The Way Home (17 page)

“This is not on her!” Houdini whirled to face him.

“Stop.” Susan shouted the word. “It is on me, Houdini. It is. It all is. He's right, none of this would have happened if I'd have never opened my stupid mouth!” Her hands shook, so she clasped them together. “And if you don't want me back in Center City, I get it.” Heavy silence fell over the group; even Houdini just stood there with his mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water.

Susan didn't know what she'd expected; of course they'd want her gone. Who could blame them? “You're wrong, Susan.” Houdini stepped in front of her, blocking her view of everything but him. “No one is even thinking that.”

Except they were and she knew it. She didn't have the heart to argue the point with him. Instead she stepped back from him, moved around him and walked away from the group. Voices began to mumble as soon as she was away from them, and she heard the hiss of angry voices but couldn't make out what was said. Susan stopped at the edge of the woods, stared out into them.

“Hey.” She turned at the sound of Vera's voice. “Turn around when I'm talking to you.” Susan turned, not sure what to expect. “You really do look like shit.”

“Gee, thanks.” Susan quipped before she could stop herself. “Vera, I'm...”

“Don't,” Vera held up a hand. “Please, don't say that you're sorry. Let's just go home, and we can figure everything else out later. You know, like usual.”

Chapter Fifteen.

“Houdini, are we boring you?” Deacon demanded, an edge to his voice that put everyone in the room on edge.

“I'm listening,” Houdini remained seated, and calm, with effort. Deacon had been pushing his luck since they returned to Center City. It seemed he was determined to hold a grudge over Vera's attack having a connection to Susan. He seemed to be the only one who felt that way, or at least who was vocal about it. “We're repeating the same shit we already know, which is jack shit.”

“If you have something better for us to discuss, I'd fucking love to hear it.” Deacon's voice was pleasant, which only made everyone sit up even straighter.

“I think we need to discuss earning some money, because right now, we don't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of.” Mike spoke up, surprising them all, because he very rarely spoke up. He'd taken on the role of treasurer, told them that he liked numbers. “We got lucky with the fact that all the banking information was still the same. If they'd have changed accounts, we'd have been broke before we even started. I think we need to consider all options at this point.”

“And what are our options, Mike?”

“They're slim. First, and most obvious thing, is that people and businesses are starting to get their settlements. We've helped them. We're protecting the town, so they should be looking to help us in return, especially if they want us to keep being able to protect them.”

“Doesn't seem right to threaten them just to get the books in the black.” Deacon shook his head.  “Most of them aren't getting back half of what they lost. We're only going to make them resent us if we ask for part of it. I can talk to Shepard, see if the Strays have anything they need taken care of.”

“As long as it brings in money,” Nate spoke up. “It's not just running low for the club.”

“I've got something,” Lance spoke up, “it would be worth some cash. Remember my friends with the grow in the park? Well, they're harvesting now and going to need someone to keep an eye on the stuff when they bring it down to the warehouse.”

“What are they offering to pay?”

“Ten thousand and a pound of weed. It's primo stuff. We could sell it ourselves, make even more money. We'd probably end up with twenty-five grand in the end.”

“Alright, let's vote on this.”

The vote passed; it was no surprise to Houdini. Nate wasn't the only one with nearly empty pockets. He hadn't had much chance to earn in Wyoming, but when he did, he'd earned well. Susan had steady work; writing scripts in a shady pain management clinic had paid pretty well, even if she had hated every moment of it.

With no other pressing business, the meeting ended. Houdini rose to his feet, stretched his arms over his head. Fuck, he was sore and he was tired. Plus there was a weird kink in his neck from the chair he'd been sleeping in for the last few nights.

Susan wasn't ready to share a bed. She'd made that crystal clear. He wasn't ready to leave her alone so he'd slept on the lumpy ass recliner positioned a few feet away from her. They were making progress. She was eating. She was sleeping, and she even made conversation as long as it didn't get too deep. They'd had a lot of fucking small talk, too much small talk.

“You good, Brother?” Deacon questioned.

“Yeah, I'm just going to go and grab something for dinner and head back to Susan.”

“You don't have to worry about the food, Vera and Adelaide were going to bring over something.”

Houdini's head snapped towards his friend. “Were they coming to bring her food or to try and get her to talk? I thought that I made it really clear that she's not ready, and I don't want anyone pushing her.”

Deacon held up his hands. “They were just bringing food and some clothes that Vera picked up for her. We care about her too, Houdini. No one wants to hurt her any more than she's been hurt, but she needs to deal with what happened and to realize that it's not her fault.”

Hearing the words was a shock to Houdini. Truth be told, he wasn't sure that Deacon had resolved the unfounded anger that he had towards Susan. “And you're believing that now?”

“I know I reacted badly to her news. I shouldn't have blamed her, she had no control over what he did, but it's Vera, and she almost died. And she's pregnant now. Pregnant.” He shook his head and sighed. “She's pregnant in the middle of all this shit. I've never been able to keep her safe before.”

“Yeah, I know that feeling. I lost her for over a month, believed that she was dead and packed her away.” Houdini remembered the expression on Susan's face when they'd returned to the apartment and she'd seen her things in boxes. “The only thing we can do is do better this time.”

“We'd better, because we've gotten really lucky so far, I'm not sure that luck is going to hold.” Deacon rubbed his hands over his face. “Go on and get back to her. I'm going to make sure Vera is actually resting like she's supposed to be.”

Houdini didn't need to be told twice. He walked out with Deacon, locked the front door before heading back to the apartment. The door to the apartment was shut and locked. Houdini drew his keys out and stepped inside. Susan hadn't heard the door open, she was on the bed, his sketchbook open on her lap. “Hey.” Houdini wished he'd have spoken more softly when she jumped at the sound and slammed the book closed.

“I didn't hear you come in,” her tone could only be described as nervous. “I'm sorry. I shouldn't have touched your things.” She fumbled the book in her haste to put it back on the table next to the bed.

“Doesn't bother me.” Houdini took off his cut, hung it neatly on the back of the door. “You see anything you like in there?”

“There was a lot of me.” She met his eyes but looked away quickly. “More than there were before.”

“You know how much I like drawing you.” Houdini moved to the chair he'd been sleeping on, took off his boots and let them drop to the floor. “I'm sorry, Susan.”

“Sorry?” She frowned at him.

“Sorry for packing you away, for believing that you were gone. Sorry for not finding you sooner, for not being able to spare you whatever the fuck happened to you.” Suddenly frustrated, Houdini rose to his feet, unable to just sit there. “You got taken. You got hurt, and I couldn't do anything.”

“You killed Rick.” Susan's voice was just above a whisper. “You're kind to me when you shouldn't be.”

“Don't say that. There's no reason for me to treat you any way but kind. I am not Rick. I love you, and I'd slit my own throat before I hurt you.” Houdini realized he was shouting when Susan began to shake. “Fuck.” He took a step back and sank down in the chair with his hands over his face. He heard Susan get off of the bed and waited for the sound of the door. Houdini was angry, mostly at himself for not keeping calm and spooking her. How did he expect her to trust him if he scared her?

Houdini thought that he was imagining the weight of a hand on his hair but then he caught the scent of Susan, not her perfume but her. He lowered his hands and saw her standing right in front of him. “I know that you won't hurt me.” Her hand stroked his hair softly and then she pulled back.

Unable to stop himself, Houdini reached out and wrapped his hand around her wrist. She went pale but didn't jerk away from him, and his heart began to beat harder. His grip was light; she could pull away easily, if that was what she wanted. “That's right, I'm not going to hurt you. I don't want to scare you. I just missed you so much. So much.”

Her pulse was pounding wildly, he could feel it, and if he'd have seen any trace of fear in her eyes he'd have let her go. But there was no fear, there was something else that reminded him of how she was before she was taken. Houdini rose slowly to his feet, kept his eyes on hers as he lifted her hand so that he could kiss her knuckles.

Susan let out a whimper but remained where she was, right there in front of him. Her breathing was heavy, her eyes were wide, but she continued to look at him. “Rick hurt me. He...” She shook her head. “I don't want to talk about it.”

“And we don't have to. I'm not going to hurt you. I just want to hold you.” Houdini couldn't have been more surprised when she took the step that closed the distance between them and wrapped her arms around him. His arms closed around her. Houdini began to cry.

He didn't know how long he cried, but Susan was still in his arms when he stopped. Her head was resting against his chest. “I missed you.” Houdini shifted to press his lips against her hair. “You okay?”

“I'm scared,” she admitted.

“He's gone. He can't hurt you.”

“I'm not scared of him. I'm scared of me.” Susan pulled back from him. “I can warm up the food that Vera made, if you're hungry.”

“Let's do it together,” Houdini suggested. “And we can talk more.”

“I'm not hungry, and I don't really want to talk.”

“Eventually, you know that we have to talk, right?”

“Why? What good is it going to do?”

“You shouldn't keep everything locked inside, Baby.” Houdini kept smiling even when she flinched at the word. “It's not good for you.”

“It's never going to happen,” she replied and it seemed that whatever progress they'd just made was lost. “I'm not hungry.”

“Did you eat today?”

“No.”

“You need to eat, get your strength back up.” And regain the weight that she'd lost. Even her own clothes were ill-fitting now, and regardless of how many times he tried to suggest that she go shopping, Susan refused.

“I'm an adult and a doctor. I know the importance of food,” she replied, anger firing in her eyes. “I don't need you to tell me to eat or to coddle me to do so.”

“I'm not...”

“Yes, you are and I get it, but it doesn't help me, Houdini. It just makes me feel shitty, like I'm letting you down or something, and I've done enough of that.” She put more distance between them, sat down on the bed. “I'm going to lie down for a while.”

Houdini sighed deeply as she didn't wait for his response before she got under the covers. He'd hoped to at least stretch out on the bed for a while but knew that getting in with her wasn't an option. Instead he moved over to the chair and sat down with a heavy heart.

When he'd first found Susan, he'd been sure that they'd get through everything somehow, that they would get back to the people they had been. Each passing day made it more obvious that they couldn't go back. Susan didn't want to go back, she was too busy carrying around blame and guilt that wasn't hers to carry. “Do you want me to leave?”

“No, you're fine. Noise doesn't bother me when I sleep.”

“I'm not talking about right now, Susan. I'm talking about in general. Do you want me to leave? I can find somewhere else to stay if you're not comfortable with me being here.”

“If you want to go, go.”

“I didn't say I wanted to go. I said I would, if that's what you want.”

“This is your place, it was your place before me, so if anyone should go, it really should be me.”  Susan sat up on the bed. “I can be gone in twenty minutes.”

“And where are you going to go?”

“I don't know. It doesn't really matter, does it?”

“Of course it matters.” Houdini sighed. “I don't know what to do here, Susan. I want to make everything right, and I don't know how to do that.”

“There's no way to make it right, Houdini. It is what it is.”

“I don't want you to leave,” he said after a moment.

“I've been thinking about it.” She spoke softly again, her eyes focused on the bed and not him. “Just getting in a car and taking off, going somewhere where no one is going to know everything I caused, where no one has heard the story. I'm going to forever be a fucking cautionary tale about revealing your true self.”

Houdini was surprised when she hopped off of the bed, began to pace back and forth. This was the most animated that he'd seen her since she'd been back. He didn't exactly know what to make of it, so he decided to ride it out and see where it went.

“I never wanted any of this to happen. Ever. I would have never opened my mouth if I'd thought.... All those people! That little boy. He was going to raise him and see what happened. What if that boy wasn't the first? What if...” Susan dissolved in a storm of tears, which physically brought her down to the ground. She curled up on the floor, body shaking.

“Jesus.” Houdini dropped down to his knees next to her. “It's not on you. It's on him. You've got to realize that, Baby. If not, it's going to drive you crazy. You're going to lose yourself.”

Her sobs quieted, tears still flowed, and when she spoke her voice was thick with all of the emotion. “I already have.”

“No, you haven't.” Houdini stretched out on the floor next to her. “I know that you can't see it, but it's the truth. I'm here. I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to take care of you. I'm going to take care of you right this time. I won't let anything happen to you ever again.”

Susan continued to shake, and he continued to talk, kept his voice low and his tone soothing. After a while, he wasn't even sure what he was saying, but she was calm, her eyes half closed. Houdini knew what it looked like when she was about to fall asleep. He was glad when she finally did, because it meant that she was no longer hysterical. Gently, he picked her up. Christ, she'd lost more weight than he realized. He carried her to the bed.