The Weight of Destiny (20 page)

Each of her words, seeds of hope, plants themselves inside my chest. She cares. Even if she can’t be with me anymore, she knows what I’ve done, and she cares.

“Hey. It’s okay. I’m right here. Nothing happened to me. I was just being an idiot and walked from Cliffton. My phone died. That’s all. And it wasn’t your fault.”

Looking over her shoulder, I realize she’s not the only one here. Both her car and Shane’s are parked out front. Shane, Tanner and Cody are leaning against Shane’s ride. When my eyes land on the window, I realize someone’s sitting inside.

Drea.

Virginia’s hold on me loosens, and then it’s gone. “She was really worried about you… She kept trying to hide it, but she was crying.”

My eyes close. This is the second time I’ve made Drea cry. My chest feels like someone cracked it open. I love her. I’m not
in
love with her, but Dre is my friend. I feel like such an ass.

“You should go see her.” Virginia takes a step back. I’m tethered between the two of them—not wanting to hurt either of them, but in different ways. Virginia because I don’t want her to think there’s more between me and Drea, and Dre because I know she loves us all so much. Shane, me, Tanner and Cody are her family.

“She’s one of my best friends,” I tell Virginia. Even if she can’t be with me anymore, I want to make sure she doesn’t think there’s more to it.

“I know.” And then she walks over to the porch stairs and sits down. With a sigh, I turn to my friends.

CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

~Virginia~

There once was a girl named Fake. Her favorite holiday was Halloween. She loved it so much, she pretended it was Halloween every day. She’d dress in different costumes and give herself different names, because it was easier than trying to figure out who she really was. Was she Perfect or Lonely? Fear or Destiny?

She couldn’t decide so she smiled to cover the lie, and said, “Happy Halloween” when people asked her who she was. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t see a clear reflection. Was she the girl who told her boyfriend he should go to his friend, and then sat back wishing he hadn’t gone? Was she the girl who thought she was confident and strong, only to realize again that her name was Weak as she watched him hug the girl who wanted a house inside his heart?

Or was she the girl who let stories run around in her head, but would never risk putting them on paper? Because if no one read them, she could deny they existed. Deny that words lived inside her the way they had her Mom and her Grandmother, and Virginia Woolf. Deny that she liked the way they felt as they coasted along her brain waves. Creating. Living.

There once was a girl named Denial.

~*~

Ryder stands in the driveway as his friends pile into Shane’s car and drive away.

A hand lands on my shoulder, a voice behind me. “Thank you…for coming. For caring about my brother.”

Something lodges in my throat and I wonder when I became so emotional. Why I’m always feeling so much. Words can’t seem to make their way around the block, so Luke squeezes my shoulder again, and then I hear the door to the house close.

Ryder walks my way and holds out his hand. “Let’s sit in your car. I don’t want Luke to hear us, but I don’t want you cold, either.”

He has to be exhausted. He’s been up, walking all night. I’d gotten a little sleep before Drea showed up—when I thought Ryder was ignoring my phone calls.

Taking his hand, I step in front of him; lead the way to my car. I sit behind the wheel, Ryder in the passenger seat.

“Are you going to get into trouble for sneaking out?” he asks.

“No. I didn’t. I told my dad that I had a friend who needed me…. That I was going to her house. He trusts me.”

“What about school?”

“I’ll go in late.”

“Did Drea give you shit? She’s hurt…not that that excuses it. I screwed up with her—you, too. I didn’t want anyone to get hurt.”

And he didn’t. I know that. “We didn’t really talk. She came to my door to get me, and then she went with Shane and Tanner. Cody came with me.”

Ryder sighs. “I’m sorry. Not just for last night, but for everything. I should have told you before you got wrapped up with me…I mean, if you are wrapped up with me. I guess you were, but—”

“I want you to go to Homecoming with me.” Ugh. I didn’t mean to blurt that out like that.

“What?” He cocks his head.

“Wait.” I wring my hands together. “That’s not what I wanted to start with. I don’t believe that’s your destiny…being like your dad. That’s not who I see when I look at you. You could have taken things from my house a million times—”

“I wouldn’t. I’d never take anything from you,” Ryder cuts me off.

“I know. I trust you…but I’m not stupid, either. I can’t be that person who throws herself into a situation blindly. I need to know if that’s who you
want
to be, Ryder—if you don’t see anything wrong with it, or if you can’t promise me you won’t steal again, then no matter how much I want to be with you, I can’t. And it can’t be that you just won’t take things from me; you can’t take them from anyone.”

If he can’t assure me of that, I have to walk away. I
will
walk away, and then I’ll be the girl I never wanted to be—the one who gets her heart broken in high school.

There are certain things I can’t sacrifice, though, and not being able to trust him, thinking he’s the guy who’s going to take something from others rather than working for it, is one of those things.

CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

~Ryder~

Sometimes you think you want something specific, and then something else, or someone else, comes along and blows that all to hell. A few weeks ago, if someone would have told me that a girl would give me an ultimatum about not doing something—any kind of something—or they couldn’t be with me, I would have said, see ya later.

The thing is with Virginia that’s not what it feels like. Don’t get me wrong, she’ll walk away if she thinks I’m jacking stuff. That much I can guarantee. But it doesn’t feel like she’s telling me to choose—who I am or being with her—it feels like she’s letting me decide who I am. Like she’s giving me a chance to be that person. Like maybe she sees more in me than I ever have.

It’s funny, the difference in someone telling you who you are or who you should be and someone leaving that decision up to you. It makes you see options instead of rebelling. Maybe it even helps you see truths.

“My dad always said there’s a balance to the world. The world wouldn’t work with only people like you; they need people like me to counter them. To keep things going.”

“We’re the same kind of people, Ryder.” And then she lays her head on my shoulder. It’s familiar. I know the feel of her hair against my face and the smell of her skin. I never want to stop knowing it.

“I don’t want what Dad said… I don’t want to be the guy who can slip things in my pocket without someone knowing, the one who can hotwire a car in thirty seconds flat.”

“You can hotwire a car?”

I pause, not really wanting to give her any reason to question her decision, but not able to lie to her, either. “Yeah. I told you yesterday that I’ve stolen a car.”

I don’t have to see her to know she closed her eyes. “I must have blanked that part out.”

“I’ve taken cars on a joyride that aren’t mine. There’s a lot of things I’ve done. But I won’t anymore. I promise you. It’s not who I want to be. I didn’t realize that until recently. I…” want to be the guy my brother doesn’t want to run away from. The one he respects. The guy Virginia can respect as well. I want to be able to meet her dad and for him to like me. I don’t want to be the guy who thinks he can take whatever he wants without working for it. “I think I’m in love with you.”

And yeah, that sounded totally lame, but I don’t even care. It’s true.

Virginia gasps. Her head shoots off my shoulder but I just shake my head. “Don’t say anything back. Not yet. I know you have to go to school in a few hours. Are you sure you’re not too tired to drive home? I can drive you. Maybe Luke can follow us out and take me back home or something.”

She looks up at me; all green eyes and a smile. “You’re changing everything, and I can’t figure out why I’m not more scared about that.”

I press my lips to her forehead. “Yeah, me either.”

She’s in her car with the engine started, before I remember something. I knock on the window and Virginia lowers it. “Are you sure you want me there? At your school? This is me, Virginia. The outside isn’t going to change.”

“Who said I want it to?” With a wink, she drives away.

And I’m fucking happy. Happy about a
dance
. Happy I told her the truth. Happy I’m with her. And scared of screwing up.

Luke’s waiting on the couch when I get inside. His eyes pop open and I can tell he’d almost been asleep.

Guilt wrestles around in my stomach. “I didn’t know you’d be worried.”

He sighs. “Of course I’d be worried, Ryder.”

Shoving my hands into the pocket of my hoodie, I walk over and fall to the couch beside him. “Sorry.”

Leaning back, I close my eyes too, half because I’m tired, half because it’s hard to look at him sometimes. “I need a job, man. You think I can get one at the diner? Washing dishes or something?”

The couch shifts, telling me he’s sitting up. “Why do you need a job? You’ve never wanted to get one before.”

I shrug. “Virginia… I’m supposed to take her to the Homecoming dance at her school.” Opening my eyes, I roll my head on the back of the couch so I can see him. “She goes to a private school in Cliffton… I got dinner to worry about, and clothes. I’m gonna need to wear a suit or something. Oh, and that wrist flower thing. It’s bad enough she’s going to have to drive; I need to make sure I do the other stuff for her.”

Luke’s quiet, his eyes a scalpel performing surgery. He’s dissecting me, trying to figure me out. I shift and look away, not wanting to know what he sees. “I only have a couple weeks. It’s probably not enough time to get a job and get paid, but I need to try.”

It takes Luke at least a minute to reply. My body is a weird mixture of tenseness and resignation. He’s going to tell me he can’t get me a job.

“I’ll make you a deal, Ryder.”

This time, it’s me who studies him. “What kind of deal?”

“What if you just focus on school right now? Keep going every day like you have been, turn in your work every day and all that. That’s what’s more important right now—school. If you keep up your end of the bargain, and don’t get into any trouble, then I’ll make sure you have everything you need for the dance. And…” he shrugs. “I’ll even let you take my car. I know it’s kind of a piece of shit, but it’ll be yours for the night and you can drive her.”

I almost ask him to repeat everything he just said because I can’t make myself believe it. Luke is always stressing about money, so dropping a few hundred on a dance isn’t something we can afford. And he never, ever lets me drive his car. I’ve never been able to take it out without him.

“How?”

“Let me worry about the money. We both know it’ll be legit. Do you think this sounds like a good idea? Do you want to do well in school in exchange for me helping you with the dance?”

I think it’s the first time Luke’s ever asked my opinion on something like this.

And I also know he’s going to work his ass off picking up extra shifts to get the money for me. “Are you sure?”

“Absolutely.”

“Maybe after…I can get a job or something. You know, to help out, or whatever.”

Luke shakes his head. “You’re almost eighteen so I can’t really stop you, but I’d rather you focus on finishing high school. You have the rest of your life to work.”

It reminds me of what Virginia said her dad believes in. He doesn’t want her to work while she’s in school. Luke is telling me the same thing. It’s almost like he’s being a dad. The kind of dad Virginia has.

“Do you think you can give me a ride to school today? I don’t know if Shane and them are going, and I feel like shit asking them after last night. I’m sure you’re tired, too, but—”

“Of course.” Luke nods toward my room. “Go get ready. I’ll be out here waiting for you.”

I get up and make it all the way to my door before I stop. “Hey, Luke?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks.”

CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

~Virginia~

It’s been a strange few weeks. Ryder and I are trying to navigate our relationship after what he told me. I just want to forget it. I know what he’s done and I want to move on, but I can tell it’s harder for him. I feel like he’s always trying to prove himself, and yeah, it makes me feel special, but it’s not what I want from him.

In other ways, we feel more solid, more comfortable than before. I think maybe that’s what truth does sometimes; it opens up your heart to someone, even if that truth originally hurt.

The dance has been a heavy weight hanging between us. He asked about the color of my dress—sea-foam green; Jamie says it looks great with my eyes—and where I wanted to go for dinner. It’s so hard finding the right thing to say—to let him know that I realize money is tight and I don’t need something big without making him feel bad, either.

Homework is much easier to understand than boys.

And we’ve been doing that a lot, even more homework than usual.

Now, I’m sitting in my car in front of his house, my stomach full of acidy nerves, the past few weeks a powerful waterfall in my brain.

My name is Liar again. My dad thinks I’m going to the dance with my friends.

It switches to Guilt because I’m scared to introduce Ryder to him.

Now I’m Fear, because he said he loved me that day and I haven’t said it back. Even though I do. I love Ryder, and I want to be with him completely, which makes my fear even stronger.