The Weight of Destiny (22 page)

“Come on.” I put my other shoes on first. We get out of the car, and as soon as we do, I shiver. I forgot my sweater in the Prius; I don’t know how since I remembered my shoes. Shows where my mind was. It hasn’t really been a big deal all night because we’ve been inside. I guess I should be thankful this party is at a house.

“I can’t believe we’re at a party in a suit and dress. I’m going to catch so much shit for this.” Ryder nods toward the backside of the house. “I texted Shane. He said they’re out back. The house is too crowded and the music is too loud. They have a bonfire going out there.”

So much for being inside.

As though I’d spoken that aloud, Ryder glances at my shoulders. “Shit. I didn’t even notice you don’t have a jacket on.” He rolls his eyes and I can tell it’s at himself, not me. He thinks he should have noticed earlier.

“Here, wear my jacket.”

It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell him it’s okay, but he’s being sweet, and it’s cold, and he has long sleeves under it, so I accept his suit jacket. It’s big on me but I like that. It smells like Ryder.

He puts his arm around my shoulders and we head to the backyard. He’s right, there’s a fire back here, a couple of them, actually. They’re in barrels. There are kegs and coolers as well.

My heart raps against my chest from nerves and excitement. That’s my feeling about this whole night. I want to get to know Ryder’s friends better. I can tell how much they mean to him and how much he means to them. I want to go to his house after, but both of those things turn me into Fear again as well.

I’m always someone different, it seems.

I look up at Ryder. “Let’s get some beer.”

He frowns. “Um…you drink? You told me you didn’t. It’s not in your plan, remember?”

Neither was he. “Plans can change. Sometimes. As long as it’s a good change. Not that drinking is good, but…all kids do it, right? I just want to have fun.” And that’s partially true. I do just want to have a good time. This is what teenagers do. We experiment.

My hope is this experiment calms my nerves.

“Are you sure? You don’t have to, ya know? Not because everyone else is. I’m not drinking. Luke would kick my ass. This is the first time he’s let me take his car and I don’t want to screw that up.”

The little buzz of energy I usually try to ignore starts zipping beneath my skin. I want to do this, I do. And I trust Ryder. He’s here, so what could go wrong?

“Let’s go.” He laughs as I grab his hand and drag him toward one of the kegs. He gets a cup and fills it, shaking his head the whole time.

“Turning bossy again.” He hands me the cup with a smile.

“Ryder!” Someone yells and we look over to see his friends in the corner of the yard. Tanner’s waving his hand at us.

“Come on.” This time I start for them, but Ryder holds me off a minute.

“You don’t have to prove yourself.”

I fall even more in love with him for that. “I know.”

We get to his friends, and everyone says hello. Drea is here with the same guy from the last party. Ryder puts his arm around me and I take a sip of the beer. It’s bitter on my tongue and I frown. Gross. Why would people drink this crap?

“That’s not what you want to drink. Try this.” Drea holds out a cup to me.

Ryder warns, “Dre.”

“Screw you, Ryder. I’m trying to be nice. It’s not like I’m trying to poison your girlfriend or something.” Hurt reflects in her eyes. They’re friends, good friends, and I really don’t want to come between them.

“It’s okay, Ryder.” And then I look at Drea. “What is it?”

“It’s a Jolly Rancher. Tastes just like the candy.” She takes a sip and then offers me the cup. Sweet slides down my throat and I realize I’m definitely not a beer girl. Give me a Jolly Rancher all the way.

“Here, I’ll make you one.” Drea turns to a little table behind her and starts mixing a drink. I take a drink, and then another. Only half the cup is gone when I get hot all over. Why am I wearing a jacket? It’s like a million degrees out here.

Ryder’s hands cover mine when I try to take it off. “Ryyyyder. I’m hot!”

“Yeah, you are,” some guy says as he walks by.

“Shut the fuck up,” Ryder replies, shoving him, and the guy laughs and walks off.

“But I am. Hot, I mean. Not hot, hot. Weather hot. Aren’t you hot?” Isn’t everyone hot?

“It’s been fifteen minutes and you’re buzzed already? That’s enough of this for you.” Ryder tries to take the cup out of my hand but I jerk it back. His friends laugh behind us.

“I’m a big girl. I’m almost eighteen. I know what I’m doing. I won’t have anymore than this. You’re not the boss of me, Ryder Blackstock.”

“I’m not trying to be.”

I take a few more swallows and then thread my fingers through his. “Don’t be maaaaad.”

He sighs and returns my hold. “I’m not. I just don’t want you to do something you’ll regret.”

My cheeks set on fire. He wouldn’t say this if any of his other friends were drinking, and yet he’s saying it in front of them about me.

In three big gulps, I drink the rest of the alcohol. My skin tingles. My insides tickle, and I’m getting hotter and hotter. “See, I can handle it!”
Shut up. What are you doing?
A voice in the back of my head whispers. I ignore it. Voices mean you’re crazy.

“I’ll be right back.” After turning from Ryder, I don’t make it two feet before he steps in front of me..

“Virginia.”

“I’m fffffine. I just want to sit by the fire.” But I’m hot. Why do I want to sit by the fire?

“I’ll go with her.” I follow the voice and see Cody.

“Cody! You’re here!” Though he’s been here the whole time, I think, so I don’t know why I said that. “I like you. You’re nice to me. You’re my favorite out of all Ryder’s friends.”

He laughs. “I like you, too,” as Shane says, “Hey! I’m nice.”

“You are. And you have a baby face.”

Now it’s Shane’s turn to laugh. Everyone is laughing except Ryder. Why isn’t Ryder laughing?

“Let’s go sit,” I tell Cody. He glances at Ryder, who nods.

I stumble to an empty chair and Cody sits beside me. Most people are walking around, no one's hanging by the fire. I remember talking a lot with Cody the night Ryder was missing. I really do like him. “Tell me about you and Tanner.” Romance has never been my thing, but now it is. I want to gobble up all the love stories I can, maybe since I have one of my own.

I glance at Ryder, who is watching us with a frown. Maybe. “I think Ryder’s mad at me.”

“Nah, he’s worried about you.”

“Would Tanner be worried about you?”

“No, but I’ve been drunk before. Something tells me you haven’t.”

Ugh. Is it that obvious? “Tanner, tell me about him,” I prompt again.

Cody shrugs. “What do you want to know? He’s gorgeous, obviously. I was attracted to him when he first came to our school. He was seeing this girl—”

“Wait? A girl?” I’m confused.

“He’s bi.”

“That’s real?”

Cody laughs at me again. He’s been doing that a lot. “Of course it’s real. Anyway, I thought he was straight at the time, so whatever. One day I was sitting by the fence at lunch. He came over and sat beside me. We talked the whole forty-five minutes and never stopped talking after. We’ve been together ever since. He broke it off with the girl first, of course.”

There’s more to it than that. I feel it in my bones. “You’re in love with him.”

He shrugs. “Of course I am. He’s…incredible. Contagious. And he’s better than all of us, but he would never see it that way. Kind of like you.”

Suddenly, I’m floating. “Really?” Does he really see me like that? The girl who could easily fit in and be a part of them?

“Yeah.”

“He loves you just as much as you love him,” I tell Cody.

“Yeah…yeah, I know he does. And Ryder loves you. Do you love him?”

I do. My heart flutters. Looking up, I find him. His friends are around him, talking, but Ryder is looking at me. “Yes. He doesn’t make the weight feel as heavy.” Even though Cody doesn’t know the conversations Ryder and I have had about the weight and destiny, I feel like he understands.

CHAPTER FORTY

~Ryder~

Virginia smiles at Cody. It’s a big smile, one of her real ones. Jealousy doesn’t settle in my gut. I know there’s nothing to be jealous of. Cody’s in love with Tanner, and, even if he wasn’t, she’s a girl. Tanner may bat for both teams, but Cody doesn’t.

No, what feels like a heavy weight in my stomach is the thought that I want her over here with me. I want her sober, even though in a lot of ways, she’s right. People drink. People our age drink. But there’s something that doesn’t sit right with her wanting to do it tonight. I think she’s doing it because of me, and that thought won’t stop shooting through my body with each pump of my heart.

Cody stands and holds his hand out to her. He helps her up and then follows as she walks my way. Each step she takes my heart goes faster, and I wonder what the hell happened to me. How falling for someone can make me feel things I didn’t know existed, and how I’m okay with that.

Virginia’s arms wrap around my neck and she buries her face in my chest. “Cody says you love meeee.”

Yeah, she is totally wasted. “Cody’s a smart guy.” I nod thanks at him, before he goes over to Tanner. “And you’re drunk.”

She mumbles something. I wrap my arms around her before I look up. Shane smiles at me, and then takes a hit of his pipe. He’s been sucking on that thing too much. I glance at Drea; she’s sitting on the ground, staring at it.

In a lot of ways, I’ve always been trapped by my life, only I didn’t realize it. Now, I’m trapped in a different way—between the girl in my arms and hurting my friend. There’s no way to stop the hurt without losing Virginia. Maybe it makes me weak, but I tackle the Shane thing instead because it’s easier. “Gimme your pipe.”

“Huh?” he replies.

“Give it to me. You’re smoking too much. Your eyes are redder than the fire.”

He rolls them at me but hands it over, and a baggie, which I stick into my pocket.

“Look at you, being all responsible now.”

“Asshole,” I tease him.

Words vibrate against my chest. “I need to pee.”

“That’s what happens when you down a cup of alcohol like it’s nothing. Come on. I’ll take you to find a bathroom.”

The house is so packed full of people, it’s hard to get through. I want out of the place. Want to take Virginia home, even if it’s not to mine. She doesn’t belong here.

Once we find the bathroom, she goes in and I wait outside the door for her. My brain is cluttered with all these thoughts and I can’t seem to push them the hell out. I can’t figure out why Virginia wanted to get drunk tonight. If it’s because she thinks that’s what I want, or if I’m a bad influence on her. It just doesn’t add up.

A few minutes later, she comes out smiling.
Let’s get outta here…
Instead of saying that, I lead her back the way we came. She wanted to be here with my friends tonight, and I want her to have a good time. But then we step outside, and I can’t stop myself from turning to her and saying, “Hey. Why’d you want to drink? There’s nothing wrong with it, but I want to know. And why did you get pissed at me and leave with Cody?”

She looks down, but with a finger under her chin, I tilt her head back upward.

“It’s just me. I showed you my scars; you can tell me anything.”

Her eyes get glassy, pool with unshed tears. I lean against the house, away from everyone, taking her with me.

“I’m sorry. I screwed up the whole night. I wasn’t mad at you… I was scared. I told you I want to go back to your house, and I
do
want to go, but then I got freaked because it’s big… Really big. I didn’t even want to date in high school, and now I’m with you, and—”

“Hey, I don’t expect anything from you. I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do. It’s…you make me...”

“COPS!” someone yells from the front of the house.

My heart drops to my feet.

Virginia’s eyes go wide.

I have to get her out of here. “Come on, Virginia, let’s go.” There is no way she’s going to pass a breathalyzer. Fuck. I’m going to get her in trouble. This girl who needs order and stability, and I’m going to screw it up for her.

Grabbing her hand, I run. She stumbles a little. I’m sure it’s hard to run in her tight dress, but thankfully it’s short. “Come on, boss lady. You got this. Let’s go.” We climb the fence. I drop to the other side and then reach for her, helping her over. People are yelling, running, bodies everywhere. I don’t know where my friends are right now, I just have to hope they can get themselves out of here.

“It’ll be okay. I promise. I won’t let you get caught.” Our hands are latched again and I start running with her. It’s dark as hell out. We’re in the woods behind the house. Part of me thinks this is a terrible idea because we could get lost, but I can’t risk her getting caught, either.

Voices are everywhere. The stomp of feet. Sporadic bursts of light as though someone is running with flashlights. I highly doubt anyone at the party had a flashlight with them.

My chest burns from how far and fast we run. I know Virginia has to be feeling the same. And she’s in a dress. At least she changed her shoes.

“Ryder… I’m…scared. My…dad…will…freak.” She can hardly speak, we’re running so hard.

“It’s cool. I’ll find us a place to hide. We’ll be okay.” I told her I would take care of her, and I will.

I almost trip a dozen times. Finally, I find this little wall of rocks, hidden by a bunch of trees. I duck behind them with Virginia as she struggles to catch her breath.

“Oh my God. Dad. Mom. School. What if Stanford finds out? Can I lose my scholarship? This was stupid. Why did I do this? It was reckless…reckless. It was Mom.”

She’s rocking back and forth. I don’t know what most of what she just said means, but I hear the panic in her voice. It punches my heart over and over. “You’ll be okay. We’re good,” I whisper. It’s quiet, no one else around us. I don’t know what way everyone went or who got caught.

And then I see lights far away, and coming closer. Hear voices that I know don’t belong to anyone who was drinking at that party. Virginia gasps. Squeezes my hand.