The Weight of Destiny (11 page)

“What’s strange?” I tried not to ask him, really, I did. It shouldn’t matter. But this is the second time he’s said something about us is strange.

“Nothin’.”

Whatever. I start my first calculus problem. I smell his soap again. Instead of working, he fingers the leather bracelet on his wrist.

“So, what
do
you do?” Ryder asks a few minutes later.

Without looking at him, I reply, “Do?”

“For fun.”

Don’t look his way. If you do, you’ll stop working, and that’s not what you came here for. It’s not what you need.
“FBLA. I’m also president of student council. I do some volunteering. Oh, and I’m organizing this fundraiser for school where—”

“I said for fun.”

I slap the pencil down on the desk and jerk my head his way. “That
is
fun for me. Would it be cooler if I said partying and bonfires on the beach?”

“Maybe a little.” Ryder holds up his hand, his fingers open about an inch. He’s smiling, but it looks almost fake. His eyes glance my way, and then around my room, then down, and I realize he’s not being a jerk, he’s uncomfortable. Out of his element. Unsure.

I wonder if this is the first time he’s felt something like that. Ryder doesn’t strike me as the kind of guy who feels insecure often.

“We came here to do homework, remember?”

“No,
you
came here to do homework. I came because you’re beautiful.”

And... there goes my blush again.

Tit for tat. He’s nervous so he’s trying to do the same to me. “Hand me your backpack.”

“Yes, boss.”

“That’s the second time you’ve called me that. Why?”

“Because you’re a future business leader of America, remember? And you’re bossy.” He winks his blue eye at me.

My elbow makes contact with his side and he groans even though I know it wasn't hard enough for it to hurt. “I’m not bossy. I’m self-assured. Hand me your bag.”

Ryder raises a brow. Okay, so I’m a little bossy.

He hands me his backpack and I eye him as if to ask if I can open it. He nods and I pull out an Algebra book with a piece of paper stuffed inside. “Come on, we’ll do yours first.”

And then I set my table on the floor, lie on my stomach and set his work out in front of me. Ryder pauses, waits so long that I’m not sure he’s going to move, but then finally he stretches out next to me.

For the next hour, we do his homework together. He’s a little confused by the equations so I explain some of the formulas. The longer I talk, the more I expect him to tell me to shut up and that he doesn’t give a crap about this, but he doesn’t. He actually listens.

After he finishes the last problem, I feel his eyes on me, trying to look inside me. “Your eyes scrunch up right here when you’re concentrating.” He rubs his thumb against the side of my forehead beside my eyes, which are now drifting closed.

“I wanna kiss you again, Virginia. That’s it. Just kiss.”

It’s as though he knows I needed to hear that last part. I open my eyes and turn his way. I’m mid-nod when his lips capture mine. They’re softer, gentler than they were the first time. He brushes his thumb over the same spot he previously touched before pushing his hand through my hair. He rolls me over, but doesn’t lie on me like he did at the beach. Just leans over me, pressing tender kisses to my mouth. Exploring it with his tongue as though it’s a foreign land that he’s just discovered.

“My head is wrinkling your paper,” I say when his mouth moves to my neck.

Ryder chuckles against the skin there. “I don’t care.”

We kiss some more. Kiss so much my lips feel raw but I don’t care. Soon, my hand is on his chest like it was at the beach, and I’m easing him away. “My Dad will be back soon. I should get you home.”

But I don’t want to. He gazes down at me. I don’t want him to leave, and I don’t want to know what that means, either. Because if I do, my name will change to Fear again, and I’ll run.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

~Ryder~

She’s quiet while I pack up all my stuff. There’s this thought bearing down on my brain, and I wonder if I shouldn’t have kissed her again. Maybe it was the wrong thing to do. She obviously has some shit going on, and she needs to clear her head, yet I decide it’s the best time to make out with her.

I feel all upside down and backward with her. It’s easier to use my mouth on her sometimes rather than trying to figure out what to say, or how to say it. Not that I don’t want to kiss her, because yeah, I definitely want that, but it’s like I’m trying to find my way through a maze when I’m with her. She’s always surprising me, and I’m not used to that. I don’t know how to navigate it.

That shit with the homework. I don’t know why it’s got me on edge but it does. My friends never would have cracked open a book with me (not that I would have with them, either). Luke would have made me feel stupid about it, like I’m not smart enough to work on my own or that I don’t know what I should be doing.

It wasn’t like that with Virginia.

I can’t figure out why that matters.

The quiet continues on the drive to my house. The word sorry teases my tongue but I can’t make it come out. I don’t really do that—apologize. Not typically. And I also don’t know if I have something to apologize for.

She pulls up in front of my shitty house and I sit there for a minute. This is ridiculous. I’m being lame. If I want to say something, all I need to do is open my mouth. I’ve never been like this, and it’s all kinds of screwed up. “I never got that before. The math.”

Totally not what I expected to say.

“Yeah?” she asks, excitement making her voice go up a notch, and suddenly I’m glad those were the words I spoke.

“I never cared before. I don’t know if I do now, but…thanks. For not talking to me like I’m stupid, or pushing me into it. I guess thanks for not assuming homework’s not something I would do, either.”

Her lips spread into a huge smile. It’s like she’s letting me in for the first time. She’s laughed and smiled before, but not at me. Not like this.

“But I wouldn’t… Have done it. You should probably know that. I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn’t have done my work today if I hadn’t been with you.” She should know who she’s with. There isn’t anything about me that is like her. I don’t want to lie to her about that.
Then why haven’t you told her everything? That my eyes cased her house when I walked in, thinking of all the money in it.

“I guess it’s good that you were with me then. And maybe…” She tilts her head down. My hand suddenly has a mind of its own and slides under her chin, lifting slowly until she’s looking me in the eyes again.

Just as I’m about to ask her, maybe what, she takes a deep breath and speaks. “Maybe you’ll have to be with me more often so we can make sure you keep it up.”

That’s my girl. There’s fear in her eyes, fear of what she said and probably of saying it, but she did it anyway. It doesn’t surprise me. I see how strong she is. Earlier, I thought she was the kind of girl Dad would take advantage of, but I was wrong. She would never allow something like that to happen.

“It’s my eyes, isn’t it? The colors get girls every time. Either that, or the piercings.”

Virginia shakes her head, but I can tell she wants to grin at what I said. We both need to steer clear of the topic of fear, though. Even though I’ve never really been scared of anything in my life, I bet my eyes reflect hers. I’ve never wanted to be with someone the way I find myself wanting to be with her, and that, ladies and gentlemen, is scary as fuck.

“See ya later, boss lady.” I let my hand run down the side of her face, and then I get out. When I make it to my front door, I turn toward her car. It’s not until then that she drives away.

It’s not until then that I realize something else, too.

I feel
good
.

And not the way I typically do. Not because I’m high or spent the day having fun with my friends. I can’t explain it. I just feel
good,
in the same way I would when Dad looked at me with pride in his eyes, or when I was like eleven and Luke hung out with me all day. He took me to the park and we got ice cream bars. Neither of us had money, and I told him I’d steal them, but he told me he didn’t want that for me. It made me feel like he thought I might be good at something besides stealing, and it made me feel awesome all day.

We made a fort in his room that night, which he was totally too old for. We stayed up late watching movies. It was like three a.m. when he pulled this book out from under the bed. It was a book about all the states and what each of them was known for. He told me all the places he wanted to go. That was the first time I realized Luke wanted to leave me. He never once mentioned me going with him. That’s when I decided I couldn’t afford to need him. He saw me just like he did Dad.

The door sticks a little when I push it open. My forehead wrinkles when I see Mr. Perfect in the kitchen. He was supposed to be at work tonight.

“I made homemade pizza bread. Remember when we used to do that? We’d eat them every night for like a week straight.” Luke pops one of his knuckles.

“Huh?” We don’t sit down to dinner together. We don’t make pizza bread together anymore.

“Funny. It’s dinner. Let’s eat.” He nods toward the table, and then goes to the fridge. “Are you home for the night?”

“Yeah.” I head for the kitchen.

“Want a beer?”

“Excuse me, what? Didn’t you just give me shit the other day for drinking?”

Luke sighs. He’s standing by the open fridge. It’s old and yellow and makes too loud a noise. “I’m trying here, Ry. Do you want a drink or not?”

I glance at the door, half expecting a TV show to bust in and say this is all a big joke or something. When nothing happens, I nod. “Yeah. Cool. Thanks. I’ll grab the plates.”

Luke takes two beers out of the fridge while I take two plates from the cabinet. I toss a couple pizza breads on each of them and set them on the table. He sits first, then eyes me and the chair, before I join him.

“You need a new hoodie,” he says before taking a bite. I finish chewing what’s in my mouth before replying.

“Yeah.”

“We’ll get you another one.”

Okay, what’s going on here? He’s supposed to be telling me how irresponsible I am and that he doesn’t have the money to buy stuff like that. “You don’t have to. Tanner’s closet is as big as my bedroom. He said he’ll give me one.”

“That’s nice of him. What are they up to? Your friends? They haven’t been around much lately.” I don’t know why, but I get this light, almost floaty feeling in my chest as he speaks to me like this, all normal and shit. Like brothers.

“Same, I guess. Tan and Cody are attached at the lips like always. Shane’s worried about his mom. He thinks she’s using again.”

Luke curses. “Tell him to come crash on the couch. There’s always room for him.”

The sensation in my chest expands at that. Luke doesn’t think much of my friends, but he’s cool to them, and that means a lot to me.

“What about you and Drea?”

I roll my eyes. “There is no me and Drea.” He’s always thought that, no matter how many times I’ve said we’re only friends. Friends who mess around sometimes, but friends all the same. “She’s doing okay, though. She hasn’t really said much.”

Luke takes a bite of his pizza, chews and swallows, and then takes another one. We don’t talk as we both eat, and I have to admit, it’s pretty cool. Just chilling with him.

When his food is gone, he leans back in his chair and says, “I got a call from your principal today. He said you didn’t do your homework and you skipped your last couple classes. You can’t do that anymore, Ry. You need to get serious.”

The lightness is gone, replaced by a heavy weight in my chest. It won’t matter if I tell him I did my work. Hell, I could even show him, but I won’t. Can’t he trust me? Ask for my side before automatically giving me shit?

That’s not what has me feeling like I want to burst out of my own skin, though. He didn’t want to hang out with me tonight. This dinner was a screwed up ploy before he opened his mouth to tell me how much of a disappointment I am. Just like that day when I was eleven, he made me think one thing just so he could drop a bomb on me. The worst part is, he took away the satisfaction I felt from my afternoon with Virginia.

“Why does it matter? We both know I’m destined to be just like Dad anyway.”

Luke groans. Without another word, I get up and go to my room.

CHAPTER NINETEEN

~Virginia~

I’ve talked to Ryder every day since we did homework at my house. It’s only been a few days, but still. I’m not sure what it means, and, honestly, it’s easier not thinking about it. That’s probably not healthy, but I decide not to think about that, either.

It’s Friday, my sleepover with Hailey and Jamie. We used to do this way more often than we do now. It’s strange how sometimes things like that stop or slow down and you don’t really have a reason why. They’re still my best friends, and I know I’m still theirs, but I haven’t been showing it the way I should. Tonight is about changing that. Even though they don’t know it, they’ve kept me sane when I’ve felt like falling apart.

“Do you realize we’ve eaten pizza, popcorn and ice cream all in one night? I feel like I’m going to explode.” Hailey puts a pale hand on her stomach, her blonde hair fanning out on my bed.

My phone buzzes. When I glance over, I see it says Mom again and I ignore it.

“I was about to ask Lulu if she had any chips.” Jamie grins, and I know she’s probably telling the truth. She’s always been able to eat what she wants and not gain weight. She’s also the most active of us all. She’s played sports all her life, and has a toned body to show for it.

“I hate you.” Hailey grabs a pillow and hits her with it, making us all laugh.

I watch them for a second. Both of my friends are gorgeous—Jamie the athlete, with her perfect dark skin and gorgeous hair, and Hailey, the angel.