The Valley of Amazement (24 page)

PREPARING THE BOUDOIR

I have furnished your room with every comfort to set the stage for lovemaking. You saw that I already had your bed placed closer to the middle of the room so I could move the screen that hides the toilet and bathing tub. It was so cramped and uncomfortable before. And how can you feel clean if the bathing tub resembles an old threshing box? The chamber pot was so low that old men on rusted legs had a hard time seating themselves and standing back up. I don’t know why I did not think of that when this was my boudoir. Now your suitor and you can refresh yourselves in more spacious surroundings. The new chamber pot is set under a carved seat with armrests. And the pot is porcelain, a nice oxblood red, easy to clean. I’ve ordered a new bathing tub, one of the Western ones, copper, with lions’ feet. Very fashionable. It has already arrived, but I cannot have it put in your room until next week. Vermillion saw the same one, and she must be the first to have it. There will be a Western coatrack for your dressing robes, a tufted bench, and a table with ointments, perfumes, and snuff bottles containing invigorating powder. To call the servants to tidy up, you simply strike the four bars of the new chimes I bought. It is the same instrument used on the finest railways to announce that dinner will be served.

I have thought of even more decorations and luxuries. They are all the things I should have thought to use with my own suitors. I decorated my room one way and then never changed it. As I grew older, my room appeared increasingly old-fashioned. I recognize that now. The furniture is still high quality, though, and I’m sure I can sell it for a good price. But to buy the new furniture we need, we will require money gifts. So you see how important it is that you do well at the parties right from the start. We cannot borrow money endlessly from the madam, or we’ll be slaves to her for the rest of our lives. At the very least I will reupholster the chairs and sofa, and I am having new curtains made for the bed. Silk batiste in golden emperor yellow with blue embroidered characters that mean longevity. I bought yellow and blue ribbons and dozens of little bells. They’ll be tied to the corners of the bed and above and will sound merrily with the slightest jiggle of your hips, letting the man know he’s headed toward heavenly ecstasy. It’s a clever touch. I might even take a customer every now and then just so I can hear the sound of those bells.

FOUR WAYS TO DAMAGE YOUR CAREER

There are four ways you might find you are out of business for a short time, a long time, or forever.

The first is your monthly flow. You do not want to rise from a fancy chair at a party, only to discover you have left a red map of Chongming Island on the brocade of the chair and a matching one on the back of your skirt. I
will give you a set of special sea sponges, which you can put inside you. If your flow is heavy, you can also add a little silk sac of moss at the front of the gates of your pudenda. Never allow intimate relations with a suitor during this time. Be flirtatious but coy at parties. Meet with new suitors for afternoon tea. A patron, however, is another matter. A few of them may enjoy a make-believe defloration with the spillage of blood. In those cases, we will ask for a small defloration gift to make the fantasy more realistic. You will have to act reluctant as your patron strips away your clothes, and then just do what you did during your real defloration, only not as loud.

If the patron is not interested in a fake defloration, he may ask you to pleasure him with your mouth, or watch you do something to yourself, or many other things we don’t need to talk about now. It will only scare you. If a patron wants something unusual, I can advise you then what to do, what not to do, and what requires more negotiation.

The second way to lose business is to have a baby. You can avoid this if you are diligent in following my instructions every time you have intimate relations. I will bring you a warm soup of musk and
dong quai
to drink before you bring a man to your boudoir. I will remind you to place a small silk pouch containing my secret ingredients of herbs. There is nothing that will cause your pudenda to pucker or the man’s stem to shrivel or burn. I’ve heard that the concoctions at other houses have had this effect, immediately or over time. And never listen to another courtesan who tells you to use slices of persimmon. That is an old joke some courtesans play on one another. It will dry out the pudenda and make it impossible for a man to come in. When your suitor has satisfied himself, quickly go behind the screen and wash your pudenda with saffron water. If you forget to use the pouch with my secret ingredients, I will give you a strong
dong quai
broth that will give you cramps and end anything that got started. If you have gone for two months without your monthly flow, I will call in a woman who will take care of the problem. She is quite good, although a few girls over the years got pus fever, and not all of them were as lucky as I was in avoiding death.

The third way to lose business is to get pus fever and die. So do not get pregnant. There are many other sicknesses. Don’t assume that a man who is deathly ill would stay at home. Some men who know they are not long for this world want one last squeeze of pleasure. That’s how strong the instinct is. If a customer is coughing and spitting and unable to catch his breath, do not drink from the same bowl of wine, no matter how much he insists. He may have tuberculosis. If a customer has red eyes and is vomiting, it may not be drunkenness but typhoid fever. You must be especially careful about sex diseases, like syphilis. You should inspect every man in your bed quickly to make sure he has no sores. Admire his stem, praise it, while giving it a thorough inspection. Even a little sore is dangerous. If you see one, pretend you are overcome suddenly with dizziness or the need to vomit, and then summon me. This is an ugly disease. Over time, sores as big as red peonies will bloom. Then the poison flowers will eat away your flesh and rot your brain. You’ve seen beggars in the street who have what I’m talking about. If you get the pox, don’t listen to anyone who says to take mercury or rat poison. Many girls have taken the wrong amount and that’s the end of them after screaming for hours in agony. I know of a better remedy that sometimes works. I’m not telling you what it is because I don’t want you to think you can be careless and that old Magic Gourd can easily get rid of your sores. One last thing: Never touch a foreigner. They brought the pox to China, and I’m sure many of them have it.

The fourth way to lose business is to lose your mind. Do not become addicted to opium. You will not be able to take care of your customer if you are asleep all the time. Do not get drunk. This might cause you to laugh at a man’s shortcomings. Do not cry all the time in front of others. We all have reasons we are sad. If you weep constantly, it’s like you are saying your sadness is sadder than the sadness of others. How do you know? If you weep in front of suitors, they will see that trouble lies in the future if they successfully win your affections. A few tears in front of your patron is another matter. He can be moved to be kinder and more generous. But you must cry sparingly to be effective. Crying can come from genuine feelings as well, and the one your patron will love best is happiness.

PREPARING THE PUDENDA

Tomorrow, Vermillion’s maid will come with her threads and remove all the hair from your pudenda, armpits, and upper lip. A virgin must be pure white. And right now you are as hairy as a man. Curly hair on the pudenda is unattractive, like seaweed, not at all silky. We’ll simply have to call in Vermillion’s maid once a week to keep your little mound a white tigress. Don’t be tempted by ointments and poultices recommended by other courtesans as having the power to remove hair forever. Those have been known to shrivel up a woman’s pudenda so that it looks like an old woman’s crack. One so-called remedy ate away the girl’s skin, and it was the color of raw meat after that. The courtesans who recommend them may swear they were not aware it would cause this damage, but everyone knows it was done as revenge. So if anyone comes to you with potions of any kind—to remove hair, to increase your desire or that of your suitor—come to me immediately and tell me what she said and show me what she gave you. I’ll threaten to pour it on her until she admits it was an evil ruse.

For the next year, you will learn a dozen positions each month. Never do just one position. They must be used in combinations that surprise him, one rotation after another. You should provide the unexpected even on the night of your defloration. Innocence and bafflement quickly become tiresome. You cannot be lazy and helpless,
expecting that your first lover will serve you, unless it is clear that this is what he desires. When a man buys your defloration, he wants your innocence, some hesitation, and cries of pain as proof that he is the first. At the same time, he does not want the awkwardness of a girl’s inexperience and screaming all night long. What man wants to pry apart a girl’s crossed arms and legs every few minutes without gaining headway? Men are romantic. What they hold as the ideal is not what comes naturally to women. Over the next year, we will go through lovemaking possibilities that will convince your first suitor you are worth the price. There’s a famous joke told in brothels: Two men ask a man who has just deflowered a virgin, “How was the battle opening the pavilion gate? Was it as intoxicating as ten cups of wine?” The other man answers, “I got through the gate easily enough, but inside there was only half a cup.” Half a cup. That’s what some men say when they have paid dearly for disappointment.

I know you are not ignorant of what a man looks like in a fully florid state. When I worked at Hidden Jade Path, I used to see you peeking through my lattice window. You were like a little moth, and I couldn’t yell at you without spoiling the man’s arousal. I’m sure your snoopiness continued over the years, and now you yourself will practice what used to interest you so much. I have hired a young man from the opera troupe. He’s a talented actor and capable of doing whatever I tell him, all the positions, the dramas, and illusions—all without piercing your bud. And there’s no chance he will try. He is a homosexual and finds no pleasure in a woman’s body, only in the actor’s art. You will call the actor by the names that fit the lesson: Lord Yang, the Hermit, the Sage, the Marquis, and others I conjure up. He will call you Miss Delight, Madam Li, Widow Li, Lady Li, Fairy Maiden, Slave Girl, and such.

Don’t worry: You will both be clothed in loose pajamas, although at times I will have him wear only bandages to cover his stem and pouches, and he’ll wear the girdle and fake stem so that you can pay attention to where things fit. He won’t touch you, of course, only aim in the right direction. He won’t be aroused by the sight of you, so I’ll ask him to caress himself so you can also see the changes in his coloring, his breathing, his pupils, and the tension and relaxation of his limbs. The bandages will be wrapped tight, so there is no danger anything will pop out.

To begin, you will learn the Four Basics: embracing, opening, piercing, and rolling. They may seem obvious, but there is an art to each of these, a rhythm and a gracefulness. The same skills of patience and gracefulness apply to all of the positions. We will practice the art of all your movements—how quickly to move your limbs, when to arch your back. Every courtesan has a hundred methods at her disposal. Upward, backward, seated, standing, feet pressed on his stomach, legs in the air, the Bucking Horse, the Swaying Bamboo Shoots, Tigress Meets the Dragon, Oysters in the Turtle Shell—all the ways that five thousand years of lovemaking, excitement, and boredom have devised. Learning takes a lifetime. To enhance your reputation, we’ll invent a few ourselves.

The actor will give you lessons on convincing expressions so that you can display the Nine Urges—moaning, groaning, pleading, and so forth, but not all of them on the first night. But by the second night, you will need to show up to the eighth to prove he has awakened the maiden in the grotto. The actor will also mimic for you the Two Responses of the male: groaning with desire and then grunting with satisfaction. Gratitude should be the third, and a nice gift the fourth.

I’m going to make finger-shaped sacks—some thin, some thicker—with uncooked rice inside. He can use them to show you how to pleasure men who have difficulties getting their stem to stand up. Sometimes it falls asleep. To give him confidence, you must always refer to his stem as the Warrior or the Dragon Head. Men are very easily pleased by these words. You might be with a man who seems quite virile at the party but is ashamed later that his warrior is more of a foot soldier. For both these cases, the actor will show you how to use rings and clips, so you can see how the rice bulges upward and makes the stem straight and thick. Many customers have also favored our gold and kingfisher-blue ribbons. They become quite commanding when they wear the emperor’s colors. Of course, now that the emperor has abdicated, that color may not have the same effect. I will also place in your room lust-arousing potions. Use only those, never any given to you by another courtesan. Those could be anything from vinegar to chili oil. Happiness in the Pavilion is a good brand, and it won’t set the stem on fire and send your suitor leaping about in agony. It has happened with other brands. Men may think the more potions they drink, the larger they will become. That will only make them vomit or will loosen their bowels all night long. So pay attention to the amount.

Each night, I want you to lie in your bed and try to arouse yourself. I will give you a pearl polisher and a lotion called Gates Wide Open. When you can’t stop yourself, you’ll know what I’m talking about. If these things do not bring you to the heights, I will ask the actor to help you practice the expressions you should make. He’s very professional. When a man sees a woman with urgency in her face, that’s like love to him. You might as well get used to the pearl polisher. Many suitors will bring their own bag of toys, and pearl polishers are a favorite among those who like seeing a beauty writhe and gasp like a fish out of water. You will know later what I am talking about. I have received quite a few of these pearl polishers as gifts over the years. Frankly, I would have preferred a bolt of silk.