The Valley of Amazement (69 page)

He held the baby up to his face and talked to him: “Your grandmother has been waiting impatiently for you. She’s made daily offerings. She was afraid she would have only granddaughters …” Lu Shing had spoken without caution, and suspicion immediately rose and made me ill.

“Did your wife give your mother a granddaughter?”

He was not apologetic. “Let us be happy today, Lucia. Let’s forget everything else and believe that our fate has changed.”

“You intend to make me your Second Wife?” I said.

“I am ready to try. We now have a better chance.”

“What is your assessment of your family’s acceptance of me? Warm embrace? Tolerance? Resentment? Be truthful. My happiness depends on it.”

“It may take time.” He spoke of his plans to approach his mother, to petition that I be recognized.

I was not listening. I had been thinking over the past hour of how my life might change once I moved out of Danner’s house. I had freedom here and no one who governed what I did. Violet adored Danner, and he adored her. And Danner, Golden Dove, and I had become true friends who could count on one another without question.

”I prefer to keep the arrangement we have now,” I told Lu Shing. “You can give me whatever position you want in your family, so long as both Violet and our son are accepted and also recognized as mine. I’ll continue to live here in Danner’s house and with our children.”

Lu Shing looked relieved. He spoke again about his chances of winning his family’s approval once he showed them our son.

“Until they are both accepted into the Lu family,” I said, “they will be considered Danner’s children. I will have an American birth certificate that says so. And even if they are accepted, the children will continue to live with me.”

“Our son should spend time with his grandparents, especially on important occasions. That will secure his legitimate station in our family.”

“What about Violet?”

“I will ensure she is accepted and treated well. But I cannot change how my parents view the first male of the next generation.”

I never would have agreed to this arrangement two years ago. But I saw now that it had been folly and pride to foist myself on Lu Shing’s family and suffer from their rejection. My proposal was not a compromise, but my wish. I could let go of my resentments and Lu Shing his secrecy. That day, he lay on the bed with our son between us. He spoke tenderly with all the endearments I had not heard for a year. He would inform his family that he would divide his time between their home and the other we had on East Floral Alley. Despite our excited talk over the future, I was clear-eyed. His parents might not accept our son as the legitimate first male. And if that was the case, it would not matter. I would still have my two children. I might continue to be disappointed in Lu Shing, but I would not be dependent on him for my happiness. Danner was more a true husband than Lu Shing could ever be. He was more a father than my father ever was.

After Lu Shing left, I told Danner about my plans. “He declined to live here as Second Husband,” I said. “So with you as First Husband and me as First Wife, our family will be just Violet, the new baby, and us. Lu Shing will come visit with us as before. Lu Shing can name the baby whatever he wants. But his American name will be Teddy Minturn Danner.”

Danner was so overcome he sobbed to a state of breathlessness.

Lu Shing arrived early the next morning while Danner, Violet, and I were having breakfast. I could tell he was impatient to see his son. “The baby is sleeping,” I said, “and can’t be disturbed.” Lu Shing asked to speak to me privately.

We went into the garden. I realized that my feelings toward Lu Shing had changed. I did not need him for happiness or a home or a future. I had been freed in mind to see him as he was: a man whom I had been infatuated with, whom I might still love, but that was not certain. I wondered if he sensed the difference in me.

“My mother has agreed to see our son,” he said. “I told her that he has many of the Lu family features and that there is no question he is part of our lineage. From the moment I saw him, I said, he fastened his eyes on me and recognized me as his father.”

I laughed at the lie.

“And I told her his name is Lu Shen.
Shen
means ‘profound.’ I would have chosen a name with you, but there was no time. I saw the opportunity to speak to my mother when no one else was around to hear what I had to say.”

“I certainly can’t criticize you for giving him a Chinese name. I’ve already given him an American one. Teddy Minturn Danner. Teddy not Theodore.” Two names, given separately, a sign of how far apart we had grown. “I just now realized I never thought to ask you what your name
Shing
means.”

“‘Fulfillment,’” he said, “a name that mocks me. I have fulfilled nothing—not to you nor to my family. I have failed as an artist. But our son will make up for my failures. He will one day be the head of a great family.”

Those last words were opium to my soul. “When does your mother want to see him?”

“Tonight. She is already eager. It would be best that I take him to her by myself. If she wants him as her grandson, she would then present him to my father. And if he agrees, we can then tell them that you must be recognized as his mother.”

“Tell me again what we would do if they do not recognize me?”

“You and I will raise him outside of the family. But he will not have legitimacy as a Chinese son, and so he would not be entitled to position or an inheritance, and I want those for our son.”

I asked him to let me think and I would give him my decision tonight whether he could take our son without me. I posed the question to Golden Dove and Danner. They could reject him, I said. Or they could accept him but not accept me. We talked throughout the day. I posed the possibilities and they reflected with me. And if they gave me advice that differed from what I wanted, I did not hear it. I wanted my children—Violet and Teddy—to be recognized and given every opportunity for a good life of their own choosing.

I had Teddy bundled and ready when Lu Shing came that evening. He had brought a nursemaid and silk baby pajamas. He held me in gratitude and professed love for me.
Tomorrow afternoon, he would return Teddy to me and I would have had hardly enough time to miss him. I kissed Teddy’s sleeping face. And then I let him go.

I could not sleep. I imagined what Lu Shing’s mother would feel when she saw him. I imagined the worst, her look of disgust. Danner kept me company, trying to distract me with stories of Little Teddy’s namesake. When I expressed worries that all would be for naught, I was grateful when he enumerated the reasons I could hope Lu Shing would succeed. He began with the desperate need of a grandmother seeing a grandson before she passed from this world. He said that she was likely indulgent with Lu Shing, since he was her firstborn son. He cited numerous families who were known to have mixed blood. He said that Teddy was too beautiful for any grandmother to refuse.

At 9:00
A.M.,
Lu Shing’s coolie arrived with the familiar envelope in a silk pouch. “My dear Lucia, Our hopes are closer to coming true. She is very much taken with him.” I gave out a shout of joy. I continued reading: “She is confident she can persuade my father to accept our son as his grandson. She will do so tomorrow when he returns to Shanghai. For now, she would like to spend more time with the baby. This, she said, will enable her to say just the right words to my father to overcome obstacles. We must be patient for another day.”

I was not happy that Lu Shing’s mother would keep Teddy. It had been difficult for even one night. I debated whether to send a letter asking that he return Teddy for the time being. If his mother was as pleased as he made her out to be, she would still be pleased when Lu Shing’s father returned. I sent a note requesting that Lu Shing return the baby.

In the afternoon, when I expected him to return Teddy, I received his note in reply: “My dear Lucia, all continues with hopeful signs. My mother had a message delivered to my father, and he is returning early. He will arrive this evening.”

I should have been happy that progress had been made. But I was not happy that Teddy was not in my arms. I should have insisted on being there. Were they jostling him too much? Did they allow him to sleep? And then another fear, the size of a grain of sand, crept in under my skin. Would she return him? The grain of sand went into my eye, and I became so anxious I walked up and down the alley. Danner could not follow me without becoming winded. He suggested I smoke opium to take my mind off what I could not change for the moment.

The next morning, Lu Shing sent more good news: “My brothers and their wives have seen the baby and were also very much taken with him. They, too, thought he has the features of the family. My father is already so fond of his grandson he talks to him of his future. All obstacles are being rolled out of the way.”

I could not celebrate this victory until Lu Shing returned with Teddy. Danner and Golden Dove tried to distract me from worry. They talked about all the privileges my children would receive—education, respect, and power. My son could become a corrupt bureaucrat, if I did not instill good values in him. Danner bounced two-year-old Violet on his belly, singing a ditty and raising her above his head: “Ride a high horse, giddy-up up up …” Teddy would be home by the afternoon.

By evening, I was frantic. Lu Shing still had not arrived. If he had been delayed, he should have sent a note of explanation. I went through the different possibilities of what might have happened: Teddy had fallen ill and they did not want to tell me. Perhaps Lu Shing’s father had a change of heart and his mother wanted to keep Teddy longer to encourage him to reconsider. Maybe Lu Shing’s wife objected and more time was needed to smooth this out. But none of these fears was as great as the one that came true.

Late at night, the coolie handed me a note, this one hastily scrawled. “My dear Lucia, I am at a loss to tell you what has happened …” Lu Shing’s father and mother had decided to keep Teddy. They would not recognize me as his mother. He would be the son of Lu Shing’s wife. His mother had already taken Teddy away when she told him of her decision. He did not know where the baby was. “Lucia, if I knew where he was, I would have delivered him into your arms by now. I am sickened by what has happened, and I can only imagine your shock.” He went on about a threat his family had made to never allow Lu Shing to ever see Teddy again if he attempted to see me.

I was shaking and could not make sense of the letter. I raced downstairs to find the coolie gone. I ran out into the alley and along Nanking Road. I cursed and wept. When I finally returned two hours later, Danner and Golden Dove were sitting at the table with grim expressions. They had read the letter several times to decipher what each sentence meant.

“This is kidnapping,” Danner said. “We shall go to the American Consulate first thing tomorrow morning.”

Moments later, horror washed over his face. During all the excitement of gaining the Lu family’s approval, we had neglected to register Teddy as Danner’s and my son at the American Consulate. How could we claim a child was missing when he never existed in their records? Lu Shing may have already made a legal claim.

I lay in bed for three days, neither sleeping nor eating. Golden Dove and Danner took care of Violet. I went through everything that had happened. I had felt the danger. I should have accompanied Lu Shing, at least in the carriage. I should have hired a carriage to follow the coolie. I wrestled with the idea that Lu Shing had been part of the plot all along. At last he was rid of me, his problem, the American girl who would never understand what it meant to be Chinese. He had no feelings for me or for little Violet.

Danner grieved nearly as much as I did. In little Teddy, he had resurrected his old companion and now had lost them both. Instead of eating insatiably, he stopped altogether. Golden Dove organized herself to find Teddy and assured me she would. She searched among her friends in courtesan houses for those who might know a man named Lu who worked for the Ministry of Foreign Relations. There are ten thousand Lu families, they said. What part of the foreign ministry? There are many foreigners requiring administration these days. What is your business? Why do you wish to find him?

When I revived myself and left my bed, I held Little Violet close to me, afraid that she, too, would disappear. She squirmed. I put her down and watched her toddle over to a pile of books and knock them down. She looked at me for approval and I forced myself to smile. For her, there was no such thing as hatred, betrayal, or false love.

A
MONTH AFTER
we lost Teddy, Danner stood up from the dining table with a groan and complained of indigestion. He went to bed at ten in the evening. He never woke up.

My heart was too worn to feel the sharpness of his death. I could not possibly feel more pain, and I refused to know what the loss of him meant. But over the days, a gnawing hollow of grief enlarged. Where was the man who had given me the fullness of his heart, his home, his compassion and love? He had felt my hopes and defeats, my fury and sorrow. He had given me decency and bestowed upon Violet a legitimate birth. He equipped me with armor to be brave and go forward. Danner had been the father I wished I had had. I should have told him. We were the little family he had wanted to have. We belonged to him and he to us. He knew that.

Upon reporting his death to the American Consulate, I discovered that Danner’s possessions had passed to me—the house, the paintings, the furniture, and the tassels. I had been his wife and was now his widow. He had not forgotten Golden Dove. The rent he had collected from her had gone into a bank account in her name. She offered to pay me her usual rent so that she could stay and still serve her clients. I told her to live with me as a guest, and she said I was better than a sister. Although I had inherited the house, there was only a little bit of money for daily expenditures. We had already used much of that for Danner’s burial. For income, Danner had sold a painting or two each month and always after great deliberation over which one he could bear to part with. I brought a few paintings to a gallery and was told they were worth next to nothing. I would not let Danner’s paintings fall into the hands of cheats. I took the paintings home and told the servants that I could not pay them. Two left, but the amah and coolie stayed. They said it was enough to have a place to live and food to eat, and they even argued that they could haggle and buy provisions for prices far cheaper than a foreigner could get. I was grateful, yet we all knew we were delaying the inevitable. And then where would we go? I walked through the house, noting what I might sell—the sofa, the large armchair with its sagging cushion, the table and lamp—surveying all as I stepped between piles of books snaking through the house and piled on the mantel with swags of tassels. Books and tassels, the overflow of two spendthrifts, which now would sustain two frugal women.