The Vintage and the Gleaning (25 page)

Anyway, so Brett blacked out and he says the next thing he remembers he was in a caravan park, in the shower block, lying on the floor with the shower running on him. And a man found him and he asked him what had happened but Brett says he couldn't speak, and it wasn't because he'd been choked, there was no actual damage to his throat, he just couldn't speak, couldn't say anything. He was in shock, I suppose. So this guy went and got help and someone called an ambulance and they took him to hospital.

But what Brett told me, the really strange thing about it all, what he said is that, for years after, he still had these problems talking to people. And, like I said, there was no actual injury to his neck or his voice box, it was something else, but it was something that happened after those men did what they did, and Brett said it lasted for years after. He'd try to say something, but the words wouldn't come out right. And people, his mates, his father, people at school, used to make fun of him, because of the things he said, because everything always came out so strange, when he tried to talk. And he says that because of that he just stopped trying, he barely talked at all, not to anyone. The problem went away eventually, but still, Brett says it lasted such a long time that he thought it would never go away.

And Brett says that during that time, because he couldn't talk, or wouldn't talk, or when he did talk it came out wrong, he always got angry when he was around people. He says he'd never had a temper before, but it was because he was just so frustrated, not being able to talk and everything. And he started to get violent, lashing out at people. He'd get into fights all the time, at school, on the street, or he'd just beat people up, turn on them, and he says sometimes it was because they made fun of him, but most of the time there wasn't any reason at all, he just wanted to hurt them. He says it's something he still doesn't understand, but he really wanted to hurt people, hurt them really badly, and he didn't know why. He says it didn't actually have anything to do with the whole thing about not being able to talk properly, or because of people laughing at him when he tried to talk, or even because it made him angry all the time. It had nothing to do with that. He says it was a completely different thing, something else that happened to him after what those men did. He just wanted to hurt people, really hurt them. And he did, he seriously injured some guys in those fights, he could get really vicious. And Brett says he knew that he was going too far, he knew that at the time, and he was scared that he'd actually kill someone one day, he was sort of scared of himself, what he might do. But he says it was like there was something inside him, making him do it. He just couldn't stop himself.

And everyone thinks that Brett got kicked out of school for punching out a teacher. I mean even I knew about it, before I ever met him or knew who he was. I'd just heard this story about some guy who got expelled for punching a teacher. But he never actually got expelled. The thing was, even before what happened to him on the beach, the teachers all thought Brett was a troublemaker anyway, which he probably was, but different, before that. He says he just had a smart mouth. He didn't get into fights and that sort of thing, not before. But afterwards, everything changed and things got so much worse, you know, getting into fights nearly every day and then the teachers used to get on his back because he never said anything in class, or when he did he said weird things and they thought he was being a smartarse, or on drugs. They used to search his locker for drugs because the teachers thought he was stoned all the time, because of the way he was in class, the things he said.

But there was this one teacher who gave him a particularly hard time, who was always on his back about something. A maths teacher. And Brett says he'd give him a hard time for nothing at all, he'd just pick on him. And so one day Brett was in the hall, at his locker, not doing anything, and this teacher came up and started abusing him, again for absolutely no reason at all. I mean, Brett thinks that it was the teacher who was the one with the real problems, more than him. So this teacher was right in his face, yelling at him, and Brett just punched him out. Dropped him. Brett says it was almost a reflex thing, he didn't even think about it, it just happened. So Brett took his stuff out of his locker and walked out of the school and never went back. People say they expelled him, but that never actually happened.

And I'm not making any excuses for him, Smithy. I mean, certainly not for the things he's done since. But I don't know. It's just that it's like some people, nothing bad ever happens to them, people like me, or how I used to be anyway. But other people, it's like bad things just keep happening to them, nothing ever goes right. And I've always known that about Brett and, I suppose, well, I've always had this sympathy for him and I suppose that's why I find it so easy to overlook his faults, forgive him for things. And maybe that's not the right thing to do, maybe it just ends up dragging me down as well, and maybe I should be more selfish, but that's just how I am. I'm just saying that Brett hasn't had it easy, he's never had it easy.

So anyway, that summer and being with Brett's friends, like I said, I didn't think Brett was particularly interested in me, except as a friend, but that didn't matter because I was just happy, being with them, being one of them. But I still liked Brett a lot and I wasn't the only one, as I said, a lot of the girls liked Brett. I mean, I could tell, and I know I was right because he told me about it later, when we were first together. You know, that time at the start, when you tell each other everything. But I could already see it, during that summer. They all looked up to Brett back then, the whole group, and I suppose it was partly because of his reputation, because nobody would ever mess with Brett, nobody in the whole town, same as now, I suppose. I suppose that's one thing that hasn't changed. But it wasn't just that, it was more than that, it was because of him, the way he was back then. Because he was just so different, not like now, quiet and laid back and funny, he could be really funny. And confident too. It was like he had everything worked out, like nothing could faze him, and it didn't, nothing ever did, and the more I got to know him, the more I was attracted to him. I mean, I think I started to fall in love with him back then, well, I know I did, before I knew he had any interest in me whatsoever. I was just too shy to let him know.

And when I look back on it I always think how much he's changed and it's sad really, that he's gone from that to how he is now, that he's become like he is now. But I suppose things haven't gone right for him either, same as for me and, I don't know, I can only feel sad, because it's hard to think he's even the same person now. So I suppose we're not so different in that way, I mean, how I thought everything was going to turn out so well for me, just assumed it, and I suppose Brett, well, as different as he was from me, I think he thought the same, about himself and his own life. And if you'd known him then, the way he was then, that's how it seemed. He just seemed like the sort of person things were going to go well for, just like me.

So there were plenty of other girls who were after Brett and they weren't as shy as me about it, and when it happened, when it all happened, with us, I mean I really couldn't believe that he'd chosen me. But he'd been with a lot of the other girls already, he told me about it, later, when we were together. He'd slept with most of them at one time or another, over the years, back before I knew him, but the thing is he'd never actually gone out with any of them. It was just sex. He told me he hadn't been interested in relationships at all, not before he met me.

That's what he told me anyway, in the early days. Brett and I used to lie in bed all night, talking, can you believe it? I mean we hardly say a word to each other anymore, except when we fight, or I'm nagging him and I suppose that's what starts the fights, usually. And there's times when he goes silent, like for weeks, he can go for weeks on end, barely saying a word to me. What's for tea, or things like that, but nothing else, and I try to talk to him and he just answers in grunts or a few words, or just ignores me, like he doesn't even care, well probably he doesn't.

But back in the early days we'd lie in bed and sometimes we'd lie together in bed all night and all day, talking, making love, sleeping. It was probably our best time together. And sometimes we'd stay in bed for days on end. And it was Brett who said it, he said it was like we were on a desert island, just the two of us, and there was nobody else, just us, alone together, and that's exactly how it felt, like we were on a desert island, and that's what I wanted, what both of us wanted back then, just the two of us and nobody else, just me and Brett, and it was like the rest of the world wasn't even there, didn't even exist anymore, for us.

And Brett used to say that he never thought he'd meet someone he wanted to be with, to only be with one person, until he met me. And he said that before he met me, he never thought he'd want to be with someone for the rest of his life, that he couldn't imagine it before, before me. He told me that he'd fallen in love with me the moment he saw me, which was sweet and I believed him and I don't know, maybe it was true, maybe he was just saying it because that's what you're meant to say, isn't it. Because I said the same thing to him and it wasn't really true. I mean, I was attracted to Brett from the start, but not in love, not straight away, like I told him I was, and really I don't believe that happens to anyone. But maybe it was true, for him, maybe he was in love with me from the start, or thought he was. Maybe he still is in love with me, despite the way he acts, despite everything that's happened and the way we are now. I mean he's still with me, isn't he. Even now, he's still hanging around, after everything that's happened. So it's possible, I suppose it is possible.

But truth be told I can't help feeling that maybe Brett thinks he made a mistake as well, same as me, about us, about all of it. Maybe he really shouldn't have ever been with anyone, like he said, maybe he was right and that's why things haven't worked out, or one of the reasons anyway. And I know I haven't been a good wife to him and really when I think about it I was probably the worst choice for Brett. I mean, if he'd chosen one of those town girls, you know, who didn't expect much, just to be with him, probably one of them would have been a better match. They would probably put up with everything, never complain, and be happy just being a housewife for him. Not like me, because I'll never be like that. That would never be enough. Not for me.

And I know I blame Brett, but it's because I'm unhappy, because I feel like I've missed out on life. And I blame Brett, but really I blame myself for marrying him in the first place, it's just that most of the time I forget that, that it's my fault and I think it's all his fault, that he's made everything go wrong, and so I blame him, I take it all out on him. I mean, I get so angry, even over the smallest things, and sometimes I just can't stand the sight of him, I can't bear having him around. It's like I hate him and that's how I feel, like I absolutely hate him and I think I really do sometimes, and he must know that. I mean I actually say it to his face, I tell him I hate him, when we argue, when my blood's up, and I mean it. I do hate him, at those times. And so I say it and I take it back later, most of the time, but he must know it, that I do actually mean it, that when I say that I hate him it's how I really do feel.

And maybe that's why he goes silent like he does. It's the same way my father used to go silent when my mother was nagging him or criticising him and I suppose I do the same to Brett. I do exactly the same thing, really. Well they say you turn out like your parents, don't they? So maybe I'm just like my mother, and God that's a terrible thought. I always used to say to myself, promise myself, ever since I was little, that I would never turn out like my mother, the way she treated my father. I mean I suppose she was miserable too, same as me, and she couldn't admit that she was unhappy, but the way she used to talk, it was like she was perfect, like everything she did or said was right and everyone else was in the wrong. And my father, it was like he was always in the wrong, all the time, everything he did. Every little thing. And that's a lot like me, now. I'm the same, the way I am with Brett. And maybe I was terrified I would turn out like my mother because I knew that I would, because maybe I have.

And maybe I hurt Brett far more than I think I do. It's just the way he ignores me, it doesn't seem like I'm even getting through to him, and then the more he ignores me the worse I get, but maybe I do hurt him, only he doesn't want to show it, maybe that's why he never says anything. But I never think of that at the time. It's only since he's been in prison, I suppose I've had time to think, because these things, what I'm saying, they're all things I've only really started thinking about recently, and it's the first time I've wondered, well, maybe it's me who's the problem, or partly me, as much as Brett, rather than how I've always been before, thinking it's his fault, blaming it all on him, everything, everything that's gone wrong, everything that's wrong in my life.

So now I wonder whether Brett regrets marrying me, whether he thinks he's the one who made the mistake. But before all this, having this time on my own, I really never thought about what Brett might be thinking, that he would think anything like that, probably because he never says anything, because it's always me, always me doing the talking and always me telling him how unhappy I am, how miserable I am with him, with my life. And blaming it all on him. And I can go on and on and I never give a thought to what Brett might be thinking, that he might be thinking the same thing as me. That he made a mistake and that it's me making him miserable, and I suppose the way he acts now, acting like I'm not even there sometimes, staying away from the house with his mates or drinking in the pubs by himself, just hardly ever around, maybe that means it's true, maybe it's all true and maybe it is me.