The World of Karl Pilkington (6 page)

Rick:
Who are you injecting?

Karl: This old woman who’s been ill and that and she’s died.

Steve:
So she’s dead? We’re bringing old people back to life? Okay, fine, we’ve just got to sort that out first, but fine, we’ll crack that, so go on – next.

Karl:
This is a way of controlling population remember. They can’t be having it away and having kids. This is just the way we’ve got to work now.

Ricky:
Okay, so there is an old lady. What happens?

Karl:
Right. So you get, like, an old woman …

Steve:
… Who is dead …

Karl:
Right, inject her and that …

Steve:
Inject her!

Karl:
… And then what happens is – she sort of wakes up, right, and she works the other way. So she might be seventy-seven and then she’ll have a birthday and she’s seventy-six and she’s working that way, if you know what I mean. Okay, are you with me …?

Ricky:
I’m really scared. This is the maddest thing you’ve ever said. This is madder than the old lady with the pip like an apple in her belly.

Karl:
That sort of did work. 

Ricky:
No it didn’t work. It worked in your head. It’s like you had a dream and you woke up and went, ‘Oh I’ve got a great theory.’

Karl:
Let me just tell you the ending because the ending works out a bit better. What I’m saying is when you die at the age of …

Ricky:
Seventy-eight.

Karl:
Nine months.

Ricky:
What?

Karl:
At the age of nine months. ’Cos that’s when you die.

Ricky:
What do you mean when you die at the age of nine months?

Karl:
You’re not scared of dying because you’re now a baby so you don’t know what’s going on anyway.

Steve:
Rick, I think when she’s in her twenties, she’s in her old age.

Karl:
Yeah but it doesn’t matter because that’s the fun part of your life, innit, when you’re twenty and you’ve got all your energy and that – so before you die you’re actually having a good life rather than it being the other way round.

Ricky:
But does she do different stuff than she did on the way up? Because she has already lived seventy-eight years don’t forget. She was already a baby once and grew up and then someone stuck a needle in her head and said, ‘Right, back you go.’

Karl:
No … well forget all that bit.

Ricky:
So she died and she doesn’t remember her first life. This is a new life is it?

Karl:
Let me just leave you with this …

Ricky:
You’re talking shit – explain yourself.

Karl:
What I’m saying is – old people are scared of dying. When they’re seventy-seven they’re going, ‘Oh, what’s going to happen to me?’ Little injection in the head; it goes backwards; when it’s a baby everybody is around it going, ‘Yeah, it’s gonna die soon.’ But the baby hasn’t got a clue, it’s happy. It’s playing about with its rattle or whatever, it’s not scared.

Ricky:
So it loses all its memories?

Karl:
That’s it. 

Ricky:
And then what happens – when does it die? When it gets to nought? When it’s nought days old?

Karl:
Yeah, it just dies. People know, it’s almost like a countdown. So the family’s aware of it.

Steve:
But aren’t the family getting younger as well? What’s happened to the family?

Karl:
Forget it then. We’ll leave it as it is.

Ricky:
Leave it as it is, shall we?

Steve:
Can we all agree on that now, guys? Shall we leave it as it is?

Ricky:
You’re a fucking maniac.

Ricky:
You’re an idiot. What, you think an African family wakes up and there’s a little goat with a ribbon tied round it and they go, ‘Oh look what Santa brought us.’

Steve:
‘And that mince pie’s gone and that glass of milk …’

Ricky:
You’re such an idiot.

Karl:
No, no, no, but what I’m saying is, does that family want a goat?

Steve:
Yes.

Karl:
But why?

Ricky:
It’s not that they
want
a goat, they
need
a goat. Are they going to say, ‘Oh I wanted a Nintendo?’ What are you thinking?

Karl:
What I’m saying is, right, let me put myself in their shoes …

Steve:
This’ll be a first.

Karl:
… Well, they haven’t got any shoes but say I’m one of them over there, right. I’m hungry, I’m sat there, it’s Christmas Day, I open the present. Little goat there right. Now if I was one of them I’d be going, ‘Not another mouth to feed.’ At the end of the day, there isn’t enough food to go round for themselves, never mind the goat. Don’t they say having a dog is quite expensive, what with all the injections you’ve got to give it? And the tinned food and everything, it mounts up. What I’m saying is, that’s all very well giving them a goat, but who’s looking after it?

Ricky:
Well I’m assuming it’s all above board. The goat’s had its injection. That’s what some of the money goes towards. It’s given to the family so they can milk it and have milk and cheese and whatever. I don’t think it’s a burden. What do you mean, ‘they wake up Christmas Day and open a present’?

Steve:
‘There’s a goat-shaped thing in wrapping paper, I wonder what that could be. I hope it’s that goat we asked for … My God, it is!’

Karl:
The thing is, why do they want that goat? What’s the main reason? What does a goat give you?

Both:
Milk!

Karl:
Milk, right. Now wouldn’t it be easier to just send them a bottle of milk without all the hassle and headaches that come with it? That’s all I’m saying. And the other thing is, think about the goat. That was happy over here. Suddenly it’s on barren land, no grass …

Ricky:
I’m gonna burst. What do you mean?

Steve:
They didn’t send a goat from
here
.

Karl:
I’m saying who’s happy at the end of this? You’ve got a fella over here who hasn’t got a present because his mate bought him a goat. He’s not happy. Then you’ve got the person who’s opened it who wanted summit else. It’s a goat. They go, ‘Tut, who’s going to look after this?’ They’re not happy. And you’ve got the goat, going ‘What am I doing here …?’

Ricky:
So would you like spidey senses? Is that what you’re saying?

Karl:
Err …

Ricky:
Would you like some sense?

Karl:
Err …

Steve:
Come on Karl! You know the sort of powers superheroes have.

Karl:
I know but they’re never happy are they? Spiderman wanted to tell that girl that he could climb walls and that. He’s like, ‘I can’t’. Superman never told Lewis, and that.

Ricky:
Who’s Lewis?

Steve:
Lewis. That was just Superman’s pen pal.

Karl:
You know Hulk. He wasn’t happy.