The World of Karl Pilkington (10 page)

Ricky:
What, they pay you to walk a dog?

Karl:
They pay you to walk a dog and that, and I thought if I do that and get a paper round – two in one.

Ricky:
Sorry, you just went from a job where you were the Head of Production at a radio station to …

Karl:
Well, it was an alright wage but I wasn’t happy, so it’s pointless innit?

Ricky:
I know that, but to go from the head of a department on a lot of money to walking dogs and doing a paper round …

Karl:
I know but it’s about being happy innit?

Ricky:
I know, that’s commendable if that’s true …

Steve:
… And that makes you happier?

Karl:
Well I haven’t walked the dog yet but I’m just saying, if I do … I mean I’m not taking it if it’s raining. I’m just thinking if it’s a nice sunny day and I fancy a potter, I’ll go round to her and say, ‘Well how much are you paying, I’ll take the dog for a walk.’

Steve:
Sure.

Ricky:
But I can’t believe some of the words that have cropped up. It’s 2006 now: ‘potter’, ‘cobblers’, ‘toffee shop’. It’s very very strange.

Steve:
Do you live in Narnia?

Karl:
But we don’t need to know the Latin bit. Why is everyone always going back to Latin? It was ages ago.

Karl:
Were Latin people always in a rush, because there seemed to be, like, words for full sentences. Why couldn’t they just take their time and say what they wanted to say? It’s just like, ‘What was the rush?’

Ricky:
I’d love you to teach Latin.

Karl:
What about Plato?

Ricky:
Right, he’s Greek.

Karl:
Would you say he’s a bright bloke?

Ricky:
Yes I would. I would say he’s a very very bright bloke.

Karl:
Right, let me tell you this, right. If he’s that bright, d’you know how he got killed?

Ricky:
No.

Karl:
Got hit on the head by an egg.

Ricky:
He’s not so clever then is he? Boooo …

Steve:
What’s the story with the egg? 

Karl:
He was on holiday or something, right, and …

Steve:
He was on holiday?

Ricky:
In Greece probably.

Karl:
He was having a walk about and a bird was flying over his head.

Ricky:
This bird was what – a great auk? What size bird killed him with an egg?

Karl:
It was a big one, yeah.

Ricky:
Was it? Was it an ostrich on a hang-glider?

Karl:
The way birds used to crack the eggs open to let the kids out, they used to drop ’em on rocks.

Ricky:
What bird is this, dropping its egg to let the kids out? You are a maniac.

Karl:
And Plato had a little bald head. So from the top, the bird’s there looking down, and it goes, ‘Oh there’s a little rock, I’ll drop the egg.’ It hit him on the head – killed him.

Ricky:
I’m letting too much go now because I am so desensitised to this nonsense. The bird saw Plato and said, ‘There’s a rock down there’?

Karl:
Yeah.

Steve:
Well if these birds are killing people with bald heads, you’ve got to be terrified.

Karl:
But listen, this is what I am saying before about knowledge and that – how knowledge is hassle – or success is hassle.

Ricky:
Now I think that was Newton – ‘Knowledge is hassle.’

Steve:
But why has Plato’s intelligence got anything to do with the fact that this bird dropped its egg?

Karl:
Because he was intelligent and he is probably earning a nice few quid by giving out whatever messages he gave out, he could afford to go on holiday to exotic places. If he was working in a factory, he wouldn’t have been on this beach with big birds dropping eggs, so in a way it backfired. His knowledge killed him.

Ricky:
And I think that was Kierkegaard – ‘His knowledge killed him.’

Steve:
Where have you got this stuff about him being on holiday?

Karl:
Well he was. He shouldn’t have been on the beach. He was only there having a break from doing what he does. It wouldn’t have happened if he wasn’t on holiday.

Karl:
So you had him, right. There was Fred the Veg …

Ricky:
I assume it’s because he had the same IQ as you.

Steve:
Or he was in a coma.

Karl:
There was me uncle, Tattoo Stan – he had loads of tattoos that he’d just done himself.

Ricky:
Oh my God.

Karl:
The problem was, because he did his tattoos himself, the ones on his left arm were really good because he was right handed. But on his right arm – rubbish. So there was him and there was Jimmy the Hat.

Steve:
Jimmy the Hat. Did he always wear a hat?

Karl:
No, he didn’t. That was the point – he never wore a hat.

Ricky:
That’s amazing. How can you pick up on someone never wearing a hat? How would you ever notice? ‘I’ll tell you what, I’ve noticed something about Jimmy.’ ‘What?’ ‘He doesn’t wear a hat.’ Why was he not called ‘Jimmy the Parrot’ because he never carries a parrot?

Karl:
That’s just the way they work innit.

Ricky:
‘Here comes Jimmy Three Legs. Why do you call him that?’ – ‘He hasn’t got three legs.’

Karl:
I didn’t really have a nickname – apart from when you go on CB radio and you have a chat to people.

Ricky:
Oh, this was a craze in the late 70s, early 80s and it was just short-band radio, wasn’t it? Everyone had these little CB hand-sets and they would speak to each other in their local area.

Karl:
Yes, I think it started off with truckers. So I had one of them and me handle …

Ricky:
‘Handle’ was your nickname?

Karl:
Yes there’s loads of code stuff. I had a couple of ‘handles’. There was ‘Pilkie 01’ because there’s a lot of Pilkingtons in Manchester so I just thought, ‘Give it a number.’ And then because I did boxing and that …

Ricky:
Well you did it once.

Karl:
… I had ‘Boxer Boy’ because that’s quite a good image as well. People will be going, ‘Oh don’t mess with him.’

Ricky:
What is the point of this?

Karl:
Well you just meet people don’t you?

Ricky:
But you don’t meet people do you? You just say, ‘What’s your handle?’ ‘Boxer Boy, what’s yours?’ ‘Rubber duck.’ ‘Alright, cheers.’

Karl:
Oh, but then you’ll say like, ‘What’s your twenty?’

Ricky:
What does that mean?

Karl:
Where are you?

Ricky:
Why don’t you say, ‘Where are you?’

Karl:
Well just in case there is someone who is listening in. You hear about this all the time, people listening in and jotting stuff down.