The Weight of Destiny (13 page)

Virginia keeps working, from one subject to the other. She couldn’t concentrate before, I remind myself. Somehow, I’m doing something for her. Me. Ryder, the guy who has two strikes, is good at stealing, and whose brother hates him. But for her, I do something.

I think I have a girlfriend…
Not someone I mess around with and not a friend with benefits. A girlfriend.

And I think I like it, too.

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

~Virginia~

He hasn’t kept his hands off me the whole time I’ve been doing my homework. It’s different from the other times he’s touched me. Where before it was sexual, this time it’s just…touch. That’s the only way I know how to explain it, though I don’t know if that makes any sense.

It makes my blood run faster through my veins and my heart thump harder, but I’m somehow relaxed as well. I’ve sat here doing homework, clearing my head, which is something I struggled with before Ryder came over. I question if that’s a good thing or not.

“Finished.” I close my last book and set it on the floor.

“Do you get straight A’s?” he asks, looking up at me from his spot on the bed.

“Yes.”

“I knew the answer to that. Don’t even know why I asked. I don’t, Virginia. I’m not into school like you are. That’s not who I am.” His voice holds a hint of vulnerability that sounds so out of place there. He’s cocky, and has a bad mouth.

“So?” It’s funny how a few weeks ago I never would have imagined myself using that word after what he said—coming from anyone, not just a boy. But he wouldn’t be here right now if he was a different kind of boy. I see that.

“It’s not that I don’t want you to do well. School is important. I think you
can
do well, but…” But what? I like the edge in him? I shouldn’t. That’s a very bad thing. And it makes me feel selfish. “We’ll do your work next time, too. I mean, not if you don’t want to. I’m not trying to push you, and it’s not that I don’t think you can do it on your own, but—”

“Shh.” He presses a finger to my lips. “It’s not that I don’t think you’re cute as hell when you ramble, but I know what you meant. You don’t make me feel like I’m not good enough, which is kind of fucked up and unexpected, but it’s true.”

The sadness in his voice makes me wonder if
he
thinks he’s not good enough. It makes me wonder who else makes Ryder feel that way. And I can’t help but think that if I had met him on a different night of my life, I might have thought the same thing.

Electricity zaps at my nerve endings as I lean down. As I press my lips to his for the first time. It’s a quick kiss, and my face is on fire, but I’m glad I did it. “Do you want some Diet Dr. Pepper? I’m thirsty.” My body practically bounces out of the bed I move so quickly.

And there it is. His cocky smile. He has his arms behind his head, grinning, because he knows I’m embarrassed. The jerk.

“I’m okay. Thanks, though.”

“I’ll get you one anyway. I’ll be right back!” I nearly stumble, I take the stairs so quickly. When I make it to the kitchen, I suck in a deep breath. There’s a good chance it’s the first one I’ve taken since I kissed him.

I just finish pouring two cups of Diet Dr. Pepper when the front door opens and closes.
Oh no.

Halfway there, I run into who just came in, and it’s not Dad, it’s Mom.

“I can’t do this, Virginia. I tried and tried to give you your space, but I can’t do it anymore!” She sounds slightly panicked. Not in real freak-out mode, but it could get there quickly.

My pulse is going so fast, it makes my chest hurt. My eyes dart up the stairs. I left my door open. “You have to go. I can’t do this right now, Mom.” Did I speak quietly enough?

“No, I can’t do that anymore. Look, I’m sorry for everything you’ve had to deal with because of me. I know it’s not easy, baby girl, and I know I’ve hurt you, but what you’re doing—pretending none if this is happening—it’s not healthy. I spoke to my psychiatrist and—”

“Mom!” This time I do scream. It’s the only way to make her hear me. “Let’s go outside.” But then…what if the neighbors hear?

She’s in that place where she can’t hear a word I’m saying, though. Her mind works overtime. It’s always been like that. She’s pacing in front of me and running a hand through her hair. “You won’t write. You won’t write because of me. I know about the young writer competition. Your teacher wants you to do it. She thinks you have a chance to win. You’re good, and you like it. I know you do. Don’t run from your talent because it makes you feel closer to me.”

I flinch, her words hitting me in the chest. She knows. I didn’t realize she knew what scares me about it. That my biggest fear is being like her. But then I’m angry, too. How does she know what I like? What I want? “Stop trying to turn me into you! Maybe I hate it. Maybe I want nothing to do with giving my life to people who don’t exist! I just want to be normal.” My eyes are burning now, and my face is wet. I’m crying. I can’t even remember the last time I cried in front of her, and I hate it. Tears make me feel weak.

That’s when I see the flip in her. Her emotions have always run high. She has a fiery temper. Not that she would ever hurt me, because she wouldn’t, but she’s angry, and Mom doesn’t believe in holding back how you feel. “Don’t do that to me. It’s not fair. Don’t you dare tell me I am not normal. I’m still your mother, and you need to respect me. My DID is not my fault.”

I know that. I do. I think. But… “It’s not mine, either!” Yet, it still hurts me. It hurts me all the time. “How do I even know you’re
you
right now! I can’t ever trust you. I never know who you are.” No one can understand what that’s like. To know that at any moment, your mom can become someone else. Someone who hates you or doesn’t want you. To need her so badly, only to see her look at you with disgust and say,
ugh, it’s you again.
Still, my words have hurt her. I can see the pain reflecting in her eyes as if I have struck her.

Mom pauses for a moment, wipes her eyes, gives me a sad smile and then walks out. I want to follow her and say I’m sorry. I want what I said not to be true. I want to run away so I don’t have to face Ryder.

But I don’t. Instead, I wipe my eyes, clear my throat and walk up the stairs. When I get to the landing, I see him standing in my doorway, hands in his pockets.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

I go to walk past him, but his right arm shoots out, blocking the doorway. “I know.” Then he wraps that arm around me and pulls me to him.

And I let him.

He runs his hand through my hair, holding me against him, tightly.

And I let him do that, too.

He had to have heard everything; I have no doubt about that, but he doesn’t ask. He’s the only person I know who wouldn’t ask. Ryder just holds me. I breathe him in. My eyes start to water again but I don’t stop them. I let myself feel, because most of the time, I’m too afraid to feel. I hurt her, but I didn’t want to. She’s hurt me before as well.

I never know if she will hurt me again.

Whether it’s her fault or not, that doesn’t change what it does to my heart.

It also doesn’t change what I just did to hers. I lost it, just like she does. “Do you ever feel like you’re destined for something no matter how hard you try not to be?”

Ryder wraps his other arm around me. He’s a whole head taller than I am, and his arms have moved up around my shoulders. I feel his lips press to the top of my head. “More than you know.”

There once was a girl named Destiny. She was the fastest runner in the world.

No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t outrun who she was. Then she met a boy. He said his name was also Destiny, and for the first time in her life, she didn’t feel like she was running alone.

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

~Ryder~

I heard everything Virginia and her mom said.

I don’t know what the hell most of it meant. I heard stuff like,
how do I know you’re you,
and
DID
, whatever that is. The only thing I do know is that it hurt Virginia, and I want to be the one who makes it better for her.

We sit on the bed and I almost tell her how strange this is again. I’ve never held a girl if she wasn’t just a friend, or if I wasn’t making out with her at the time, but I’m not sure how well that will go over. I’ve already told her more than once this situation is weird, and I’m not sure I want to keep drawing attention to that fact. I don’t want her to realize it and make it go away.

After a while, her body language changes. She isn’t holding me back, and then she’s pulling away altogether.

“My dad will be home soon. I should take you home.”

“Go with me,” I nudge her. “I know you have a plan and this isn’t part of it, but let’s just go have fun tonight. My friends are going to a party on this private stretch of beach. Come with me. Get your mind off things, or whatever. You can even help me with my homework first.” When she smiles, I wink at her.

“Yeah…sure…okay.” Virginia calls her dad and tells him she’s hanging out with her friends Jamie and Hailey tonight. I get a tightness in my chest, wondering if it’s because of who I am that she’s lying or if she would say the same thing if I went to her school.

When we get to my house, I run in and grab my backpack. We could stay here. We totally should stay here, but I don’t tell her that. My house reminds me of all the ways we’re different.

We park by our spot and do my homework in her car. Then we go into town and grab chicken nuggets and fries, sharing the meal in her car.

I give her directions to the spot where the party is. When we pull up, she pauses before getting out. Fear rushes through me as though someone injected it into my veins. “We won’t get caught. We come here all the time. The cops don’t bother with it.” We’re close enough that I can nudge her arm again. “If anything happens, I’ll take care of you.”

This gets her attention. Virginia turns my way and hits the interior light. “I can take care of myself.”

“I know.” Boss lady is an independent woman.

The words seem to surprise her, but she nods and says, “Thank you. For not asking, and for saying that. I…” Without continuing, she gets out of the car. I do the same and follow her to the back, where she opens the trunk. It’s dark out, but there’s a streetlight not too far away, showing me what she holds in her hand. “I got this for you the other day. Just in case.”

A hoodie. A way better hoodie than I would have bought.

And she got it for me.

My chest starts to expand; okay maybe it’s not, but it feels like…like it’s growing and I can’t fucking stop it. Things are moving around inside—shifting and making space. For her.

What are you doing to me?
I want to ask her but I don’t have the balls to do it. Instead, I kiss her. Like I always do, I have to tilt her head up because she’s so much smaller than me. Our lips fit together, move together, and I sort of want to live here—in this moment, kissing Virginia.

She’s the one who pulls away first. I pull the black hoodie on and zip it. The thing fits perfectly. “Let’s go.” I nod toward the water. It’s a little hike to get there, which is probably why the cops don’t bother.

We use our phones for flashlights as we make our way down the hidden embankment. There’s a light in the distance, music playing and people yelling.

“Are you sure we won’t get caught?” There’s a slight hitch in her voice.

“I’ll make sure you’re okay. I promise.”

It doesn’t take long for us to make it to the party. There’s got to be at least a hundred people here—college and high school students. I doubt there’s anyone from Cliffton, except for Virginia.

Opening and closing my hand, I wonder if I should take hers. It’s not something I’ve ever really thought about before and I don’t want to do the wrong thing. Before I get the chance, I see Shane, Drea, Tanner and Cody sitting around a mini fire. Shane sees me first and nods his head. Tanner stands and then Cody and Shane do the same.

Drea is the last, her eyes sort of squinting as she takes us in.

“What’s up?” I bump knuckles with all of them, except Drea, who doesn’t offer hers.

“This is Virginia. Virginia, this is Shane, and Drea. The two who are attached to each other are Tanner and Cody.”

I don’t expect it to be Cody who holds his hand out and shakes hers first. “Hey.”

“Hi,” Virginia replies, and then Tanner and Shane tell her hello and shake her hand. When she gets to Drea, her hand isn’t out.

“Gotta go. Darren just got here.” She jogs off without another word. Darren’s around a lot. I guess him and Drea are hooking up again.

They’d saved me a chair but I give that one to Virginia and take Drea’s until she comes back. Tanner opens a small cooler. I try and shake my head at him but he doesn’t notice and offers her a beer.

“No, thanks.”

He looks at me next and I shake my head. I wonder what she sees when she looks at my friends. Shane is the most clean-cut-looking one of us. He has a piercing in his lip but that’s it. His hair’s black and shorter than mine. He almost looks like someone Virginia would know.

Tanner has his Mohawk, both his ears are pierced and he wears a lot of bracelets on his wrists. Cody’s hair is obviously bleached, but darker underneath. It’s messy as hell. He has at least one hand on Tanner all the time, almost like he needs him. He has drawings on his hands like tattoos. There’s a flower covering the top of one and a random design on the other. They match some of the artwork he does around town.

We’re a fucked up group.

What the hell was I thinking bringing her here?

“So…how much is he paying you to hang out with him?” Shane asks her. The second the words leave his mouth, his face pales as if he realizes how it sounds.

“What the fuck, man?” I make it halfway to my feet before Virginia is touching my hand and Shane is speaking.

“I didn’t mean for it to sound like you’re a hooker! I just wanted to give him shit, like he couldn’t get a girl like you to hang out with him unless you’re getting something out of it.” He holds up his hands. “That was a bag on him. Not you, I swear.”