The Witch's Brew: A Collection of Hilarious Short Stories Starring the Wicked Witch of the West (4 page)

Mickey Windmill Not Goldmill like It Was in the Rocky Movies waved them away and turned back to Dorothy. “Right. You caught the chicken. Now, let’s hit the bag.”  

CHAPTER FOUR

D
o Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do. The crowd went wild. “Dor-a-thee, Dor-a-thee, Dor-a-thee. “

Mickey turned to Frank Who Would Be Mor Gan a Hundred and Twenty Years Old If He Were Still Alive Today and said, “Would you turn that thing off so she can fucking concentrate? Shee-it.” 

Frank pressed
stop
on the CD player and headed for the toilet.

“Where the hell you going?”
Mickey asked.

Frank didn’t stop nor did he look back. “To do a shee- it. Just like you said.”

Mickey shook his head and turned back to Dorothy. “Now, hit that damn bag as hard as you can.”

Dorothy did what she was told and her ex-mother-in-law went flying through the air. She crashed hard against the wall and fell to the ground. Rubbing her jaw, she looked up at Dorothy. “I thought you loved me.” She climbed to her feet and ran out of the gymnasium crying.

Mickey shook his head. “Not
that
bag.
This
bag.” He grabbed the punching bag and swung it at Dorothy who swung hard and smashed her glove against it.

BOOM!!!

The punching bag came free of the chain hanging from the ceiling and slid across the floor. It came to rest at the feet of Apollo Creed the Thirteenth starring Tom Handkerchief. He looked up at Dorothy and smiled. Dorothy looked at Mickey. “What do you think? Should I?”

“He’s a former fuckin champ, Dorothy,” Mickey replied. “You ain’t in that league yet. Now, get back to work.”

“But the bag,” Dorothy said, “it’s over at his feet.”

“Forget the bag,” Mickey said. “And forget him.”

Apollo Creed the Thirteenth starring Tom Handkerchief rubbed his crotch then blew Dorothy a kiss off the hand he had rubbed his crotch with. She caught it in her glove and held it to her heart. Mickey growled. He grabbed Dorothy and pushed her toward the door. “Come on,” he said. “It’s time to go.” Dorothy waved to Apollo Creed the Thirteenth starring Tom Handkerchief and went outside. Mickey followed here there. A limo was waiting for them. They climbed in and the driver hit the gas. The limo pulled up a short time later outside the Caseen I Know I Shouldn’t Bet, But What the Hell its Only One Bet and they climbed out. A reporter stepped in front of Dorothy and shoved a microphone in her face. “Do you think you can win?” the reporter asked. Dorothy grabbed the microphone and turned to the television camera. “Yo you **BEEPin** Wicked Witch, I’m gonna make mince meat of your children you Goddam **BEEPin** **BEEP** so Take That who sang my favorite song about that Goddam **BEEPin** coffee cup with the **BEEPin** lipstick marks still on it and I love youse all so Wicked Witch you can suck my **BEEPin** **BEEP** Got it you Goddam **BEEPin** **BEEP**??”

Mickey hurried Dorothy who was still **BEEPin** into the Caseen I Know I Shouldn’t Bet, But What the Hell its Only One Bet. The reporter turned to his cameraman. “What the **BEEPin **BEEP** was
that
all about?” The cameraman shrugged. “Beats the **BEEPin** **BEEP** outta me.”  

CHAPTER FIVE

“H
ere we are folks,” the ringside announcer said into his microphone with a great big smile on his face. The cheers from the crowd of about five thousand were fierce. Adrenalin pumped hard around the arena. “We’re ringside for what has been dubbed The Battle of Oz, Mark Two. The Wicked Witch of the West versus Dorothy Gale. The Green Machine versus The Tornado. The Broom of Doom versus The Kansas Ka Boom.”

The lights went down and an electric guitar began to play. Yeah babeee. Rockin sockin jumpin pumpin skin em alive heavy metal music. There’s nothin like it to get a crowd’s blood pumpin.

Back in Dorothy’s dressing room, Mickey Windmill Not Goldmill like It Was in the Rocky Movies paced around like a cat on hot coals. Dorothy was down on one knee in the far corner, praying to God. In the other room, the Wicked Witch was down on one knee too, praying to the Great and Powerful Ozzie Was Born with the Head of a Bat in His Mouth.

Frank Who Would Be Mor Gan a Hundred and Twenty Years Old If He Were Still Alive Today came into Dorothy’s dressing room armed with a pair of gloves and a roll of tape. “It’s time to get ready, Dorothy.”

Dorothy crossed her chest with two fingers and stood up. She turned to Frank and held out her hands with her palms facing up. “Let’s do it,” she said.

In the other room, a young man taped the Wicked Witch’s bony green hands. The Caseen I Know I Shouldn’t Bet But What The Hell It’s Only One Bet employed him to work the Wicked Witch’s corner despite her protests that she didn’t need no stinkin boy to help her. So, to appease her, they made him take a shower.

Out in the arena, the crowd went wild as the heavy metal madman strummed the bass string of his guitar. A deep throaty growl echoed throughout the arena. It was as if the Devil himself had cried out. Oh yeah, babeee.

Dorothy punched her gloved fists together and placed them on
Mickey’s shoulders. Together, they left her dressing room and headed for the arena. The electric guitar stopped strumming and Dorothy’s song of choice poured out of the dozens of speakers around the arena -
The Final Countdown
. The winner would take it all, sang ABBA, and there were no second chances. Dorothy and Mickey entered the arena. The crowd went ballistic. It was a Dorothy crowd for sure. They loved her. She was their champion. She was a
people’s
champion. BANG!!!

The Wicked Witch looked down at her gloved hands. The time had come. This was it. Once and for all. Only one would be left standing. She left her dressing room with the boy close behind. As she walked down the corridor to the entrance to the arena, she thought back to all her weird and wacky adventures. The munchkins. Stephen King Author the First. The Hulkstereo 104.3 FM. She thought back to when Dorothy killed her and when
the Great and Powerful Ozzie Was Born with the Head of a Bat in His Mouth gave her another chance.
This
chance. It’s what she had been waiting for. Another time to shine. BOOM!!!

She entered the arena and Ding Dong the Witch is Dead began to play loud, hard, and fast. Goddam favouritism if ever there was. Lights flashed. The Wicked Witch, all four feet of her, looked up at the crowd. It thundered for her blood. She raised a glove to protect her eyes from the glare of the lights. DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD, WHICH OLD WITCH, THE WICKED WITCH.

She approached the ring. Dorothy and Mickey stood shoulder to shoulder, waiting patiently. She looked up at Dorothy who said nothing. Indeed, the darkness in her eyes said more than words could say. Game on.

The Wicked Witch climbed onto the apron and looked around. They hated her. Good. She would use that hatred to her advantage. She would harness it and grow it in her gut then explode in a thunderbolt of rage. She would beat Dorothy to a bloody pulp. She would win. She had to. She had to do it for her sister, the Wicked Witch of the East, the one who had the shit squashed out of her when a small house from Kansas landed bang smack on top of her head. DOUBLE bang!!! KA-POW!!!

CHAPTER SIX

The ring announcer stood in the middle of the ring. The crowd bayed for the Wicked Witch’s blood. “In the red corner,” the announcer said in a deep, booming voice, “from the Land of Oz and weighing in at one hundred and twenty two pounds ... Wendy, the Wicked Witch of the Wesssstttaaaaaaaaaaa.”

BOO!! HISS!! BOO!!

The Wicked Witch shadow boxed as she danced around the ring. She raised her gloves into the air then shadow boxed some more.

The ring announcer turned to Dorothy. “In the blue corner, from the state of Kansas in the mid-western United States and weighing in at one hundred and thirty-three pounds, the current champion of the worrrrrrrrrrrld ... Dorotheeeeee Gayyyyyyyyy-alllllllll.”

BOOM CHICKA BOOM BOOM!! WOOHOO!! YEAH BABEEEE!!

Dorothy turned to the crowd and raised her gloves in the air. The crowd responded and Dorothy took it in. Yeah baby, indeed.

The referee came to the centre of the ring and called in Dorothy and the Wicked Witch. The referee told them what was okay and what wasn’t. Dorothy and the Wicked Witch either didn’t hear him or didn’t care. They just stared into each other’s eyes. The hatred they had for each other was intense. It burned holes in their souls.

The referee told them to touch gloves and they did.  “Have a good fight,” the referee said. Dorothy and the Wicked Witch went back to their corners for last minute instructions.

Dorothy stood with her back to Mickey who massaged her shoulders. “Watch the Witch. Which old Witch? The Wicked Witch. Got it?” Dorothy nodded then pushed her mouthguard into her mouth.

In the opposite corner, the Wicked Witch was copping a feel from her boy. The referee came over and pulled them apart. “Save it for after the fight, Wendy.”

The Wicked Witch stepped away from her boy, blew him a kiss, and turned to Dorothy. “Ding dong.”

Dorothy grumbled. “The Witch is dead. Which old Witch? The goddam Wicked Witch.”

They stepped forward and began to circle the ring, feeling each other out, looking for a weakness they could each exploit. Dorothy jabbed with her left. The Wicked Witch swayed. The jab missed. The Wicked Witch moved this way and that, looking for an opening, a small gap through which she could -

KERRRRUNCH!!

Dorothy and the Wicked Witch looked up. The Great and Powerful Ozzie Was Born with the Head of a Bat in His Mouth waved his hands. “Get out of the fucking way. Go on, scoot.”

Dorothy ran to the ropes and dived between them onto the floor. The Wicked Witch wasn’t so fast. The basket carrying t
he Great and Powerful Ozzie landed right on top of her, squishing her into the mat, killing her instantly.

T
he Great and Powerful Ozzie jumped out of the basket. “Awww fuck, Wendy. I didn’t mean to.” He began to cry.

Dorothy leaned forward. “Excuse me, Mr
Great and Powerful Ozzie Was Born. Can you please help me find my way home?”

The Great and Powerful Ozzie turned to Dorothy. “You don’t know how to get home? You mean, you
really
don’t know?”

“No,” Dorothy replied. “I really don’t.”

The Great and Powerful Ozzie wiped the tears from his eyes and smiled. “Why my dear, you’ve had the power all along. All you need to do is punch your gloves together three times and say, ‘There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.’”

Dorothy turned to Mickey. “Really?”

Mickey smiled. “Really.”

Dorothy grabbed him and pushed him up against the ropes. “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me sooner, you fuckin asshole? Why the fuck did you make me chase chickens around pens and little green witches that aren’t a few of my favorite things?”

She smashed her glove into Mickey’s face, knocking him out. She let him go and he fell to the floor. She turned to the Great and Powerful Ozzie Was Born with the Head of a Bat in His Mouth who backed up against the ropes behind him. “Please don’t hurt me, Dorothy.”

Dorothy stepped forward. T
he Great and Powerful Ozzie Was Born with the Head of a Bat in His Mouth fell back between the ropes and onto the floor. He jumped to his feet and ran for the hills which for some strange reason weren’t alive with the sound of music but of murder and sex.

“DOR-A-THEE!! DOR-A-THEE!! DOR-A-THEE!!”

Dorothy turned to the crowd as they chanted her name. She climbed upon the second turnbuckle and raised her fists in the air. The crowd roared. Indeed, they brought down the house. Right on top of Dorothy. Fucking TRIPLE bang!!!

And
that
, my friends, is the end of the story but with one thing to say ...

Payback is
indeed a bitch, so sayeth me, the man who wrote The Wicked Witch.

Yeah babeee.

THE END

-------------

D
orothy opened her eyes and looked around the room. She saw her Auntie Em and Uncle Henry, and their three helpers, Hunk, Hickory, and Zeke. She looked at her Auntie Em. “Oh, Auntie Em,” she said, “I visited the most wonderful place. It was on the other side of the rainbow and it was a magical land called Oz.” She looked at each of them in turn and said, “And you were there, and you, and you.” Then she saw two men standing at the back of the room. They were dressed in strange costumes the likes of which she had never seen. “But I don’t know
who
the hell
you
are,” she said.

The first man smiled. “My name, little girl, is Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man, and this, is my partner in crime-fighting, Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls.”

Dorothy looked out the window and saw a black car parked out front of the house. It was the world-famous Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Mobile. She looked back at the Duo With Sticks of Dynamite In Their Pants. “What do you want?”

Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man replied, “It’s not what we want. It’s what
you
need.”

Dorothy shrugged.

Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man continued speaking. “It’s the Wicked Witch of the West. She’s here, in Kansas. And she’s coming to get you. Our job, is to protect you.”

Dorothy sat up in her bed. “The Wicked Witch is here? That simply cannot be.” She turned to her Auntie Em. “Oh Auntie Em. Please say it isn’t so.” 

Auntie Em turned to Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man and jabbed a finger in his chest. “Now, you listen here mister. What’s this about a wicked witch? Are you trying to scare my Dorothy? Huh? Well?”

Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man grabbed Auntie Em’s hand. “This is no joke, Mrs Gale. There really is a witch and she really is, wicked.”

Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls went to the window and looked outside to the prairie that stretched out behind the Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Mobile. “Holy tornado, Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man. It’s a tornado. And it’s picked up a little house. The little house over there. The one over there on the prairie.” 

All of a sudden, Michael’s Landin’ Strip Was Covered In Skid Marks Because He Shit Himself When A Tornado Picked Up His House went flying through the air. He waved at Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls who waved back. Then a cow went flying past.
It waved too. Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls turned to Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man. “We’ve got cows. We’ve got ... cows.”

“Quickly, Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls,” Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man said. He went to Dorothy’s bed and picked her up. She screamed and Auntie Em turned to Hunk,
Hickory, and Zeke.

“Well, don’t just stand there looking silly,” Auntie Em said. “Save the poor girl.”

Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man turned to them. “That tornado you can hear outside? The one Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls was just talking about?”

Hunk, Hickory, and Zeke looked at each other then at Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man. “What about it?”

“It’s not a tornado. It’s the Wicked Witch of the West. And she’s here.  Now, let’s go.” Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man ran outside to the Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Mobile and jumped in. He sat Dorothy in the passenger’s seat then tooted his horn and called out. “Come on, Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls. Let’s go.”

The young man walking by with a guitar slung over his shoulder turned to Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man. “What did you just say?”

“Come on, Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls. Let’s go,” Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man replied. “Why? What about it?”

The young man smiled. “Come on. Let’s go. Far out.” He wandered off and was soon followed by two other young men, Bloody Hell and The Great Big Gonna Bop You One If You Don’t Shut The Hell Up. They boarded a small plane that took off into the starry starry night that turned out to not be stars after all but snow flakes and soon the plane crashed and three superstars died. May they Rest In Whichever Piece of the Airplane They Died In.

KAPOW!!

Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man turned back to the house. He saw Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls fighting with Dorothy’s Uncle Henry.

CRUNCH!!

“Oh for crying out loud,” he said. He climbed out of the Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Mobile and went inside the house. He pushed Uncle Henry in the back and said, “You wanna fight a young kid? Why don’t you fight me instead?”

Uncle Henry turned to Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man and threw a punch. It missed, so he picked up and threw Auntie Em instead. She landed on top of Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man and they crashed to the floor. The referee dropped to the mat and started the count. “One!!” He checked Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man’s shoulders were still pinned to the mat. “Two!!” Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man pushed Auntie Em off his chest and jumped to his feet. He tagged in Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls who ran at Auntie Em and clothes-lined her. She did a back double summersault and crashed to the mat. She reached out to Uncle Henry in the hope of tagging him but he was too far away.   

Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls grabbed Auntie Em and pulled her to her feet. He swung his forearm and it connected with her jaw and again she fell to the mat. Hunk, Hickory, and Zeke urged her to get to the corner and tag in Uncle Henry, but she couldn’t because she was hurt. Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls looked at Hunk,
Hickory, and Zeke and smiled. The more he smiled the more annoyed Hunk, Hickory, and Zeke became and the more annoyed they became the more Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls smiled. Auntie Em in the meantime was getting back her breath and she looked at the crowd that was cheering her on. She started swinging her arm around like a windmill and the crowd cheered even more. She swung it around and around and then right between Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls’ legs. Turns out that Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls should also have been watching out for Auntie Em’s arm.

Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls fell to the floor holding his crotch. “My balls,” he cried out. “My balls.”

Auntie Em tagged in Uncle Henry and he went straight to the far corner and elbowed an unsuspecting Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man in the head while he was giving his bat and two balls to Wonder What Happened To My Golden Lass Oh There It Is Around That Other Woman’s Waist. Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man fell to the floor holding his head and Uncle Henry turned back to Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls and kicked him hard in the stomach.  

Uncle Henry dropped on top of Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls and the referee began to count three. He counted one and that’s when Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man reached out and pulled Uncle Henry off the other half of the Duo With Sticks of Dynamite In Their Pants. Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls rolled out of the ring and the Duo With Sticks of Dynamite In Their Pants left the building with the jeers of the crowd ringing in their ears. They looked at each other and shook hands and smiled. Na na na na naaaaaaaa.

The tornado that everyone seemed to have forgotten about that wasn’t really a tornado but the Wicked Witch of the West saw Dorothy sitting in the passenger’s seat of the Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Mobile. She dropped the little house back on the prairie quicker than the television network that ran it for a decade did when its ratings got too low then headed for the Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Mobile. Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man stepped in between her and the Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Mobile. The Wicked Witch of the West stopped in front of him. He looked down at her with a confused look on his face. “Why, your nothing but four feet tall.” He turned to Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls and smiled. “Look, Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls. She ain’t nothing but four feet tall.”

The Wicked Witch harrumphed and smacked her forehead. She shook her head then swung her broom as hard as she could between Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man’s legs. Looks like Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man might have to take his bat and two balls and head for the hospital.  

The Wicked Witch grabbed Dorothy from the Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Mobile and took off across the prairie. They disappeared into the distance, closely followed by the Wicked Witch’s husband, Der Would You Please Be Nice To My Mother Before She Turns You Into A Toad Stevens. Heaven help him or his mother-in-law if his wife ever found out he had been so nice to her that she had fallen for him and he had since given it to her a number of times via the Back Door Ah. Of course, Back Door Ah would never want her daughter to know the truth, so kept up the ruse that she hated her son-in-law when the truth was she was so madly and deeply in love with him she wanted to run away with him.

Anyway, stay tuned because the next chapter is as full of crazy-ass shit as this one. And anything funny can only be funny when it’s full of crazy-ass shit. See y’all in Chapter Two.

CHAPTER TWO

C
ommissioner Gor Done Like A Dinner slammed down the phone. “Damn that Riddle Me This Is Gonna Hurt You A Whole Damn Heap.”

Chief O Have You Seen My Harem I’m Horny came running into the room. “What is it, Commissioner?”

The Commissioner replied, “It’s the Riddle Me This Is Gonna Hurt You A Whole Damn Heap. I just found out he’s been sleeping with my wife and damn, it hurts a whole heap.” He sat down behind his desk and rested his head on his clasped hands. The first tear came and soon many others followed.

Chief O Have You Seen My Harem I’m Horny rested his hand on the Commissioner’s shoulder and soon he was feeling horny. The Commissioner sensed the Chief’s Pen Is In His Pants was beginning to grow hard and pushed the Chief out of the way and ran out the door, screaming for someone to save him from the Chief’s advances to Go and collect two hundred dollars per hour. The Chief shrugged his shoulders and sat down on the chair behind the desk. He unzipped his pants and soon his Pen Is In His Pants was no longer in them. Several minutes of tug tug tugging on it passed and then he squirted a Pen full of ink all over the Commissioner’s desk. Yeah baby.

The door swung open and Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man and Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls walked in. When they saw Chief O Have You Seen My Harem I’m Horny holding his Pen in his hands they stopped and looked at each other. The Duo With Sticks of Dynamite In Their Pants turned and left the room. All of a sudden Chief O Have You Seen My Harem I’m Horny wasn’t feeling so horny.  

Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man and Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls left the building and climbed into the limousine parked out front. 

“That was some show tonight guys,” Colonel Tom Park Ya Butt Over Here And Let’s Do Business said.

The Duo With Sticks of Dynamite In Their Pants removed their trademark dark glasses and reached for a bottle of water. Their hands touched and they looked at each other with love in their eyes.

The Colonel smacked Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls across the back of the head and Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls rubbed it smartly.

“Don’t you boys know we got an image to protect?” the Colonel said.

Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man looked out the window and smiled. Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls just kept on rubbing.

CHAPTER THREE

M
eanwhile, the Wicked Witch of the West arrived at the home she shared with Der Would You Please Be Nice To My Mother Before She Turns You Into A Toad and opened the door. Glad Its Crabs And Nothing Else watched from the house across the road as the Wicked Witch dragged Dorothy inside. Der Would You Please Be Nice To My Mother Before She Turns You Into A Toad looked over his shoulder to see if anyone was watching. Glad Its Crabs And Nothing Else quickly closed the drapes and Der Would You Please Be Nice To My Mother Before She Turns You Into A Toad went inside and closed the door.

Glad Its Crabs And Nothing Else turned to her husband, I’ll Bet You Caught Them Crabs Off The Postman, and said, “Come quickly. It’s the Wicked Witch. She and her husband have brought home a young girl. I’ll bet my bottom dollar they’re gonna get up to something kinky.”

I’ll Bet You Caught Them Crabs Off The Postman puffed his pipe and turned to the comics page. He laughed out loud as Charlie Would You Please Kick That Fucking Brown Ball Once And For All good-griefed all over the page at the sight of Dag Who Should Have Been Giving His Six Inch Piece Of Wood To His Wife But Was Instead Giving It To His Neighbour’s Bum giving it to his neighbour’s bum.

Glad Its Crabs And Nothing Else pursed her lips. “Not listen to me, will you?” She went to the den and grabbed her husband’s shotgun. She came back to the lounge and aimed it at him. She pulled the trigger and blew I’ll Bet You Caught Them Crabs Off The Postman all over the room.  She returned the shotgun to the den and went back to the cup of tea she had been drinking earlier.