The Way We Were (7 page)

Strangely, though, when Alice’s parents were killed, she hadn’t cried that much. She’d got very low, and Ben had been really worried about her.

The tragedy had toughened Alice, though. She rarely cried at films any more. She was stronger and less emotional – except when it came to the girls: she worried about their whereabouts all the time. She liked to have her family close. Ben understood that, but sometimes it felt a little claustrophobic. If he didn’t answer her phone calls quickly, she’d
panic. She had got better over the years but still had a tendency to believe the worst was going to happen.

Thinking about her now, Ben felt bad about not calling that morning. He knew she’d be worried. He’d try to call her from the landline at the clinic.

‘Ben?’ Declan waved his hand in front of Ben’s face.

‘Sorry, I was miles away. Yes, I do like Helen. She’s a nice lady and she looks after my father well.’

‘You’re lucky. I’d really like my dad to meet someone. He deserves a bit of love. We tried to set him up with a few local women, but it didn’t work out. The first date was when Eddie lined up Marion from the bookie’s, but it was a disaster. She’s known as the local bike. She’d ride anything. Eddie said he was just trying to get Dad laid. But sure Dad wasn’t able for her at all. When she pulled out a pair of handcuffs he locked himself into the toilet and called Eddie to come and get her out of the flat.’

Ben laughed. ‘Maybe he should have started with someone a bit less … enthusiastic.’

Declan grinned. ‘You English public-school boys, you make everything sound really nice and tasteful. I would have said “slutty” but you said “enthusiastic”. I love it!’

‘At least they teach us something for the astronomical fees they charge.’

‘True. My school was the local national school. There were forty-three kids in my class. The main thing you learnt was how to survive the day without being punched in the face, having your lunch nicked or your head shoved down the toilet. Only four of us went on to college.’

‘Why did you decide on medicine?’ Ben asked.

‘Because I wanted to save people and make the world a better place.’

‘Right.’

Declan thumped Ben’s arm. ‘I’m joking. Our local doctor lived in the nicest house and drove the nicest car. I wanted that. Also, to be fair, I found the science subjects the easiest. What about you?’

Ben looked out of the window at the increasingly barren landscape as the car continued to climb. ‘I actually did want to save people and make the world a better place.’

‘Oh.’ Declan looked sheepish.

Now it was Ben’s turn to thump Declan’s arm. ‘Gotcha!
Casualty
was my mother’s favourite show. I used to watch it with her all the time. I decided that I wanted to be the guy in the scrubs, saving lives and shagging pretty nurses.’

‘How did that go for you?’ Declan asked.

‘Pretty well, until I met Alice.’

‘What age were you then?’

‘Twenty-five. She was a med student, too.’

‘A gorgeous med student from Dublin. I need one of those.’

Ben smiled, turned his eyes back to the road – and screamed, ‘
Declan!
’

Fifty yards in front of them, a jeep was blocking the road. Four men dressed in army fatigues were standing beside it, pointing guns directly at them.

‘Jesus Christ!’ Declan slammed on the brakes.

Their car skidded to a halt in front of the jeep.

‘Let me do the talking,’ Declan said.

‘What do they want? I have some money.’ Ben reached for his bag, when a gun went off. His heart leapt.

‘OUT! OUT!’ the gunmen shouted, coming up to the car and yanking the doors open.

Ben and Declan were dragged out of the Fiat. Ben instinctively put his hands in the air. ‘We’re doctors,’ he said.

‘We’re here to help your people,’ Declan explained. ‘We’re going to the St Marco clinic. We’re here to help,’ he repeated.

The oldest man stepped forward. He was about forty, tall and broad. He had an air of authority about him. The other three were in their early twenties. They looked to him for instructions.

‘I know who you are,’ the leader said, in surprisingly good English. ‘I know you are here to operate on Minister Kidane. But I need a doctor. My son is injured. You come with me to save my son.’

Two of the soldiers began to push them towards the jeep, while the other rifled through their bags. Ben saw him throwing their passports onto the ground beside the car. They took the money out of their wallets, then tossed them onto the ground, with Ben’s camera and laptop.

‘Hold on,’ Ben said. ‘Why can’t you bring your son to the clinic? We can treat him there.’

The leader shook his head. ‘You don’t understand. If I bring my son to the clinic, he will be arrested. You come with us now.’

‘After we’ve treated your son, will you let us go?’ Ben asked. His mouth was dry and his heart was pounding, but his voice sounded calm.

The leader shrugged. ‘If he survives, maybe.’

‘Well, I’m not going.’ Declan sat down on the road.

The leader shoved the butt of his rifle into Declan’s chest. ‘Get into the car or I will shoot you.’

‘Fair enough,’ Declan said, trying to seem unmoved, but as he stood, his legs buckled. Ben reached out to catch him.

‘It’s okay – we just need to stay calm.’

‘Screw that! This is not an “unfortunate event”, Ben, this is a “fucking disaster”.’

Ben gripped Declan’s arm. ‘Getting yourself shot isn’t going to help. Now shut up and stop antagonizing them.’

They were hustled into the jeep while the youngest of the men doused their Fiat in petrol and threw something into it. As they drove away they heard an explosion. They looked back to see their car engulfed in a ball of fire.

Declan looked at Ben. ‘We’re fucked,’ he whispered.

Daddy’s dead. The man rang Mummy to tell her eight hours, twenty-six minutes and eight seconds ago.

Jools was blowing out her candles and the phone rang and Mummy fell down and Uncle Kevin spoke to the man and he said, ‘Daddy’s dead and so is the other man, Declan.’

Mummy didn’t want us to know about the car exploding. She told us it was a car crash, but Jools and I heard her talking to Kevin later. They were in the kitchen and me and Jools were supposed to be getting ready for bed, but how could we? How could we just get ready for bed as if it was a normal day? We sat on the floor outside the kitchen door, listening.

Mummy kept crying and saying they thought it was a landmine and why was Daddy such a fool and why did he have to go off into the mountains to find some stupid clinic? Why couldn’t he just have stayed in the hotel and let Declan go to the clinic by himself? She screamed and screamed about Daddy being selfish and a bad word that starts with B, and running away from us to find adventure. She cried and cried and said, ‘Why weren’t we enough? Why did he have to go chasing danger? Why … why … why?’

Then she shouted that there wasn’t even a body to bury. Jools put her arms around me after that bit and we cried together. I cried quietly, but Jools cries like Mummy, very loudly.

Kevin heard her and came out. He pulled us into a big
hug. Mummy came out, too, and held us so tightly I could hardly breathe, but I didn’t mind. It made me stop thinking about the pain in my head for a minute. I felt as if it was going to burst open and my brain was going to fall out.

Mummy and Kevin kept saying, ‘It’s going to be all right,’ over and over again. But it isn’t. It’s the opposite of all right. It’s all wrong.

Then Mummy’s phone rang again and she had to talk to other people from the Foreign and Commonwealth Office for a long time. And then John Lester called and I could hear Mummy shouting, ‘This is your fault! You sent him to Eritrea and now he’s dead!’

I felt a bit sorry for John Lester because he didn’t make Daddy go. Daddy wanted to go. I could see how happy he was when he talked about his trip. He was all smiley, like he used to be. So it was a bit mean of Mummy to shout at John Lester.

I said so to Kevin, but he said I wasn’t to worry, that Mummy needed to shout a bit and that John Lester would understand. Then under his breath he said, ‘Stupid bad-word-beginning-with-F do-good surgeon.’ He didn’t think I heard him say that, but I did.

Kevin helped me into my pyjamas and told me to try and sleep. He said he knew I probably wouldn’t and that he’d check on me every twenty minutes. Jools came in and said she wanted to sleep with me. We cuddled up in my small bed and cried.

We couldn’t sleep so I got up and Googled ‘landmine’. One million three hundred and ten thousand results came up. I went to Wikipedia and read it out to Jools: ‘A landmine is an explosive device, concealed under or on the ground and designed to destroy or disable enemy targets, ranging from combatants to vehicles and tanks, as they pass over or near the device.’

Jools put her hands over her ears and screamed at me to stop. She was sobbing into my pillow, covering it with tears and snot. She said I was never to say the word ‘landmine’ again.

I promised I wouldn’t. Then I counted to twenty and asked her to give me my pillow so I could change the cover.

She said I was a freak to be worried about tears on a pillow when Daddy had just died. I said I wasn’t worried about the tears, I was worried about the snot. Jools shouted that she didn’t want to sleep with me because I was a lunatic and she went out, slamming my door behind her. Kevin came up. His eyes were all puffy and red. He asked me why Jools was shouting. When I told him what had happened, he smiled and said he would definitely have wanted to change the pillowcase too. He helped me find a clean one and then he went in to talk to Jools.

I went downstairs to see if Mummy was okay. I peeped in the kitchen door. She was kneeling on the floor, talking, I thought to herself, but then I realized she was talking to God and she was telling Him that He was cruel. I went over to her and put my arms around her.

She kissed my hands. I told her I loved her, then cried into her back. I think I might have put some snot there as well as tears. Then I felt even worse and cried harder.

Mummy pulled me around and sat me on her lap. ‘It’s okay, sweetheart. I’m here for you. Mummy’s here.’

At twenty-six minutes past one I got into bed. Kevin tucked me in and told me that I had to try really hard to sleep, or I’d ‘get sick’.

It’s forty-seven minutes past two and I’m still awake. I think my heart is breaking. I just can’t believe it – Daddy’s dead. My daddy, my lovely daddy, who always told me I was special. Daddy, who hugged me and swung me around when
I did well at school. Daddy, who tickled me until I screamed. Daddy, who said I was the best thing that ever happened to him. Daddy, who said he loved me more than all the stars and the moon and the world and the universe. Daddy, who helped me build a replica of
Titanic
for my school project and I won first prize. Daddy, who said I could be prime minister of the UK and make the country a better place. Daddy, who made me feel special every day. My daddy. Gone.

Alice woke up. Her eyes felt heavy and sore. She tried opening them, but the lids only moved a fraction. What was going on? She must have picked up conjunctivitis from a patient. She rubbed her eyes and they felt sore, but they opened. She turned to look at the clock and saw Jools lying beside her.

It hit her like a ton of bricks. BEN! She gasped for breath. NO no no no no no, God, please, no. It must have been a dream, just a bad dream. She closed her eyes. Maybe she was still dreaming. But the pain in her chest was suffocating.

She looked at Jools. Her daughter’s face was red and puffy, and she was whimpering in her sleep. It all came toppling down on Alice. It was real. Ben was dead.

The events of the night before came flooding back. Clipped accents from the Foreign and Commonwealth Office telling her about probable landmines and passports found at the site of the explosion and Ben’s wallet and how they would send his personal effects home to her but unfortunately there would be no body because of the magnitude of the explosion. There was no point in coming out: Eritrea was no place for a woman and two young girls, and Ben had been a ‘good man’ and a ‘credit to her and to his profession’ and on and on.

Alice knew Ben was a good man. He was a really good man, but he was also a selfish man, who had gone on a trip to assuage his mid-life crisis, and now he was dead and she
was a … a … widow. Alice bit her lip and sobbed quietly into her pillow. She didn’t want to wake Jools.

Her brain teemed with the questions that had been constantly whirling around in her head since that awful phone call. Why, Ben? Why? We had a good life, two beautiful girls and a lovely home. Why did you have to risk it all? Alice stuffed her pillow into her mouth to smother the sounds of her wailing, but her body was shaking uncontrollably.

Jools woke up. ‘What’s … where … why … Mum?’ she stuttered, opening her bleary eyes.

Alice watched her daughter, dreading the moment when the awful realization kicked in. Jools blinked, looked around and then Alice saw it, the frown, the shake of the head, the eyes widening, and then the look of horror.

‘MUM! Is it … did Dad … is … Oh, my God!’

Alice put her arms out and Jools fell into them. ‘Nooooooo, Mummy, please say it isn’t true. Please tell me I dreamt it.’

Alice held her in a tight embrace and rocked her. ‘I’m sorry, pet, I’m so sorry.’

Jools cried as if her heart would break. Alice felt as if hers already had.

While Alice tried to comfort her, she could hear Kevin talking to Holly in the next room. He had slept in her room so he could be there for her if she woke up during the night.

‘Kevin?’ Alice heard Holly ask.

‘Yes, angel?’

‘Do you think Daddy’s in Heaven?’

Alice knew that Kevin had forsaken all religion at a young age, but he knew the girls were being raised Catholic and was good enough to play along.

‘I think he’d be the first man in the door. Your dad was a great person.’

Holly began to cry. ‘Please don’t say “was”. Using the past tense makes me feel like it’s all over.’

‘I’m sorry, sweetie, your dad
is
a great man. Come here to me.’

Alice thanked God for her brother.

Jools pulled away. ‘What are we going to do without Dad?’

Alice tucked Jools’s hair behind her ears. ‘We’ll be all right. We have each other. I’m here for you, darling.’

Jools shook her head violently. ‘No. Dad was my person. It’s always been you and Holly, then me and Dad. Now I’ve got no one.’ She began to sob.

Alice didn’t think her heart could break any more. ‘Jools, I love you, and if you’ll let me, I’ll be your person.’

‘You can’t just be someone’s person. It’s not a job, it’s a feeling. Dad loved me the most and I knew it. I felt it all the time. We were really close. Like you and Holly have a connection, well, me and Dad had that, and now he’s gone and I have no one.’ Jools’s shoulders shook and her face crumpled with grief.

‘Come on, Jools, you have me. I love you so much.’

‘You just don’t get it.’ Jools wiped her tears.

Alice did, though. She understood completely because Ben had been her ‘person’, too. He was her husband, lover, confidant and best friend.

She also knew what Jools meant about her connection with her dad. They did have a special bond, like Alice with Holly. Perhaps it was because Jools looked so like Ben, and Holly was so like her. Maybe the physical resemblance to a child drew you closer to each other, or perhaps it was personality. She’d have to try really hard to become Jools’s person too.

She started by holding her elder daughter close to her. After a while, Jools’s breathing calmed down and she pulled out of her mother’s arms. ‘Does Granddad know?’ she asked.

Alice nodded. She had called Harold the night before. Telling her father-in-law that his only child, his pride and joy, was dead had been devastating.

Harold kept saying, ‘There must be some mistake,’ and ‘This just isn’t possible.’ And then, as the reality sank in, he began to cough and splutter, then hung up abruptly, muttering about needing a moment. Later he’d sent a text:
Alice, I’ll be up in London tomorrow to discuss arrangements. H

Alice didn’t want to see Harold. She couldn’t cope with him. Even in the full of her health she found him difficult to manage. He was so cold and aloof. In the twenty years she’d been with Ben, he’d never once hugged or kissed her. Even when her parents had died and she’d been in pieces, when he’d called at the house he had merely shaken her hand in sympathy.

When Alice’s mother was alive and Alice gave out about Harold being so cold, her mother always said that Harold was just from a different era when men didn’t show emotion and weren’t demonstrative. But Alice’s father had been of the same generation and he’d hugged her all the time. In fact, he was very in touch with his emotions – he’d cried all the time, too. It was a family joke that every time he watched
This Is Your Life
he’d end up reaching for his handkerchief.

At her wedding, Alice’s father had cried the whole way up the aisle. She’d had to hold him up and hand him over to her mother at the top of the church. Harold had been appalled. Alice could see his disapproving expression now as her father had walked her slowly to the altar, tears streaming down his face. She had been cross about Harold’s obvious distaste. She’d wanted to shout, ‘At least I know he loves me, at least I know he’s happy for me, at least I know he cares.’

Ben said he didn’t mind that his father was remote. He said his mother had made up for it. In fact, Ben suspected
that his father had pulled back because his mother doted on him.

Alice was very sad to have known Ben’s mum for such a short time. But she knew Ben’s mum had liked her. She’d told her so. One night when Ben was getting ready and Alice was having a glass of wine with her, she had leant over and said, ‘I’m so glad Ben met you. He should be with someone warm and loving.’

Alice had been thrilled. At that stage she was head over heels in love with him and knew she wanted to spend the rest of her life waking up beside him.

Ben was a perfect mix of his parents. Thankfully, his DNA had taken all of their good qualities and mixed them up to make a very special man. Ben had all of his mother’s zest for life, her sense of fun and enthusiasm, with his father’s drive and steeliness. It was an irresistible combination.

When Ben’s mother had died, Ben had leant on Alice while his father grew more distant. Alice had tried to talk to Harold about his grief and to draw him out, but he had stonewalled her every time. Eventually, she had given up.

The other problem with Harold was that he was allergic to Kevin. He couldn’t seem to handle him being openly gay, and for some reason Kevin, who was normally not that camp, turned into a caricature of himself in Harold’s company.

Kevin said it was because Harold made him uncomfortable. ‘I can’t help myself. I become camper than a row of tents when that man is around,’ he explained. ‘He’s so bloody disapproving. It just sends me into a tailspin.’

Alice had found it best to keep them apart as much as she could. The last time they’d been in the same room was on Christmas Day a year ago, when Harold had called Kevin an embarrassment. Kevin had been completely over the top, but Christmas was always hard for him because he was alone.
If it wasn’t for Alice, he would have spent Christmas on his own – he had no parents, no partner, no kids. It was hard for him and made all the worse because he’d just been dumped by a guy he’d really liked.

Since that day, Alice had seen Harold only three times. She’d let Ben take the girls to visit him in Tunbridge Wells. The girls hated going because there was nothing to do, and Harold refused to allow them to watch television or eat sweets. His new wife, Helen, had eased things a little, but she was almost as cold as he was.

‘Mummy.’ Holly climbed into bed with her mother and sister, while Kevin went down to the kitchen to put on the kettle. She clung to Alice. ‘I woke up and forgot.’

‘I know, love, we all did.’ Alice stroked Holly’s tear-stained face.

‘It’s been twelve hours, seventeen minutes and, um … forty-six seconds since that man rang up.’

Jools groaned. ‘For God’s sake, Holly, will you stop bloody going on about the time? Who cares when it happened? It happened.’ Jools began to cry again.

‘Sssh now.’ Alice rubbed Jools’s back.

Holly’s lip wobbled. ‘Working out numbers helps to stop my head hurting. I can’t do anything about my heart – it feels as if it was squashed by something heavy – but if I do numbers my head hurts a bit less.’ She burst into tears.

Kevin walked into the room bearing a tray laden with tea, orange juice and chocolate biscuits, to find all three in a huddle on the bed, crying uncontrollably.

He placed the tray down and said, gently but firmly, ‘Come on, girls, I need you to drink some sugary tea or orange juice and eat a biscuit. The sugar will give you an energy boost. We need our strength today. Now, this cup of coffee is for your mother only.’ Kevin handed Alice a cup and mouthed, ‘Brandy.’

Alice drank the alcohol-laced coffee gratefully. She was going to need all the help she could find to get through today.

Kevin helped the girls get dressed while Alice had a shower. She stood under the water and cried her eyes out. She raged at God, life, Fate and Ben. She thumped the shower wall until her hands ached. When she got out, she curled up on the floor, unable to move.

Kevin came in and closed the door. ‘Alice.’ He pulled her to her feet. ‘You can’t do this. You can’t fall apart. I know you want to – I know this is a complete nightmare – but the girls need you. Now come on. I’ll help you every step of the way.’

He dressed her, putting her clothes on for her as if she was a little girl. Then he dried her hair and tried to put some make-up on her face. But Alice kept crying and the mascara kept running, so he gave up. ‘Well, at least you’re clean and you smell nice.’

Alice stood up and hugged him. ‘Thank you.’

Kevin hugged her back. ‘I’m here for you, sis.’

‘Why did he do it, Kevin?’ Alice started crying again.

‘Alice, he was trying to help other doctors. It was a freak accident. It wasn’t his fault.’

‘Why did he have to go?’

‘Because he was Ben.’

‘I hate Ben.’

‘No, you don’t.’

‘How am I going to live without him?’ Alice cried.

Before Kevin could try to answer that impossible question, there was a knock on the front door. Alice heard Jools say, ‘Hello, Granddad.’

‘Shit, it’s Harold. Already,’ Alice whispered.

Kevin grasped his sister’s hand. ‘You can do this. Remember, he’s heartbroken too.’

They went downstairs to the kitchen, where Jools, Holly
and Harold were sitting at the table. Holly was telling Harold how many hours, minutes and seconds had elapsed since the phone call from the Foreign and Commonwealth Office.

When Kevin and Alice walked in, Harold stood up. Alice was shocked. He had aged ten years overnight. He looked terrible. On impulse, Alice went over and put her arms around him. ‘Oh, Harold,’ she said.

He drew back. ‘Was it your idea?’ he said, eyes flashing.

‘What?’ Alice was confused.

‘Eritrea! Was it your idea for him to go there?’

‘No.’

‘When I rang the Foreign and Commonwealth Office for details, they said Ben was with some Irishman. I presumed he was a friend of yours. Or his.’ Harold jabbed his finger in Kevin’s direction.

Alice’s grief turned quickly to anger. How dare Harold accuse her of ‘sending’ Ben to Eritrea? She clenched her jaw to stop herself screaming at him. ‘I’ve never met Declan. He was John Lester’s registrar. He went to assist Ben during the operation. As a matter of fact, I totally disagreed with the trip and begged Ben not to go.’

‘It’s true. Ben planned the whole thing himself. Alice didn’t know anything about it until he announced he was going. He wanted to go. He was very excited about the trip,’ Kevin said, defending his sister.

Harold wouldn’t even look at him. ‘Please stay out of this,’ he growled.

Alice could see Jools out of the corner of her eye. She was crying again. She needed to calm things down and take control of the situation. ‘Harold, there’s no need to be rude to my brother. I know you’re upset. We all are. We’re all in shock. No one is to blame. It was a horrible accident.’

‘Bloody Africans, a law unto themselves. Never could control them. Dreadful lot, no morals,’ Harold barked.

Holly’s eyes widened. ‘The Eritrean people have had a terrible history. They were colonized by the Italians and then had a long war with Ethiopia. They only got independence in 1992.’

‘So what?’ Jools shouted. ‘It doesn’t mean they had to plant landmines in the ground and blow up innocent people.’

Alice gasped. ‘How did you –’

‘Know about the landmine?’ Jools cut across her mother. ‘We heard you talking to Kevin. We know what happened, Mum. We know it wasn’t a car crash. We know there’s no bo-bo-body.’ Jools began to wail.

Alice rushed over to comfort her.

‘It’s been fifteen hours, seventeen minutes and twelve seconds since the man rang,’ Holly said, as tears streamed down her face.