The Wife (10 page)

“It’s a nickname from home. My initials.” His accent is stronger than ever, as he still tries to hide that I’ve upset him.

I try to push away the memories of how we used to be when we would be stubborn toward each other. It used to be a game for us to see who would fold first.

Life is different now. This isn’t a game.

Just the look of frustration on his face makes me realize that I am doing exactly what I was trying to avoid. I’m far past being the brokenhearted girl I was when he left. I don’t want to have a tense relationship with him while I work on his restaurants. I’m not a spiteful person, and I shouldn’t act this way toward him. I don’t need his explanations or apologies anymore. I had forgiven Jamie years ago and need to show him I’ve completely moved on. Mike needs me to do this job, and working on this together is another way to bring Mike and I back together. Jamie needs to be an afterthought.

I try to backtrack and smooth things over between us. “I think it would just be best if we started over. We don’t need to talk about the past. All is forgiven and forgotten. I promise.” I hold my gaze to his with confidence and hold my glass up to his. “To the future.”

He smiles again, brushing his unruly dark hair off his brow, and I feel a little lighter that one part of my day might be turning up. “To the future.”

I
shift uncomfortably on the sticky leather couch, feeling uncomfortable for the first time in an appointment with my therapist, Dr. Murphy. Her questions are much more self-evaluative today and I was hoping to gain some confidence about myself before my weekend away with my family.

Mike and I began to see Dr. Murphy a little over a year ago, both together and separate, to talk about our marriage. Although our marriage has only continued to deteriorate instead of improve, I’ve appreciated her outlook and the advice she gives to me to help not only be a better, more understanding wife, but to work on being a more strong and independent individual.

This is the first time I’m seeing her after Mike decided to stop coming to her. His work has become so busy since taking on the construction of Jamie’s restaurant; he said his time with therapy wasn’t helping and only taking more time away from our family. It was hard to disagree with his point of view with the state our marriage is currently in. But it still frustrates me and makes me feels as though it’s another sign he’s giving up, especially after his admission of infidelity yesterday, but there’s nothing I could say to persuade him differently. He’s promised to find another therapist once his next job is complete, and he has more free time, but I don’t believe him. He’ll just sign on to another job and continue being absent.

“Did you hear me, Alexa?” Dr. Murphy interrupts my thoughts that began to sink back into my pleas with Mike to come here with me today.

“Sorry, can you repeat the question?” I twist the tissue in my hand back and forth nervously.

She smiles calmly at me and nods with a patient smile, although I can’t help but feel defensive at the condescending manner she seems to have taken today. “Of course.” She sits back in her large blue chair, looking back down at her notes. “How do you feel now that he’s admitted to being in love with someone else?”

I recoil at her rephrasing what Mike confessed to and quickly correct her. “He’s not in love with someone. He’s confessed to missteps in our marriage, but promised that he’s realized he’s committed to making our marriage work. He loves me and our family and doesn’t want to lose us.” I relax a little when she smiles and nods as if she realizes her error, urging me to go on. “Lee thinks I’m crazy to believe him when he says he loves me. But she doesn’t know him the way I do. The way he looked at me, and the way he’s been since yesterday, makes me know he’s all in.”

“Hasn’t Lee been friends with Mike as long as you’ve been together? Don’t you think her opinion may have some value?”

I always hate when she makes valid points that make me look internally this way. “I always take Lee’s opinion seriously, but she’s never been married. It’s not just about Mike and me. We love our kids, and they deserve to have parents who are going to give it everything we can to keep our family together. I believe Mike when he says he’s all in. I have to if we’re going to make this work.” Just saying all of this is making me feel better, so I continue. “I know that Lee may always have her questions about Mike, but I can’t let that be the decisive factor in my marriage. If you would have been there yesterday and seen the look in Mike’s eyes when he begged for my forgiveness, you wouldn’t doubt his sincerity either. He—”

Dr. Murphy uncharacteristically cuts me off. “Don’t you think your pride is going to interfere again? Haven’t you always said if Mike truly wanted to be with someone else, you’d leave him because you couldn’t be second in his heart? Maybe he’s just trying to get you to stay with him because it’s too expensive to divorce you. How do—”

“Too expensive to divorce me?” The twisted tissue snapped in my hands at the complete change in direction this conversation so quickly took. “It was a fling. He had his opportunity to leave me when he confessed to me. I told him to make a choice. He had his opportunity to leave me and choose her and he didn’t take it because he
does
love me. I know that.” I sit up straighter, getting increasingly defensive with her attitude toward me today. I can’t help but wonder whether she’s upset that she lost Mike as a client because of me.

Her face softens, realizing she’s struck a chord, and reaches out to pat my hand. “Remember, it’s my job to help you look at all angles of things. I’m only trying to help. You know I support any decision you make with him.” She sits back again, and smiles up at me, making the room feel lighter again.

“I know, I’m sorry. It’s all so raw still and I’m just a little touchy about it all. I don’t even know what I want anymore, other than to have everything go back to the way they were. Safe. Normal.”

“According to you, things haven’t been that way in years.”
She’s right; it hasn’t.
“You’re going to need to accept the new normal, or make the decision to let go.”

I close my eyes to hold back the tears, knowing in my heart the new normal is a life of sadness and emptiness. “I think this weekend is going to help us go back to where we were, Dr. Murphy. I don’t think I’m going to need to accept mediocracy anymore. I think every good marriage has its bumps in the road and it’s our job to keep moving, and learn the right ways to avoid those potholes. I’m choosing to see smooth roads ahead.”

“I’ve taught you well.” She smiles and holds up her coffee cup. “To smooth roads ahead.”

I take my cup in my hand and tap it to hers. “To smooth roads.”

“How about we send the boys home ahead of us, and stay another night?” Mike nips at my ear and pulls the sheet off my naked body.

This weekend has gone even better than I imagined. We spent the days by the pool and going to Sea World with the boys, and our nights were spent having romantic dinners alone on the beach. It was easy to forget the direction our marriage had become while hidden away in this blissful place. Mike was acutely attentive to me and the boys, showering us with special surprises and affection. Being Mike’s wife this weekend only filled me with pride instead of failure. After a weekend of keeping my physical distance from Mike, still feeling betrayed and confused, I allowed him into my bed last night after a few margaritas and an the ridiculous idea that by sleeping with him again, I’d have won. I told myself that he’d remember all of the best parts of our marriage and family if I allowed this last step to bring us back together.

I was wrong.

This morning, he’s acting as I always wished he would, but something inside me keeps wanting to push him away. The damage has been done.

“We have to get back.” I pull the covers back up over me and try and slide away from him casually, “we have a big meeting together tomorrow.”

He continues kissing across my chest as his hands drift up my thighs, unaware of my change of heart. “Let’s skip it. I’m not sure I want you working with your ex-boyfriend anymore. You’re all mine.”

I stiffen and lift my head to look down at him. “Wasn’t I all yours last week too?” I say accusingly. “Or is it now that you’ve dumped your slut, I can’t be around any man you feel threatened by?” I sit up and push him off me.

“Christ almighty, Alexa, don’t ruin this weekend with your insecurities. I was kidding. I know I have nothing to worry about with him. He likes his women young and dump-able.” Mike laughs as he makes another cut to my ego.

I watch as Mike gets up out of bed, picking up his clothes before heading to the bathroom, without any regard to how he just made me feel. I know I promised not to bring up his infidelity while we were away on the trip, but I’ll be damned if I’ll let Mike act like Jamie wouldn’t choose me either. Or that I’d even give a shit if he did.

My face heats up as I go over all the times Mike has made me feel unimportant. I gather up the sheet around me and follow him to the bathroom. When he sees me there, he exhales, exasperated, before he leans against the wall.

“For the record, Michael,” I’m seething with frustration, “even if Jamie wanted to be with me, I wouldn’t ever do anything to jeopardize our marriage. Because I took a vow.” I walked up to him and tapped each word on his chest. “I. Don’t. Break. Vows.”

“Well, you sure have mastered ruining a good time,” he mumbles before he walks past me and out the door.