The Weight of Destiny (25 page)

She told me I’m Mom. She sees the same look in my eyes that she sees in the mirror. My whole life I’ve feared she’s right. “I’m not crazy,” I repeat. “I’m not you.”

Mom stops moving. Her eyes are closed, her body curved in defeat. And then it’s like someone puts new bones into her body. She stands straight. Her arms get stiff. Her legs almost look like they lengthen. When her eyes open, I know it’s not my mom I’m looking at.

There is no way to describe how that feels. People on the outside, they don’t get it. They don’t see. People don’t believe in DID, but it’s real. I’ve lived it, and if you haven’t, you can’t know.

“Now you’ve done it,” someone whom I assume is Amelia says.

“D-done what?” I take a step backward.
Mom…I’m sorry.

“Why are you backing away? I’m not going to hurt her. Don’t you get it? I’m here to protect her. We always have been.”

“Protect her?” My voice is soft. “Protect her from what?”

“From pain…from remembering. We’re not supposed to tell you. She wouldn’t want you to know. You’re a smart girl, Virginia. Don’t tell me you haven’t done your research.” Amelia goes to the chair beside me and sits down. And I want her back. I want my mom back. I want us to be okay, be normal. Whatever it takes.

“It’s easier to pretend someone like me couldn’t exist inside someone else if you don’t actually know anything about it. Sometimes when the mind goes through so much hurt, so much pain, the only way to deal with it is for someone else to do it for you. That’s where I come in. As much as you hated Samantha, that’s where she came in as well. We deal with the memories your mom can’t handle, the ones she sees every time she closes her eyes.”

Oh God. What is she talking about? What happened to Mom?
Oh God, oh God, oh God.

“Your grandma’s boyfriend was the first to hurt her. Over and over for years. That’s why Annette left. She couldn’t handle what she let happen.”

“No!” I close my hands over my ears. “No, no, no, no, no!”

“Yes!” Amelia screams. “Yes, and it didn’t end there. She was on the streets afterward. For years. You’ll never know what she’s lived through, the things she had to do to survive.
She
may never know it all, but you’re the one she wants to protect from it. You’re the one she allows to hurt her, because she knows it would hurt you to know.”

“Oh God.” I stumble backward, and fall to the floor. My chest screams at me, aches in pain. My body, it’s like it’s not there. I can’t feel anything except the pain in my heart. My chest heaves with strangled breaths. Someone hurt her; hurt her bad enough that her mind created other people to deal with it.

And I’ve hated her for it. Punished her by withholding myself from her. Didn’t take the time to look into her disorder because I wanted to pretend it didn’t exist—because it was easier on me.

“I can’t…I don’t know…” What to say or how to feel. I haven’t stood up but I’m still moving backward, scooting backward as though getting farther away will mean none of this is true.

“I’m sorry,” Amelia whispers.

It’s then I realize I’m not any of the people I thought I was. I’m not Perfect, Fear, or Destiny. I am a girl named Hate, and I hate myself for what I’ve done. For hurting her. For trying to turn Mom into hate as well.

“I have to go.”

CHAPTER FORTY-SIX

~Ryder~

One bag. Most of my stuff fits in one bag. My clothes, anyway. It’s not that I’ll need much else. I have stuff to wear to get me through until Monday, and then everything else is in the bag sitting in the middle of my floor right now.

In a day and a half, I’ll be out of here. Out of Luke’s hair so he can live his life.

I’ll be away from Virginia… Instead of a body, I feel like I’m a shell. Like someone emptied me, hollowed me out.

“Dude, chill the hell out. You’re being an idiot,” I tell myself. This has always been my plan, being with Dad. There’s no reason to freak out about it now.

But that was before Virginia. Before I realized this isn’t who I want to be. Now, I just don’t know if I have a choice.

There’s a pounding at my front door. I almost ignore it, not in the mood to hang out with my friends, but stand up instead. They deserve to know what’s going on.

The pounding gets louder.

“Chill out! I’m coming.”

There’s a little whimper through the thin door, and I know it’s not Shane on the other side. I run.

“Virginia?” I open the door, and as soon as I do, she’s in my arms. Squeezing my neck and my hand is in her hair and she feels so...so right that I don’t want to let her go. Ever. “What are you doing here? You’re not supposed to see me.”

And then she’s crying and my heart is racing and I’m holding her tighter. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry… I didn’t know where else to go.”

“Don’t be sorry. I’m here. You can always come to me. I’m here.” Maybe that’s another thing I’m good at…being there for someone. I would never walk away from her when she needs me. I wouldn’t from my friends, either.

She cries harder and I pick her up. Her body is so limp, she goes easily into my arms. Her arms wrap around my neck and I’m holding behind her back and under her knees as I walk into my room.

I lay her on the bed and try to move away, but Virginia’s hand is wrapped up tightly in the hoodie she gave me as she holds me close.

So I lay down with her. I wrap my arm under her, letting Virginia’s head rest on my chest. I hold her, hoping to find the right words to say. Hoping to find a way to make it better.

CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN

~Virginia~

“It wasn’t her fault,” I whisper against Ryder’s cheek.

“What wasn’t?”

“Everything.” A deep breath fills my lungs. I exhale. And tell Ryder everything: What DID is—Dissociative Identity Disorder—about Samantha, Robin and Amelia. About things that they’ve said to me and how I felt. I tell him about the stories locked inside my head that I’ve been scared to let free. My fear of being like her. Samantha’s promise that I already am. He learns about the times I’ve been rejected by her, how much I thought she must hate me if Samantha did. The times I’ve wanted to be like Mom or do something crazy like Mom does, and how that scares me more than anything.

“That first night…on the dock. I think that’s what the night was about.”

He holds me tighter and lets me speak.

When it becomes too much and I sit up, he does too. He leans against the wall, and then it’s too hard to look at him so I lay on my side, facing away from Ryder with my head in his lap instead.

“I feel like there are so many different people inside me, I don’t know who I am. I try to be Lulu the girl who is responsible and gets good grades. Who is never late and who does well at FBLA. What if that’s not who I am? What if I’m all these other people I try not to be?”

He strokes my hair and I close my eyes. They hurt from crying and lack of sleep.

“You’re not,” he whispers.

Maybe not, but I’m not a good person, either. “It wasn’t her fault, Ryder. If I would have looked into it, maybe I would have known. Maybe I could have helped. But I was too angry to do it. People hurt her and I hated her for it. I tried to do everything in my power not to be like her, when I should have loved her and been there for her. I hurt her, too…”

I thought all my tears were gone but they start again, running down my face as though something is after them. He keeps running his fingers through my hair.

“You didn’t know. No one can blame you for that, but you know now. You’ll do the right thing. That’s who you are, Virginia. You’re the best person I know.”

I want that to be true. I want to do the right thing, want to be as strong as Mom. Because she is. I see that now.
She’s
the strongest person I know.

CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT

~Ryder~

My hand doesn’t stop moving in Virginia’s hair until she falls asleep. Gently, I lift her head out of my lap. She doesn’t stir, even when I gently pull her cell out of her pocket, hoping like crazy I’m doing the right thing.

Luke is sitting on the couch. His mouth opens the second I walk in, but I hold up a hand. “Don’t. It’s not what you think.” I have no doubt he saw Virginia’s car out front and wants to give me shit for it.

I close my eyes, pull in a deep breath and then let it out. When I open them again, I look up her dad’s number in her phone and hit call.

Please let this be the right thing. I don’t want to betray her.

“Lulu? Where are you?” he answers.

“It’s me…Um… Ryder. Virginia is sleeping. She came to my house a couple hours ago. She’s pretty upset, and I could tell something major went down, but I didn’t want you to worry. I want you to know she’s okay.”

“We’ll come and get her—”

“No. I mean, don’t. Please. Look,” back and forth, I pace the room. “I know you’re not real fond of me. I know you think she can do better, but that’s not what this is about. She’s…she’s having a hard time. She’s feeling awful, and she’s angry at herself. She cried herself to sleep. I didn’t even…I didn’t tell her I was calling.”

My stomach rolls over and I feel the need to keep talking.

“Like I said, I don’t want you to worry, but I think it’s a bad idea to come and get her. She needs to work through this a little, and she needs some sleep. I’ll talk to her about going home tomorrow, and I’ll sleep in the living room and everything. You can talk to Luke…” I look at my brother and see something shining back at me I’ve rarely seen before. Respect.

Luke nods, still watching me like he has no idea who I am. Maybe he doesn’t. Maybe I don’t.

“Please, just let her breathe a little. I just want what’s best for her.”

The line is so quiet, I almost think he hung up. It’s his sudden breathing that let’s me know he’s even there. “Thank you for calling me, Ryder. You didn’t have to. That’s a real mature thing for you to do. Please, if you can tell her to come home in the morning, her mother and I are here waiting for her.”

The second I hang up the phone, Luke’s hand is on my shoulder. “Holy shit, Ry. You’re such a good guy. Do you know that?”

I roll my eyes and step out of his hold. “You wouldn’t say that if you knew that Dad was here.”

“What?”

My knee pops once as I walk over to the couch and sit down. “He’s stealing cars and he wants me in on it. I have a bus ticket in my pocket and a packed bag in my room. Still think I’m a good guy?”

Luke’s jaw tenses up…and then he walks over to the couch and sits beside me. “Yeah, I do. He tried to make it otherwise, but it didn’t work. Dad never would have called Virginia’s family just then. Jesus,” Luke’s hands fist. “I am so pissed at him. You were just a kid, and he took you under his wing, glamorizing his lifestyle when he knew how much you loved him. He took advantage of you, Ryder. He was the adult. He should have known better. You were a kid who loved his dad, and he tried to turn you into another version of himself. I will always hate him for that. I’ll hate myself for it, too, because I’m your brother. I should have protected you.”

My body goes rigid as I try to figure out if I really just heard what I think I did.

“God, you are so smart. And you’re always so loving. I think that’s why it made it easier for him to get to you. Your heart was always bigger than both mine or his, and I let him prey on that. I left you with him.” Luke swings his arm to the side, knocking everything off the table. “I was so damn selfish when I left you with him. I told myself that I could fix everything in time. That I’d show you that you could get out of here. That I could make something with my life so that when you turned eighteen, I could have you come live with me, maybe help you through school. But none of that changes the fact that I left you with him.”

Luke tries to shove to his feet but I jerk my hand up, grabbing his arm. I’m squeezing it. I feel the pressure but I can’t seem to let go. “You thought I was smart…? You were going to come back for me…?”

Luke sits back down, turns to look at me. “Always, Ryder. When I realized he was grooming you to be like him, that’s all I could think about. Getting out, going to school, and then getting you. I always wanted to come back for you. You loved him so much; you would have done anything for him. You’re the same way with Shane, Drea, Cody and Tanner. You’re the same with Virginia. I always knew you had it in you to be the best of us all.”

Logically, I know I’ve cried before. Everyone has. But I don’t remember a time, not one single time, that I’ve cried. Until now. As long as I can remember, I’ve looked up to my brother. I thought he could do anything…and I thought he hated me so I denied how I felt about him. But he didn’t. He wanted to make a better life for me. He wanted to come back for me. He’s been working his ass off for
me
. “I thought you couldn’t wait to get away from me.”

And then Luke is hugging me, and I swear to God, I think he’s crying, too. I hug him back and hear what he said about who I am, and there has never been a person I wanted to be more than who Luke said I am.

“I know I told Virginia’s dad I’ll sleep out here, but I don’t want her to wake up alone. We’ll sleep with the door open, and I’ll pass out on the floor, but I can’t leave her.”

He nods. “Okay. I trust you.”

“Thanks, Luke…for everything.”

He hugs me again. “Nothing to thank me for little brother. I love you.”

“I love you, too.” I think that might be the first time I’ve ever said those words to him, even though I’ve always felt them.

“We’ll talk more tomorrow,” he says meaningfully, and I know he’s going to try to talk me out of going with Dad.

“Yeah,” I say. “We’ll talk.”

CHAPTER FORTY-NINE

~Virginia~

As soon as I roll over in bed, I realize I’m not in my own. My eyes pop open, the night before flooding over me like waves while I’m lost in the middle of the ocean.