The Winter Wedding (11 page)

‘Ollie wants a baby. And so, I think, do I. But I’m scared. I’m worried it’s not going to happen.’

‘Have you told him that?’

She nodded. ‘I said I wasn’t sure if it would be possible.’

‘And what did he say?’

‘He says he loves me and wants to be with me no matter what,’ Lila said, rubbing away a tear.

‘Well, there you go,’ I said. ‘OK, so things might not be straightforward for you, but no one has any guarantees. You love each other and want to get married –
don’t let this stand in your way.’

Her eyes met mine, and she took my hand. ‘Thank you.’

15 August

The School of Ballet, Warwickshire

Fairy lights traced the edges of the windows of the ballet school, and tealights hung from the surrounding trees, twinkling in the dusk. Lila stepped out of the car, a vintage
V8 Pilot, a stole draped around her shoulders, setting off her floor-length ivory gown to perfection, our dad smiling proudly by her side. There was a collective gasp from the wedding guests, as we
all walked into the room.

Lila looked beautiful – and it was nothing to do with the dress, or anything she was wearing. After our chat the previous night, her anxieties seemed to have disappeared, replaced with a
kind of calm contentment. She was ready.

Her hair, small sections curled and pinned in silver-screen style, suited her perfectly – I knew then I’d been right to choose Andy as the hairdresser. The actresses on the top
costume dramas raved about him. When Lila and I had first talked about 1920s styling, back in the spring, Andy had sprung to mind immediately. He might have been pure TOWIE on the surface, but
under that deep spray tan, he had a comprehensive knowledge of period hairstyles and a way of making even the most highly strung female feel relaxed.

I focused on my sister – and the look that Ollie was giving her as he watched her walk towards him up the aisle.

Lila’s voice was shaking a little as she said her vows, and I noticed Ollie give her hand a squeeze. As they kissed, a cheer went up from the crowd. I glanced back and
saw Mum and Dad on the bench seats behind us. They were next to each other, and both beaming with pride.

After the ceremony, Lila and her new husband descended the stone steps, and we showered them with flower petal confetti.

‘She looks very happy,’ Mum whispered to me.

‘He’s a lucky man,’ Dad added. There were tears of pride in his eye.

‘He is,’ Mum said.

Dad put his arm around Mum and held her close.

Amber and I were just congratulating ourselves on a job well done, during the speeches, when the room fell quiet and I saw Ben making his way over to the microphone. My chest
went tight. This was not in the plan – my brother, who had been so vague and unpredictable lately – had definitely not been invited to give a speech at the wedding.

Lila hadn’t noticed. Her back was to him, and she was gazing into Ollie’s eyes, oblivious to whatever it was that was about to unfold.

Ben was clearing his throat. Mum gave me a questioning look, as if I’d organised this without mentioning it to her.

‘So, here we all are,’ Ben said. Lila’s face registered alarm, and she too looked at me, panicked. Of all of us on the top table, Ollie was the only one who remained relaxed,
sipping from his glass of Champagne. Ben cleared his throat and began to speak.

‘Lila’s always got what she wanted –’

I desperately wanted to do something – snatch the mic from him, make it all stop. But he was two guests away from me, and if I moved it would be evident to the whole room that something
had gone wrong – and I didn’t want to risk that. Not yet. I had no choice but to watch on anxiously.

Lila looked confused, as if she too imagined that I had some greater plan here.

When I’d run through the list of potential hazards for the wedding and embarked on damage-limitation I had failed to think about Ben. I had connected him only with not caring –
upsetting Lila by not turning up – so the moment I had received his RSVP I thought we were out of the woods.

‘And it seems she set her sights on a nice guy –’ His words were slow and considered, dragged out by the wine he’d been drinking – his cheeks were unusually flushed
and he had beads of sweat on his forehead, ‘– this time – ,’ he continued, to a room that had fallen awkwardly silent.

Please stop, I thought. Please don’t say anything more.

‘Don’t worry,’ he said, meeting my eyes. ‘I’m not going to embarrass anyone. They’re a wonderful couple, and I’m very, very proud of my sister
today.’

‘Nice speech your brother gave,’ Ollie’s best man Eliot said to me, his fiancée Gemma by his side. ‘I haven’t seen that side to him at
work,’ he added. I couldn’t work out if he was being sarcastic, but I felt desperately relieved that my worst fears hadn’t played out.

‘Let’s hope everything goes as smoothly for us, eh Eliot,’ Gemma said.

‘It can’t be long for you guys now,’ I said.

‘Probably not,’ Gemma said. ‘We haven’t managed to agree on a date yet, or, well – anything else much.’

‘She’s very hard to please,’ Eliot said, laughing.

‘I am not,’ she said. ‘Anyway, can we go out for that smoke now? I’m dying.’

‘Old habits,’ Eliot said, apologetically. ‘I think we must be the only people in the country who still smoke. But it’s kind of a romantic thing for us. Gemma works in the
bank opposite mine, and that’s how we met.’

‘Sheltering under the Pret awning as it poured down with rain,’ Gemma said, laughing at the memory.

‘Yep,’ Eliot said. ‘I don’t think she was immediately convinced I was The One.’

‘You persuaded me in the end,’ Gemma said. ‘Right. Out we go.’

I didn’t know Eliot or Gemma well but I’d warmed to them. They were the kind of people you felt at ease around quickly.

The reception all went smoothly. Lila and Ollie had danced their first dance to an admiring crowd of friends and family. Lila hadn’t simply danced, she’d glided – and while
Ollie wasn’t a professional, it hadn’t showed, she’d carried him somehow.

The pace had picked up now, and Amber and I were dancing with a few friends to the soul band I’d arranged – it was a relief and a joy to see how popular they were, both with the
guests our age, the kids, and our parents’ generation.

But I was distracted. After his attempt at a speech, Ben seemed to have disappeared – and while I was unsure of his whereabouts, I had a lingering feeling of uneasiness. There was
something weird about the way he was acting, and I couldn’t ignore it.

I left the dance floor and went back out into the area where we’d all been seated for the wedding breakfast.

My brother was staring down at his phone in the semi-darkness, the screen lighting his face with a blue-white glow. When he glanced up at me I saw that his eyes – green like mine, like
Lila’s, were slightly red and bloodshot.

‘That was a nice thing you did back there,’ I said.

‘You sound surprised.’

‘I guess I am, a bit,’ I said. I hadn’t known what was going to come out of my brother’s mouth. That’s how distant we’d become.

He shrugged, cast his eye back to his phone.

‘Put that away for a minute, Ben.’

Out of surprise, more than obedience, he pocketed the phone and looked back at me.

‘What’s going on with you lately?’ I asked.

‘Nothing.’

‘You were vague about coming today, kept us all guessing, and then . . . I don’t get it, Ben.’

‘It’s nothing.’

I raised an eyebrow.

‘OK. It’s complicated.’

I thought of the familial bonds that had brought us all together under one roof that day and realised how very fragile they were. I put a hand on my brother’s arm and tried to bridge the
gap. His gaze was cast down, and I thought for a moment that something in him had softened. Looking at his face, crumpled and weary, I thought of the times at the house when we were young. When
he’d trip in the garden, gravel embedding itself in his knees, and I’d pick him back up, hold him close until his sobbing slowly subsided. Back then his heart and skin and soul had felt
part of mine, just like Lila’s did. I guess I wanted him to feel better, because that was my job. Making things right with him was the only way I could feel OK about being me.

‘I think it’s time I went home,’ Ben said.

When Ben left, in a taxi, I returned to the party, but the buzz of excitement I’d felt earlier had disappeared, replaced with a strange new sadness. The music that had
sounded so sweet just half an hour ago now just seemed loud.

‘Here you go,’ Amber said, passing me a Champagne glass. My heart lifted at the sight of her friendly face, and of the drink. ‘Bellini,’ she said. ‘I think
you’ve earned it.’

‘Thanks,’ I said. I smiled, but my mind was still reeling. However, one glance across the dance floor to where Lila and Ollie were standing, arms around each other and both laughing,
their faces close, confirmed that everything that really mattered today was going OK. I thought of Lila and Ollie’s faces when I’d handed over my wedding present to them – the set
I’d made of their wedding. I’d worried they might think it was silly, but Lila’s eyes had lit up when she saw it. She and Ollie said it was the perfect way for them to remember
the day.

Amber and I danced for a while, and I started to push aside my concerns about Ben. He couldn’t ruin today – nothing could – and if he wanted to deal with whatever anger or
problems he had on his own, then so be it.

‘Cheeseboard’s out,’ Amber said, nudging me. I was about to follow her over, when I heard my name.

It was his voice. So familiar. Gravelly, but you could always hear a smile in it. Sam. Dressed in a suit and clean-shaven. He looked more mature, in a good way. His hair was close-cropped, with
short sideburns, and apart from the dark metal ring high in his ear, the skater boy was all but gone.

‘Hi,’ I said, my voice barely sounding. Then I remembered my manners. ‘Amber, Sam. Sam, Amber.’

‘I’ll leave you guys to catch up,’ Amber said, excusing herself. ‘I’m afraid I’m not missing that cheeseboard out of courtesy.’

‘Sorry to get here late,’ he said. ‘There was crazy traffic on the motorway. Your sister looks amazing,’ Sam said.

‘Doesn’t she?’ I said, smiling proudly.

‘And you don’t look so bad yourself,’ he said. He smiled, then cast a glance at my bridesmaid’s dress. His eyes drifted over the full skirt, the floaty fabric. I felt
silly – like a little girl dressed up as a princess for a party.

A flush crept onto my cheeks. He was being polite. This really wasn’t the kind of look he’d ever dug – we both knew that.

We were standing apart from one another, and his posture was awkward. Our friendship and easy way with one another seemed a world away now. My heart felt heavy. He must have felt the same way,
as he gave me a hug, slightly rigid and out of sync, but a hug all the same, and it felt good to be close to him again. The trace scent of the coconut hair wax he used that reminded me of
summer.

‘Great party,’ he said. ‘Lila told me you’re the one responsible for making it all happen.’

‘Lila and Ollie had the vision,’ I said. ‘I just sorted a few of the details.’

‘Whatever you say. Do you want to go and get a drink?’ Sam said, pointing over at the bar. ‘It would be good to chat.’

It would be good to chat
. The words lingered as I tried to find a way to reply.
It would be the best thing ever to chat
, I thought.
It would be
incredible
to chat.
Chatting to you again is pretty much all I’ve thought about for the past few months.

‘Sure,’ I said.

Back in London on Sunday evening, with the wedding still fresh in our minds, Amber and I were sitting in our living room, in t-shirts and jeans, drinking tea. Since
Lila’s wedding the smile had barely left my face – all of the time planning had culminated in an unforgettable day.

Lila and Ollie were off on their honeymoon in Paris, and I was left feeling proud that I’d been part of a day that had meant so much for her and Ollie. And I also felt a warm glow at the
memory of talking to Sam again.

‘It was AMAZING,’ Amber said, lying back on the nest she’d made from sofa cushions. ‘From start to finish, definitely the best wedding I’ve ever been to.’

‘The cake was a total hit. I think you probably picked up quite a few future customers, if you’re looking.’

Amber smiled. ‘Not right now, but maybe one day.’

‘Anyway, I’m looking forward to a decent night’s sleep tonight – it’ll be the first one I’ve had since Lila and I started planning.’

‘What was up with your brother at the wedding?’

‘So you noticed he was acting weird too?’

‘Yes, I heard him on the phone at one point,’ Amber said, as if she was just recalling it now. ‘He seemed upset about something.’

‘Probably lost a few quid on the stock exchange. That’s all that seems to matter to him these days.’

‘No,’ Amber said. ‘It wasn’t that. I don’t think it was to do with work. He said they had to make a decision, or he was going.’

‘A woman?’ I said. Ben hadn’t talked about anyone – not for years. I’d started to wonder if maybe city life had turned him celibate.

Amber shrugged. ‘I probably shouldn’t have said anything, I only caught a few words. But it just seemed odd, at such a happy occasion. I thought it was worth mentioning.’

‘Right,’ I said. ‘Thanks.’

Amber got to her feet and started to tidy the kitchen. I went into my room and got out my phone to call Ben.

There’d been a time when I wouldn’t have thought twice about calling him. And yet now – I braced myself for Ben’s likely response to my call – guarded, cynical.

The ringtone went on, and in spite of myself I felt a little wave of relief when it switched to answerphone.

‘Hey, it’s Ben. You’ve just missed me. Leave me a message and I’ll call you right back.’

Tears sprung to my eyes. I hadn’t heard his voicemail for a while, so rarely did I call him, but – unlike Ben himself – it hadn’t changed. There on that recorded message
was the calm, funny and kind man that I’d grown up with.