The Winter Spirit ARE (14 page)

Every once in a while we had to defrost some idiot who thought it would be funny to say goodbye to the old year by going outside in the snow without any winter gear on, but mostly I found the whole thing pretty boring, and stayed on the periphery. This year would be no different.

I opened up the lounge and dining room, made space for the party, and ensured I wasn’t needed. Seeing everything run smoothly, I was about to lock myself up in my room until February—or until Elisa dragged me out of my cocoon at least—when Archie cornered me in the hallway.

“Nate, hey, how’s it going?”

“Good.” I began to sidle toward the stairs. “Enjoying the party?”

“Yes, it’s great. Listen.” He put his hand on my arm to halt my escape. “I just wanted to let you know we’ve been checking the lake a little more thoroughly since you were so convinced of what you’d seen. We found nothing.”

I nodded, feeling bad that they’d been out there while I knew chances were slim they’d find someone. “Thanks, Archie. I appreciate it.”

“No one’s been reported missing in the vicinity either. I checked. So you can rest assured that whatever you saw wasn’t a person going down, okay? Maybe it was a tree limb that had fallen during the night, or something.”

I plastered on a weak smile. “Yeah, maybe.” I tugged a little but he didn’t let go.

“You okay?” Archie peered at me. “Or is there something else you need to tell me?”

My shoulders slumped. “No, everything’s fine. You’re right, it was probably nothing. The sun wasn’t entirely up yet, and I hadn’t slept much.” I tried to smile a little more sincerely. “Thanks for letting me know. I’m sure I’ll sleep better now.”

He relaxed and let go of my arm. “You staying for the party?”

“No,” I said. “Not this time. But enjoy yourselves. There’s plenty of food.”

Archie nodded at me. “Will do. Take care, Nate.”

I smiled and finally escaped. More people had trickled in through the front door and I had to make small talk with a few of them before I finally managed to make my way upstairs. The seclusion of my room called and I almost made it there, already relaxing with relief, when I heard, “Nate?”

I spun around, because for a second…but no. Gabriel never called me Nate, and my heart fell when I saw who’d followed me up.

“Owen. You’re back.”

He gave me a half-apologetic grin. “I am.” He paused, waiting for something but I couldn’t for the life of me think for what. I stood there in silence, wishing he’d go away. “How have you been?”

“Good.”

“That’s…nice. I um, heard you had some excitement? Over by the lake. People were talking…” He trailed off when I turned my face away. Bile bubbled in my throat. Excitement. That was one word for it, I supposed. My patience ran out.

“What do you want, Owen?”

“Oh.” He looked startled. “Well. I’m back? For good this time. We…uh, decided to call it quits after all, and I’m taking over Mr. Summers’ practice starting in February. I’m taking January to get acquainted with his cases, not that they’re complicated in a place like this.”

“Yes, because people here are simple and their lives less meaningful than in a big city, so their problems are of less consequence.”

Owen blinked at me. “That’s not what I meant, Nate. You know that.”

I pinched the bridge of my nose. I was being a jerk, but I was tired and a hell of a headache was rising up from my sinuses.

“What do you want from me, Owen?” I asked, my voice coming out low and exhausted.

“I just… Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. I’m tired. I want to get some rest, so if there’s nothing else…” I put my hand on my bedroom door.

“Well, actually I was hoping now I’ll be living here that you and I can get to know each other again.” He had the decency to blush. “Properly, I mean. Not rush into anything.”

That made me laugh, and it wasn’t altogether a nice sound. “Not rush into anything? Did you move out of your other house yet? Did you sign your divorce papers? Does your wife know you’re gay?”

“Not yet, but—”

I shook my head, my anger evaporating. I wasn’t mad at him. “Take some time, Owen. Get settled down. Learn your job, find a house. Live in it. By yourself. Then maybe in a year or two, you’ll be in a place where you can find someone.”

He stood in silence for a while, and I felt sorry for him as I saw my words hit home. “Someone not you,” he softly said.

I opened my bedroom door. “Yes. Someone not me. Bye, Owen, and good luck. I’ll see you around.”

“Okay.” I saw him nod out of the corner of my eye. “Bye, Nate.”

I closed the door behind me and relished the relative silence. I heard the music and hum of voices from downstairs but it was indistinct enough to ignore it. Without turning the lights on, I moved toward my French windows and stared out. The faintest moonlight penetrated a layer of clouds, highlighting drifting snowflakes falling down like they had all the time in the world. I pressed my hand to the window, watching the heat of it take shape around my fingers. Snowflakes melted on the other side. A clock ticked vaguely in the background. I turned around, because for a second…but no. I was all alone.

I didn’t go into the bathroom to find him because I knew he wasn’t there.

“I hope you’re in a good place,” I whispered, because it was the right thing to do. “I hope you found the peace you deserve. I’ll miss you.”

I squeezed my eyes closed. I said the words and part of me meant them, but mostly I just wanted him here. It wasn’t fair. I felt like a child again, back when I realized for the first time my home life wasn’t like others’. My friends had moms and dads who loved them, not grandparents who tolerated them because they had to. They didn’t shift in their seats in class because their backsides had been lined with the blows of a ruler after being caught eating something they weren’t supposed to. My eyes stung and I let the tears fall.

If I felt sorry for myself, at least no one had to know. But I wanted him here so badly it was physical pain.

The Christmas lights had been turned off so the guests could see the annual fireworks at midnight, which meant my room was plunged in darkness. I didn’t turn on any lights, just sat in my rocking chair with my blanket staring into the pitch black. While I didn’t sleep, time seemed to stretch and thin around me, one moment highlighting the noise downstairs, then turning everything eerily silent.

I curled up and hugged the blanket, letting the rocking of the chair lull me, until the countdown started. Everyone sounded so happy. It made me cringe.

Ten—Nine—Eight

Somewhere far away a bang sounded, like fireworks had gone off early, but I saw nothing.

Seven—Six—Five

I closed my eyes and imagined the people downstairs, celebrating with huge smiles on their faces, a little—or a lot—inebriated and already searching out the person they wanted to kiss the most.

Four—Three—Two

I rose to my feet despite myself. Fireworks never excited me much, but it was so dark and I felt so cold, I yearned for anything that could bring some light to this long night.

One

Color exploded all around in the distance, huge plumes of white and blue and red, and I started a little at the sudden sound of it. My window went dark and I stood there blinded for a second, listening to the cheering and happy wishes downstairs, until the next volley of light burst through the sky. And there he was, reflected in my window.

Gabriel
.

I spun around, but my room was empty. I looked back, and flickering in my window, there he stood.

“Gabriel,” I whispered, “oh my God.”

He reached out a hand, and wore an anguished expression, like he wanted something from me but I didn’t know what. Soon the fireworks would end. My room went dark again. Another volley, and there he was again. I pressed my palms to the window. It seemed like he came closer, his hands almost touched mine on the other side of the glass.

“Gabriel,” I said, my voice quivering. “Come back to me. Please.” I didn’t care how selfish I was being, he looked like he was in pain, like he was being dragged away from me, into the bright light of the fireworks behind him. “I love you,” I said, too loud. “Please!” I banged a fist against the window, the panes rattling precariously. “Please, come back to me.” My room went dark and the fireworks didn’t continue. I leaned my forehead against the ice cold glass and closed my eyes. “Please,” I whispered. “I love you.”

Happy New Year!

I heard cheers and cat calls, whistles and those cheap little party favors horns. The window felt good against my overheated forehead as I let the tears fall. The yelling and singing didn’t subside for a long time and I remained where I was, wishing for it all to end.

And then I heard it—how, I didn’t know, because the noise from the party was deafening—but a knock came from the front door.

Slowly I straightened and stared at myself in the reflection of the window. Faint, silent fireworks were still going off in the distance. I looked disheveled and grieved. The knock came again.

I spun on my heels and ran downstairs.

At first I couldn’t say or do anything. It even took me a brief moment to recognize him. He was the same…but not. His hair wasn’t perfect, his clothes looked wrinkled.

He was real.

“Gabriel.” I covered my mouth, afraid of the sound I’d make next.

“I’m so c-c-cold,” he managed, teeth chattering.

Waking up from my stupor, I grabbed his sleeve and dragged him inside.

“Oh my God. Oh my
God
. Are you here?
Really
here?” I closed the door. Someone came through the hallway, nodding politely at us. I didn’t want to be interrupted, so I pushed him up the stairs. When we were hidden away from view on the landing, I made him face me again. “Gabriel?” I whispered. “I thought you were gone.”

He nodded, still shivering, and soon I’d get him warmed up but first I needed to know. “I thought I was gone too. It was just…dark. And then I heard you. I heard what you said.” He wouldn’t look at me, but I’d deal with that later. His lips were turning blue.

“Come with me.” I gently led him into my bedroom and through to the bathroom where I ran the shower and began to strip him of his clothes. There was nothing sexual about it. His suit was in such a bad state all I wanted was to be rid of it. For some reason it offended me, while it never had before, and I faltered.

“Were you buried in this suit?” I asked, suddenly horrified.

“Yes. I thought you knew.”

“No.” I shuddered and let it drop. “I’m throwing this out.”

Gabriel laughed a little shakily as he hugged his arms around himself. “I won’t have anything to wear.”

“We’ll go shopping. In the meantime, my stuff will do.” It’d be too big and too short, but tough shit. I stripped him bare and ached when I saw his flesh pimple with cold. “You saved my life,” I whispered.

He stilled, touched my cheek, then cupped the back of my head and lightly kissed me on the mouth. His lips were like ice. “And it’s the most meaningful thing I’ve ever done.”

With trembling fingers I touched his hair and his cheeks, then I let my hands fall to his chest. He pulled me close and I buried my nose in his neck. He smelled of cold winter nights and damp clothes, of something forest-y, and sweet at the same time. My eyes fell closed and I didn’t even try to pretend I wasn’t about to cry. I let go of him.

“Are you really here?” I asked, right before he stepped into the shower.

“I don’t know,” he said. “I think so.” Gabriel moaned when the hot water hit him and I left him to it, needing to find my bearings for a second.

He was here. But to stay? I realized a whole different kind of waiting game was about to begin.

Epilogue

I’d never seen skies like these. Even living in the middle of nowhere, my Michigan stars held nothing to these jewels that winked down on me. It helped that it was Christmas, and I was warm for once. The air was fragrant with something sweet and spicy I’d never smelled before I’d set foot on the Canary Islands. Water lapped at our sailboat as it bobbed up and down the gentle waves of the sea.