The Welcome Home Garden Club (17 page)

“Yes, I have, but it didn’t mean anything.”

“You’re saying I mean something to you?”

Didn’t she understand that she meant everything to him? But he wasn’t about to tell her that. He couldn’t bear to lay his tattered heart on the line only to have it mangled again. He couldn’t tell her that he feared he was still in love with her. He didn’t trust himself, much less her.

“I’m saying the timing is off. We’ve got a lot of things to deal with before we can even decide if this is what either of us really wants.”

She laughed then, a high, brittle sound. “Do you hear what you’re saying? For once you’re the cautious one and I’m the reckless one. You’re holding back and I want to dive headlong into this thing with you.”

“That’s the problem, Tulip. We can’t be diving into anything.”

“Because of Danny.” She nodded.

“Not just that.”

“What else?”

“You still have no idea who I am.”

She moistened her lips, and this time, she was the one who took the step back. He could see from the expression in her eyes that it was something she hadn’t considered. She was still stuck in the dream of their past, still seventeen, praying for her lover’s return. And now that he was here, she was trying to fulfill the fantasy, but he knew it was all a sweet, impossible dream. He knew if she ever saw the monster he kept buried deep inside her, the monster that was capable of killing men without hesitation, she would turn away from him.

He couldn’t risk letting down his mask, and if he couldn’t let down his mask, he couldn’t be with her. His relationship with Moira might have been casual, but at least Moira saw him for who he was, not for something she believed him to be.

He ducked his head, turned away, heard the sound of her high, rapid breathing, and knew that he’d hurt her, but also knew it was for the best.

Chapter Fifteen

Traditional meaning of asphodel—regret.

“L
et’s take Danny fishing,” Gideon suggested on Saturday after the bathroom incident.

For the most part, they’d avoided each other. For the last three days, Caitlyn had gone over to supervise the progress on the victory garden since Patsy adamantly refused to let her back into the flower shop, citing that she needed two good hands to fill customers, orders, but it took only a sharp pair of eyes and a firm opinion to tell the volunteers what she wanted done.

Gideon had stayed to the guest bedroom when he wasn’t playing with Danny or refurbishing the carousel. His rejection had hurt her more than she let on, and she still couldn’t figure out what she’d done wrong. Not only that, but she was more sexually frustrated than she’d ever been in her life, with no outlet for it. Every time she looked at him she felt a mix of desire, confusion, and anger. Yes. She was mad, at him for turning her down, at herself for begging.

She would be getting her stitches out on Monday and the only thing that kept her from asking him to move out was the bond he was forging with his son. Danny was quickly coming around, and the first thing he said when he walked into the kitchen each day after school was “Where’s Gideon?”

They ended up at an out-of-the way fishing spot where the locals went to escape the tourists. Most of the trees were in full bloom. Red buds and dogwood. Mimosas and oak. The sun shone warm, but the air was still cool. In the field beside the river, a carpet of yellow asphodel with their star-shaped blooms grew in profusion with bluebonnets and Indian blankets.

They carried an Igloo cooler stuffed with sandwiches and cold drinks. Caitlyn’s arm still throbbed if she held it down for too long, but she was on the mend.

Danny was excited, talking a mile a minute and running ahead of them to the water’s edge. Even though she’d required him to wear a life jacket, she still cautioned him not to get too close.

Gideon put a hand on her shoulder. “Lighten up, Mother Hen. Let him be a little boy.”

Caitlyn bit down on her bottom lip. While it had been a relief to have Gideon around to help her get Danny off to school, cook his meals, and put him to bed at night, there had also been a bit of head butting over the past few days, especially after what had happened—or ultimately didn’t happen—in the bathroom. Gideon thought she was overprotective, and maybe she was, but Danny was her only child. And she was vigilant by nature.

“Part of your job as a parent is to let him explore his world. Give him confidence to stand on his own two feet.”

“So now you’re telling me what my job is?” Yes, she was being testy. She knew it, but she just couldn’t seem to curtail her temper. Which wasn’t like her at all, and that only made her more irritable. Was sexual frustration behind it all?

Gideon carried two rods and reels in his right hand. The bait bucket was grasped in his artificial hand. Caitlyn carried the cooler. Once they reached Danny at the water, Gideon put down the poles and went back to the van for the camp chairs.

That’s when Caitlyn looked over and saw the Lincoln parked near a thicket of reeds just off the boat ramp. Her father sat with a hat on his head, a cane pole in his hand. She hadn’t seen him since he’d come to the hospital to see her. Her initial instinct was to gather up their stuff and get the hell out of there, because in spite of her having forgiven him, there was still eight years of awkward silence to deal with.

Gideon was on his way back with the camp chairs and he waved at her father. “Afternoon, Judge.”

Richard waved his hand.

Looked like they were all going to let bygones be bygones. That was good, right?

Gideon set up the camp chair and an umbrella for Caitlyn to sit under. Then he went to help Danny bait his hook and cast it into the water.

“Mind if I join you?”

Caitlyn looked up to see her father hovering beside her camp chair. “Have a seat,” she invited, even though she didn’t want to.

He set up his own camp chair and plunked down beside her. “I used to bring you fishing here.”

“I know.”

“It’s a nice tradition.”

“It is.”

The conversation fell off. Caitlyn shaded her eyes, concentrating on watching Gideon and Danny, not really sure what to say to her father. She could smell his Old Spice and Ben-Gay scent carried over on the breeze. Bees buzzed among the wildflowers growing along the boat ramp.

“How’s your arm?”

“It’s healing. I get the stitches out on Monday.”

“That’s good.”

More silence. It was an uneasy reunion.

Richard tilted his head in Danny’s direction. “He’s a good little fisherman.”

“Kevin used to bring him here a lot in the summers.”

“Kevin wasn’t so bad.”

Caitlyn whipped her head around to stare at him. “Did you just admit you were wrong about someone?”

“I’m trying here, daughter. Give me a break.”

She suppressed a smile. Danny must have gotten a bite because he was yanking back on his pole and hollering with excitement. Gideon put a hand on Danny’s shoulder and coached him on how to bring the fish in.

“Gideon’s not half bad either.”

“You keep that up and I’m going to faint on you,” Caitlyn said.

Richard shifted. “You want me to leave?”

“No, no, stay, I’ll stop being catty.”

“Thank you.”

Danny reeled in a palm-sized perch. He wriggled and jiggled with excitement. “Mom, Mom,” he said, running over with the fish dangling from his pole. “Look what I caught.”

His grin was as wide as Texas, showing off his two missing top teeth.

“My goodness,” she exclaimed. “What a fisherman you are.”

“Can we eat it for dinner tonight?”

“I’m not sure it’s big enough. Remember what the man at the bait store said when he sold Gideon the fishing licenses? You have to measure to see if it’s big enough to keep. Otherwise you have to—”

“Catch and release.” Danny sounded disappointed.

“The rule is just so that you don’t catch any that are too young.”

“Mom says it’s probably not big enough,” Danny called out to Gideon.

“Mother knows best,” Gideon said.

Danny stared at Richard. “Who are you?”

“You don’t know who I am?”

Danny shook his head. “I’ve seen you around town. Everyone says you’re cranky.”

“Oh, they do, do they?”

“Yep.”

“I’m your grandfather.”

Danny scowled. “No you’re not. My granddaddy lives in Michigan.”

“I’m your other grandfather.”

“How come you’re just now telling me?”

Richard looked to Caitlyn, shrugged, but didn’t answer Danny.

Anger simmered through Caitlyn and every muscle in her body tensed. She hadn’t wanted her father just to come right out and tell Danny who he was. She’d wanted to ease into it. Wanted to see if their relationship was even going to gel before bringing Danny into it at all. Things were slipping out of her control and she didn’t like that. Not at all. “Danny, go put the fish back in the river before it dies.”

Danny turned and walked back to the water.

“Why did you tell him that?” Caitlyn asked.

“Because I am his grandfather.”

“You should have asked me if you could tell him.”

“Hey, I stood aside for almost eight years and let you run the show.”

“The hell you did! You disowned me for getting pregnant, don’t try to put this all on me.”

Richard raised his hands. “Clearly, I’ve made you angry.”

“You think?” Caitlyn jumped up from the camp chair. “Gideon, I’m not feeling so well, I’d like to go home now.”

“That’s right, run away. It’s what you do best.”

Caitlyn whirled on him. “If I hadn’t run away, if I’d listened to you, that little boy would not be here.”

Richard gulped. “I was wrong. I’m admitting it. I want a chance to know my grandchild.”

“Well, this is not the way to go about it.”

“When did you plan on telling him who I was, Caitlyn? When he’s twenty?”

“Maybe.”

Caitlyn felt a solid hand come down on her shoulder.

“Easy, Tulip,” Gideon soothed.

But Caitlyn was not in the mood to be soothed. She twisted away from him. “Don’t try to placate me.”

“Mom?”

Caitlyn turned to see Danny staring at her with those brown inquisitive eyes so much like his father’s. “Yes?”

“Is he really my grandfather?”

“I’m afraid he is.”

Danny stared at Richard. “How come you never came to see me before?”

“Ask your mother.”

“I can’t have this conversation right now,” Caitlyn said. She was too angry. If she kept talking, she was going to say something she would regret for the rest of her life. “Excuse me.”

She stalked off, headed for the van. Behind her, she heard Gideon say to Danny, “Why don’t you show your grandfather how well you can bait a hook?”

Blowing out her breath, Caitlyn paced back and forth behind the van. Maybe she should be more forgiving. In the hospital, hopped up on pain pills and anesthesia, she’d forgiven her father, but for him to just come right out and tell Danny who he was and act as if their estrangement was her fault, well, that was beyond the pale.

“Hey,” Gideon said softly.

She pushed tendrils of hair from her face, kept pacing. “He shouldn’t have told Danny. It was my place to decide when and where that news should be broken.”

“Granted, he should have consulted you.”

“Yes.” She pointed a finger. “Yes, he should have.”

“But he does have a right to see his grandchild.”

Caitlyn stared at Gideon and her mouth dropped open. “Excuse me? Are you taking his side? The side of the man who lied and connived to keep us apart?”

“He seems to regret it. He’s getting old.”

“Yes, right, so that makes it cool. What did you think when J. Foster suddenly turned all maudlin on you?”

“It’s not the same thing.”

“The hell it’s not.”

“He wants a relationship with Danny.”

“I don’t give a damn.” The pacing was doing nothing to calm her anger.

“It’s our son who’s going to suffer from not knowing his grandfather. This isn’t just about you.”

“That man . . .” She pointed a finger toward the boat ramp. “That man down there . . . he wanted to force me to give Danny up for adoption. That’s why I ran away. That’s why I married Kevin. That’s why I have basically ignored my father for the last eight years.”

Gideon sucked in an audible breath. “I see your position, but I do think he knows he was wrong.”

“He wanted me to get rid of our baby.”

“And I’m so proud of you that you didn’t do it. God, Caitlyn, you were so brave. I can’t imagine how scared you were.”

“Terrified. I was terrified. Seventeen. Pregnant. I thought the man I loved was dead. My father turned his back on me because I wouldn’t give away
our
baby . . .” She had to stop talking or she was going to start crying.

Gideon waited. Strong, silent, treelike. It got on her nerves.

“Say something, dammit.”

“When was it going to be the right time to tell Danny about Richard?”

“I don’t know.”

His voice lowered, his eyes took on an expression she couldn’t read. “When’s it going to be the right time to tell him about me?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, you need to figure it out. Because while I’m not going to be like your father and just spring the news on Danny, I need to let him know that I’m his father.” Gideon’s voice was fraught with feeling. “This is important to me.”

She’d never heard him speak so passionately. She stared off into the field, saw the asphodels nodding in the breeze. “I can’t tell him now. Not on the heels of this new revelation about his grandfather. That has to sink in first.”

“How long do you think he needs? A week? A month?”

“You can’t put something like this on a timetable. I need to see how Danny adjusts. It’s only been seven months since Kevin died.”

“Who’s really having trouble adapting, Caitlyn? Is it Danny, or is it you?”

“What are you suggesting?”

“That maybe this isn’t about Kevin’s death or the fallout with your father or your relationship with me.”

“No?” She was so mad she could snap something into two pieces. “Then you tell me, what is it about? Because I sure as hell don’t know.”

“You’re scared to death of letting Danny grow up.”

He couldn’t have shocked her more if he’d reached out and slapped her. Caitlyn put a hand to her cheek. Was it true? Was she in the wrong? She’d spent so many years thinking—
no, knowing
—that she was right, that she hadn’t realized she’d become just like her father.

The thought staggered her.

Was
she holding on to Danny too tightly, just the way Richard had held on to her? Had she become so entrenched in her position against him that she could see no other alternatives?

“I’m going to go back down there with Danny.” Gideon gestured toward the river. “And I’m going to send your father up here to talk to you, and I want you to work this out, for everyone’s sake.”

It irritated her that he was telling her what to do. It also irritated her that he was right. She blew out her breath, nodded.

Gideon walked to the water and spoke to her father. A few minutes later, Richard walked up the boat ramp toward her.

“Caitlyn,” he murmured.

She forced herself to look at him. His hair was grayer than she remembered, his shoulders frailer, but his eyes were still sharp.

“I never wanted to hurt you,” her father murmured. “I thought once you had your own child that you would understand—”

“You never wanted me to have my own child,” Caitlyn interrupted. “You wanted me to get rid of him.”

He opened his mouth, shut it, and then opened it again. “I . . . I was wrong about that.”

“Yes,” she said. “Yes, you were. You didn’t give me any options. You backed me into a corner. You made me choose between my child and you, and it was no contest. I love you, Dad, I always have, but my son comes first. He has to.”

“You . . . you still love me? In spite of what I’ve done?” He looked so sad.