The Vacant Chair (11 page)

Chapter Eleven

During her light duties the next day, Brianna felt much improved except for the lingering fatigue, and was grateful to be on the mend. Her father’s death and Justin’s announcement that he was leaving weighed heavy on her heart. She resisted the temptation to go to him, driven by self-preservation to start shoring up the defenses that lay in ruin around her heart, some part of her hoping it might hurt less that way when he left. Back in her tent that evening, she caught sight of her drawn face in the mirror and stared at her reflection. She looked awful. Pale skin, dark circles beneath her eyes.

She washed up, placed her towel back on its peg and escaped into the cool evening air. Breathing deep, she headed toward the copse of oaks along the riverbank to think about what she was going to do.

The hospital was no place for her right now. She wanted to go home.

It seemed strange to think of returning there after being away so long. Maybe rather than merely visit, she should take a leave of absence to see to her father’s affairs. Perhaps she could get everything in order before Morgan came back when the war ended. The depot hospital was moving to Grant’s base at City Point in a few days anyway, and she needed a reprieve from nursing. She was in no condition to look after anyone and refused to burden the staff by not doing her share. No matter how much it would hurt to enter the empty house or to visit Caleb’s grave again, she had to go home.

Brianna pressed her lips together and fought back the pressure of tears. Crying was pointless. She needed to take back control of her life, start moving forward again.

She’d just reached the riverbank when hushed footfalls approached behind her. She whirled around.

Justin was walking toward her, his strides stiff and measured due to his wounded side. He wore his freshly laundered uniform trousers and shirtsleeves, the collar of his shirt open. Although her heart tripped at the sight of him, she glanced away. There was no way she could maintain an emotional distance from him.

“Brianna?” His low voice almost undid what was left of her composure. “Are you all right?” When she didn’t answer, he set his hands on her shoulders and gently turned her around.

She squeezed her eyes shut at the contact and bit her lip.

“Ella-May saw you come down here and came to get me. Tell me what’s wrong,” he urged.

She looked up at him, eyes stinging, no matter how hard she fought the tears. Where to start? “My fath—” She pressed her lips together to choke back a sob.
Hold on. One breath at a time.
She paused and took a shaky inhalation, then another, until she had control once more.

“Your father?” he finished for her, searching her face. He dwarfed her with his size, made her long to hide in his arms.

Instead she nodded, exhaled. “He died of pneumonia a few weeks ago. I found out the day I got sick.” Her voice caught. She swallowed and cleared her throat. “First my mother, then Caleb, now my father. The last letter I received from Morgan was dated almost six weeks ago—he could be gone too.” The pain gouged her but she forced the words out. “He and my father had a falling out. Hadn’t seen or spoken to each other since the day Morgan left for the front. My father threatened to shoot him.”
He nearly shot me instead.
The shock on Justin’s face made her close her eyes against the weight of it all. “If my brother’s gone, there’s no one left.”

And now you’re leaving me, too.
She would never say it aloud. The last thing she wanted was his pity.

 Justin made a low sound and slipped his arms around her back to draw her to him. She pushed against his shoulders, afraid she would cry. He didn’t relent. “Angel, I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”

She shook her head and held herself rigid. The pain worsened when he touched her, reminding her of all she couldn’t have. It tore her apart.

The muscles beneath her hands flexed as he eased her nearer, his strong arms closing about her. “Stop fighting it.”

“No.” Struggling to hold in the sobs, she twisted away, but he wouldn’t let go. She didn’t want to risk pulling his wounds so she stilled when he kept insisting, her muscles so tight they trembled. “Let me go.”

He didn’t. “I can’t.”

Oh,
God.

With a choked sound, she gave way to the unstoppable tide of grief and leaned against him, her face pressed into his chest. Justin sighed and held her tight, cradling her against his body. Sheltering and protecting her. Ragged sobs tore from her no matter how hard she fought to contain them, sharp and painful.

“Let it go,” he murmured into her hair. “I’ve got you.”

His stubbled cheek rested on the top of her head while his body absorbed her shudders. He held her in silence, not trying to placate her, and stroked her hair until she quieted and sagged against him. His quiet acceptance of her grief allowed her to remain burrowed against him during the last quivering gasps. The warmth of his body surrounded her, seeping into her cold skin. It had been so long since she’d had someone to lean on, and he was so big and solid. 

Then she felt a sudden tension in him, the subtlest shift in his muscles.

She stiffened when Dr. Healey’s voice called out from behind them. “She all right?”

Justin shielded her from view with his body. “She’s fine.”

Her stomach dropped. What would Healy do? He could have her dismissed for this. The silence stretched out, thickening by the second. Unable to stand it a moment longer, she peeked around Justin’s shoulder.

Healey was staring at them, his expression a combination of concern and barely leashed jealousy. “I’m sure you are aware that Mrs. Taylor has her reputation to consider,” he said in a flat voice. “Certain kinds of gossip could ruin her career, not to mention her good name.”

She sucked in a breath, but Justin merely nodded, his arms steady about her. “I’m aware of that.”

Healey smiled thinly. “Yes, well, just be sure to have her back to her quarters before anyone else stumbles upon you. You seem to have everything under control. As usual,” he added under his breath as he trudged away.

As soon as his footsteps faded, Brianna let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. “Thank you,” she said with a sniff and pulled out of Justin’s embrace to wipe her face with her sleeve.

“Here,” he offered, brushing tears away with his hands. Then he gingerly sank down to sit on the riverbank and drew her down beside him. He draped his right arm across her shoulders and gazed out at the water.

Night was closing in. Visible beyond the treetops, the three-quarter moon touched the river with its pale rays as the water flowed past them, each ripple sparkling like diamonds. The cicadas sang their evening serenade, creating a lullaby with the breeze whispering through the canopy of oak leaves above them. The damp scent of the river drifted up to blend with the green of the grass. What was Justin thinking? She waited for him to speak.

“The letter about your father,” he finally said. “You read it while you were in my tent, didn’t you?”

She nodded.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He leaned back enough to meet her eyes. “About any of this?”

“I didn’t want to burden you with my personal problems.”

He shook his head at her as though disappointed. “You’re anything but a burden to me.” Tucking her in close to his uninjured side, he rested his chin on the top of her head. “Leaning on someone once in a while doesn’t make you weak.”

Well, it made
her
feel weak. These past few years had forged her into a stronger, less vulnerable version of her former self. She’d had to learn to face everything alone. Brianna stayed nestled against him, allowing the peace of the evening and Justin’s company to wash over her like a healing balm. 

“What will you do now?” he asked after a long pause.

Being pressed up against him made her tingle from head to toe, but she did her best to ignore it. “Go home to Lexington. It would be the least I could do in my father’s memory—get everything in order before Morgan returns.”
 

A sudden tension crept into his body. “How will you get there?”

She smoothed her skirts, tried to lighten the mood with a bad attempt at a joke. “By train.”

His stare weighed on her like a stone. “You plan to travel all the way to Lexington alone?”

She kept her gaze on the quiet river. “I’ve become quite accustomed to traveling on my own since Caleb died.” It surprised her that it didn’t hurt to say his name in front of Justin.

He made a frustrated sound. “How am I supposed to go home and recuperate when I know you’re out there somewhere all alone?”

“I’ve made the trip before. I’ll be fine.”

A muscle in his jaw flexed. “I wish this damned war would end.” 

“We all do.” How could she still breathe with this pain in her chest? He was leaving, and she would probably never see him again. If she didn’t tell him how she felt about him now, she never would. Still, she cringed at the thought of baring herself to him that way. “By the way, thank you for staying with me. For taking care of me.”

“You don’t need to thank me for that.”

She swallowed. “I also…owe you an apology.”

He looked down at her. “For what?”

“For snapping at you the other day when you asked me about Caleb. I’m sorry.”

One corner of his mouth turned up. “I’m the one who should apologize. I shouldn’t have baited you. Actually, I admired the way you defended him. He was lucky to have you.” He tipped his head back to stare up at the stars. “So you’re sorry and I’m sorry. That makes us a sorry pair, doesn’t it?” 

Brianna rested her head against his shoulder and gave a sad smile. Digging deep for her courage, she forced the words she needed to say past the lump in her throat. “I was doing just fine until you came along. No one has made me feel anything in three years, and then you showed up.”

He smothered a chuckle. “I hope you don’t expect an apology for that, because you won’t get one.”

Her cheeks flushed. “I don’t understand how it happened, but…”
Just say it. Say it and get it over with.
“I have very strong feelings for you.” She almost strangled on the admission.     

“Is that right?” His fingertips stroked over her sensitive nape, spreading the growing heat inside her. “How strong?”

She risked a glance at him, swallowed at the longing she saw in his eyes. “I… Strong.”

“Strong enough that you would wait for me?”

Her breath caught. She gaped at him, sure she must have misunderstood. “Was that some sort of a proposal?”

He gave a rueful laugh. “Not a very romantic one, but…after a fashion, yes. I want to be with you and take care of you.” His gaze locked with hers as he cupped her cheek in his palm. “I’m falling in love with you.”

Her eyes widened. It was the last thing she’d ever expected him to say.

“In light of all that, I want to be sure you’ll wait for me until the war is over.”

Her throat tightened. This was more than she’d ever dared hope to find again, but a promise to wait for him? They couldn’t be together until the war ended, and there was no guarantee he would still feel the same when it did. It didn’t make sense that she would even contemplate the idea of marrying him, let alone allow herself to imagine having a family with him someday. But she did anyway, the flare of hope too strong to deny.

 When he opened his mouth to say something else, she stopped him by placing her fingers over his lips. “Wait, just… Tell me again.”

Justin’s gaze darkened with longing. He gathered her hands in his and squeezed them, staring straight into her eyes. “I’m falling in love with you.”

Her heart drummed in her ears. Brianna’s feelings for him were so intense she hadn’t dared trust them. Was that possible? For her to fall in love so quickly? She couldn’t speak, simply drank him in and knew that no matter what happened, she’d remember this moment for the rest of her life.

“I think you care about me too,” he continued, his hands warm around hers. “But are you willing to wait for me?”

A nervous jitter started in her belly. “Yes, I absolutely will.” Her heart pounded like she’d jumped off a cliff.

 Justin laughed at her astonished expression. “I realize we haven’t known each other very long, and there’s always a chance I won’t live to see the end of the war—”

She put a hand over his mouth to stop the awful words and shook her head. “Don’t even
think
like that.”

He pressed a kiss to her sensitized palm before pulling her hand away. “With you waiting for me, how could I not come back?”

Fear bubbled up, thick enough to choke on. She buried her cheek into the hollow of his shoulder, afraid of losing him as she had everyone else. “I don’t want you to go.”   

Justin cupped her face between his hands and tipped her head back to settle his gaze on her mouth. Her heart skipped a beat when his lashes dipped down and he lowered his head toward her. Brianna met him half way.

A rush of sensual heat swept through her when his lips settled over hers, firm and warm. She made a soft sound of relief and gripped his shoulders as long-buried desire exploded inside her.