The World of Karl Pilkington (4 page)

Karl:
This is one of the first Monkey News that I did and I think it’s worth hearing again, just in case you forgot about it, ’cos it’s sort of classic Monkey News. It’s about this monkey that was knocking about called Ollie. It was called Oliver, and it was in this zoo, and it was the only monkey in there, right.

Ricky:
Oh, this is the one they think was the missing link. They thought it was half human, half ape because it had a bald head and looked like you, which doesn’t mean it’s half anything.

Karl:
What happened is, it was in the zoo and stuff and it was getting a bit lonely ’cos it was sharing its time with an elephant and a giraffe and they didn’t really get on that well.

Ricky:
No, no, no, no, no. Wait. They do not put chimpanzees in with the other animals.

Karl:
But let me tell you …

Ricky:
Well it’s not true.

Steve:
Gervais, it was obviously some kind of flat share. They put an advert in the Students’ Union. ‘We’ve got two rooms to let …’

Ricky:
‘African mammal wanted.’

Karl:
What I’m saying is, there was other elephants for elephants to knock about with and that. The monkey, it was the only one there. So what happened is, the zookeeper felt a bit sorry for him. He was like, ‘Oh look, he’s looking all fed up and that.’ And like you say, I think he went a bit bald because he was bored and all that. So the zookeeper started to get pally with him and so at lunch time, when the zookeeper was sat on the wall having his ham butties or whatever, he would sort of go, ‘You alright, yeah?’ And Ollie used to come over, closer and closer, right. Anyway, within a month, he was sat on the wall having his lunch with him, right.

Ricky:
What wall?

Karl:
Just a little wall in the zoo.

Ricky:
So he let the monkey out? The monkey could just wander about? He had his own door key?

Steve:
These blinking latch-key monkeys.

Karl:
You’re picking up on little things that aren’t important. It doesn’t matter. So anyway, zookeeper’s sat there, and as time goes on he’s sort of sat with him most of the day. Monkey’s walking round with him, helping him feed the other animals and that.

Ricky:
This is rubbish.

Karl:
But then what happened is the zookeeper, at the end of the night when he’s locking up and stuff, he’d feel bad because he’d be leaving the zoo and Ollie’s sat there and he’s like, ‘I’ll see you tomorrow’ and the monkey’s like, ‘Yeah, alright, see you later.’ Ollie is looking all fed up because the zoo keeper has got a home to go to and Ollie’s still stuck in his – well, where he is basically working every day. He’s never going home, right. So anyway the zookeeper goes home, says to his wife, ‘Look Ollie’s having a bit of a time at the moment.’ She says, ‘Oh yeah, what’s going on?’ He said, ‘Well he’s looking a bit fed up. You know, he’s sick of it.’ She said, ‘Bring him home.’ He said, ‘Well I did want to ask, but I didn’t want to force it …’

Ricky:
This conversation didn’t happen.

Karl:
So anyway …

Steve:
Such detail!

Ricky:
No it didn’t happen. This is in your head.

Karl:
So anyway, she said, ‘Yeah, bring it home tonight.’ So anyway, the zookeeper is looking forward to going into work and that. He sees Ollie. He doesn’t tell him straightaway.

Ricky:
Like it’s a surprise. Oh God!

Karl:
So they go through the day, you know usual stuff, feeding the elephants and all that. It gets to the end of the day and Ollie’s there. He’s looking at the zookeeper as if to say, ‘Well there you go, another busy day over, see you tomorrow and stuff …’

Steve:
Sure. Little does he know …

Karl:
Anyway the zookeeper is like, ‘Get your coat …’

Ricky:
Coat? What do you mean, ‘Get your coat?’

Karl:
Whatever the equivalent is, whatever you say to a monkey. It was kind of like, ‘You’re coming with me.’ So Ollie’s going ‘Oh brilliant.’

Ricky:
No he’s not.

Steve:
So Ollie gets his hat and coat …

Karl:
He can’t believe his luck right. He goes back to the zookeeper’s house. Everything’s going well for about a week and a half, right.

Steve:
Has he got his own room?

Karl:
He still goes to work and stuff …

Steve:
To the zoo, yeah.

Karl:
To the zoo.

Ricky:
He doesn’t work there!

Karl:
And then he comes back with the zookeeper at night. Anyway, what ended up happening is … he’s back at the house and it’s going well for about a week and a half, he’s sat there, you know he’s having a brandy at night before he goes to bed. The zookeeper noticed that when he took it back to work it was kind of getting flashbacks of not having a good time in the zoo, right. So, it was like, ‘this isn’t helping him out. He’s happy when he’s at home with the brandy and the fags and that, but when he comes back here, he’s starting to look a bit fed up.’ So he said to his wife, ‘Look, you’re at home all day right. I’m going to work. I’ll leave him with you.’ So Ollie stays at home. Anyway as time goes on there’s a little bit of trouble. Whilst the fella’s busy at work, grafting, paying the bills for Ollie at home, Ollie starts getting a little bit cheeky – tries it on with the missus.

Steve:
Whoa! How does a monkey ‘try it on with the missus’?

Karl:
This is classic Monkey News.

Steve:
How does he try it on?

Ricky:
He’s a bit drunk. He stinks of smoke. He tries it on with the missus. How does he try it on with her?

Karl:
I don’t know all the details.

Ricky:
You don’t know any of the details.

Karl:
I don’t know the detail on that bit but …

Ricky:
You don’t know any of the details.

Steve:
So what happens? While the zookeeper’s away the monkey did play. What happened? Did the zookeeper’s wife reciprocate these affections?

Karl:
She probably went along with it at first. You know, she’s cooking at home, getting the tea ready, it’s walking past pinching her arse or whatever. And you know, it starts off just like it does with humans. It starts off as a bit of fun, before you know it … Anyway, the zookeeper and his wife split up in the end. I think the monkey stayed with the woman.

Ricky:
Honestly, your imagination.

Karl:
Just put in ‘monkey/chimp/Ollie’ into the Internet and it’s all there …

Steve:
What do you mean, ‘she’s got a tan’?

Karl:
When they said she needs money because she’s cold I thought they meant for the heating – not to send her on holiday for a month. She’s sat there with a tan. I’m not joking.

Steve:
Are you sure it wasn’t just a problem in the printing process?

Karl:
No, no definitely.

Ricky:
Are you sure it wasn’t liver failure?

Steve:
This is a terrible thing to say, but when I see those people approaching now, with the clip-boards, I always get my mobile phone out and pretend I am having a conversation.

Karl:
Yeah, I’ve done that one.

Steve:
The number of fake conversations I’ve had walking past them now.

Karl:
I’ll tell you what, we’ve talked about homeless people before and that, and I walked past one the other day. Don’t you think that if you had a company, it’s worth taking them on? Because they never have a lie in.

Ricky:
Brilliant.

Karl:
When does it become, like, bad to avoid homeless people? Because some people say you shouldn’t, that they’re people like us who have just had a bit of bad luck.

Ricky:
Well of course they are.

Karl:
Yeah, I know but I remember one on our estate and she was a bit – what’s the word that you can use, because I don’t want to offend anyone? She was sort of mental homeless. Is that a term?

Ricky:
That is the official term.

Karl:
Well she lived on the estate and what have you …

Ricky:
How was she homeless if she lived on the estate?

Karl:
Well, she sort of decided to stay round there, because I think people on the estate spoke to her more than people who had money.

Ricky:
Really?

Karl:
So anyway. This mental homeless woman on the estate, what she used to do, right, she acted quite normal and she used to always push a pram around with her, right. And she was dead happy; every day she was walking up and down the road. Anyway one day she walked past me, right, and I turned round and looked in the pram – and there’s a bucket with a face on it!