The Wanderers Beginning: The Wanderers, Reborn, & Unforgiven (146 page)

             
“No, that’s not it.” But wasn’t it? It was never my intention to do that, but now that he said it it almost seemed as if that was what I was doing.              

             
His brows pinched together and I knew he was about to lose it. “You have any idea what I went through? Not knowing what happened to you or where you were? I thought Jack came back and kidnapped you…I thought…” he stopped to collect himself. “It doesn’t matter what I thought,” he said, straightening his spine. He took a step out of the shadows and I saw how hard he was struggling to keep it together.

             
“Roman I’m sorry,” I said, feeling the tears start to drip down my face. “You deserve better. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the person you needed me to be. I won’t bother you anymore. I just thought you should know that I never stopped loving you and I never meant to hurt you.” I turned to walk away, not wanting him to see me cry. He was behind me in a flash and I felt his hand on my shoulder. I recoiled from the touch. His flesh was so hot against my clammy skin. My reaction made him drop his hand. “I’m sorry. It’s…I’m so cold and you’re so hot you burned me.”

             
“I would have understood if you just told me. I wouldn’t have stood in your way.”

             
I took a step back to look in his eyes and I saw nothing but sincere honesty. “How was I supposed to know that?”

             
“Because I was your boyfriend Ella. You should have trusted me.”

             
“I did. I do trust you…I just didn’t want to hurt you or worse…lose you,” I said, instinctively reaching for him.

             
“You already did lose me,” he said, walking away.

             
I panicked. I didn’t want it to end this way. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. “What about your promise,” I called and he froze. “Your promise for no more arguing. That no matter what happens from now on we’ll agree to disagree.” It was a stretch but I got his attention.

             
“Ella that’s not fair.”

             
“Why not?”

             
“Because this is completely different. You slept with someone else!”

             
Hearing it from his lips was more painful than admitting it. “I did and no amount of apologizing is going to make it right. I can tell you I’m sorry until I’m blue in the face, but you will never get past the fact that I was with someone else.” It was more of a statement than a question. “I just want to know, do you still love me?” I asked, staring straight into his dark blue eyes. Even if he said no I knew he was lying, but I had to hear him say it. I could see it in his face, his eyes, the way his body fidgeted, just like it did every time he wanted to wrap his arms around me.

             
“I do love you,” he admitted, making my heart beat double time.

             
“Why can’t we start over then?”

             
“I think we should get you back inside before you freeze to death,” he said, ignoring my question.

             
I shook off his hand. “I’m fine. Answer my question. Do you want to be with me?”

             
“Yes Ella…I still want to be with you.”

             
“Then why can’t we be together?” I placed my hands on his chest, resisting the urge to pull away from the stinging it was causing me.

             
He placed his hands gently over mine. “Ella, I want to be with you, I do. I just can’t right now. I need some more time.”

             
“I understand.” I pulled my hands away.

             
“Let’s get you inside.” He took my hand and led me back to guest housing. He walked me all the way up to my room. I didn’t want him to leave and when he let go of my hand I felt a slight emptiness, a stabbing cold where his warm hand was.

             
We both stood there awkwardly for a moment not knowing what to say. “What are your plans for tomorrow?” I asked.

             
“Ella I –”

             
I knew he thought I was jumping the gun. I quickly corrected him. “No, that’s not…I just, well…I talked to Mr. Callahan about holding a memorial service for the students tomorrow and I was hoping maybe you’d go with me?”

             
He sighed and I could tell he was struggling with his answer. “Ella…” I looked up, hopeful. “I can’t.” I looked away, scared I might start to cry again. “I think what you’re doing is great and I will be there I just…I can’t. I need time.”

             
“I understand,” I said, turning to open my door. I looked back over my shoulder at him. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

             
“I’ll be there,” he said and left. Our future wasn’t promising, but at least he said he would be there tomorrow. I closed the door behind me and fell on the bed. Our conversation didn’t exactly go as I planned it, but still better than I expected.

             
I got up and threw on a sweatshirt and then climbed back into bed, pulling the covers up tight. I thought about the talk with Roman and everything I had to do. I didn’t say everything I wanted to but I still hoped that things between Roman and I would work out. I held on to that hope while I closed my eyes and rested.

             
I woke up in the morning feeling better. Gabe and I were okay, I was setting up the memorial to honor the loved ones we lost and Roman, well, he was at least talking to me – minus the scowl – so to me that was a definite improvement from when I first got back. 

             
Aidan excused me from my classes even though from what I heard we didn’t really do anything since everyone was leaving. It was more like a really long study hall. Aidan told me I could grab a few of my friends to help me out so of course I called the gang – minus Dean because he would be no help.

             
Sienna, Riley, Cameron, and I worked on getting the lanterns made while Justin and Dixon cleaned up the area around the fountain. We set up torches and strung lights around the surrounding area. When we were done I took a step back to look at our work. I smiled. Cameron stood beside me and put her hands on my shoulders. “You’re doing a good thing here Ella. I think this is really gonna help.”

             
I smiled back at her, and wrapped my arm around her waist. “Thanks Cameron, I think so to.”

I dug through my suitcase to try and find something to wear. It was still fairly hot. So I dug through all the new clothes my mom had bought me for my birthday. I found a nice, pleated gray skirt and a short sleeved, dark blue top. Out of habit I slipped on Josie’s knee high boots. I heard a low whistle and looked over my shoulder. “Didn’t you get your own pair of black boots for your birthday?” Josie asked, with her hands on her hips.

             
“Did you whistle?”

             
“You told me to.”

             
I stifled an eye roll. “I thought they would be fitting for tonight,” I said, pointing to the boots.

             
She came over and sat down next to me on the bed. “I feel honored and I think what you’re doing tonight is great and so will everyone else.”

             
“It’s not going to bring them back though.”

             
She placed her hand gently over mine. “No, but it will help everyone move on.”

             
“Why are you here?”

             
“They told me I could come down for the night, but just for the night and I think I picked a good night to come back.”

             
“Yes and thank you,” I said, hugging her. “So why are they granting you this one night? Are they letting you out for good behavior?” I teased.

             
She hit me playfully. “You know I never was good,” she winked. “They’re letting me have this one night because it will be my last. They’ve decided my punishment,” she said sadly.

             
“So what will happen to you?” I asked a little frightened.

             
“I still don’t know. They only told me they decided. Not what they’re going to do.”

             
“I still get you for tonight so let’s make it count,” I smiled, trying to be positive.

             
I worked on pulling the knots out of my hair while Josie raided my clothes for something to wear. “Did you and Roman kiss and makeup yet?”

             
“No, but he’s not yelling at me anymore so that’s a plus.”

             
“Is he going to be there tonight?”

             
“He said he would.” I put down my brush and looked at the dark circles under my eyes. Despite the much needed sleep I got I still looked rundown.

             
“Are you okay?” Josie asked, joining me in the bathroom.

             
“No, but I’m working on it,” I said, forcing a smile.

             
“Ella, it will all work out. If there’s one thing I know it’s this. Life is crazy. You never know what to expect and things may not go the way you planned. But in the end you will survive, because Ella, you are a fighter and I know you can overcome anything.”

             
“Thank you Josie,” I said, hugging her. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

             
“I know,” she said, brushing her hair off her shoulder. “You ready?”

             
“Ready as I’ll ever be.” She took my hand and led me outside. We Joined Cameron and Dean in the front. They exchanged hugs with Josie and we waited while the rest of the school crowded around. Soon Riley, Sienna, Justin, and Dixon joined us. I felt warmth spread inside of me as I was surrounded by my friends. There was only one person missing. I craned my neck and searched the crowd, but I couldn’t find him. I told myself to be patient. He would be there.

             
Aidan was making his way to the front getting ready to make his speech. Roman was still not in attendance and I was getting worried. Something told me that the future of our relationship depended on whether or not he would show tonight. I closed my eyes and took a breath as Aidan started his speech.

             
“I want to thank everyone for coming tonight. We are here to honor those who we lost back in March. To properly say goodbye to the loved ones who were taken away from us too soon.” My hand tightened on Josie’s. I opened my eyes and looked up. Aidan’s words were just a background noise. Roman walked straight for me, eyes determined. He stopped, gave me a small smile, and stood beside me taking my other hand. I let out the breath I didn’t know I was holding.

             
My circle was complete.

             
“We will celebrate their lives by lighting the sky. You can put the names of those you wish to honor on the lantern. If you all, one at a time come forward, we can light your lantern.”

             
I turned to Roman who squeezed my hand softly. We walked hand in hand, silently, up to the front and collected our lanterns. Aidan nodded respectfully at me and I waited until he lit my lantern. We returned back to our original spot and waited until the rest of the students had theirs. Ms. Kraft led us in a small blessing and then we bowed our heads for a moment of silence. Then, one by one, we all let go of our lanterns and watched as they drifted weightlessly into the air. The sky was lit up with tiny floating lights. It was like hundreds of tiny orbs glistening in the sky. I shivered. Roman surprised me by wrapping his arm my shoulder and pulling me into him.

             
I didn’t protest. I rested my cheek on his chest and inhaled his deep, clean scent. Roman always smelled so good. It reminded me of when you first got out of the shower with the smallest hint of cologne. “I’m leaving,” he said. I pulled back. My heart stopped and I felt like all the air was sucked out of my lungs. “Just for a few days,” he finished, sensing the terror in my eyes. “I’m leaving tonight to go home. I just wanted to see you and tell you before I left. I need some time to think before I make my decision.”

             
“Okay,” I said, speaking around the lump in my throat.

             
“I should be back by Monday.”

             
“Okay,” was all I could manage without letting my emotions getting the best of me.

             
He looked at me with his deep, dark blues eyes, and it took all I had not to throw myself at him and beg him to stay. I knew it was only a couple of days, but a couple of days waiting while he stewed over a decision felt like an eternity. I brushed a piece of hair out of his face. He closed his eyes and swallowed. I placed my hand on his chest. “I have to go,” he whispered.

             
I threw my arms around him and pulled him close, afraid that might be the last chance I got to hold him or touch him. “I love you.”