. It would never show its face.

It said it had no wish to come to Voorstand, that it came only to see ‘My Father’. It lived inside the skin of the Mouse. It spoke with the voice of a man. It said it lived on air. It said it was born in ‘the Shadows of the Sirkus’. It said it had drunk ‘the Light of your Dreams’ and lived ‘in the Penumbra of your Lives’.

For a brief time, to my great shame, I fell under its spell. When I saw its true nature, I asked it, what have we done to you that you should bear us such enmity?

It had no reason.

angels
to see the angels
, to have an orgasm

ASM
Assistant Stage Manager (standard English)

awert
newspaper advertisement, particularly a small or ‘classified’ advertisement

bandock
nappy or diaper. From Voorstand English
banddoek

ballot
idiot, jerk. From French
ballotter
, ‘to shake up’ – thus, one who has had his brain shaken up

baton
penis

bazooley
1. that which you are passionate about. 2. a prize, jackpot, winning bet. Also:
bazoohley

Benny bouftou
From French colloq.
beni-bouflou
, lit: ‘a blessed eater of everything’

biche-la-mar
sea cucumbers or trepang. Also:
bicho do mur.
Corruption of French
bèche-de-mer

Bride
pint of beer, so named for its foaming white ‘train’

brique bleu
unusually large molluscs (of the Gastropod class) harvested by first century
EC
Efican dyeworks. A source of ‘Efican Blue’. Lit: ‘blue bricks’

cambruce
a hick, farmer, an inhabitant of Nez Noir. Probably a corruption of French
cambroussard

cancerette
cigarette

case-latrine
poor quality red wine. From French
caisse poitrine
, lit: ‘chest-breaker’

cash parole
automatic teller machine card

casserole
a spotlight

couchette
a small bed or crib, sometimes a small bedroom

Croco cristi
untranslatable expletive with origins in first century
EC
cant.
Christi
possibly from Sacristi or Holy Cow,
Croco
from Crocodile

croix cakes
round poppy-seed cakes. The
croix
(French ‘cross’) may have its origins in the cross-hatched pattern of icing

dab
father, dad

demi-botte
gumboot, Wellington. Also:
demi, demon

dos-sack
back-pack

dreck
shit. From Yiddish

Enteralis
any tree of the predominantly Efican genus
Enteralis

facheur
thief. Corruption of French
faucher
, ‘to steal’

frere
comrade

frippes
trousers, threads. From French
frippes
, ‘wrinkles’. Also:
thrippes

ganja
dried leaves of the Indian hemp plant
Cannabis sativa.
From Hindi
gaja
, from Sanskrit
grnja

Gardiacivil
police

gazetted
to be married. From first and second centuries
EC
, when civil marriages were published in the Government gazette

gen
a man, a gent

governor
to work for the governor
is to work for the ruling class, to be a stool pigeon, to be untrustworthy

illico presto
immediately; hurry it up. From Italian
presto

jon-kay
money. From French colloq.
jonc, joncaille.
Also: John Kay

Jules
man in general

Lasto-net
synthetic bandage developed in Efica 370
EC
. Lasto-net is the registered copyright of Hellas Enterprises

Leko
an ellipsoidal reflective spotlight

lever man
a burglar specializing in forced entry

lolo
breast. Most likely from French child’s cry for milk,
‘lait, lait’

loup
mad, rabid

meccano
equestrian rig invented by Spencer Q. Stokes to train bare-back riders. A central post supports an arm like the jib of a crane from which the student is suspended

mo-ami
my friend. Corruption of French
mon ami

mobile-amor
sedan chair

mo-chou
common endearment. Corruption of French
mon chou-fleur
, ‘my cauliflower’

mollo mollo
relax, take it easy

Mongrel Day
a warm, overcast, windy day

mo-poulet
common endearment, lit: ‘my chicken’

Moosone
the wet season

mouette
a gull-like bird indigenous to the southern islands of Efica

Muddy
Member of the Efican Democratic Party

mug-wallop
untranslatable abusive term. Probably cant, from first century
EC

musico
a flatterer, a crook. Also: a musician

parsley
pubic hair.
To put the asparagus in the parsley
, to have sexual intercourse

patapoof
a fat person

pea and thimble man
a fairground con-man

penguin
policeman

perroquet
a green drink made from crushed ice, green lime cordial, seltzer. From French
perroqet
, ‘parrot’

petite tente
small tent used by family circuses in islands of Efica

petticon
little cunt (esp. vulg.). Corruption of French
petite con

pissmarie
a nurse (vulg.). From
santamarie

playing card
small fish, usually silver bream

porpoise
penis

rak-rok block
three-dimensional jigsaw invented in Efica, now manufactured under licence in Europe and Voorstand

rikiki
the little finger, an under-sized person, a 4 fl.oz. glass of beer. Corruption of French
riquiqui

ringhard
a bad actor. From colloq. French
ringard
, ‘a real zero’

riveter
a homosexual (vulg.)

roteuse
any effervescent wine, sometimes champagne. Possibly from French
roter
, ‘to burp’

santamarie
a nurse

shapoh
the boss, the person in charge. From first century
EC
, most likely from French
chapeau

shooting star
prostitute

skipjack
fish of the genus
Pomatomus
common in Efican waters

sorcier
(as in
Pin-ball sorcier)
a share trader who uses computers to make buying and selling decisions

sock
car tyre

soup server
an actor who plays small roles

spanker
backside

Sparrowgrass
common name for a tall thin person

spin drier
a woman who extracts money from men. Very strong connotation of ‘drying’ as relating to male ejaculation

Starbuck
first two rows in the Efican circus, traditionally marked with stencilled stars. These seats have backs, hence also:
starback

tarboof
nose

Teuf-teuf
onomatopoeia for sound an old car makes

tin-tin
a dyer. First century
EC
, from French
teinturier

toubib
a doctor. From Arabic

tringler
penis

valsir
backside. From French
valseur
, lit: ‘waltzer’

vedette
a celebrity

vert-walk
narrow band of mown grass between footpath and kerb-side in Efican coastal towns

violin
prison

violiniste
an ex-con

walloper
see
gardiacivil

zine
any printed journal or news sheet. From English
magazine

air-kool
air-conditioning

Beanbredie
bean stew, a dish much beloved of Bruder Mouse in the Badberg Tales. See recipe in
Bruder Mouse and the English gjent

bhalam
a string banjo favoured by many Pow-pow musicians, but not known in Voorstand until last century

bhurger
a citizen (Voorstand spelling of the standard English
burgher)

Bhurger-court
one of the two courts of Voorstand; the other, higher, court is the Guildcourt

blikk
1. a car (colloq.) 2. a tin can

bottelier
wine waiter

bullschtool
bullshit

Cyborg
see Simulacrum

deskmajoor
the concierge in a hotel or apartment building, a role often taken by retired soldiers of the Voorstand Armed Forces – hence
majoor
(‘major’) from Dutch. See also
wheelmajoor
, sparkmajoor

Dome
a specially constructed theatre for the presentation of the Voorstand Sirkus

facilitator
someone who earns their living by ‘facilitating’ the illegal entry of aliens into Voorstand

filtreeder
a water filtration tower designed to cleanse the polluted water table of Saarlim City

Folkghost
spirits in the Badberg tales who often appear in times of crisis to impart wisdom to the Bruders

footsack
to go away; (trans.) to kick away, dismiss. Originally
voertsek
from Dutch
voert
, ‘a foot’

gaaf
as in
gaaf-morning
, ‘good morning’, a usage of
gaaf that
does not seem to have existed in old Dutch

Geloof
faith

geld-band
a gold belt or band which marked the magical characters in the Badberg tales. A popular fashion accessory at the time of this history

Ghostdorp
a theme park devoted to historical re-enactments, often located on actual historical sights. From Dutch
dorp
, ‘a town’

gjent
a man. Also:
business-gjent

gjil
a woman

gondel
a water taxi. From Dutch
gondel
, ‘a gondola’

hearth
home, family. Hearth folk are those, whether related or not, who are considered kin. Also:
heart folk

Hollandse Maagd
Dutch Maid

hunning
common endearment, lit: ‘honey’

kak
shit

Kakdorp
lit: shit-town

kanal
canal

karakter
a not easily translatable code of behaviour that encompasses both table manners and moral fibre

klootsac
a disaster. From Dutch, lit: ‘testicle’
(kloot)
, ‘bag’
(sac).
(esp. vulg.)

kraker
a squatter

kraal
corral

landloper
itinerant

liefling
darling, from Dutch

loop-de-loop
an autograph or signature, particularly of a flamboyant nature

Meneer
mister

minebroo
brother

misdaad boy
a member of a gang, lit: ‘crime-boy’

odeklonje
any perfumed toilet water

ootlander
a foreigner. Corruption of Dutch
buitenlander.
Lit: ‘someone from outside our land’

platz
town square

Pow-pow
originally captured soldiers and their families (Prisoners of War) and later illegal immigrants who came to make up the low end of the labour pool.
Pow-pow music
is the distinctive music produced by a large and disparate group

prikkeled
irritated. From Dutch
prikkelen

produkter
Sirkus entrepreneur

raagbol pudding
vegetable pudding in which the thin strips of carrot visible through the dough are suggestive of a mop or a mop of hair. Also:
Pope’s head Pudding.
From Dutch
ragebol
, ‘a mop of hair’