The Weight of Destiny (17 page)

“I’ll never push you with shit like that. If you want to tell me, I’m here. If you don’t, I won’t try and talk you into it.” We all have our own shit, and we deal with it in our own way.

“It’s not like you probably don’t know… You heard her that day. One internet search is all it would take.”

She’s right about that. After that day she fought with her mom, I’ve always known something is up with them, known she somehow hurts Virginia. They tossed around a lot of crap. The letters DID stuck out. “I didn’t look it up. I wanted to, but I didn’t. Like I said, I won’t push. I want to know, but only if you tell me, not because I think I deserve to know. Not because I went behind your back.” Luke has always been in my business like that. He never wants to hear what I say, because he’s already decided the answers before he speaks to me.

“Hey.” I release her hand and wipe the one tear that escapes her eye. “Why are you crying?”

“Because you’re better than you realize, Ryder Blackstock. It scares me as much as it sets me free.”

She deserves to be free from whatever it is that’s trapping her. And I want that, what she said, to be true. I want to be better than who I’ve always thought I am.

“Turn left at the next light. I know where we can go.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

~Virginia~

Ryder leads me to a diner, or a café, I guess.
Annie’s Café
. I don’t really know why we’re here.

“Do they have good food here, or something?” Even if they do, Ryder doesn’t typically want to go out, because he often doesn’t have money. It bothers him, though I wish it didn’t. Money doesn’t matter to me. Not that I don’t know I’m blessed to have it. I do, but it’s not important to me that he doesn’t have what I do.

“Come on. Let’s go in.” He nods toward the building. It has a big, red awning around half of it with windows all along the front.

He has his backpack up front with him, so he grabs it. I take mine out of the back, and then follow him as he walks. It’s funny how you can tell a mood someone’s in just by seeing them from behind. Their body language tells the story for them, and Ryder’s is saying he’s nervous.

He holds the door open for me, this boy with piercings in his lip, who likes to party and doesn’t really care about school, though I’m not really sure how true the last part is. I think he cares; he just never had anyone who let him show it. He’s stubborn. If you push, he pushes back so it's important to just let him be.

“Thanks.”

“No problem—”

“Hey, Ryder!” A girl with red hair cuts him off. She looks like she’s in her early twenties and she’s gorgeous. “We don’t see you here often.”

The café is about three-quarters of the way full. There are servers busily moving around from table to table. It’s loud but not too bad.

“Got an empty table for us; kind of out of the way? Virginia needs to do her homework.” Virginia, not we.

It’s the first time the girl notices me. Her nose wrinkles. Not in a mean way, but a shocked one. “Yeah, sure. One just emptied in the back corner. Let me clean it for you real quick. Your brother’s around here somewhere. He’s in a mood. Night waitress called in so he’s going to have to stay.”

Oh. Now, I get why he’s nervous. Luke works here. I don’t know why Ryder’s strange about us meeting, but I know this is a big deal for him.

The waitress walks away as the door to the kitchen swings open. A man walks out of the same door and I know immediately who it is...Luke.  He looks so similar to Ryder. They’re both tall and built the same. They both walk like they carry the weight of the world, and their eyes try to hide who they are. I didn’t realize it the first time I saw him. Part of me wants to be shy, but my instincts take over, instincts I hope are right as I shake the nerves out of my hand before threading my fingers through Ryder’s.

Luke looks down at our hands, up into my eyes, and gives me a small shake of his head.

“Virginia, this is my brother, Luke. Luke, this is my Virginia. I mean, Virginia. My…girlfriend.”

It’s as though Ryder took a stun gun to his brother. He doesn’t move at first, in this obvious sort of trance, but then he snaps out of it and holds his hand out. I have to let go of Ryder’s hand to shake it.

“Hey…um… it’s nice to meet you.”

“You, too,” I reply.

“We’re gonna go sit down. Meg’s cleaning a table for Virginia to do her homework.” Ryder latches onto my hand again and then heads toward the back of the restaurant, leaving Luke to watch us in shock. Meg is just finishing up. She smiles and asks if we want anything as we slide into the booth. Ryder glances at me. “Can you get Virginia a Diet Dr. Pepper? I’ll just have water. Do you want anything to eat? We can get a menu.”

Shaking my head is easier than replying. He knows my drink. Without me telling him, he knows my drink. It makes my insides turn to mush.

Meg leaves and Ryder scrolls through his phone as I pull work from my bag.

“You don’t have to do that, you know.” I don’t look at him.

“Do what?”

I open my math book. “You’re not proving your brother, Meg or anyone else right by not doing your homework. Maybe they expect it, maybe they don’t, but they don’t matter. Only you do.” I shrug. “Only what you want.”

He sets his phone on the table, spinning it as he watches it. It represents his mind. I imagine all the wheels turning in there, thinking about what I said. Or maybe not even my words, but how he feels. I won’t pretend to get Ryder’s relationship with his brother. What I do know is, if we were at my house, he would automatically be doing his work with me.

Maybe I’m delusional. Maybe I want to pretend that’s the real Ryder, he’s just kept him in hiding, when in reality, he pretends when he’s with me.

When he peers up, his multi-colored eyes connecting with mine, I see mischief there. “But how will I get my reward if we’re in public?”

“Oh my God. Shut up.” I toss a napkin at him. Yes, the making out between assignments will pretty much be non-existent here. “Don’t pretend that’s why you do it.” It better not be. Then I add, “I guess that means I’ll have to double up on your reward next time.” My face burns and I can’t look at him.

“That’s what I’m talking about.” Ryder opens his bag and pulls out his binder and books. Meg brings our drinks and we each get started, doing our thing. About twenty minutes in, he whispers, “Hey.”

“Yes?” I roll my pen between my fingers, still staring at my books.

“Thanks… For reeling me back in. For not expecting anything one way or another. Just letting me know it’s okay to be me.”

If I wasn’t already there, it’s those words that would make my heart take a header off the cliff, diving all the way in love with Ryder.

“It’s not an act with you. You know who you are more than anyone I’ve met.”

That’s where he’s wrong about me. “No, I don’t. I just try harder to create the person I want to be.”

I don’t know if that’s a good thing or bad, but it’s real.

Meg keeps the water and Diet Dr. Pepper coming. Ryder and I move from subject to subject. He takes breaks to tease me from time to time. We laugh a lot, like we always do.

When we’re finished with our work, I look at my phone. “I should go. Dad’s making dinner tonight. Do you want me to take you home?”

He gets a sad, sort of smile on his face and shakes his head. “Nah. I’ll chill here for a while. Maybe call Shane to come get me. I’ll walk you out, though.”

He waits as I pack my bag, and then reaches out to carry it for me. I feel like Hailey did that night I told her about Ryder—I practically saw the hearts and butterfly bubbles floating around her head.

Oh God. I’m
that
girl. I’m totally a romantic.

Since it’s Ryder, I’m okay with that.

When we get to the car, he puts my bag in the back. I lean against the driver door and Ryder steps in closely. He touches my hair like he always does. Watches it slide through his fingers. And then he leans his forearms on my car, one on either side of my head, and drops his forehead to mine.

“I had this dream last night. I was sleeping in the dream, and then I woke up. I was in my room, but it wasn’t in my house. It was a big house, like yours. My stuff was new, and my carpet was soft. I got dressed, and when I looked in the mirror, my piercings weren’t there, but it was like they’d never been there. I went downstairs and Luke and I had dinner with our dad. He wore a suit and drank orange juice. After we ate, I went to pick you up in my car. We met Dre, Shane, Tan and Cody at school ‘cause we all went to the same one. It was nice like your school.”

I wish I could show him my heart so he could see it breaking for him, so he could know that the organ beating in my chest is his; but I’m scared to tell him.

“It’s strange, because that’s not me. We know it never will be, Virginia, and I’ve never wanted it to be. I like my piercings. I don’t want a dad who wears a suit, and I’ll probably always be kind of a dickhead. But it felt normal in the dream. It felt right for you.”

I can’t find words so I find his mouth instead. My hands hold the sides of his face and I slip my tongue into his mouth. I want to breathe him in. Memorize his taste on my tongue, and show him that who we are or who we think we should be doesn’t matter. I want to make myself believe it as much as I need Ryder to see it, because as much as I want it to be true, I’m still who I am and he’s still who he is. Not that I don’t think those people are good for each other, but because I wonder if we’re good for ourselves.

CHAPTER THIRTY

~Ryder~

I’ve never really been into Diet Dr. Pepper, but it tastes good on Virginia’s tongue. Or maybe it’s just her who tastes good.

I drop one of my hands to her waist and hold her. Let her be the one to kiss me, because it seems like she needs it.

And maybe I do, as well.

When the kiss ends, she’s still holding my face. “I don’t want the guy from the dream.”

“Suck up,” I tease her, but she doesn’t laugh. Virginia and I might be different in many ways, but we’re both grounded in reality—just a different reality. We know how the world works. We know everyone has their roles. As good as this feels right now, it probably won’t last. She has her destiny and I have mine. The two probably won’t mix.

“There’s this…dance. Homecoming, at my school in a couple weeks. Hailey and Jamie are going with these guys, and… I could get you a guest pass.”

When I step backward, her hands drop away.

When we first met, Virginia always looked at my lips when I spoke. Not because she wanted to kiss me, but because she wasn’t used to my piercings. I’ve seen her school, and I know who she is there.

I wouldn’t fit. It’s not something I give a shit about for me, but for her. “I don’t think that’s really a good idea. They have to put where you go to school at things like that, right? They’re not gonna want me there.”

“So?
I
want you there. It’s something I have to go to, Ryder. It’s my senior year. It’s important.”

Translation: She’s going with or without me.

“I get that.” I shrug, but my insides are getting all tied up in knots. I don’t want her to have to go without me. But shit like that takes money, which we both know I don’t have. “I should get back in there.” Bigger bullshit has never come out of my mouth. We both know there is zero reason for me to have to go back into the café.

“Fine.” She jerks open her door.

“Hey. It’s not you. I wanna dance with you.” And I do. “But I can’t…” I’ve often thought about meeting her dad and her friends, wanting to be a part of every aspect of her life, but how can I be when she doesn’t even know who I am? Not everything, at least. Not the big stuff.

“Okay,” she says. “I’ll…I’ll talk to you later.” I can tell she’s hurt, but still I let her get in the car. I don’t stop her from starting it or tell her not to drive away. Instead, I let her go.

Even though it’s cold out, my body feels like that one time Shane’s car overheated, smoke coming out of the hood and all.

Suddenly, I’m pissed that she asked me and pissed I said no. Pissed that I have to go back into the diner to get my shit because I know Luke will be waiting inside for me.

I make it all the way to the back table before Luke shows up. “Hey, you heading out?”

“Yeah, Shane will be here to get me in a bit.” I’m a good liar. I always have been.

“You want something to eat first?”

Umm, what? Luke hasn’t asked me to eat here in a long time. That’s all it takes for me to realize why he’s doing it. Because he saw me with Virginia? Saw me doing homework and being the good little boy so now I’m suddenly worthy? “Nah, it’s cool.”

“Listen.” Luke rubs the back of his neck. “Do you have a minute? Can we go talk in the office?” He’s wearing an
Annie’s Café
T-shirt, stained from a day’s work. It’s so not Luke. For the first time, I wonder if he hates himself every day he puts it on. No, I guess it’s me he hates since I’m the one he had to come back for.

“Shane will be here any minute.”

“Just for a second, Ry. Please.”

I don’t remember the last time my brother said please to me. It’s me who goes for the hallway first. I wait beside the office door for him to unlock it. He closes the door behind us and I fall into one of the chairs.

“The principal and I have been talking every day.”

“What the fuck? You’re keeping tabs on me?”

Luke shakes his head. “It’s new. Since the last time you skipped school. You’re my responsibility, Ry. That’s what I’m here for.”

No matter how much he hates it.

“He said you’ve been doing better lately. You haven’t skipped in weeks. Your teachers say you’ve been turning in your homework assignments. That girl…did she get through to you? Whatever it is, I’m proud of you.”

I shove out of the chair. “Because of Virginia, of course. It has to be because of her. I would never want to do good on my own, right?”

“Hey, that’s not what I said, but you have to admit you never tried before her. We’re lucky you were on track to graduate!”