The Witch's Brew: A Collection of Hilarious Short Stories Starring the Wicked Witch of the West (6 page)

CHAPTER SIX

B
at And Two Balls Between My Legs Man and Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls followed the lead the Commissioner had given them and it led them to the Stevens’ home. They climbed out of the Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Mobile and went to the door.

Glad Its Crabs And Nothing Else opened her lounge window and poked the barrel of the shotgun through it. She pulled the trigger and the bullet struck Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls in the butt. It wasn’t the first time he’d had a bullet in the butt and he rather enjoyed it, if the truth be known.

Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man turned to him. “All those times you slid down the Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Pole, and all it took was a bullet in the butt. Thanks for that.”

Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls replied, “I can’t help it if the Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Pole just doesn’t do it for me. Is it my fault if a bullet does? Huh?”

The door opened in front of them. Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man said to Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls, “We’ll discuss this later.”

They entered the house and looked around the lounge. It was dark but for the light of several candles in the far corner. The light was enough for the Duo With Sticks of Dynamite In Their Pants to see Dorothy still locked in her cage, but it wasn’t enough for them to see the Wicked Witch hiding in the other corner. The Wicked Witch jumped out at them. “Ah-HAHHHH!!”

Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man emptied the contents of the Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Cave into his pants and the smell was terrible.

The Wicked Witch held her nose. “Awww me God, Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man. Really?” 

Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls did his best to ignore the smell but it was so bad it was just too hard to ignore for very long at all. He dry-reached then turned and ran out of the house where there might be bullets in the butt that might also be bullets in other parts of the body, but at least the air was fresh. What he wasn’t anticipating though was the flying egg that moments later crashed into him, killing him instantly. The director called out, “Cut. Holy fucking crap. Can we please cut?”

The egg cracked open and a man in a red jumpsuit with a silver triangle on his chest climbed out.

The director called out. “Who in God’s name are
you
meant to be?”

The man in the red jumpsuit with a silver triangle on his chest smiled. “Morkus, from Orkus.”

The director smacked the palm of his hand against his forehead. “Holy shit, mister. Do you realize you just killed one of my stars?”

Morkus from Orkus looked down at Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls and wondered why he didn’t watch out. The police came and took Morkus away and he is now serving a life sentence for dangerous driving occasioning death.

Meanwhile, inside the Stevens’ house, the Wicked Witch had clamped a Peggy Bundy’s Pair of Undies on her nose so she wouldn’t be able to smell Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man who not only had a bat and two balls between his legs but now had the entire team in his pants.

Dorothy watched all this and decided that she really wanted to go home. Glinda the Good Witch of the North entered the house by way of the lounge window which wasn’t so good because she broke it to get in even though the front door was wide open. Silly woman. She went over to Dorothy and said, “Child, you’ve always had the power to go home.”

Dorothy gave her a startled look. “Really?” She looked around the cage. “Where is it?”

Glinda smiled. “It’s within you, child. All you need to do is say three times, ‘There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.’”

“There’s no place like home,” Dorothy said. “There’s no place like home.” She closed her eyes and when she opened them she found herself in the middle of Old Trafford. “Hmmm,” she said as the ball passed her by on its way to the goal. “This isn’t like home at all.”

The referee blew his whistle for fulltime and Dorothy closed her eyes again. When she opened them she found herself in medieval
England.

Sir Lance A Boil stopped riding his horse and looked down at her from high in the air. “You’re still not home, m’lady. But I can help you get there. Just climb upon my wild steed, and together we’ll ride.”

Dorothy turned to the Tin Man, the Scarecrow, and the Cowardly Lion. “My goodness I’ll miss you all. Take care, my friends.” She hugged them one by one and was about to climb on board Sir Lance A Boil’s steed when Black Beauty went running by. Sir Lance A Boil’s steed took off after her and when he caught her he mounted her from behind and began giving it to her. The Scarecrow looked at Dorothy. “I guess you’ll have to stay here.”

The Cowardly Lion smiled. “Yes, we’ll look after you.”

The Tin Man slipped his hand up the back of Dorothy’s dress. “Yes,
we’ll
look after you.”

Dorothy thought about it for a moment. She had seen it all and now her time had come. She looked down at the Tin Man’s penis. Judging by the trail of semen dripping off the end of it, her time wasn’t the
only
thing that had come. She closed her eyes again and when she opened them she saw her Aunty Em sitting in front of her. She reached up and threw her arms over her auntie’s shoulders. “Oh Auntie Em. There’s no place like home.”

All of a sudden a group of zombies entered the house. They attacked Dorothy and her Auntie Em and feasted on their flesh. Uncle Henry survived for no other reason than he pretended to be a zombie too. Then the zombies left in search of more flesh to eat and Uncle Henry sat in front of the TV, opened a beer, and watched a game of football. And that, my friends, is what it’s all about.

THE END

-------------

T
he Wicked Witch aimed her broom at the rainbow and took off. She approached it with plenty of room to spare and was about to go over it when Apollo 13 came hurtling through space and crashed into her, knocking her off her broom which snapped in half and causing grave danger to the rocket. The astronauts on board the craft radioed Mission Control. “Houston, we have a problem.” As the Wicked Witch fell back toward Earth, she thought,
Fuck
,
they think
they’ve
got a problem
.

Meanwhile, a brown cow was on the ground below stretching its muscles in readiness for its latest attempt to jump the moon. It heard something whizzing through the air and looked up. There was the Wicked Witch, freefalling toward her. “Oh crap,” the cow said.

The Wicked Witch looked down at the cow. “Oh dear God,” she said. “It’s Bovine Derek. AAAAGGHH!!”

The cow tried to run but it wasn’t fast enough. The Wicked Witch landed right on top of her.

SPLAT!!

The cow was flattened like a pancake and the little dog laughed to see such fun. Meanwhile, the cat diddled the fiddle and the dish ran away with the spoon. The Wicked Witch oohed and ahhhed with pain then climbed slowly to her feet. She looked down at the cow which was dead. Now, when someone asks that long unanswered question, how now brown cow, well, now you know.

The Wicked Witch looked around for a way to get back over the rainbow. To her left was a pogo stick. Over there to her right was a trampoline. She looked at the cow that was dead and shook her head.

BANG!!

The Wicked Witch ducked and turned to see where the noise had come from. About a hundred yards away, a black sheep stood over the body of a little boy and it was holding a gun. The Wicked Witch went softly toward it, watching as it began burying the little boy’s body. She saw that the sheep was dressed in the leathers of the infamous Bandido bikie gang. She went to it and tapped it on the shoulder.

“Excuse me, Mister Baa Baa Bandido Bikie,” the Wicked Witch said. “Have you any drugs?”

The sheep spun around. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a bag full of marijuana. “I did have three. One for the master, one for the dame, and one for the little boy who lived down the lane.” The sheep looked down at the little boy’s body. “They all paid the correct price except this one.”

“Can I have it, please?” the Wicked Witch asked.

The sheep looked up at her. “Hundred dollars.”

The Wicked Witch reached into her pocket and pulled out a hundred dollar note. She handed it to the sheep and the sheep handed her the bag of marijuana. She pulled some out and rolled herself a joint. She lit it and puffed away. All of a sudden she was floating in the air and heading for the rainbow once more. She looked down at the Baa Baa Bandido Bikie that was once again burying the little boy’s body and smiled. The joint had done its job, she was getting high, and soon she would be back where she belonged - over the rainbow.

She reached the clouds in the sky and heard a rumbling from within. “Thunder?” she wondered. No. It was a 747 Jumbo Jet and it was headed straight for her. “Ahhh, shit,” she said.

Just then
Sooperdooperpooperman came out of nowhere and snatched her from the path of the oncoming jet. He smiled. “I understand you wanna go back over the rainbow?”

The Wicked Witch smiled back. She wrapped her arms tight around his shoulders. “Oh yes please. Will you take me there?”

Sooperdooperpooperman nodded his head. “Of course. Let’s go.”

They aimed up, and headed for the rainbow.
Sooperdooperpooperman flashed his pearly whites and the Wicked Witch wondered if that was seven inches of kryptonite in his pants or was he just happy to see her. HIYOOOO.

CHAPTER TWO

T
he rainbow fast approached and the Wicked Witch could hardly contain her excitement. Sooperdooperpooperman looked at her and smiled. He extended his arm so the Wicked Witch might fully experience the feeling of flight. Instead, she just about shit herself and whacked him across the back of the head. “You ever do that again, you dumb fuck,” she said, “and I’ll kill ya.” She looked around the room at the other soldiers. “Any of you, homos, touch me, and I’ll kill ya.”

Sergeant Hunk O’ Hunk O’ Burning Wood stood up from the chair he was sitting on. “Take it easy, Wendy.” He looked around the room then back at the Wicked Witch. “One of these men might save your life one of these days.”

John Kentucky Fried Chicken Wingers looked at his best friend Russell’s Got Zits On His Face then back at the Wicked Witch. “Then again, maybe one of us won’t.” John looked over at Sooperdooperpooperman. “What about you, Muscles? Will
you
save her?”

Sooperdooperpooperman
looked at the Wicked Witch. There were tears in his eyes. “You hitted me over da head, Wendy. I was taking you up to da rainbow and you hitted me over da head. Why da fuck would you do dat?”

The Wicked Witch shook her head. “For fuck’s sake,
Sooperdooperpooperman. Would you give it a rest already?”

Sooperdooperpooperman
sat with his head in his hands and began to cry. John Kentucky Fried Chicken Wingers rested his hand on the big guy’s shoulder. “Come on, Muscles. It’s okay.”

Sergeant Hunk O’ Hunk O’ Burning Wood stood in front of John Kentucky Fried Chicken Wingers and
Sooperdooperpooperman. “You think you’re smart, don’t you, Wingers?”

John Kentucky Fried Chicken Wingers stood up. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Sir.”

Sergeant Hunk O’ Hunk O’ Burning Wood tapped his clipboard with his pen. “Where it says, what are you made of, you wrote, white meat and eleven herbs and spices. Now what the fuck does
that
mean?”

John Kentucky Fried Chicken Wingers smiled and shrugged.

Sergeant Hunk O’ Hunk O’ Burning Wood frowned then turned and walked away. He stopped at the door and turned back to the men and one very wicked witch. “Just so you know who’s boss of this here platoon, we’re gonna fall out at oh six hundred hours, have a locker box inspection, then go for a five mile run. Got it?”

Russell’s Got Zits On His Face looked at John Kentucky Fried Chicken Wingers. “When’s the
good
part, you dumb fuck?”

Sergeant Hunk O’ Hunk O’ Burning Wood went back to Russell’s Got Zits On His Face and John Kentucky Fried Chicken Wingers. He looked at
John Kentucky Fried Chicken Wingers. “Make it
ten
miles. What do you think about
that
, Wingers?”

John Kentucky Fried Chicken Wingers looked him in the eye. “I think it sucks.” He turned to Colonel Sanders. “What do
you
think, Colonel?”

The Colonel shook his head. “Leave me out of this, John. I might have made you, but sooner or later you have to stand on your own two feet.”

Sergeant Hunk O’ Hunk O’ Burning Wood leaned forward. “You heard the Colonel. So, how about getting the fuck off mine? Huh?”

John Kentucky Fried Chicken Wingers looked down. Shit. He was standing on the Sergeant’s feet. He smiled and stepped back. Sergeant Hunk O’ Hunk O’ Burning Wood frowned and looked around the room. He turned and walked away. Several soldiers walked past John Kentucky Fried Chicken Wingers, bumping into him, knocking him about.

Russell’s Got Zits On His Face looked at his friend. “You really are a dumb fuck.” He climbed on his bunk and went to sleep.

The Wicked Witch had been watching John Kentucky Fried Chicken Wingers closely through all this and she was impressed. She went to him. “I’ve been watching you closely through all this,” she said, “and I’m impressed. I was wondering if we could, you know, start off again, maybe this time on a better footing.” She reached out her hand.

John Kentucky Fried Chicken Wingers looked at it for a moment then thought, why not? He reached out and grabbed it.

ZAAAAAPAPAPAP!!

The Wicked Witch cackled and hissed and laughed as she pointed to the buzzer on her hand. “Oh man, that was so fucking funny.”

John Kentucky Fried Chicken Wingers climbed off the floor he had fallen onto, gasping for breath and holding his chest.

The rest of the platoon approached the Wicked Witch. She shifted her body into the classic karate stance to ward them off. “Come on, you dumb fucks. I’ll have you all. Let’s go. HIIII-YAH!!” The karate chop flew through the air and landed on Al Bun Day Old Day Old Bread Uncle Henry Buys The Day Old Bread’s barbecue plate. He cooked it up and served it to his hungry, hungry family that gobbled it up in no time at all. The set of Married ... with Children That Should Be Given Up For Adoption erupted to see such fun and I wish I could say that the Bun Day Old Day Old Bread Uncle Henry Buys The Day Old Breads lived happily ever after, but I can’t, because they didn’t. The show was cancelled after the eleventh season and while the guy who played Al Bun Day Old Day Old Bread Uncle Henry Buys The Day Old Bread went on to star in a great new show, the rest of them faded into relative obscurity, scoring the occasional guest role on television, except for the guy who played Bud Bun Day Old Day Old Bread Uncle Henry Buys The Day Old Bread who, like the character he played, scored very little at all.

The Wicked Witch turned and ran, and the platoon gave chase. She ran all the way to the shooting range and dived headfirst into a cannon.

“Let’s see you fire that thing, soldier,” the commanding officer said.

“Uh, what co-ordinates?” the soldier asked.

The commanding officer was stunned. “What, co-ordinates?”

“Uh, yes Sir,” the soldier said. “They determine where the mortar will land.”

The commanding officer sneered. “The army has obviously spent a lot of time and money teaching you how to use that thing. Now, fire it.”

The soldier shrugged and fired the cannon. The Wicked Witch went flying out the end of it and rocketed across the sky. “YEE-HAHHH!!”

On the other side of the rainbow, a group of zombie munchkins were advancing on the Wizard of Oz. The Wizard ran to the wooden tower at the end of the field. He grabbed the rope that was hanging down and climbed it to the top of the tower. He looked down at the zombie munchkins that had gathered around the tower’s base. “Any of you suckholes wanna come up here and knock me off?”

There came a whizzing noise from over the rainbow. The zombie munchkins looked at each other, wondering what it was. From his great height, the Wizard saw it first. “Oh shit. INCOMING!!”

The zombie munchkins ran for their lives but the poor old Wizard had nowhere to go. The Wicked Witch crashed into the tower and split it in two. The Wizard fell and crashed to the ground. The zombie munchkins ran over to him. “Brains,” they said. “BRAINS!!”

The Wizard looked up at them. “Why, don’t you know I gave the last of them to that guy over there?”

The zombie munchkins turned to the Scarecrow who was eating a Big Mac and fries. For someone with so many smarts, he wasn’t very smart.

The zombie munchkins approached him and he dropped his fries and ran for the Hills are Alive with the Sound of Murder starring Sister Maree-Ahhh which is available on my Amazon page for less than a dollar. The zombie munchkins ran after him. “All we wanna do is welcome you to Munchkinland. Oh, and eat your yummy brains.” The Scarecrow kept right on running and soon he and the zombie munchkins had disappeared over the hills and were gone, far, far away.

The Wicked Witch stood up and dusted herself off. She looked over at the Wizard. “Hello, Wally.”

Wally stood up and brushed the dirt off his coat. Smiling, he replied, “Wendy, it’s so good to see you.” He turned to the bushes. “Its okay, everybody. You can come out.”

One by one, a small group of little orange people emerged and they gathered around the Wizard.

The Wicked Witch looked at them one by one then looked up at the Wizard. “Wanna give me a heads up there, Wally?”

The Wizard smiled. “They’re Bumpa-Lumpas. They help me run my chocolate factory. Of course, they have a tendency to bump into things, but with the cost of labor these days being what it is, I had to take what I could get.” He handed the Wicked Witch an everlasting gobstopper. “Try it. It lasts forever. You can suck it all day and it will never get smaller. At least, I don’t think it will.” He shrugged. “I’m not sure. Anyway, a few more tests ought to iron out any creases.”

“Ahem.”

The Wicked Witch and the Wizard turned to where the voice had come from. Standing before them was a man in a black suit and he was carrying a briefcase.

“Who are
you
meant to be?” the Wicked Witch asked.

“My name is Clarence C. Pennyweather,” the man replied. “I represent the Lollypop Guild. And you, dear Wizard, are in breach of Section 14D, paragraph 3, illuminatie, etc etc, bring an end to world hunger, etc etc, you cost yourself a Charlie Bucket full of cash because if you can suck it all day and it will never get smaller why would anyone ever want or need another one, etc etc.” He raised his finger and pointed it at the Wizard. “
You
Sir,
stole
, fizzy lifting drink. Poor old Charlie shit his pants and then it hit the fan. What a mess. We had to clean and sterilize the whole damn thing.”