The Wife (6 page)

The entire car ride home, I try to focus my thoughts on the weekend I have planned with Mike and the boys. Our therapist suggested a trip together as a way to see whether we can reignite our love for each other by taking ourselves out of the grind of our busy lives. I was surprised by how upset Dr. Murphy got when we said we were taking the boys with us on the weekend away, but it has been months since we’ve all spent any extended amount of time together. When Mike suggested we take them with us, I agreed excitedly, knowing that his love for our boys can only help mend his love for me and our relationship. I know she thinks that we need alone time to work on us, but it’s not just about me and Mike: it’s about the boys, too—it’s about our family.

Mike and I decided to take the boys to San Diego to go swimming and play a few rounds of golf before summer kicks into full swing and it’s too hot to golf with the kids. There’ll be plenty of opportunity for Mike and I to have our alone time to work on the two of us with all the activities at the resort there are to offer the boys in the evenings. Colin is about to start fourth grade, and I already feel him pulling away from us, ready to stretch his wings and gain more independence. A vacation like this is just what we all need.

Sometimes I wonder whether they sense the divide between their father and me, and that’s why they are pulling away from us more, but then I stop myself and remember that they’re just normal children, with wacky rollercoaster emotions. As much as I want them to grow up and find themselves, the mommy in me wants to keep my sweet boys all to myself to love on forever.

“Sugar” by Maroon 5 comes on the radio when I drive through the gate of our community, bringing me back to reality. I sing along as I drive down the wooded street that leads to my home. The unfamiliar feeling of happiness bubbles inside with the thoughts of getting back to the way our life should be this weekend. I continue to sing along to the addictive tune, hitting all the high notes so horribly that it makes me laugh. I feel lighter already at the thoughts of hope I’m allowing in rather than the despair I’ve felt all day. I can only imagine how happy I’ll feel after our weekend together. I know for most people, often the experience doesn’t always meet the expectations, but one thing I can say about Mike is that he always exceeds my expectations when it comes to planning special time together. Maybe it’s because we rarely have time to be together anymore, or maybe it’s because it’s how he shows me he loves me, but at this point in our relationship, it’s the one situation he hasn’t tainted for us.

Yet.

Just when I pull into the long, stone driveway that leads to the garage at the back of our two-story New England style home, I see one of Mike’s cars parked in my spot. I wasn’t expecting him to be home this early, but begin to think of the best way to make the most out of this surprise like I would have before we had the boys. A shower together could be just the thing to show him I’m taking the final step to trusting him and giving myself to him again.

My body heats up at the anticipation of feeling his strong hands across my naked body again. I realize now how much I miss the adoring way he looks at me when we make love. I sneak up the back steps that lead to our bedroom door, hoping I’ll be able to undress before luring him to our bathroom. I open the back door slowly at first, hoping to hide my arrival. I close my eyes as the creaking door echoes through the house, and laugh a little to myself. I’m more like a teenager sneaking in past curfew than a wife trying to give her husband a sexy surprise. I shut the door behind me, still giggling to myself, and listen to see whether I can tell where he is in the house.

There seems to be a television on in the other room, so I quickly sneak up the back stairway, two steps at a time, hoping to at least get to our room before he realizes I’m home. Once I make it up the steps, I tiptoe into our room, still feeling excited with the anticipation of being with Mike again, and undress as quickly as I can. I smile when I see his lucky tie laid out on our bed. He’s been in our room. I wonder how often he has come up here the past few weeks, wishing we were together again too. I wonder whether he misses being with me as much as I do him. I slip the tie around my neck, just like I had when I gave it to him the first time. I decide to brush out my hair a little before I call downstairs for him; I know he loves my hair down. I make my way toward our bathroom when I hear him talking quietly on the other side of the bathroom door.

Another business call.

I remind myself of how we used to be, and decide to surprise him while he’s on the phone. Maybe he’ll choose me over work for once. I imagine his expression as he sees me wearing nothing but his tie and hope to see that mischievous smile that used to drive me wild. I slowly open the bathroom door and see his stressed reflection in the mirror, but he hasn’t noticed me yet. I flush with excitement, hoping to ease his tension with what I have planned for us.

Just as quickly as my excitement built inside me, it’s deflated like a popped balloon from what Mike says next.

“How many times do I have to tell you to stop calling me? Stop texting me. We’re done. I don’t have it.” His voice is hushed and harsh. “Are you crazy? I have a wife. I have a family. You can’t expect that from me!”

My heart stops.

I swing open the door, forgetting that seconds ago I had hoped to give my husband a sexy surprise. I rip the tie off my neck and throw it at my husband just as he notices me with a regretful expression.

He catches the tie and hangs up the phone immediately. “How long have you been standing there?”

“Long enough,” I say flatly, standing naked in the dimly lit bathroom.

“It’s not what you think.” Mike reaches for my arm in desperation.

I pull away, grab a towel from the rack beside me, and cover myself before I can be humiliated even more than I’ve already been today.

“What is it then, Mike? Because it sure sounds like I’ve been right all along.” I won’t let the tears fall from my eyes. I can’t give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry. I won’t let him think he can talk his way out of this one.

Mike’s eyes meet mine and I try to ignore the regret and sincerity that seem to be there. “I want to make us work, Alexa. That’s what you heard. You heard me making sure that nothing gets in the way of showing you that I still love you.” His strong, masculine features crumble with remorse. “I can’t lose the boys or you.” He holds up his phone to me. “Here, call back the last number. You’ll see it was just a business call.”

This time I let him pull me close to him. “I deserve more than this, Mike. I can’t keep doubting you this way. I deserve to be with someone who is faithful. I refuse to lose you and my dignity at the same time. If you don’t want to be with me, then stop fucking with my head and set me free.”

He tilts my head up to meet his gaze. “I’ve made mistakes, Alexa, but they’re not all what you think. There are things I can’t tell you. Not now, anyway.” He presses a kiss on my forehead and closes his eyes. “I will make it better between us. That’s what I was doing. I want no one but you. I know that now.” He looks at me with such sadness, I can’t help but be crushed inside too.

“Then tell me now,” I say coldly, pushing him away from me. “Are you cheating on me?”

He sighs and runs his hand through his messy salt-and-peppered hair. “I’ve made mistakes that I’m not proud of.”

My breath hitches and it’s as if I can see my entire heart shatter on the floor below me. Even though it’s what I’ve thought all along, hearing him finally admit it hurts far worse than I ever imagined.

“I want you to say it.” I press him to say the words. I need the full truth.

He looks down regretfully. “I’ve made mistakes, but I love you.”

“Say. It,” I repeat coldly.

His eyes met mine with shame. “Yes, I’ve cheated on you.” He tried to pull me to him. “I can’t lose you. I love you. It’s the stress of my job, and the late nights…my judgment hasn’t been what it should have been. You’re right—you don’t deserve this, but I can’t lose you.”

My eyes freeze on his.

Tears fall.

Tongue-tied.

He kisses my forehead and pulls me in tightly, whispering in my ear that he loves me and begs for my forgiveness.

“It has to be over, Mike. You can’t keep doing this to me. I won’t stay with you if you keep doing this. I’ll take the boys and we’ll leave.”

He takes me possessively in his arms and runs his hands gently through my hair. I’m too hurt and confused to react. I’m not sure what to do. I love him; I know I love him.

“I
love
you, Alexa. I love you and our family more than anything in the world, and I’ll fight for us. There’ll never be anyone but you again.”

I snap away from him. “There. Shouldn’t. Have. Ever. Been. Anyone. Else. In. The. First. Place.” I have to breathe between each word to keep the tears from spilling over.

“Alexa, there’s a lot you don’t know. When this is all over, I promise to tell you everything. But you need to trust that I’m committed to us, and I’m going to change. Life just got away from me, but I don’t want that life. I know that now. I want us.” He kisses the top of my head. “Please give me another chance.” He traces his hand across the top of the pillowy towel clenched to my chest.

“I don’t know if I’ll ever trust you again.” My words make him wince with hurt. The very foundation of our relationship was built on intrinsic trust. Mike knew that it was the one thing I loved most about him after what I went through when Jamie left. Until now, I thought nothing would ever hurt that bad, but the sting of Mike’s betrayal of trust is a harsh reality to take.

“Are you willing to try to forgive me?” He places my hair back behind my ear.

My head spins with confusion. Does his admission really change anything? This entire time, I was in therapy with Mike because I suspected he was cheating on me. I had him sleep in a separate room because I thought he was cheating on me. I’ve been excited about a weekend away, hoping to woo him back even though I’ve suspected he been cheating on me. I’m doing all these things and still living in the house with him, trying to make things work and keep our family together, even though I’ve suspected he’s cheating on me. Why is it that now that he’s finally admitted that I’ve been right all along, I want to leave him? Nothing has really changed, other than my suspicions have been confirmed. My biggest fear until that moment was that he wouldn’t choose me and the kids in the end. Now that he says he has chosen us, why is it hard for me to forgive him?

I’ve tried hard to keep my integrity and to turn myself into a strong, independent woman in my marriage and seem to be failing miserably. Would staying with him, knowing what I know, make me weak—pathetic perhaps?

Will I always live in doubt?

Will my kids ever forgive me if I leave him?

Will people perceive me as a fool if I stay?

So many questions spin through me that I feel sick.

Mike kisses my head again and looks at me with those dark, alluring eyes that used to have me hypnotized. “Please don’t give up on me.”

I press my head against his chest as he wraps me up in his muscular arms. I can hear the rapid patter of his heart, and helplessly fold into him. “I don’t want to, but you haven’t left me with much of a choice.” The anger finally erupts from me. “I’m not the one who gave up, Mike!” I pound my fists on his chest. “You gave up. It’s all you. How do I know you won’t give up again?”

He lets me hit his chest one more time before he takes my wrists in his hands and pulls me up to him again. “I never gave up on us. Things got out of hand. I made a mistake.” He turns me around and has me pressed up against the door with my hands pinned above me; my towel slides to the floor. “I can’t live with myself if my mistakes cause me to lose you. I realize now, I don’t want to lose you. I love you, Alexa.” Mike’s gravelly voice tears at my heart. I can hear his pain in each syllable. “I will spend the rest of our lives showing you how much I love you.” His voice becomes soft and husky as he slides his knee between my legs and kisses my neck. “Please let me show you. I love you so much.” He teases me with his tongue and it reminds me how badly I’ve missed his touch. “I miss sharing a bed with you,” he says in a whisper as his kisses move toward my mouth. “I miss everything about us. I want us to go back to the way things were, but you have to let me in.”

My body tenses when he slowly slides his hand up my thighs. “I want to believe that.” I know deep down that he’s saying what he thinks he needs to, to get me to stay. Mike has always tried to use sex to make up for being late, or show his love for me, and it makes me sick that he’s doing it now. This isn’t a simple fight that can be cured with a kiss. He’s just admitted to cheating on me.

I don’t want to lose him, but don’t want to lose
me
either. Isn’t this what I’ve been working for all this time in therapy? Haven’t I always told myself that I wouldn’t walk away if he truly wants to get our relationship back on track? I haven’t ever seen him this broken—this raw—and it’s tearing me up, making me unsure of what to do.

I can feel pieces of myself falling away with each touch that I allow him, losing all sense of myself. There’s no denying that each kiss makes me feel wanted and desired again. A feeling that has been absent for too long to remember.

Need.

Desperation.

Passion.